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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandchildren feeling excluded

93 replies

HubertHerbert · 08/10/2020 17:06

I live near my parents and so does my sister. My children are older, school aged. My sister has very young children.

My sister is always at my parents. My children love going to see my parents too. If it's just my Mum there they just sit and watch tv with her, they tend not to 'play' but if my sister is there they obviously enjoy playing with their little cousins.

However my sister feels this is unfair as it means she has to supervise more closely than she otherwise would. That she is providing "free childcare", and I don't offer to take her child for play dates (I sometimes have, but it's hard work as she's very young, doesn't like the word 'no' and involves a lengthy cleanup - but she's adorable, I love her, previous to covid I was often working and it was just not easy to find the time, when shes older of course Ill have her regularly) I'm frustrated by this because it's just because they are always there this is a problem, it's after school and im often catching up on laundry and cooking. My sister has her meals at my parents several times a week - I'm not invited and occasionally when I am the plans change last minute as my mum decides she'd rather just cook for herself and my other sisters/bil, kids get very dissapointed when they were looking forward

I don't mind this. I'm not fussed about spending time with them. But my children are upset by it, they see it as one big family get together that they feel excluded from. Lock down makes things easier as the rules are hard and fast. But prior to that they were often sad to be sent home while the others stayed.

I suppose my AIBU is aibu to feel like I'm gaslighting my kids a bit when I try and make excuses as to why my sister is allowed there with her kids and mine are less welcome?

I appreciate the cousins are younger and my sister needs more help. But the rejection my kids feel is starting to hurt me. - I'm not sure how to constructively address it.

OP posts:

Tumbleweed101 · 08/10/2020 19:33

Can you talk to your mum privately about the situation and how your children feel? She may be able to find a solution herself that makes all her grandchildren happy?

I don't have this issue as my children don't have cousins as my brother doesn't have his own family but I like to think we'd all muck in together to arrange times that suit everyone.

My children go to my mums regularly without me there too. My youngest is 11 but my mum provided childcare friday evenings without me there when i had to work til 6 throughout primary school so I think grandchildren should be able to visit without their parent there too unless the grandparent is unable to cope with that (due to age etc).

CloudyVanilla · 08/10/2020 19:44

I think it's more on your mum to enforce this. I do understand as I'm in kind of a similar situation except it's my kids who are the younger ones, but relatives take up so my of my mum's energy I feel bad bringing mine around or ever asking any favours. It's extra unfair because my dp has no family and relative has help from her DCs other grandparents too.

It doesn't bother me much as mine are too little to feel comfortable letting other people look after anyway, but my mum is the only person who I trust to have them and it would be nice to consider being able to ask her but I just wouldn't because the amount of favours relative asks for.

It does suck, I don't think it's anything to do with favouritism as your mum is probably just like mine and just wouldn't say no. I would challenge your sister and separately try and arrange set days for your DC to see their GP. I don't see how anyone can argue with that.

namechangenumber204 · 08/10/2020 19:47

OK, I can see this won't go down well - but how about your children asking your sister/mum why they aren't welcome? Perhaps coming from them it might make your sister and mum realise that your children are old enough to realise what is happening?

PenguinIce · 08/10/2020 19:47

It doesn’t really matter what your sister thinks or what she is doing. If your mum is allowing her to do it then she is agreeing to it and obviously doesn’t care about you or your dcs feelings. You can’t make your mum want to spend time with your dc and you are probably best off trying to break the habit of going round there so often.

agonyauntie2020 · 08/10/2020 19:47

I've read this twice and I honestly can't figure it out at all. I feel like (a) there is some sort of drip feed coming, and (b) someone is being unreasonable but whether it's you, your sister or your mum I can't tell. Also why haven't you answered the question of how old your kids are?

Kay2theT · 08/10/2020 19:48

I think you could be doing much more to manage the situation.

Also how often is everyone at your mom's and why should she have to provide dinner all the time? Have you considered the fact that she is unable to afford to feed everyone and your sister takes priority because she's struggling? Sometimes you can't treat everyone equally and I actually feel a bit sorry for your mom, it sounds hectic.

How old are your kids? How often do they go? Why don't you get them home before your mom and sister need to eat? Are you literally doing washing and cooking every time they go? Every day?

There is so much information missing....

