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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandchildren feeling excluded

93 replies

HubertHerbert · 08/10/2020 17:06

I live near my parents and so does my sister. My children are older, school aged. My sister has very young children.

My sister is always at my parents. My children love going to see my parents too. If it's just my Mum there they just sit and watch tv with her, they tend not to 'play' but if my sister is there they obviously enjoy playing with their little cousins.

However my sister feels this is unfair as it means she has to supervise more closely than she otherwise would. That she is providing "free childcare", and I don't offer to take her child for play dates (I sometimes have, but it's hard work as she's very young, doesn't like the word 'no' and involves a lengthy cleanup - but she's adorable, I love her, previous to covid I was often working and it was just not easy to find the time, when shes older of course Ill have her regularly) I'm frustrated by this because it's just because they are always there this is a problem, it's after school and im often catching up on laundry and cooking. My sister has her meals at my parents several times a week - I'm not invited and occasionally when I am the plans change last minute as my mum decides she'd rather just cook for herself and my other sisters/bil, kids get very dissapointed when they were looking forward

I don't mind this. I'm not fussed about spending time with them. But my children are upset by it, they see it as one big family get together that they feel excluded from. Lock down makes things easier as the rules are hard and fast. But prior to that they were often sad to be sent home while the others stayed.

I suppose my AIBU is aibu to feel like I'm gaslighting my kids a bit when I try and make excuses as to why my sister is allowed there with her kids and mine are less welcome?

I appreciate the cousins are younger and my sister needs more help. But the rejection my kids feel is starting to hurt me. - I'm not sure how to constructively address it.

OP posts:
DramaDromedary · 08/10/2020 17:10

However my sister feels this is unfair as it means she has to supervise more closely than she otherwise would. That she is providing "free childcare", and I don't offer to take her child for play dates

I’m not quite sure what you mean by this, can you clarify? What is the arrangement when your kids are there?

Original poster
HubertHerbert · 08/10/2020 17:13

That my kids go alone to my mums, and if my sister is there that she is then having to supervise interactions. That I'm not with them.

OP posts:
Leaannb · 08/10/2020 17:22

@HubertHerbert

That my kids go alone to my mums, and if my sister is there that she is then having to supervise interactions. That I'm not with them.
So you are sending them for free childcare....WHy don't you go with them so you can supervise your children?
Original poster
HubertHerbert · 08/10/2020 17:26

Because I have laundry and dinner to do.

They are there to say hello to my mum, who does all my sisters laundry and most of her cooking.

I have told my kids they are not allowed to go there if my sister is there.

It's no problem when it's just my mum, they don't need hands on full supervision. One of them is in high school. It's not like they're preschool.

OP posts:
peboh · 08/10/2020 17:28

I don't think your sister is in the wrong. She goes with her child to visit her your mum, you're on about just dropping your children off. The only reason they're excluded is because you don't want to take them.

DramaDromedary · 08/10/2020 17:30

That my kids go alone to my mums, and if my sister is there that she is then having to supervise interactions. That I'm not with them.

I don’t really understand this. You said her DCs are very small, and yours are older school aged? Surely if they’re playing together, your sister would have to supervise less, not more?

Also, how many kids are there altogether? Is it too much work for your mum to have you all?

Anyway, could there be some kind of rota, agreed between all of you? Some days your family gets to stay for tea, some days hers does? You could offer to provide food and cook, instead of your mum running around after all of you, which is what it sounds like is happening....

Comefromaway · 08/10/2020 17:30

How old are your children?

If they are aged 7/8/9 YABU you need to go with them to supervise them.

If they are aged 11+ YANBU they can visit alone surely.

Original poster
HubertHerbert · 08/10/2020 17:49

Even if I did go with them there is still that awkward moment when we are told to go and my sister and her family stay for dinner.

OP posts:
Original poster
HubertHerbert · 08/10/2020 17:50

I avoid because I don't like it.

I would ban the kids from going

But the I worry I'm depriving them of contact.

