To think DP should have helped me out?

[Whoiswrongg]

DP currently WFH full time.

He’s done nothing for the kids during his working hours at all since this all started in March. Throughout lockdown I worked and did childcare and homeschool while he had complete peace in the office. Think he’s done 2 school runs in total in the last 12 months.

I felt unwell today and asked him to do the school run this afternoon (takes about 15 mins in total).

He refused. Said he was busy at work and couldn’t spare the time.

I did it but let him know when he finished that I was upset that he doesn’t ever help me out. His position then became clear that ‘you’re not working so it’s your only job’ I was at home all day with toddler and again he didn’t help at any point, I also did the usual clean/washing so wasn’t my ‘only job’.

I’m not usually a SAHM, I lost my (part time) job due to coronavirus.

YABU- You weren’t working, he was, so it makes sense that you did the school run.
YANBU - he should’ve helped out as a one off when you needed it.

You could get a full-time job and do the extra hours overtime to keep a room over the families head and he become a SAHD and do that job. Thoughts OP?

If my dh was unwell during my working hours then he (or I if he was seriously incapacitated) would have to arrange an alternative way of getting our dc back from school. I cant just drop my work - I'm required to be on call for the specified hours even though wfh.

My DH was working from home after our last baby was born extremely prematurely. Two older DC's were at school. A few days after I was discharged after a traumatic section under general anaesthetic, he let me walk into town, a mile, and get the bus to the hospital. It would have been a 15 minute round trip for him to drop me off.
He unfortunately couldn't do it because it was past 9am and he was expected at his home office.

Looking back, I know his boss was a sweetheart who would have been furious that he used work as an excuse to avoid taking his wife to see his 29 week gestation baby in a special care unit . I'm also livid with myself that I let it happen, and didn't get the car keys and shove them into his hand, swearing.

There were other issues but honestly, something died for me that day. I left him a few years later.

Every job has been impacted by Covid one way or another. Are you saying that he hasn't had to do any additional childcare over Covid because you've absorbed it all? All of it, even though you were working too? Why did your job take it all of the disruption and his took none of it?

A single 15 min school run really isn't too much to expect.

It looks like in general you feel unsupported, in that YANBU. The specific request, it depends on his job and how much notice you gave him.

I WFH and wouldn't be able to pick the kids up at 3.15 on little notice. I do work very collaboratively and would expect to be with someone (up to a dozen someones) 75% of the time. I'd need to reschedule which would take ages, delay the work, and piss people off. DHs job is different, he probably could manage to get away 75% of the time.
Admittedly we walk our school run (takes twice as long as yours though) - and so does the rest of the neighborhood (car seat and Covid issues if you drive). I'd expect DH to ask someone else to grab my kid if I couldn't get away from work and he was in too much pain, but it seems that half the school walk past my house and we've reciprocated when we can.

If he couldn’t be relied onto “help out” when you are unwell what sort of relationship are you in? Not an equal one. Your less important than his work.

DH loves working from home because he can get to do the school run, preschool drop off and pick ups.
He blocks out that time in his diary so no other meeting are booked.
It’s the boring seems less important crap but it when you get told things by your kids.
He wants he be involved and be told the important day to day things that matter to our kids.

Only wash your clothes and the kids clothes and to be really passive aggressive just make your side of the bed.

Was he like this before the lockdown? What did you do during your working hours when you had the part time job? Was it a case of, he worked and you did homeschool/child care and then when his working hours were done, you worked your part time job and he took over childcare? Having trouble getting clear who had the children while you worked.

Also, was he working ten hours overtime before lockdown? If the overtime is new, it could be a case of redundancies being done in his company and he’s terrified of slacking in any way in case he is made redundant and then your family has zero income. Would benefits be enough given your current lifestyle? Or would you be forced to downsize/lose your home?

