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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end my friendship over this?

113 replies

Yesididnamechange · 09/10/2020 11:58

I live abroad and around 2 years ago I met one of my best friends who is also an expat.

She is very smart, just graduated from a prestigious university and currently looking for her first position. I work as governess with French children (doing academics and also teaching English). I make good money and have worked hard to learn French in 3 years to be able to do this kind of job.

I feel like my friend looks down on me because I don’t have a degree. Her long term relationship ended in March, in July she mentioned that she felt ready to date again. I know a very handsome and kind man that I mentioned she might get along well with. Her réponse was ‘He works in the vegetable store, I have a masters degree, I couldn’t date him!’ I was a bit taken aback but moved on. Until a few weeks later she was talking about her cousin who is a vet. She said she’s trying for a baby at the moment and randomly added ‘Her relationship surprised me, when she met her husband she was a vet, and he was working in a supermarket, I would have thought she’d marry someone more on her level’. She continues to make comments like this around me.

I dread to think what she says about me and DH to other people. DH is a very intelligent ‘white collar’ worker with a great salary. When I told her about my new position and how I’m happy with my new salary (70k net a year), her response was, ‘you should be happy, that’s probably the highest you’ll ever get, so celebrate it!’

It makes me feel stupid and worthless. I couldn’t go to university, my parents paid for me to go to a very good ‘specialist’ school when I was 14-18 and it put them into a fair amount of debt that they have only just paid off, university was out of the question for me.

Aibu to end my friendship or take a step back from my friend ? I’m willing to hear that I’m being over dramatic.

OP posts:
ifIwerenotanandroid · 09/10/2020 13:34

@Notapheasantplucker

We'll, she sounds like a bitch..Confused
That's what I thought. I'd drop her for comment about your salary alone.
81Byerley · 09/10/2020 13:35

She sounds vile, I'd back off!

IntermittentParps · 09/10/2020 13:37

She's an appalling snob, and very ignorant of how things actually work.
I have a degree and a 'professional' job and earn about half of what you do!

I'd be tempted to let the friendship slide, especially as you've tried already to talk about it.

CharlieCoCo · 09/10/2020 13:41

She doesnt want to hang around people of "equal eductional/intellect" she wants to hang around you because she thinks you are beneath her (you arent) and it makes her feel better about herself. Get rid, I dont even know if all my friends have degrees, who cares as long as people are happy. I dont have a degree as my chosen profession doesn't require it and I know I make more money than some of my friends with degrees, because its a different job so different pay grade. I dont care as long as I get to see them.

Crinkle77 · 09/10/2020 13:44

So she's criticising you with a 70k salary whilst she doesn't even have a job yet. You should say something equally as catty about how you hope she manages to get a job in the current environment.

Coffeecak3 · 09/10/2020 13:46

Your friend is severely lacking in emotional intelligence, pity she couldn’t learn that at university.
Even in Paris you don’t get paid 70k unless you’re good at your job. Well done you.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2020 13:49

[quote Yesididnamechange]@thinkingcapon I have mentioned it to her when she makes the comments, but she just brushes it off and says that I shouldn’t take it personally, she worked hard for her degree and likes to surround herself wit people of the same intellectual (Or rather educational) level as her.[/quote]
I think if she's a good friend I'd call her put on it rather than ghost her.

When she days "You shouldn't take it personally, I only like to hang with people as special as me!" all her where that leaves you as according to her value systems you're not actually good enough to hang around her!

MingeofDeath · 09/10/2020 13:50

Going to university is no indicator of intelligence, it just means someone has been to university. From her comments, your friend does not sound as intelligent as she thinks she is.

MakeAPeaCry · 09/10/2020 13:53

@Coffeecak3

Your friend is severely lacking in emotional intelligence, pity she couldn’t learn that at university. Even in Paris you don’t get paid 70k unless you’re good at your job. Well done you.
Exactly - and it's likely that life may have a few surprises in store for her and you.

I was a non-degree high earner and before I took a deliberate step back I earned around £200k a year. It wasn't a degree that got me there. It was knowing how to work with all sorts of people to get the best out of them, and myself.

I also have known plenty of degree-holders who have chosen or failed to deliver on the earning potential that their degree suggests.

(Which is not to say that really matters, just that degrees are not guarantees and that hard work and social awareness still matters a great deal, if money is your goal). I fear your friend may be vulnerable to learning that all the hard way.

