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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To walk away from silent treatment

124 replies

Nutmeggy · 10/10/2020 11:51

I have a long standing friend who periodically will ignore messages, texts and calls for a period of weeks or months if she is annoyed. I don't always know what has annoyed her as she won't speak! Just comes back weeks or months later as if nothing has happened.

This has happened again, I think because I said we would have to agree to disagree on something. Ignored my WhatsApp and texts but read them.

This time I'm just thinking of walking away, I sent a message earlier saying we have been friends for a long time but true friends talk it out and I find the silent treatment very damaging and not the way to resolve issues.

Instant answer back for the first time in 2 months saying she doesn't want to talk about it right now, I don't know what the it is but I've had enough

Have suggested meeting.up for coffee or dinner etc last 2 months and been completely blanked

Now I'm fed up with it!

OP posts:
BadDucks · 10/10/2020 16:08

Interesting that now you are trying to walk away that she’s happy to text. I wouldn’t reply. She’s not sorry just desperately scrabbling to get the power back

Original poster
Nutmeggy · 10/10/2020 16:16

Yes a. Now she can reply 6 or so with my shortcomings yes couldn't 2 months ago, it's bloody stupid, if you a&e pissed off say at the time !

OP posts:
PatchworkElmer · 10/10/2020 16:16

Doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship OP (and what a bizarre reason to blank you for 2 months!)

VettiyaIruken · 10/10/2020 16:32

Mark her number as spam?

VettiyaIruken · 10/10/2020 16:35

She's reacting like this because you aren't playing.
You are supposed to keep desperately trying to contact her and when she finally replies you are supposed to be grateful.

She will turn very nasty now. My advice is mute notifications and don't read any of her messages. I'm betting there's nothing in them that won't upset you!

HostessTrolley · 10/10/2020 16:53

Not being able to meet due to work is not being passive aggressive - does she even know what that means? She’s acting like a year 9 (12-13 year old) girl 🙄

Kodiak83 · 10/10/2020 17:11

I had a friend like this, put up with it for years (since school). Eventually after I had my first child she created a big scene from nothing, apologised to one of my friends but wouldn’t to me even though she’d behaved worse to me. Weeks later after complete silent treatment I get a text as if nothing has happened inviting me out with a bunch of others. I just wished her well and said I was sorry she hadn’t felt able to apologise. And I just moved on! It’s been very freeing! I think she was a very insecure individual so Extremely sensitive and determined to take things personally. Better free of ‘friends’ like that however hard it can be to do so.

VettiyaIruken · 10/10/2020 17:24

@HostessTrolley

Not being able to meet due to work is not being passive aggressive - does she even know what that means? She’s acting like a year 9 (12-13 year old) girl 🙄
Absolutely. It's very "I know you are but what am I" isn't it? 😁
Roussette · 10/10/2020 17:43

Oh my goodness, apart from her age I would've thought this was a friend of mine who I've known all my life.
Basically you have to be a mind reader. You have to know how you've upset her, or she goes quiet.
Last time was because, when we decided to meet for coffee, I suggested somewhere where she'd been and had an argument with someone 5 years ago. I never knew it was this cafe, I wasn't there, I barely remember her telling me about it!

So she stopped replying to my texts. Because I should've known Hmm

it's bloody stupid, if you a&e pissed off say at the time !

Exactly! Why should you be a mind reader and try and guess what is wrong.
Me and my friend, our friendship is going/gone down the pan because I can't do this shit anymore. Life's too short

Stand firm OP! I look back and wish I'd stood firm, I've put up with this for far too long, it's a control thing and attention seeking I think

Mary46 · 10/10/2020 18:20

Op I let her go. You dont need that in friendship. Maybe a control thing. Not nice

InsertHilariousUserName · 10/10/2020 18:39

The fact that she admits that is the reason is enlightening! We are all Shock at the pathetic reason, yet she doesnt seem embarrassed at all to admit it.

Sounds like it is her usual MO with people who have dared to cross her (in her own silly mind)

Casschops · 10/10/2020 18:44

Can't stand a sulky person. Id just delete her number after telling her to grow the fuck up.

Mary46 · 10/10/2020 19:28

Have this with my mother. A sulk if not her own way. Very draining/exhausting..

TemptedToSleepInTheShed · 10/10/2020 20:30

I had a friend like this. Looking back now I put up with the behaviour for far too long because she had been a friend for a long long time and I didn’t want to let go.
She would give me the silent treatment for weeks on end. Often combined with changing email addresses And mobile numbers at the same time so any emails and texts I sent bounced back.
Then out of the blue she would message me from an unknown number, just saying - are you free now? Let’s meet at [pub] in 15 minutes
If I made it there in time, things would be like the whole silent treatment hadn’t happened and we would continue our friendship.
If I didn’t, there would be another round of silent treatment.....

boatyardblues · 10/10/2020 20:48

@Nutmeggy

Had another text saying

From your message nothing I say is going to be right so I am choosing to say nothing at the moment

I've given up no idea what's going on

Sounds like she’s spoiling for a fight. She’s either giving you the cold shoulder or she’s not, she can’t have it both ways. She sounds annoyed you’ve challenged her poor behaviour and that she’s no longer dictating all the terms of the friendship. Honestly, this is not a healthy friendship and you deserve better. Block and move on.
Original poster
Nutmeggy · 10/10/2020 20:49

It's exhausting and it definitely is not worth putting up with !

OP posts:
Original poster
Nutmeggy · 10/10/2020 20:51

@boatyardblues

Yes her last few messages were pretty aggressive , all bizarre and not what friendship is about

OP posts:
FreshFreesias · 10/10/2020 20:56

I’d block her.
Plenty of better friends out there.

boatyardblues · 10/10/2020 21:02

The provocative texts are designed to draw you back in and set the debate back on her terms. Don’t be tempted to reply. You tried to mend things like a grown up, she rebuffed you. You don’t owe her a response.

GlitteriestFluff · 10/10/2020 21:06

She has found that silent treatment doesn't work, and so now she is doing 'Bait and Switch', or DARVO (google both).

You have perfectly reasonably expressed that you expect open, honest, solutions-oriented communication. She has shown this is kryptonite to her.

She's a cunt. Fuck her off.

msflibble · 10/10/2020 21:13

YANBU op, from your subsequent posts she sounds like a nightmare! So passive aggressive and manipulative. Fuck her! Deleting/blocking is def the right move.

Original poster
Nutmeggy · 10/10/2020 21:14

@GlitteriestFluff

Will have a look thanks

It's odd that it's only now I've said I won't carry on with this friendship that she feels able to say why I have upset her a few months back

OP posts:
Mary46 · 10/10/2020 21:21

She sounds very hard work. I say she has very few friends.

BlueThistles · 10/10/2020 21:26

She's no friend.. She's controlling.. She's a bully.. She's manipulative.. and only deems you worthy of a response when she had adequately punished you. Fuck that shit ... Block with No Response... she does not deserve an explanation from you. 🌺

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