To end my friendship over this?

[Yesididnamechange]

I live abroad and around 2 years ago I met one of my best friends who is also an expat.

She is very smart, just graduated from a prestigious university and currently looking for her first position. I work as governess with French children (doing academics and also teaching English). I make good money and have worked hard to learn French in 3 years to be able to do this kind of job.

I feel like my friend looks down on me because I don’t have a degree. Her long term relationship ended in March, in July she mentioned that she felt ready to date again. I know a very handsome and kind man that I mentioned she might get along well with. Her réponse was ‘He works in the vegetable store, I have a masters degree, I couldn’t date him!’ I was a bit taken aback but moved on. Until a few weeks later she was talking about her cousin who is a vet. She said she’s trying for a baby at the moment and randomly added ‘Her relationship surprised me, when she met her husband she was a vet, and he was working in a supermarket, I would have thought she’d marry someone more on her level’. She continues to make comments like this around me.

I dread to think what she says about me and DH to other people. DH is a very intelligent ‘white collar’ worker with a great salary. When I told her about my new position and how I’m happy with my new salary (70k net a year), her response was, ‘you should be happy, that’s probably the highest you’ll ever get, so celebrate it!’

It makes me feel stupid and worthless. I couldn’t go to university, my parents paid for me to go to a very good ‘specialist’ school when I was 14-18 and it put them into a fair amount of debt that they have only just paid off, university was out of the question for me.

Aibu to end my friendship or take a step back from my friend ? I’m willing to hear that I’m being over dramatic.

Which prestigious university? If it's not Oxbridge start making comments about lesser universities and the wasted value of a degree and all these poor children with massive debt for their wasted degrees in (insert her subject here unless, medicine, law, engineering or accounting).

She sounds horrific. Get rid and buy yourself something nice with your awesome salary 🙌

@Luckingfovely

She sounds ghastly - it takes some balls to be that upfront with your judgements.

Personally, I'd call her her out on it very strongly - noting how shallow and limited her value system is - and if she wasn't extremely abashed and ashamed, I'd tell her that you can't be friends with someone as emotionally stunted and judgemental as her, and end the friendship. And walk away with head held high.

This

I get what she means about dating though. I'm sapiosexual. I can find a man physically attractive but if he's not "on my level", I don't feel attracted "to" him. I don't mean with regards to career or income, but intellect. Someone with a lower-paying, less prestigious job can of course be intelligent, but at the same time, if you are attracted to ambition and intellect, you will mostly find that the men you are drawn to have successful, high-paying careers.

It's different for men, I think. My husband is the same as me; intelligence is the turn on for him. I'm intelligent, with a degree in a medical background. I'm probably more intelligent than him, but I took a low-paying job and then became a SaHM, whereas he has progressed to be atop 1% earner before the age of 35. My lack of career can be rationalised by him as "sacrificed for the family", whereas that typically doesn't happen with men, so if you're sapiosexual, the career is probably a bigger indicator of intelligence for men than it is for women.

With regards to friends, though, there should be no difference. I have friends who are highly educated and intelligent and friends without qualifications and on low incomes. For me, I notice only that our political beliefs tend to differ somewhat as a result. It's not something I bring up or worry about and it doesn't affect our friendships.

If your friend is only picky about who she dates, she may simple be sapiosexual in this context. If she is making judgements about friends as well, and not in terms of who they date (as she will view all sexual relationships through a sapiosexual's eyes) then she is probably just arrogant and unpleasant.

@blubberball

If you're coming away from spending time with your friend feeling worse, and not better, then distance yourself. Protect your mental wellbeing.

I agree @blubberball. Time with friends shouldn’t leave you feeling negative. She can think what she wants but in choosing to make comments like that she’s either tone deaf or happy to try and unseat you (I suspect the latter). If I was you I’d be putting a bit of space there and concentrating on developing friendships with more intellectually secure and better mannered people.

@JustMarriedBecca it is one of the ‘grande ecoles’. Only difference is, my husband has two degrees, both from two different ‘grande ecoles’ and he is so respectful and even admiring of me and the work I do! I guess I should focus on that more than her comments.

