Grandchildren feeling excluded

[HubertHerbert]

I live near my parents and so does my sister. My children are older, school aged. My sister has very young children.

My sister is always at my parents. My children love going to see my parents too. If it's just my Mum there they just sit and watch tv with her, they tend not to 'play' but if my sister is there they obviously enjoy playing with their little cousins.

However my sister feels this is unfair as it means she has to supervise more closely than she otherwise would. That she is providing "free childcare", and I don't offer to take her child for play dates (I sometimes have, but it's hard work as she's very young, doesn't like the word 'no' and involves a lengthy cleanup - but she's adorable, I love her, previous to covid I was often working and it was just not easy to find the time, when shes older of course Ill have her regularly) I'm frustrated by this because it's just because they are always there this is a problem, it's after school and im often catching up on laundry and cooking. My sister has her meals at my parents several times a week - I'm not invited and occasionally when I am the plans change last minute as my mum decides she'd rather just cook for herself and my other sisters/bil, kids get very dissapointed when they were looking forward

I don't mind this. I'm not fussed about spending time with them. But my children are upset by it, they see it as one big family get together that they feel excluded from. Lock down makes things easier as the rules are hard and fast. But prior to that they were often sad to be sent home while the others stayed.

I suppose my AIBU is aibu to feel like I'm gaslighting my kids a bit when I try and make excuses as to why my sister is allowed there with her kids and mine are less welcome?

I appreciate the cousins are younger and my sister needs more help. But the rejection my kids feel is starting to hurt me. - I'm not sure how to constructively address it.

My sister is very protective over her children. They are smaller.

That's my feeling user43

But now I'm very unpopular because I'm making people feel bad.

I think it's ok for your dsis to see your mum without your kids being there tbh.

So you set boundaries.

You can go to Nans but be back at 5.

You can't stay for dinner because we have dinner as a family and Nan can't cook for us all.

Aunty Jess and Katie have dinner there because Nan helps Aunty Jess look after Katie. I don't need that help because you're bigger / were fine / I have Dad etc.

Speak to your Mom and see if you can agree a date. When sister says they aren't welcome, explain its been agreed with your Mom but don't get drawn into an arguement. On the day they're stopping for dinner you won't need to cook your own so you can stay. If you have so much laundry you can't stay with them once a fortnight, you have bigger issues or too many children for your Mom to cope with

I think it's really strange and hurtful that your mum is regularly cooking for your sister and her kids but sending you packing. That's a really shitty thing to do.

I think you’re being a bit precious tbh. I’m sure there’s days your sister isn’t there that you can send the kids over? You haven’t clarified how old they are, but if they’re school age surely they can understand granny can’t cook/host everyone at the same time multiple days a week? I think it’s down to you to manage their disappoint and explain that you won’t accompany them so they can’t go, it’s not your sisters fault but she seems to be used as the scapegoat for your children’s upset.

But now I'm very unpopular because I'm making people feel bad.

They should feel bad as they're excluding you and your children and aren't bothered about how that makes you feel.

Sounds like your sister needs the help. Your kids don't need to stay for dinner. Also it is a bit unfair that your sister has to look after your kids because you don't go.
How old are all the children, and how often are they visiting your mum?

Go with your children time to time. Not fair for them to miss out because your busy doing other things. Problem solved.

I would tell your mum how it makes your children feel and not let them go again until she agrees to do something about it.

Difficult. I think as suggested above you tell the kids what's what. That DSis can't cope, that DM feels she has to help her, that DM feels you manage ok on your own. And even a bit of DSis is her favourite, then you will get a bit of sympathy from your DCs and they can see that adults have their flaws.
By pretending it's all got justifiable reasons you are stressing yourself as you try to cover for your DM and Sis.
It would be best if you found some new friends that your DCs can call round on and play with.

Loom you can't control how your sister behaves, you can't control how your mum reacts and behaves.
You can control how your children see and understand this behaviour.
They are at high school don't sugar coat it.
Be blunt- explain that it is not them but your mum and sister.
Commiserate with them and console them.

Unless there is a massive drip feed about how badly behaved your kids are and that they are rough and aggressive with your sisters kids YANBU

Well I'm a gran, if the mother of my younger GC told the mother of my older GC they weren't welcome in my house I'd go ballistic. Is she very controlling? I find having the older children here makes life easier, the little ones adore them and they play well together. Maybe your sister should leave them to get on with it.

Why can't your secondary school children take their nan out for coffee to spend time with her?
Why can't they phone their nan and invite her to watch telly with them at your home?
They're old enough to be organizing their own interactions with relatives.

@knowsmorethansnow

I would tell your mum how it makes your children feel and not let them go again until she agrees to do something about it.

This

Er, why are there so many different people going to your parents? Do you know there’s restrictions in place???

Why is it my job to manage my childrens dissapointment that they are only invited for dinner very occasionally and their cousins are there most days?

I don't see why that's my problem.

If I tell them they can't go because I can't go with them they just reply that it's OK because their grandma says it is, until my mum starts telling them they need to be accompanied they think I'm the problem.

It's my sister who has the problem with my kids being at my mums.

It's not like they're going to my sister's house unaccompanied.

My mum does not like leaving her house. I said this up thread. My mum has turned down endless invitations to do things. There's no point in asking because she just gets annoyed and feels that I should know better than to invite her!

I'm not going and nor are my kids. As I said earlier the joy of lockdown is that it's currently not up for discussion

My sister and her family have 'bubbled' with my folks

It's your job because you're their mother.

Speak to your mum. Tell her that her actions are hurting your children. Ask her to work with you on a solution.

I agree. It may be awkward, but you need to talk to your mother about how it looks/feels to your children.

It would be different if your kids were barging in and disrupting time set aside for your sister and her children, but by the sounds of it, your sister and her kids are there practically all the time. There should be special time for just your kids, too! That's only fair.

Surely your sister can make do on her own, every so often, or your mother can muster the energy to deal with a larger crowd once a month (or however often works).

If you speak to your mother and she simply isn't bothered by the fact that your children are feeling excluded, then maybe it's time to acknowledge that to your children. It's not poisoning the relationship to discuss the facts openly. I'd explain the situation as honestly as possible and go from there. Some of them are old enough to see what's happening for themselves, anyway. No sense in lying so other people can save face.

Your sister doesn't want to share your Mum. This goes very deep. What were your roles/identities when you were growing up? Your mother sounds narcissistic and I suspect your sis and her kids are Golden and and you and your kids are scapegoats. Your sister is creating a drama triangle out of u, your mum and her. She is always victim, mum is rescuer and you are the perpetrator (baddie). Does that resonate for you? I'd be furious on behalf of my kids if I were you.

It's not just that your sister doesn't want your kids there too though is it? Your mum isn't treating all the grand children the same. She's actively excluding them from staying for dinner. She is letting your sister dictate things. Perhaps because she feels your sister is less capable and needs more help?

If your sister is having to supervise your older children then I think you should be with them. Have you asked anyone how your children are causing more work. High school aged children shouldn't need supervising, they should be making her visit easier actually.

How old are your children and how many are there?