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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandchildren feeling excluded

93 replies

HubertHerbert · 08/10/2020 17:06

I live near my parents and so does my sister. My children are older, school aged. My sister has very young children.

My sister is always at my parents. My children love going to see my parents too. If it's just my Mum there they just sit and watch tv with her, they tend not to 'play' but if my sister is there they obviously enjoy playing with their little cousins.

However my sister feels this is unfair as it means she has to supervise more closely than she otherwise would. That she is providing "free childcare", and I don't offer to take her child for play dates (I sometimes have, but it's hard work as she's very young, doesn't like the word 'no' and involves a lengthy cleanup - but she's adorable, I love her, previous to covid I was often working and it was just not easy to find the time, when shes older of course Ill have her regularly) I'm frustrated by this because it's just because they are always there this is a problem, it's after school and im often catching up on laundry and cooking. My sister has her meals at my parents several times a week - I'm not invited and occasionally when I am the plans change last minute as my mum decides she'd rather just cook for herself and my other sisters/bil, kids get very dissapointed when they were looking forward

I don't mind this. I'm not fussed about spending time with them. But my children are upset by it, they see it as one big family get together that they feel excluded from. Lock down makes things easier as the rules are hard and fast. But prior to that they were often sad to be sent home while the others stayed.

I suppose my AIBU is aibu to feel like I'm gaslighting my kids a bit when I try and make excuses as to why my sister is allowed there with her kids and mine are less welcome?

I appreciate the cousins are younger and my sister needs more help. But the rejection my kids feel is starting to hurt me. - I'm not sure how to constructively address it.

OP posts:

Original poster

HubertHerbert · 08/10/2020 21:24

I don't drop them off?

I've said a dozen times I try and stop them from going.

She's not there for a nice catch up, she's there because my mum does her cooking and laundry. She's not very nice to my mum but she puts up with it because she's "stressed"

I have 2 kids, 7 and 13

OP posts:

purpledagger · 08/10/2020 21:29

I bet your dsis feels that it's her 'turn' to have your mums time, in the same way that your mums time was taken up by you and your children.

I also think your dsis is right about feeling like a babysitter. My children have older cousins and although I trusted by DNs, it's not fair to leave older children in charge of younger children.

I think at the very least, you should stay at your mums with your children if it's that important to you to facilitate their relationship.

welshladywhois40 · 08/10/2020 21:32

Lo lo

purpledagger · 08/10/2020 21:33

X-posted

A 7 and 13 year old definitely can't be left unsupervised with younger children, so I agree that with your Dsis about that.

Original poster

HubertHerbert · 08/10/2020 21:55

It's not that important to me.

I'm happy to cut it.

OP posts:

Straven123 · 08/10/2020 21:56

There are two adults in the house too. How is that leaving DCs unsupervised?
I would just be honest with your DCs and tell them that DSis doesn't want them there and DM is going to take her side.
Sad but that's the situation.

converseandjeans · 08/10/2020 22:02

I think 7 & 13 is old enough to go unaccompanied tbh. Especially if it's just up the road.

I do feel a bit sorry for your Mum - but she's got herself roped into doing all the hard work for your sister. She needs to tell your DSIS no sometimes but I guess DSIS has always been unable to cope & just expects your DM to take over.

Original poster

HubertHerbert · 08/10/2020 22:08

I think my sister takes absolute advantage of my mum. But that is their business.

OP posts:

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/10/2020 22:52

I'm not going to make excuses for your family OP.

I've seen parallels of this situation among my own family. Some people (eg your mum) respond more to feeling "needed", despite it actually result in being basically quite put upon. My own grandparents were like this with one of my sets of cousins - my aunt & her husband had started a far fetched business scheme & lost money, so leaned on my grandparents heavily. Grandparents obliged and prioritised her & her children over other GC. It caused no end of family upset and bad feeling over years.