I can’t say if he should have helped you or not without knowing what the potential consequences were on his end for ducking out. So all I can advise is having an honest conversation with him about why he is prioritising work to such a degree right now. Based on his answers, you’ll know whether he’s terrified he’ll be sacked due to Covid too or if he’s got an inflated ego and doesn’t care about you and the children.

One school run! 15 minutes out of one day! Surely he could reschedule something. Move his lunch hour, take a bathroom break, post that he is on a conference call and not answer his phone? OP isn't asking for a regular pickup schedule. She was in pain, she needed help. He is not much of a husband and not much of a father.

Someone who won’t parent when I’m ill, much less help me, is not someone to grow old with and better to leave now before I’m old is what I’ve told my dh, who is on notice.
But he does his share of pick ups and drop offs and meal planning shopping cooking, it’s just this other bit is also essential to a relationship.
It’s 15 minutes. Unless actively performing surgery or directing air traffic control he can help out. Spoiler alert -He’s doing neither of those things. If paranoid he could just say I’m trying to get something out can we push this next meeting half an hour. Or he could say stepping outside guys, picking up the kids and back in 20. It is so unlikely he would be in trouble for this and the op has confirmed whcih makes it 100% asshole. Who needs to start doing more parenting ASAP. I know there’s not much out there op but hope you’re looking for work.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Was he like this before the lockdown? What did you do during your working hours when you had the part time job? Was it a case of, he worked and you did homeschool/child care and then when his working hours were done, you worked your part time job and he took over childcare? Having trouble getting clear who had the children while you worked.

Also, was he working ten hours overtime before lockdown? If the overtime is new, it could be a case of redundancies being done in his company and he’s terrified of slacking in any way in case he is made redundant and then your family has zero income. Would benefits be enough given your current lifestyle? Or would you be forced to downsize/lose your home?

I can’t say if he should have helped you or not without knowing what the potential consequences were on his end for ducking out. So all I can advise is having an honest conversation with him about why he is prioritising work to such a degree right now. Based on his answers, you’ll know whether he’s terrified he’ll be sacked due to Covid too or if he’s got an inflated ego and doesn’t care about you and the children.

Honestly, I would think that a person's partner would be very aware of these kinds of stresses, even if he didn't come forward and tell her. There would be clues in his behaviour and in conversation. I don't think that OP could be so oblivious to such serious consequences to the extent that she would ask for 15 minutes of his time where he literally couldn't spare it. If you can't spare 15 minutes, you are on full steam ahead round the clock and anybody living with you would see that. I believe that OP would have judged the situation and felt it appropriate to ask for what she did. On top of that, I don't even think she would have posted if his response was 'sorry sweetheart but if I don't get this work done then I could be out of a job'. So on the slight chance that he is in such a precarious position, he shouldn't be given a free pass when he could just tell his loved one why he couldn't help. Unless OP is omitting his panicked apology, I'm guessing that he give the impression that he literally couldn't be bothered to move his priorities.

@Elsewyre

Do you not think it's a bit grim to place sex as a reward/paid for part of your relationship?

I agree with you. It's like..good boy..you can have sex now. Like its not mutually enjoyable.

Lumping sex with the laundry and cooking, makes it come across like a chore.

It's one thing to say you don't feel like sex, because of he refused to pick the kids up...but making sex a reward isn't part of a healthy relationship.

I've been WFH since March and I can't just leave my work when I like.

I have meetings and deadlines, just the same..if not more than when I'm in the office actually.

WFH is still working, so what were you expecting him to do with your toddler during the day? He was working.

The homeschooling certainly showed how little many dads do...and many feel their jobs were more important than their DP/DW. Though I also think they wouldn't have been that good at homeschooling either.

School runs were my responsibility when the kids were in school..or my responsibility to get the childminder to do it.

DH did it on occasion, with advanced notice or in emergency situations.

@Girlyracer

You could get a full-time job and do the extra hours overtime to keep a room over the families head and he become a SAHD and do that job. Thoughts OP?

I doubt this is an option and based on the information given it wouldn't work.

First of all, I don't get the impression that the OPs job/career, even full-time could support the household.

