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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP should have helped me out?

100 replies

Whoiswrongg · 09/10/2020 18:07

DP currently WFH full time.

He’s done nothing for the kids during his working hours at all since this all started in March. Throughout lockdown I worked and did childcare and homeschool while he had complete peace in the office. Think he’s done 2 school runs in total in the last 12 months.

I felt unwell today and asked him to do the school run this afternoon (takes about 15 mins in total).

He refused. Said he was busy at work and couldn’t spare the time.

I did it but let him know when he finished that I was upset that he doesn’t ever help me out. His position then became clear that ‘you’re not working so it’s your only job’ I was at home all day with toddler and again he didn’t help at any point, I also did the usual clean/washing so wasn’t my ‘only job’.

I’m not usually a SAHM, I lost my (part time) job due to coronavirus.

YABU- You weren’t working, he was, so it makes sense that you did the school run.
YANBU - he should’ve helped out as a one off when you needed it.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 09/10/2020 18:54

I don’t think it’s right to expect it during his work hours, but outside of that it sounds like you need a much fairer division of labour. He shouldn’t be “helping you out”, he should be doing his fair share.

SueEllenMishke · 09/10/2020 18:54

Surely as the only one bringing money in it makes sense he works and not risk his job?

Isn't it amazing that many, many parents manage to participate in and contribute to family life and not get sacked from their jobs 🤔

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/10/2020 18:54

He’d rather you were uncomfortable/in pain than inconvenience himself. Selfish arse.

Hope your back is feeling better soon.

SharpLily · 09/10/2020 18:57

@mbosnz

I do think that for the weekend, I'd be saying, 'my back is rough, and I will be looking after myself this weekend, while you do not have work to hide behind to avoid contributing at home. You will be doing for you and your children, I will very kindly look after myself.'
This, and I think his reaction is going to be very telling.

If he is anything less than enthusiastic about this suggestion then you are in fact a single mother with a roommate.

mbosnz · 09/10/2020 18:57

I do think a few too many play a little too much on the 'I'm working/ you're not', 'I could lose my job if I took 15 minutes away, yes, I do truly work for Scrooge McDuck' theme tunes.

Half of them are taking the piss with their work when it suits them, while simultaneously taking the piss with their family's with the above bullpucky.

I've had some unreasonable employers in my time, as has DH, but neither of us have ever had one quite that unreasonable.

Velvian · 09/10/2020 18:59

I manage to WFH full time and pick me DC up from school. I take that as my lunch break. It actually works better for my team for me to do this, as I can cover the phone over lunch.
Your DP is obviously more important than me though. Hmm

Get back to work ASAP, OP. This man is not on your team.

cdtaylornats · 09/10/2020 19:02

He was at work, if he had been at his place of work would you expect him to leave to do what you wanted.

Undies1990 · 09/10/2020 19:04

He's lazy and selfish to say no to doing the school run when you're not well. My DH would jump at the chance to have 15 mins away from his laptop! You need a firm word with your DH; you're not his domestic staff, you're a team who should share responsibility for taking care of your family. Good luck, otherwise LTB!

GetThatHelmetOn · 09/10/2020 19:04

Get back to work ASAP OP, if he doesn’t have your back for simple things, he won’t have it for more complex ones. You are in a very vulnerable position unmarried to a man whose centre of the universe is... himself.

Friendsoftheearth · 09/10/2020 19:05

Take the weekend off, go to bed and stay there. Rest your back all weekend and watch films. Be firm - suggestion to say to dh:

'if I don't rest my back properly this weekend, I may not be able to look after the dc at all next week, and you will need to take time off'

Leave that with him to digest, and then let him get on with it. Tell him the park is that way >>>> food in fridge and shut the bedroom door.

Your needs and health are just as important as everyone else's op.

mbosnz · 09/10/2020 19:06

DH has always been firm with his employers that if there is a family emergency, such as the Chief Home Appliance being temporarily on the blink, that he will prioritise doing what needs to be done to fill the gaps and get the CHA back running smoothly.

This has not been career limiting. It has also ensured full commitment from the home front to providing the same level of support to him and the company.

Original poster
Whoiswrongg · 09/10/2020 19:08

Thanks everyone for your opinions, I’m feeling quite down today in general. I think feeling useless as couldn’t play with the youngest so felt failure at this whole SAHM thing plus stress over losing my job so I didn’t know I was over reacting by being really hurt by his lack of seeing us as any sort of priority.

FWIW his job would not be at risk, he isn’t ‘checked up on’ and his boss know he works huge amounts of overtime without extra pay.

I will be having a conversation tomorrow when I feel in a better frame of mind.

