To think DP should have helped me out?

[Whoiswrongg]

DP currently WFH full time.

He’s done nothing for the kids during his working hours at all since this all started in March. Throughout lockdown I worked and did childcare and homeschool while he had complete peace in the office. Think he’s done 2 school runs in total in the last 12 months.

I felt unwell today and asked him to do the school run this afternoon (takes about 15 mins in total).

He refused. Said he was busy at work and couldn’t spare the time.

I did it but let him know when he finished that I was upset that he doesn’t ever help me out. His position then became clear that ‘you’re not working so it’s your only job’ I was at home all day with toddler and again he didn’t help at any point, I also did the usual clean/washing so wasn’t my ‘only job’.

I’m not usually a SAHM, I lost my (part time) job due to coronavirus.

YABU- You weren’t working, he was, so it makes sense that you did the school run.
YANBU - he should’ve helped out as a one off when you needed it.

Absolutely not. If you’re not working and he is then it’s down to you. I wouldn’t be able to take any time out of my working day to “help out”. I barely have time to drink a coffee
So you don't take a lunch break or a small break in the morning or afternoon Bewildereddonut?
We are encouraged to. Our boss says that we don't work non stop every single second of the day when we are at wo so it is unrealistic to do so at home. Staff often ring in to say they are stopping work for 20 minutes why they take the kids to school. When my bos takes these call she she normall puts the phone down and says ' they don't have to ring in every single day, I know they are taking kids to school!!' 😂

I think your DH is missing out! DH liked the school run and the bizarre conversation he used to have with the kids! The mundane stuff is about relationship building in my opinion.

Often not. I’m running multiple businesses. Definitely no time for child rearing.

Often not. I’m running multiple businesses. Definitely no time for child rearing.

Don't have kids then. This dude did. So he also has commitments and an obligation to his children.

There have been times DH has had to leave the office to do the school run because I was unwell. That is life.

God @BewilderedDoughnut what an idiotic contribution 😡

You admit yourself, you have such a busy job you have no time for 'child rearing'.

But this man has children, let's assume by choice 🤨. So he actually does have a responsibility to rear them, and this includes managing his work appropriately so he can.

I'm sorry you are feeling low OP. I can completely see why. I hope tomorrow is easier & you can talk to DP further - and he listens this time.

YWBVU to go. The only thing that works in this situation is direct action, pained martyrdom just doesn’t register. I would have unplugged the Wi-fi router and taken it to bed with me. There is no employer who would begrudge an employee 15 mins off in this situation. OP I am sorry that your back is painful and I hope you feel better soon but really I think you should prioritise getting back into paid work, something tells me you’ll need the financial independence pretty soon once you decide to get rid of the selfish skiving twat.

I think it depends on the nature of the job. If he had a meeting scheduled at that time or has to be available eg call centre type work maybe not so unreasonable. If however he could just stop and work a bit later to finish it when he got back then very unreasonable.

It's in situations like these, when I think being 'high maintenance' could pay off. Those of us who just get on with it - are left to just get on with it with little / no support. Whereas those who have a penchant for 'drama' get more help, for the same amount of illness / injury / sheer hard work of looking after young children.

I've seen it happen - the drama queens demand assistance much earlier on and they get it, more often than not.

The question is - who's the mug? I think it's those of us to just get on with it.

That's my sociological thesis for the day - make of it what you will.....

I'm not a drama queen - but I'm not a martyr neither. If I've got to get on and suck it up buttercup, I do. If I know that DH could make it a little bit easier, and not to his detriment, then I'll ask for help, and expect it to be given.

And vice versa! We're a team.

@Oysterbabe

It depends on the job. I wouldn't be able to take time out for the school run in my working day.

Don't you get a lunch break?

Could it be moved to later for once?

Often not. I’m running multiple businesses. Definitely no time for child rearing😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Bless!

YANBU

He is disrespecting you. He is not valuing what you do. Mr importants big job cannot ever be interrupted by menial tasks! You should be a team, right now he's placed himself way above you, you're there to serve him.

If this is a pattern you know what you need to do. LTB!

Bill Gates did the school run.

Yes (Bill Gates) and Melinda Gates recounts in her book that a lot more dads started doing it 'because if Bill Gates does it...'

He sees you as maid, mother, slave? If I asked my dh to do something I normally did, he’d do it, even if insanely busy, because he’s totally selfless when it comes to me. This is my experience, not everyone has the same experience but in the OP’s situation, I’d be devastated that he’d refused. Is he saving lives wfh?? He should have a great deal more consideration for the OP.

@mbosnz

Work's important, but so is home and your family. 15 minutes in total, surely DH could have managed that, just to show you a bit of aroha, as much as anything.

what in heaven's name is 'aroha'?

@damnthatanxiety Aroha is the Māori word for 'love' 😊

Thanks violetbunny - sorry damnthatanxiety! Aroha is love, care, kindness.

He's NOT 'helping you out'. He would just be picking his kids up from school.

Jesus Christ stop allowing yourself to be treat like a skivvy.

I hope your back feels better soon, it's miserable! But honestly, you need to stop pandering to him & stand up for yourself. Not that you should need to with a decent DH, but clearly you do

Often not. I’m running multiple businesses. Definitely no time for child rearing.

Well don't have children then. If you have a child you need to make time for 'child rearing'.

Having a 'big' job does not excuse you from that.

What jobs are people doing from home that they absolutely can't take 15 minutes to do a school run??

I get that you can't if you are in a meeting, but if you're not and you're just sitting working then why can't you? Don't you take coffee breaks or anything?

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Elsewyre No I don't. It's not a 'paid for' thing either so i'm not sure what your point is.

Mine is that he's not acting like a partner so there's no need for me to either, my focus would be on my children and making sure that I have options to earn my own money in the future.

I'm in the same camp as you here, but unlike Elsewyre I don't see it as transactional. I would make it very clear to my partner that him not offering up fifteen minutes of his time to help me when I'm unwell is a MAJOR turn off. I wouldn't be able to be intimate with somebody when I know that's how they feel about me. It's not a punishment, it's a consequence.

I don't understand why some men have a family that they clearly have no interest in.

Yanbu op. I'd have left him a long time ago.

I’m not entirely clear on what @BewilderedDoughnut is adding to this conversation.

Well don't have children then. If you have a child you need to make time for 'child rearing'. Having a 'big' job does not excuse you from that

I’m most definitely not having any so no worries there. Unless they have four legs and a tail and happen to be furry!