To end my friendship over this?

[Yesididnamechange]

I live abroad and around 2 years ago I met one of my best friends who is also an expat.

She is very smart, just graduated from a prestigious university and currently looking for her first position. I work as governess with French children (doing academics and also teaching English). I make good money and have worked hard to learn French in 3 years to be able to do this kind of job.

I feel like my friend looks down on me because I don’t have a degree. Her long term relationship ended in March, in July she mentioned that she felt ready to date again. I know a very handsome and kind man that I mentioned she might get along well with. Her réponse was ‘He works in the vegetable store, I have a masters degree, I couldn’t date him!’ I was a bit taken aback but moved on. Until a few weeks later she was talking about her cousin who is a vet. She said she’s trying for a baby at the moment and randomly added ‘Her relationship surprised me, when she met her husband she was a vet, and he was working in a supermarket, I would have thought she’d marry someone more on her level’. She continues to make comments like this around me.

I dread to think what she says about me and DH to other people. DH is a very intelligent ‘white collar’ worker with a great salary. When I told her about my new position and how I’m happy with my new salary (70k net a year), her response was, ‘you should be happy, that’s probably the highest you’ll ever get, so celebrate it!’

It makes me feel stupid and worthless. I couldn’t go to university, my parents paid for me to go to a very good ‘specialist’ school when I was 14-18 and it put them into a fair amount of debt that they have only just paid off, university was out of the question for me.

Aibu to end my friendship or take a step back from my friend ? I’m willing to hear that I’m being over dramatic.

Is a governess like an aupair? (Spelling?)

You get 70k for it? I might have to retrain

You migr want to ove the post about your mums job though, as that's got to be pretty unique

@Elsewyre not at all. Au pairs are young women who are given pocket money and a room in family’s home. They can’t work with under 2 year olds and have no training / child development knowledge.

A governess focus’ on children’s educations. It’s like a permanent, in home tutor for all subjects.

I started as an au pair, then worked my way up to nanny, then ESL nanny, now I’m an ESL governess. It took a lot of hard work to get here. I have to work away from home 5 months a year and work 50 hour weeks.

I'm sorry, Yesididnamechange but I really don't believe that women should feel grateful for suggestions of any man that might be interested in them. My real friends wouldn't dream of suggesting someone to me that I didn't have anything in common with. I must be a snob as well as I can't say I'd be interested in dating a man who works in a vegetable store either! And I say, after 2 weeks of dealing with the basic spelling mistakes and lack of intellectual curiosity of a bunch of men on Tinder (that was all I lasted on there) that a university education is something that I really do prioritise in a date. Its a really common requirement, not due to snobbery but because it tends to sift out a lot of really quite annoying men. Of course it doesn't mean that someone can't find their dream partner outwith their parameters, but in my experience, its a really common requirement and nothing especially unusual.

See, I could sympathize if she said she couldn't be with someone who doesn't enjoy books, cultural things. There's a person in our family who has absolutely no interest in music, art, books, anything. He watches sport on TV. He would not be a good partner for me. My DH happens to have a degree, but what's important to me is shared interests, long conversations. His degree is a piece of paper.

Could you friend be jealous that you have a well-paid, intellectually demanding job and no degree? She thinks she deserves what you have?

@IncandescentSilver I'm with her in that I like my partners to come from having had similar experiences to myself, and university means being independent enough from an early age to self discipline sufficiently to motivate yourself, pay bills, get on with a large number of people from different areas, and so on. I just cannot cope with men who haven't been educated to a similar level as myself
See I'd understand that at 25 University is a big marker of where are they heading in life (generalisation but ykwim), if they've lived independently or not, but at your age surely there's so many other more important markers, a career or not, an ex wife or two, kids. He might have gone to Uni then never done anything with it or not gone, worked up the career ladder, reads widely, follows politics and be far more intellectual and worldly. But for you his lack of below less on something that doesn't happen nearly 3 decades ago for most people

I think she has a point to a level. It's all very well marrying someone at on a vastly different level intellectually but as you get older it gets harder - it's not ideal. She's not planning on marrying you so I doubt it matters to her that you don't have a degree. And not having a degree is fine but I know lots of people who have had no parental support who have worked their arses off to get one so I don't agree with your point about blaming your upbringing on why you couldn't go to Uni. That said know plenty of very clever people who didn't go to Uni so it's not the be all and end all but I think she just wants a partner with a bit of a brain and some prospects which is fair enough and working in a veg shop probably doesn't indicate either

Yeah I'd get rid. Any friend who makes digs ain't a friend really, she has chosen to behave that way she can't expect people to stick about

Good to see a university education has broadened her mind.
I couldn't be close friends with someone so snobby and narrow minded. I've worked with lots of these types, one openly admitted he didn't speak to anyone without a degree. It's a bit sad really.

She's right, you should only spend time with people at your level.

So ditch her, you're way too good for her, OP

@gottakeeponmovin haha I’m not blaming my upbringing at all. I wanted to work. That coupled with the fact that university wasn’t financially possible meant that I just didn’t want to study and preferred going into a job. I just don’t believe I should be put on a different shelf because of that.

I understand wanting to be on the same intellectual level as a partner, and i understand wanting to be on the same financial level as a partner, but educational level has nothing to do with either/anything
Even with intellectual and financial, that's an individual preference and not really worthy of discussing. Certainly not about someone else's relationship.

She’s not really your friend, OP. She’s made it clear she doesn’t respect you and thinks she is better than you. My guess is she likes hanging around with you for the ego boost, she just enjoys feeling superior.

Ever read the Bridget Jones book? There’s a character called Rebecca who is just like this - they describe her as a hellyfish friend, you’re swimming along happily and then bam she stings l you and pretends its normal.

Ditch her, the world is full of lovely people you don’t need this one.