OP posts:
Witchend · 09/10/2020 19:09

It depends on the situation. Dh is currently wfh.

I know that 95% of the time I could say to him "I'm not feeling brilliant, can you pick the kids up" and he would do it.
The remaining 5% of the time he really cannot reschedule and couldn't except in an emergency.

But it works both ways. In 20 years I've asked him to do that twice. Once with a migraine and once when I put my back out. So he knows if I asked then I really do need it.

Equally well, I know if he says he can't then he really can't.

At the same time, when he's on holiday he'd do most of the pickups especially when the children were small and they were harder.

Aridane · 09/10/2020 19:09

Throughout lockdown I worked and did childcare and homeschool while he had complete peace in the office

Sounds like a somewhat idealised view of the office

ReadtheData · 09/10/2020 19:10

OP he's a lazy git. Does he take a lunch break?

In a normal office environment an employee is not glued to their desk for 8 hours solid. Yes he's working, but he could use just a few minutes every day to help you out.

Instead he'd rather see you in pain than give you 15 minutes of his time. I bet he's the type to spend longer than that on the bog!

Original poster
Whoiswrongg · 09/10/2020 19:12

@Aridane

Throughout lockdown I worked and did childcare and homeschool while he had complete peace in the office

Sounds like a somewhat idealised view of the office

Sorry this wasn’t clear, I meant the home office. (E.g upstairs)
OP posts:
Friendsoftheearth · 09/10/2020 19:12

I would also say if you continue to solider on and struggle, and keep going - he, for sure, will let you. He is not going to put himself out unless he absolutely has to. Personally I think you need to be much firmer.

Once your back has eased, sit down and work out how he can help you more and agree to a change. He should be doing more to help if he is at home, he is saving time not having to do a commute, this should not be squandered - he needs to step up and contribute.

You need to be more assertive, the conversation should have been:
' There is no way I can do the school run today with my back, the dc need collecting at 3.30pm. Please remember a snack'

He protests:

'Then please organise with school when you CAN get there, as I am going to bed now' and go and rest your back.

The dc are not your dc, they are his too, he has equal responsibility for them. I too think you need to get a new job when you feel better.

likeafishneedsabike · 09/10/2020 19:12

You need paid employment of pretty much any kind (depending on your back, of course). He can’t be hiding behind this business of being the solitary earner any more. Parenthood is basically juggling responsibilities to an employer and responsibilities to family. We all do it and he can too.

notacooldad · 09/10/2020 19:38

I will never understand dads who don't want to get involved with the kids and putting work before them.
DH would regularly schedule his day when he could to take them to school if I couldn't , take them to the dentistry, speech thearpy , sports days, parents. Evening. He wasn't doing it "for me" or helping me out. He did it ( and still supports now they are older) because he is a parent and they have needs.
Your DH, OP needs to wake up and realise work is important but it's not everything. If he is not careful he will end up like the dad in the Cats in the Craddle song. So will the kids.

roarfeckingroarr · 09/10/2020 19:42

I think today is a red herring. He should work as a team all the time and he isn't. Today maybe he did have too much on to help, but I doubt you would have been so hurt by it if his general attitude was different,

mbosnz · 09/10/2020 19:46

Actually, the more I think about it, you guys need to have a conversation, about the fact that he is relying on your support, and you're giving it, but it goes both ways, you need to be able to rely on his support, and for him to give it.

For example, some days DH is working from 7am to 10pm on calls, with very limited time off the phone and laptop. I'll support those days, so long as the days it's not so full on, there is flexibility and erring on the side of family. . .

absolutelyknackeredcow · 09/10/2020 19:47

Oh this makes me really angry - I have a big job - the ones that men describe as 'high level and demanding'. My DH is furloughed.
I do the school run most mornings because I want to - DH does pick up.

I also have a long term condition such as back and quite often (when DH was working in a high level job) he works have to do the run on my days because I was in pain. He did so without complaint

BewilderedDoughnut · 09/10/2020 19:52

Absolutely not. If you’re not working and he is then it’s down to you. I wouldn’t be able to take any time out of my working day to “help out”. I barely have time to drink a coffee.

TwentyViginti · 09/10/2020 19:53

A lot of men do 'overtime' which is their way of getting out of parenting and housework.

As your partners is unpaid, he'd be better using those hours to actually parent.

BewilderedDoughnut · 09/10/2020 19:57

A lot of men do 'overtime' which is their way of getting out of parenting and housework

This is what I’d do if I was a parent. And lots of ‘business trips’ to nice hotels where I could watch TV and nap in peace! 🤩