Leylafrenchie · 08/10/2020 19:56

Look after your kids when they are round your mums so that’s sister doesn’t have to watch them then...
Your kids must be doing something if she feels like she has to watch them when they are around there..

Scweltish · 08/10/2020 19:56

Oh ffs op, just go and supervise your children! Your sister actually goes and spends time with her mum, they spend most days together and have their dinner together. You’re apparently too busy doing laundry to visit your mother. And now you’ve got the hump about your sister complaining about supervising the lot of them when you’ve sent your kids round without you, and your mother not be able or willing to cook huge dinners for the lot of them. I think there’s a good reason why your mother hasn’t stepped in to offer a solution to your problem of the supervision and food provisions for your kids- because she doesn’t want to!

HerNameWasEliza · 08/10/2020 19:56

I'm quite confused too so may be missing something but it seems to me that maybe your kids, despite their age, are not as easy going as you think? I say that as someone with a 15 year old niece who is less mature than my kids were at 7. She needs supervising a lot as otherwise gets silly/ does dangerous thing, is aggressive. I would not leave her alone in my house. I think maybe your sister resents you leaving your kids as hers as it means she has to do more. Can you ask her more about what supervising she actually does?

In terms of what to tell your kids, I do think that if they're old enough to be largely unsupervised than they're old enough to know that your DSIS struggles a bit and that's why gran cooks for them more - as families help each other out (ideally!) and being fair does not mean doing the same for everyone.

Original poster

HubertHerbert · 08/10/2020 20:06

I don't want my mum to cook me any meal. I don't want to spend any time there.

I'm just sad for my kids who do.

I don't want to give more info because it's outing

OP posts:

Brieminewine · 08/10/2020 20:06

Why is it my job to manage my childrens dissapointment

Because that’s part of parenting? Take responsibility for your children. It’s not your mothers job to provide entertainment/meals daily.

Hardbackwriter · 08/10/2020 20:14

@HubertHerbert

I don't want my mum to cook me any meal. I don't want to spend any time there.

I'm just sad for my kids who do.

I don't want to give more info because it's outing

Fair enough but it's pretty pointless starting a thread if you're not actually going to explain the situation. It's clearly very, very relevant that you appear to be minimising contact with your mum and I'm surprised that you're surprised that it's had an impact on her relationship with your children.

Leaannb · 08/10/2020 20:14

@HubertHerbert

I don't want my mum to cook me any meal. I don't want to spend any time there.

I'm just sad for my kids who do.

I don't want to give more info because it's outing

So all the missing,missing reasons. You don't want to visit your mom but just to dump your kids on her...Thats awful damn cheeky

converseandjeans · 08/10/2020 20:16

It's not just that your sister doesn't want your kids there too though is it? Your mum isn't treating all the grand children the same. She's actively excluding them from staying for dinner. She is letting your sister dictate things. Perhaps because she feels your sister is less capable and needs more help?

Agree with this. When my Dad was around literally every weekend all year was taken up with babysitting for DB and his kids. I live further away & if we did go up it wasn't popular with DB as he felt we were detracting from his family & they wouldn't come to visit me either.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 08/10/2020 20:16

@HubertHerbert

I don't want my mum to cook me any meal. I don't want to spend any time there.

I'm just sad for my kids who do.

I don't want to give more info because it's outing

The only reason it would be outing is if you have an excessive number of children of primary school age, 4 year old triplets by any chance?

CloudyVanilla · 08/10/2020 20:19

I do honestly think OP that the problem is there are 2 different perspectives here:

One is the one you have given - that your sister is always around your mum's house, effectively using much of her practical and emotional resources, and then to add insult to injury is now seeking to cut your DC out of the picture, for selfish reasons. This is unfair because your sister is the cause of your DC missing out.

The other though, is that your mum and sister have a arrangement they are both happy with, but maybe feel that you sending your DC without your supervision is causing a problems and they also wonder why you're happy to get free childcare but (just going by your OP) don't reciprocate.

I don't know, to be honest there's not enough of the story to really advise. I'm not saying you should share more, but if it's bothering you then you have to look at the whole situation. Either you need to challenge them on the exclusion of your DC, distance yourself and your DC from the situation, or identify your own role in this situation which is causing the issue. Hope it all works out for you

ImSleepingBeauty · 08/10/2020 20:20

I have the youngest children out of my wider family.
Every time there is a family get together I’m left supervising.
It’s really draining. The other children are old enough to be left alone but mine aren’t. So I have no choice but to stay in the same room as all the children and supervise them all.

