To end my friendship over this?

[Yesididnamechange]

I live abroad and around 2 years ago I met one of my best friends who is also an expat.

She is very smart, just graduated from a prestigious university and currently looking for her first position. I work as governess with French children (doing academics and also teaching English). I make good money and have worked hard to learn French in 3 years to be able to do this kind of job.

I feel like my friend looks down on me because I don’t have a degree. Her long term relationship ended in March, in July she mentioned that she felt ready to date again. I know a very handsome and kind man that I mentioned she might get along well with. Her réponse was ‘He works in the vegetable store, I have a masters degree, I couldn’t date him!’ I was a bit taken aback but moved on. Until a few weeks later she was talking about her cousin who is a vet. She said she’s trying for a baby at the moment and randomly added ‘Her relationship surprised me, when she met her husband she was a vet, and he was working in a supermarket, I would have thought she’d marry someone more on her level’. She continues to make comments like this around me.

I dread to think what she says about me and DH to other people. DH is a very intelligent ‘white collar’ worker with a great salary. When I told her about my new position and how I’m happy with my new salary (70k net a year), her response was, ‘you should be happy, that’s probably the highest you’ll ever get, so celebrate it!’

It makes me feel stupid and worthless. I couldn’t go to university, my parents paid for me to go to a very good ‘specialist’ school when I was 14-18 and it put them into a fair amount of debt that they have only just paid off, university was out of the question for me.

Aibu to end my friendship or take a step back from my friend ? I’m willing to hear that I’m being over dramatic.

Despite her so called education, she doesn't sound intelligent at all. I and loads of my friends have MA's etc, and we don't talk about education or people like that. Most people, 'educated' or not, understand that there is a lot of luck and circumstances around access to education. She sounds awful and a bit thick!

she may well have a degree but she lacks class
I'd be laughing hysterically every time she said it

I would just disregard all these type of comments, as most people would, and just hang fire, and see how her life pans out in a few years, with all her high ideas and standards.

She does sound rather tactless and lacking in social skills, especially in her comments about your salary, but regarding wanting someone who has a similar educational background as her, I don't know if that is so awful. People should decide what they want in a partner themselves and if it is important to her, then that is her business. I suspect it isn't that uncommon for someone to wish that. While some people I know are married to people with completely different educational backgrounds, most people I know are with people of a similar background.

Bin.

Education isn’t everything; much more important is how you treat people. And she’s treating you poorly. All the degrees in the world can’t buy good manners and kindness.

Apologies , but what does this lady add to your life.
It seems is just stress and jibes.
I recall a quote that read (along the lines of ) you forgive people as you are not ready for them to be out of your life.
So she must, I assume bring something.

I would say, if she is like this with you, can you imagine what she is like to ppl , in what she deems lowly positions that aren't her friends!!

One thing I would do your friend who works in the vegetable store a favour and not introduce him to this lade. No one needs this toxicity

I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt at the beginning of your post, as what you want from a relationship may be different to what you want from other friendships etc...as in I might be attracted to men with dark hair, but that doesn't mean I judge men with other hair colours. Also statistically speaking (not on an individual level) when both partners have a similar level of education it tends to lead to more successful relationships. If that were her reasons then maybe I could forgive her.

But her comments about your earning power and wanting to surround herself with people on a similar intellectual level, as well as mentioning that she worked really hard at uni, show she is a massive bitch and also an idiot. I got a good degree from a good uni. It was a great experience but not 'hard work'. She is a bit thick if she thinks she works or works harder than other less qualified people and a bit thick if she doesnt realise that having a degree in a lot of cases (including mine) just means you're good at passing exams, rather than massively intelligent. Also, clearly, it doesnt make you a better person. How can you not take it so personally when she is saying it about you and to you? I would end the friendship and never look back

She sounds like a massive cunt.

one of the cleverst people i ever worked with had no degree, she got an entry level job and worked her way up. i went to a very well known university where i was surrounded by people who had been to the 'right' schools and had knowledge drummed into them from an early age, but had little emotional or practical intelligence, and in many cases weren't academically that bright either. your so-called 'friend' (she doesn't behave like one) is very small-minded and insensitive if you ask me.

Someone who looks down on you and makes you feel shit isn't someone who should be your friend. You've outgrown her vile attitude. Time to move on from her and focus on the people who enrich your life. Find radiators, not drains!

OP she is definitely not 'very smart' at all. She is an unintelligent superior snob who knows nothing about the world, people, kindness, humanity and who is judgmental and sees the world in terms of money...looking down on those who have less.

I cannot abide snobbery and could not spend 5 minutes with someone like this. You on the other hand, along with your DH, sound hard working and have humility to know not everyone gets the breaks and goes on to crow about it. She sounds dire and immature.

Some of the nicest people I have come across do not have degrees or high wages but they have riches in terms of caring natures, bravery, understanding and generosity of spirit. Bin her.

I have a far better education than her. She's a dickhead. (That's a fancy word they taught me at my fancy schools.)

