Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP should have helped me out?

100 replies

Whoiswrongg · 09/10/2020 18:07

DP currently WFH full time.

He’s done nothing for the kids during his working hours at all since this all started in March. Throughout lockdown I worked and did childcare and homeschool while he had complete peace in the office. Think he’s done 2 school runs in total in the last 12 months.

I felt unwell today and asked him to do the school run this afternoon (takes about 15 mins in total).

He refused. Said he was busy at work and couldn’t spare the time.

I did it but let him know when he finished that I was upset that he doesn’t ever help me out. His position then became clear that ‘you’re not working so it’s your only job’ I was at home all day with toddler and again he didn’t help at any point, I also did the usual clean/washing so wasn’t my ‘only job’.

I’m not usually a SAHM, I lost my (part time) job due to coronavirus.

YABU- You weren’t working, he was, so it makes sense that you did the school run.
YANBU - he should’ve helped out as a one off when you needed it.

OP posts:
notawittyname1954 · 09/10/2020 18:15

You are definitely not being unreasonable. it should be teamwork and he should help when you feel unwell in my opinion. So will he take over from you at the weekend if you are still feeling ill?

Elsewyre · 09/10/2020 18:19

Surely as the only one bringing money in it makes sense he works and not risk his job?

What were you unwell with?

Cold or explosive random dihorrea cause the latter ok stay home for the sake of the car seats

mbosnz · 09/10/2020 18:22

Work's important, but so is home and your family. 15 minutes in total, surely DH could have managed that, just to show you a bit of aroha, as much as anything.

33goingon64 · 09/10/2020 18:25

Yanbu. You are daily saving him from all the domestic and family tasks so he can concentrate on his job. Fair enough maybe, but if you're feeling unwell he should definitely step up (not 'help out', they are his DC too).

HellonHeels · 09/10/2020 18:26

He's selfish.

You need to get back into employment asap because as a partner rather than a spouse, you have no legal financial protection.

Original poster
Whoiswrongg · 09/10/2020 18:29

He probably does about 10 hours a week unpaid overtime anyway, he’s a complete workaholic.

I wasn’t unwell with an illness as such, I suffer from a bad back after an injury years ago and had a bad flare up so was very uncomfortable to drive and stand.

I think I’m feeling very hurt that he will never show a bit of teamwork towards the family and not sure if it’s unreasonable to feel this, especially because he’s now the only earner

OP posts:
Holiday21plea · 09/10/2020 18:29

@Elsewyre

Surely as the only one bringing money in it makes sense he works and not risk his job?

What were you unwell with?

Cold or explosive random dihorrea cause the latter ok stay home for the sake of the car seats

Bad advice. OP worked, did childcare as well as the school work...

Does it matter what OP felt unwell with? OP is not a single mother. Although it sounds that way.

Holiday21plea · 09/10/2020 18:29

Your husband is lazy OP.

Ohalrightthen · 09/10/2020 18:30

I think today's school run is a red herring tbh. I would not be able to ditch work all of a sudden and do the school run, lots of people wouldnt. If he was busy working, he was busy working. Fair cop. Especially if he's the only wage in the house.

HOWEVER the rest of the time it sounds like he could be helping, so absolutely should.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/10/2020 18:31

@mbosnz

Work's important, but so is home and your family. 15 minutes in total, surely DH could have managed that, just to show you a bit of aroha, as much as anything.
Exactly this.

It's hard in a practical sense but also emotionally, as he's making it clear you aren't a priority.

YANBU

TheWernethWife · 09/10/2020 18:33

What were you unwell with?

FFS, how does this matter - OP asked her DP to do the school run, taking 15 mins out of his "very busy day", he refused. I would now refuse to do anything more for him, lazy, self important twat.

MikeUniformMike · 09/10/2020 18:36

YABU

If they are his kids he should be pulling his weight not "helping you out".

ToastyCrumpet · 09/10/2020 18:36

@Elsewyre The OP asked for help ONCE. It doesn’t matter what was wrong with her.

MiddleClassProblem · 09/10/2020 18:37

What does he do one days off?

TheWernethWife · 09/10/2020 18:38

MiddleClassProblem Fuck all apparently.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/10/2020 18:41

I'm blisteringly angry that he felt that he had the right to refuse to do something for one of his own children. When do you ever have that right, OP? Shock

I'd let him cook for himself and do his own laundry... and that's for starters. No sex either. You're allowed to refuse that one at least. What a twat!

madcatladyforever · 09/10/2020 18:43

He wouldn't help you when you are unwell, what the hell is the point of him then. It sounds as though he is not on board with family life at all.
Sorry but I would not stand for this in any way, shape or form.
If one parent is ill the other steps in and there is no reason why he can't step in in the evening.
He is trying to mould you into what he wants forcibly and it isn't acceptable. I would not be with a man who behaves like this.

Elsewyre · 09/10/2020 18:45

@TheWernethWife

What were you unwell with?

FFS, how does this matter - OP asked her DP to do the school run, taking 15 mins out of his "very busy day", he refused. I would now refuse to do anything more for him, lazy, self important twat.

Because he was at work and she was in her own words just uncomfortable.

Can you just leave your job on a whim?

Elsewyre · 09/10/2020 18:46

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I'm blisteringly angry that he felt that he had the right to refuse to do something for one of his own children. When do you ever have that right, OP? Shock

I'd let him cook for himself and do his own laundry... and that's for starters. No sex either. You're allowed to refuse that one at least. What a twat!

Do you not think it's a bit grim to place sex as a reward/paid for part of your relationship?
mbosnz · 09/10/2020 18:46

I do think that for the weekend, I'd be saying, 'my back is rough, and I will be looking after myself this weekend, while you do not have work to hide behind to avoid contributing at home. You will be doing for you and your children, I will very kindly look after myself.'

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/10/2020 18:49

Elsewyre No I don't. It's not a 'paid for' thing either so i'm not sure what your point is.

Mine is that he's not acting like a partner so there's no need for me to either, my focus would be on my children and making sure that I have options to earn my own money in the future.

Frogshoe · 09/10/2020 18:50

YANBU OP! I have been in agony with a sore back for a week now. DH sorted my pain meds with the dr and has done everything that needs done including looking after the kids because that's what a loving father/husband should do! He has even got up during the night to help me to the bathroom. We have both been WFH from March and even though he earns more he hasn't left it all to me

TheWernethWife · 09/10/2020 18:52

Elsewyre - he was WFH not in an office or a factory, surely he could ask if he could stop for 15 mins and help out his wife who was unwell.

Are you the DP?

Oysterbabe · 09/10/2020 18:53

It depends on the job. I wouldn't be able to take time out for the school run in my working day.

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/10/2020 18:53

He’s a selfish tosser.

You deserve better.