There are often little squabbles that break out. I have to sort them. Occasionally there are accidents. I have to look after them. In the meantime their parents are in the kitchen having a coffee and a chat or are not there at all.

I’ve actually stopped going. I decided to stop after one of my sisters children hurt mine (by accident) and then lied about it. My sister took her child’s side. This in itself was understandable but because she was never present supervising her child she had no idea what the truth was.

I’d rather stop going then be the on site childminder. I wouldn’t say the others can’t be there but I have been honest with my children and said we will see them another time because mummy is tired of being the only one supervising.

I think you should be there with your DC or they see your parents at different times. If your parents want the relationship they’ll make it happen. I wouldn’t be lying or covering up for your sister. Just be honest, she feels like she has to supervise all of them so she doesn’t want them there at the same time.

CloudyVanilla · 08/10/2020 20:22

I'm also a little confused about why you would insist on a relationship between your DC and mum if you are not on good enough terms with your mum to want to see her.

If my mum was bad enough to not want to see her, I wouldn't be facilitating or even allowing a relationship between DC and her.

Original poster

HubertHerbert · 08/10/2020 20:28

I suppose favouritism is the crux of it. My sister is the favourite

The reason given is that she can't cope. But she continues to have children, despite needing so much support.

My children don't misbehave, they are lovely and get on fine, my sister is just very precious as sees it as an invasion of her territory.

And probably that's why I'm so touchy about it, because I feel protective over my children and their feelings of rejection hurt me.

I shouldn't have started a thread because there is back story but it's just one long saga. And it could be outing.

I suppose I should be there to supervise my kids. But you can bet sure as shit when my sisters reach their age they'll be round there "unattended".

OP posts:

Quillink · 08/10/2020 20:29

Oh OP I really hear your feelings of sadness and rejection. It's rubbish. In my similar situation we decided to priotitise protecting our kids. In the end this meant distancing the kids from relatives who loved them but whose preferential behaviour was very damaging. It's very hard. I'm sorry

Straven123 · 08/10/2020 20:36

I don't think the OP's DCs are being sent round unsupervised, they are wanting to go to see their DGm and cousins. The Sis is making reasons for them not to come.

Original poster

HubertHerbert · 08/10/2020 20:45

My kids are not being "sent" round no.

They want to go, they see their extended family at my mums house having one endless party and I'm the one stopping them from going. I go to great lengths to discourage it

OP posts:

Porcupineinwaiting · 08/10/2020 20:49

If they are not being sent round, are they being invited? How do they even know your sis is there,?

tiredybear · 08/10/2020 20:51

putting aside the issues with your sister, which obviously are really irritating, it reads to me that the main issue now is your mum making plans with your kids then cancelling last minute in favour of your sister's family. Regardless of any issues your sister has, or issues between you, this is absolutely not acceptable and you need to have a gentle word with your mum and let her know the impact it is having on your children. Having everyone over for dinner all the time must be a bit draining for her, so to keep it simple, it could just be a blanket rule that your kids don't have dinner there in the week. Make sure your mum doesn't invite them (as you know it will be cancelled later).
You could explain to them that younger children are a lot more demanding so your sister needs the extra help - factual and not bad-mouthing anyone.
A simple "yes, you can go and say hi to gran, but make sure you leave before they are having dinner".

Witchend · 08/10/2020 21:19

I can't see anything about how old your dc are are and how many of them.
It's somewhat different leaving a 16yo and a 14yo who adore their younger cousins and will genuinely look after them well and help granny when asked, and a 8yo, 7yo and 5yo who will have to be separated for arguing, complain that the 7yo looked at them funny and moan that the tea isn't good enough.

You're not comparing like with like. You're leaving your dc to be looked after while you get on with other things and she's going round to spend time with her mum and look after her own dc.

I don't think anyone can make judgements about who's being fair/unfair because the situations are different.
You can bet if your dsis put on "aibu to object that when I go round to have a nice catch up with dm, dsis always drops her dc off and goes home and instead of being able to chat nicely I spend the whole time sorting out fights, getting drinks and looking after her dc" you'd find people would be on her side.

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