I hate this idea that there’s only one kind of intelligence and it somehow makes people better than others. It’s absolute bullshit.
If you’ve spoken to her about how it makes you feel and she’s been dismissive, then you’ve only got two choices; put up with it or end the friendship. Personally I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like that.

I have a masters degree, my DH left school at 18. We work in the same profession and currently he earns more than me. So fucking what? I married him because he was smart and funny and sexy and we wanted the same things out of life. I never once asked to see his exam results. Oh God, maybe he doesn't have a B in Home Economics after all?!! This woman isn't your friend, OP, she's a bitch who will dump you as soon as the 'right' sort of person comes along. I pick my friends the way I picked my DH. Are they kind? Do we have a laugh? Most importantly, are they nice people? Your friend doesn't tick any of those boxes.

I voted YABU for the simple reason that if other parts of your friendship are good then imho you should talk to her about it, not just drop her without an explanation. She sounds very snobby and I can see why you'd want to end the friendship for that reason, but I hate it when people end friendships without telling the other person why or giving them the opportunity to put things right. But also, I think she needs to be called out on how she's acting.

She's not the one talking about how much money she earns though, is she? Perhaps she talks about her education as a response to you mentioning your high salary and great job. And as for your parents payi g for 4 years of a "specialist school" (honestly no idea what you mean by that - did you need special assistance? Was it a finishing school?), why are you even mentioning that? It's not something you did from your own merit. Whereas university is.

She's also talking about a potential relationship, not friends. I'm with her in that I like my partners to come from having had similar experiences to myself, and university means being independent enough from an early age to self discipline sufficiently to motivate yourself, pay bills, get on with a large number of people from different areas, and so on. I just cannot cope with men who haven't been educated to a similar level as myself, cand I'd find having a man pushed on me because he was "kind" really insulting actually. Loads of men are "kind", but it's not setting the bar very high to assume you're going to fancy them because if that.

I've got friends like you, who would lije to pigeonhole me into the "desperately lookng for a kind man" category, because it makes them feel superior. Both of them are also immigrants and they just don't get why anyone would want more in a man than financial stability. One of them suggested I date a friend of hers - I'm 50, very sporty and fit, a member of several sports clubs and split up from my partner 3 months ago. and have a academic job. The suggested date was 67, retired, unattractive and non university educated. I found it insulting and depressing that she thought I'd be remotely interested.

Another friend suggested a man 20 years older than me. Similar scenario, except she somehow manoeuvred lifts around so that I shared a car with him. Where he memorably referred to a group of teenage girls we passed as "tits on sticks".

I've quietly distanced myself from these friends. They just don't get it. I also cannot stand people who mention how much money they earn or how expensive the school they went to was. Otoh what people do on their own merit, without mentioning money, is often far more interesting.

I think she's actually jealous of you and makes herself feel better by putting you down.

Why is she friends with you then if she has a fancy degree and you don’t? Drop her, and tell her it’s because she’s just not on your level

Honestly tho what a cow. I know how expat life can be so don’t feel like you have to stay friends with her for that reason

@IncandescentSilver

She explicitly asked how much I earn, and in French culture, it’s a normal conversation. I didn’t offer the information up, so that assumption is wrong.

As far as my the ‘specialIST’ school. I did get there by my own merit, I worked very hard to get there as it specializes is a certain subject, and I worked hard to get a scholarship to that school, but still my parents had to stretch their pockets to help me go, and I didn’t try to force my friend on her, she mentioned feeling greasy to date, would I know anyone she might line, so unfortunately, all your assumptions are wrong.

@workhomesleeprepeat

You’re totally right, expat life is a bit isolating because people come and go, so choosing to move away from a friend who seems like they are also permanently staying in the country feels hard, stability is nice.

Ultimately, the next time the subject comes up, I will be honest and tell her how I feel, really feel, without sugar coating it. If it turns into a problem I will reevaluate.

She’s completely lacking in class or emotional intelligence.

Do you regret not going to uni though? If you wanted to, could you afford to do a part time course now?

@IncandescentSilver feeling ready to date haha, not greasy. My typing is terrible today, I have a thumping migraine.

@ToastyCrumpet

Honestly I don’t regret it. I’m still working towards the career I want, I just don’t need a degree to get there. I still haven’t decided exactly which path I want to go down, which is why I’m taking my time. I had university offers, it just wasn’t an option for me, and I’m ok with that, I made do.

do not keep company with ghastly people.
some we come across through work or necessity, eg GPs.
but this is a social connection. so voluntary. so you can drop it.
you do not need anything from her.
she is not a friend, just someone you are acquainted with for a number of years. women esp often mistake that for friendship.
if you had a weed in your carrot patch, you would pull it out.
even if it took you a while to realise what it was. you wouldn't say, oh well it must be a carrot because it's in the carrot patch.

She is not your friend and she sound absolutely horrid! Everything @Ohtherewearethen said!