I should also add that our friendship group consists of bankers, lawyers, diplomats etc, all of whom are very good friends and respect the worn I do. My own mother-in-law is the CFO of one of the biggest French banks, she too is is very respectful to me and the work I do. It’s a shame my friends can’t take their example!

It’s a shame my friend* not friends

Defnitely insecurity driving this. The comment about your salary is poorly masked envy. She's worried about her future prospects and trying to distance herself from people who work in supermarkets etc because that is where she is frightened of ending up and she has acquired notions of that being tantamount to failure. (I do think it's fine for her not to want to date someone she doesn't think will be compatible with her, but there are ways of saying that).

Perhaps a very honest chat, where you tell her that her comments make you feel very uncomfortable and her sound ignorant and insecure. Then see how she responds.

Thanks everyone for your comments. It’s helped me feel better. I think I was just feeling a it low today and the comments stung a bit more. But reading to responses has helped me remember that I also have a lot of people in my life who don’t make me feel that way, and that’s what I should focus on!

'Sapiosexual'? Aka 'attracted to intelligence'.

Ummm .... since you earn gross much more that the vast majority of people and still appear very young then sounds like jealousy.

I’m happy with my new salary (70k net a year), her response was, ‘you should be happy, that’s probably the highest you’ll ever get, so celebrate it!’

@RationalOne I should probably mention that we live in Paris, living costs her are absolutely extortionate, so €70k net doesn’t actually go that far!

Well she's clearly not developed an emotional quotient and you both sound so immature.

@Yesididnamechange

Ah, I see.

I wouldn't worry too much what she thinks anyway. If you and DP are happy, healthy and doing what you what to do then all great.

Good luck

Knowledge (that you can cram for exams) is not the same as intelligence....

Your friend is the idiot. You cannot judge a book by its cover and not everyone is sexually attracted to highly intelligent people. Sapiosexual - who knew it had a name.

My dh has a masters / DESS from the Sorbonne. His father imo has HFA and is a massive underachiever. He was a blue collar worker before he retired working a very basic job. The things he occasionally come out with show a big spark of intelligence.

She’s a judgmental twat. Just roll your eyes when she nexts make a comment and say something like oh that’s nice.

What do you actually like about her? Because she sounds hideous! Puffed up with self importance, and yes on some level she probably is judging you and not in a good way. You will never be good enough for her, even if you had a PHD she would criticise that in some way, maybe the content was not challenging enough - or you were 'lucky' to pass given your limited intelligence, or the degrees are now being 'given away' .

Her behaviour is rooted in deep insecurity.

And whilst you sound content and happy with your life, she sounds utterly miserable with her life (in spite of her far superior education!) she grow old, lonely and bitter whilst she seeks out people that are fitting of her superior intellect.

I would distance yourself, and stop seeing her. Once or twice a year if you have time. Covid is a convenient excuse to use Be happy op, life is too short for people that make you feel like shit.

I am well educated - better than she is.
My best never went to Uni.

As far as I am concerned there is no difference between her and me intelligence wise.

How can you consider someone that appears to look down on you a good friend? - Or even a friend?

It amazes me people still do this. I thought people would let go of that and let people work where they are the happiest.

Hang on, so this woman hasn't even got a job yet, but she's telling you to appreciate yours as it's the best you'll ever get?

Sapiosexual

So much cringe in one forum post...

She sounds like an arsehole. As the saying goes, with friends like that, who needs enemies. I would just move away from that friendship

It's a shame a degree didn't teach that academic qualifications aren't everything. No, I'm not bitter I have a first degree and two masters - I don't think my best friend has any qualifications but I don't ever think about it. Qualifications can be useful for work, or if you are massively interested in something, but that's about it. She doesn't sound nice, I'd just distance myself from her. She sounds pretty stuck up tbh!

Some people peak at university. It sounds like she puts an awful lot of her self worth on the fact she has a degree.
I probably wouldn't end the friendship but I'd say something.