Tell your mum calmly but bluntly how your children feel. Explain that you will keep them out of her way for a bit while she is choosing to dedicate most of her time to your sister, but will welcome the opportunity to visit when she can offer the level of attention to you that your sister & her family get now. Helping out a daughter who perhaps needs you more shouldn't mean excluding your other daughter.

grumpycivilservant · 08/10/2020 23:19

Your sister does sound like an absolute piss taker

MandalaYogaTapestry · 09/10/2020 02:04

I read the full thread but must have missed the bit which explains why OP's kids cannot stay for dinner? If they are there anyway.

youdidask · 10/10/2020 10:59

I do get it.
We are fairly low contact with MIL because my kids are big enough and sharp enough to see the disparate way they get treated.
It's blatant.
The thing is the siblings all see it and know yet there is still some competition for her attention. The other 'married into' the family all see it and we actively keep clear.

It's draining and sad for the kids and about to get worse as the current golden child is pregnant.

Cheeeeislifenow · 10/10/2020 11:03

I think your mum needs a holiday.

AmIACowBag · 10/10/2020 11:28

I see where you are coming from OP. Your mum is being very unfair on your kids treating them different and your sister sounds useless. This threads made me realise my mum very often, atleast a couple of times a week, cooks for my sisters kids but has not cooked for mine for probably years. My kids don't seem to care, we visit her less often. We have been there before though when they get fed and mine haven't so we just leave to get dinner. My sisters really needy though (and struggles with depression) and I'm not.

Tiktaktoe · 10/10/2020 11:40

I think your kids are old enough to tell them the truth of the situation. Your sister and her family eat their meals there because your sister needs help. Your family eat at your own house because your mother cannot be responsible for feeding everyone.
How many kids does your sister have? I feel really sorry for your mum in this situation even though it is of her own making.

ReallySpicyCurry · 10/10/2020 11:51

God, is your sister my SIL?

There is a similar dynamic amongst my PILS. SIL can't cope with her children so they are at pils from dawn to dusk. This then means the other GC don't get much of a look in because the other siblings are conscious that their parents, who are not in the best of health, are already maxed out with one set of GC, and any thoughtful person would be unwilling to add to the stress.

I think people who don't live close to family and who don't have that free and easy "popping in" dynamic will struggle to understand the issue here but I get it completely.
Your problem is the 7 year old. 13 is fine because they just slope around and can make tea and ironically watch telly with the preschoolers, but unless you have an extremely docile 7 year old, the 7 year old is likely (and quite naturally) going to arrange intricate games with the little ones which may involve running about the garden, going upstairs, making dens- basically your sister will have to get up off her arse rather than sitting on the sofa with cbeebies on and your mum doing everything

Howlooseisyourgoose · 10/10/2020 12:21

Why is it my job to manage my childrens dissapointment that they are only invited for dinner very occasionally and their cousins are there most days?

I don't see why that's my problem.

It's your problem because it's hurting your kids.

It sounds like a very toxic environment and it's good that the visits have stopped so your kids can get used to not going there.

I can't imagine telling some grandchildren they can't have any dinner and yet feeding other grandchildren. And your mum compounds it by feeling 'guilty' and inviting your dc for a meal another day and then backing out. What your mum should so is say she's tired for cooking for anyone and just stop it. But it sounds like your mum is enabling your sister to be lazy and is taking it on you and your children. Very toxic.

In your situation, I would tell your mum that you're not happy she is treating your children like second class citizens whilst treating sis and her children like the favourites and that they won't be coming around anymore.

EndlessWaffle · 10/10/2020 12:27

Did your mum feed and wash for you when your DC were young? My guess is your DS is getting more help than you got, yourDS is probably a bit of a drama llama (google the drama triangle please) and you are expected to cope better because you're older or perceived more capable or whatever.
Families like this rarely change. Get used to it and find a way to live with these relationships while protecting yourself from guilt, criticism, kids questioning or whatever else you need
And don't get sucked into the drama triangle xx

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