OP posts:
peboh · 08/10/2020 17:51

Have you spoken to your mum about this?! It's her house, so surely not for your sister to send you home when it's dinner time.

BlusteryShowers · 08/10/2020 17:51

Could you invite your mum to your house for tea so she can spend time with your children while you do the housework and cook?

If you go round can you agree in advance that you'll eat there without them changing plans, or else have something really quick ready for when you get home (pizza, big batch)?

SleepingStandingUp · 08/10/2020 17:52

@HubertHerbert

That my kids go alone to my mums, and if my sister is there that she is then having to supervise interactions. That I'm not with them.
Mon why can't we go to Grandma's but Katie can? Because Katie's mommy can stay with her and I don't stay with you because I'm very busy.

Sorted

HandfulofDust · 08/10/2020 17:56

Well it's your mum's house so I really don't see why your sister is dictating who can or cannot stay. If your mum's happy to have your kids over without you I don't see why your sister has an issue.

OverTheRainbow88 · 08/10/2020 17:58

Do you have a good relationship with your mum?

SleepingStandingUp · 08/10/2020 18:02

@HubertHerbert

Even if I did go with them there is still that awkward moment when we are told to go and my sister and her family stay for dinner.
But surely you manage that out of manners. You tell kids before time that is time to leave as you have to get dinner on, rather than waiting until you're mom and you to leave?
GrumpyHoonMain · 08/10/2020 18:03

Sounds like your relationship with your mum isn’t great which is why you aren’t getting invited for dinner. If the kids ask why they have to leave and the others can stay you can be honest with them in front of your mum / sister’s family and say you aren’t invited. To be honest your mum sounds like she deserves to be publically shamed a bit - deliberately excluding one child / set of grandkids is wrong.

Original poster
HubertHerbert · 08/10/2020 18:03

I don't think my mum would come for dinner at my house tbh. She would very occasionally but not regularly. She likes being queen of the kitchen. She doesn't really like leaving her house.

My mum doesn't mind the kids turning up

Its my sister who does

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 08/10/2020 18:04

@HubertHerbert

I don't think my mum would come for dinner at my house tbh. She would very occasionally but not regularly. She likes being queen of the kitchen. She doesn't really like leaving her house.

My mum doesn't mind the kids turning up

Its my sister who does

Then do nothing. It’s your mum’s house, not your sister’s.
Lollypop701 · 08/10/2020 18:04

Have you told your mum you and your family would like to stay for dinner? What’s the back story op?

Original poster
HubertHerbert · 08/10/2020 18:05

I think the thing I'm annoyed at, is that I feel like I have to make excuses to my kids about not being able go stay for dinner that are a bit dishonest. That if I said it as it was it makes my mum and sister feel bad.

The reason for the disparity is that my sister struggles a bit to cope.

OP posts:
Original poster
HubertHerbert · 08/10/2020 18:09

I can't really do nothing, because my sister kicks off at my mum about it. And my mum defends her.

I'd really rather minimise contact.

But my kids love going and I'm confused about my role in facilitating their relationship with my grandparents.

Tell them not to go - they want to know why. What am I to tell them? They're just less welcome? Then I'm poisoning the relationship

I don't know what to say or do about it.

If I could afford to move so the kids weren't within walking distance I would

OP posts:
Original poster
HubertHerbert · 08/10/2020 18:10

The back story is my sister struggles a bit with her young family and not the most supportive partner. My mum worries about her

OP posts:
Venicelover · 08/10/2020 18:10

Have you asked your mum if your DC can stay?

I also don't understand your sister saying she has to supervise more, if your DC are older surely they entertain their cousins?

Original poster
HubertHerbert · 08/10/2020 18:11

The kids tell my mum they'd like to stay for dinner.

My mum says no but feels bad and then usually makes a plan to have them over a different day. Then cancels in the afternoon and the kids go by the house and see their cousins there, they find it hurtful.

OP posts:
User43210 · 08/10/2020 18:12

Screw your sister. Tell them how it is, she doesn't deserve protection from her nastiness. She's monopolising your mum's time and taking that time from your children!