Overtime is not guaranteed in every job.

I don't see how her DH would want to give up his well paying job, to be a SAHD and be financially worse off, which would impact the whole family.

I say this because my DH earns more than me. Not massively, as the OP described and when our DC were younger, me working full time in my job, would not have provided enough to pay everything in the house.

I often see your suggestion given on threads like this, when the OP doesn't have the same earning potential.

Personally I would be wondering how he would cope if you were seriously ill? Someone that is so lacking in concern and care for you may not respond with the kind of support that you would need at a time when you will most need it.

If you decide to stay with him it might be a good idea to ensure you have plan A,B and C should you become seriously unwell. He is not someone that has your back op.

I agree with @SandyY2K

When I was working from home I had more flexibility than dh who still works from home some days, dh will help if he can and because of knowing that I rarely ask him. Same as I will dh if I can but if he was a SAHD I would expect to help him less (same as when I was a SAHM)

In an actual emergency we will drop everything but if I can cope I do, I am an adult and everything I want to happen cannot not or I choose not to ask.

If I have a cold I cope, if I was in bed with flu he would have to help.

There is a degree I go with but if I can cope without dh I do

If he is working and you are not, i would not expect him to do the school run if you can manage it.

Obviously if it is really bad, i would expect him to take holiday to take the kids and look after the toddler for a few days.

We treat it as if my DH is at work out of the house, as he is so busy, i dont think of him as at home.

You could get a full-time job and do the extra hours overtime to keep a room over the families head and he become a SAHD and do that job. Thoughts OP?
Why go to the extreme.
Op only needed some support when she was in pain. Team work +oarenting = a healthy relationship.
BTW I've never had 3hours overtime in 30 years. My job doesn't give it so don't be snarky!

I’m most definitely not having any so no worries there. Unless they have four legs and a tail and happen to be furry!

Then why get involved in this conversation... other than to be controversial?

Honestly, I would think that a person's partner would be very aware of these kinds of stresses, even if he didn't come forward and tell her. There would be clues in his behaviour and in conversation. I don't think that OP could be so oblivious to such serious consequences to the extent that she would ask for 15 minutes of his time where he literally couldn't spare it.

I would think that such clues would include constant unpaid overtime and the fact he never slacked during his working hours during lockdown. That kind of dedication doesn’t indicate a flexible, secure job to me because if you can take a break during work hours, you would. Even for a ten minute cup of tea and chat with your partner while WFH. The fact he’s been flat out since March is a clue to an inflexible and insecure job where only the hardest workers (those always present/available and willing to do overtime unpaid) will be kept on and the rest let go.

So on the slight chance that he is in such a precarious position, he shouldn't be given a free pass when he could just tell his loved one why he couldn't help.

I agree with no free pass. Which is why I advised OP to have an honest conversation with him as to why work is clearly his #1 priority now. Obviously the time for that conversation was not in the middle of work hours when she asked him to drop everything and do the school run. That conversation should occur in the evening or weekend when he’s not on the clock.

@cdtaylornats

He was at work, if he had been at his place of work would you expect him to leave to do what you wanted.

Yes. He's working

@SueEllenMishke I’m most definitely not having any so no worries there. Unless they have four legs and a tail and happen to be furry

Then why get involved in this conversation... other than to be controversial?

So people without kids are only allowed to offer options on specified topics? I’m not a pilot but when I see a helicopter in a tree I know someone has fucked up.

So people without kids are only allowed to offer options on specified topics? I’m not a pilot but when I see a helicopter in a tree I know someone has fucked up.

Yet you're unable to understand that once you have children you're expected to parent ... and that might mean a little flexibility at times?! 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think most people without kids understand they need to be parented sometimes at short notice during a work day and there are times parents just have to go. This isn’t one of those times of course as he’s at home, does lots of overtime, no job insecurities and his work wouldn’t even notice him gone for 15-20 minutes. If in the office he’d do that for coffee breaks without a second thought.