In the meantime, friends are not friends if they make you feel bad about yourself. Surround yourself with people you admire, not with people who think hurting you is their right.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/10/2020 13:55

Friends are there to build you up, not tear you down. She is not a friend. I'd dump her.

jeremypaxo · 09/10/2020 13:56

Your friend is a twat and I'd ditch her if I were you. I know from experience that it's nice to have other expats to hang with, but honestly life is too short to spend with someone who makes you feel shit about yourself.

I'd just phase her out. You could confront her but she'll tell you it's your issue so there's probably no point.

SlopesOff · 09/10/2020 13:58

Just tell her there is a big difference between being educated and being intelligent, she is not both.

Newfornow · 09/10/2020 13:59

She sounds like such a bore!
Tell her look up the definition of academic, amongst others... “ not of practical relevance” comes to mind when people are arrogant about the education.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 09/10/2020 14:01

She's...trying to distance herself from people who work in supermarkets etc because that is where she is frightened of ending up

Yes, and she's trying to show how 'different' she is from 'people like that'.

I didn't finish my undergraduate degree and I still work in academia. I work alongside people who've got more PhDs, fellowships and academic titles than I've had hot meals and I've never once been made to feel lesser than them.

Your 'friend' is an arse.

JosiePyeTheOriginalMeanGirl · 09/10/2020 14:01

To me, the answer would come down to how you feel about her or in her company. If you have enough good times with her that you'd miss her, keep her as a friend. If you find that this bothers you enough that you're not enjoying her company, start distancing.

You don't owe her anything, and she really does sound like a snob.

occa · 09/10/2020 14:05

She sound incredibly tedious, OP.

I'd back off from the friendship but don't think I could let it slide without getting a dig in. Next time she tells you not to take it personally, call her on it. Say, 'Actually, I DO take it personally, because it's a very personal and offensive thing to say. I know you are an academically intelligent person. but your social intelligence needs an awful lot of work.'

justasking111 · 09/10/2020 14:06

So she is unemployed but looks down her nose at your lifestyle. I would say her interview skills need looking at. Chill @Yesididnamechange you are doing well in your life.

lobsteroll · 09/10/2020 14:08

She sounds ridiculous and certainly won't have a happy life if she judges people before she's even met them, based on their job.

She doesn't sound like a positive influence in your life. I'd get rid.

Trixie18 · 09/10/2020 14:10

Dump her she's poison, you don't need people in your life who make you feel like this. Besides she sounds like a dick!

museumsandgalleries666 · 09/10/2020 14:11

I used to work for someone like this - he was American, I think maybe it's a thing there about being 'smart' (DT goes on about how smart he is if you notice). My boss always judged people by their education and thought very highly of himself as he had a PHD, but in my experience some very thick people have degrees and plenty of intelligent people don't have tertiary education; certainly having a degree is no automatic indication of intelligence.

However you don't need to put up with this crap; if she makes you feel bad about your achievements perhaps she's trying to make herself feel better about her own? If you come away feeling diminished by her comments then either call her out on it and / or reduce contact with her.

Having said that, being an expat is a tricky business, you probably don't want to cut her out completely as it may have a knock on effect on your social life.

I'd gently contradict her when she makes sweeping statements about other people's intellect and see how that goes down!

In the meantime, start making new friends.

Bouledeneige · 09/10/2020 14:13

No one I know gives a shit about whether or not anyone went to university or has a degree. In my profession we admire people for what they have achieved and their commitment and passion - no one knows or cares what their educational background is. she sounds like a shallow unkind person, who is desperately trying to big herself up in comparison with other people. Insecure probably. But definitely not a friend.

blueberrypie0112 · 09/10/2020 14:15

[quote Yesididnamechange]@thinkingcapon I have mentioned it to her when she makes the comments, but she just brushes it off and says that I shouldn’t take it personally, she worked hard for her degree and likes to surround herself wit people of the same intellectual (Or rather educational) level as her.[/quote]
I would have told her “I’ll take that as a compliment”

Really, I can’t understand why people Who claimed to be intelligent cannot understand anything.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/10/2020 14:17

You have absolutely nothing to lose from ardently contradicting this person and telling them exactly how appallingly arrogant and unfounded the attitude behind those comments are.
Congratulations on becoming fluent in French and earning a very good salary in a foreign country from your own hard work.

goldrabbit22 · 09/10/2020 14:18

Most of the high-powered women I know are married to plumbers, builders and gardeners.

She sounds shallow and silly.

MzHz · 09/10/2020 14:19

[quote Yesididnamechange]@thinkingcapon I have mentioned it to her when she makes the comments, but she just brushes it off and says that I shouldn’t take it personally, she worked hard for her degree and likes to surround herself wit people of the same intellectual (Or rather educational) level as her.[/quote]
There is your out then.

She sounds insufferable

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