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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to see them?

87 replies

Misshapencha0s · 07/10/2020 20:34

I have name changed for this. Will try to be as concise as possible...

Last year I made the decision to seek help from women’s aid to leave an emotionally abusive relationship (Name calling, constant criticising and undermining, always calling me ‘woman’ or ‘stupid woman’, calling kids ‘wicked childish, ‘evil child’ etc The abuse had also started to become physical towards me and my children...so throwing things, tripping up, pushing down, threatening. Bully boy type stuff that was so relentless I couldn’t endure it any longer or accept it as it was starting to be directed at my children and that was the final straw.

My brother and SIL didn’t know anything about all of this until my parents informed them that we were leaving the family home. My brother and SIL were very distant with me after they were informed, only reaching out once to say ‘thinking of you’ . I thought it was strange that they were so distant and uncommunicative but put it down to some people feeling awkward about these things... I found out a few months later that they were texting, FaceTiming, phoning and meeting with my ex the whole time. I would be able to understand them offering some support to him if they had offered some to me also, or at least told me they were doing this.

They had said to my parents I must have been blowing it all out of proportion and couldn’t understand why women’s aid would be helping me etc. They said I was selfish and cruel/cold for leaving my husband and could not understand why I would do that to him and the kids.

I was really hurt when this came to light.

My question is am I being unreasonable to feel hurt and betrayed? Also AIBU to not really have any desire to see them. The only thing I am sad about in this now is not being able to see my little niece, and for my children to not see their cousin. Should I be over it already?

I Suggested a while back we could have a chat to clear the air but they said they just want to move forward and not discuss any of it at all. That just left me cold.

Not really sure if this all makes sense.thanks in advance.

OP posts:
CitizenFame · 07/10/2020 20:42

This makes no sense at all (not your post - the situation)

Is your ex related to the SIL? Were either or both of them close to him as friends before he was with you? I’m completely baffled about this. It’s sad that you won’t get to see your niece anymore but I would be furious with my brother if he picked my ex over his own sibling and would be quite happy to keep him well out of my life for now

Sunnydaysstillhere · 07/10/2020 20:45

Yabu to even give the nasty fuckers a second thought op...

2me2u2u2me · 07/10/2020 20:50

He’s obviously got them on side and told them stack of lies and that what you’ve said is untrue about him and they’ve believed him. I think if you can’t reach out to them face-to-face maybe write your brother a letter explaining everything, not that you should have to but if it would put your mind at rest and maybe get through to him then I’d do that.

For what it’s worth I think your brother is totally out of order siding with him, whatever the reason for you splitting up he should be loyal to you as his family and I’d be deeply hurt about that. Really sorry for what you’ve gone/going through.

Elieza · 07/10/2020 20:56

Either your ex got to them first and brainwashed them that you’re a liar and they lapped it up. (That’s what abusers do. They isolate their victims. They are personable. People believe them).

Or

They don’t want to hear anything at all and just pretend none of it happened. The easy option. Ignore a problem and then you don’t need to do anything. Stay mates with all concerned. Everything’s rosy. Nothing to do with us. Deny all knowledge of anything like talking to the other party and then there’s no hassle.

Either way I’d be hurt too. I had an ex that didn’t believe I was ill. Said I was lying. So I kinda know what it feels like when the ones you love should support you and have your back during a really difficult time and they don’t. It’s like a betrayal.

Especially if they listened to his side but now don’t want to listen to yours.

You know who your friends are at times like these. I wouldnt be bothering my arse with those two, even if they are family.

Congrats on getting away from your ex OP. Focus on that, as it’s a difficult thing to do. You should be proud you got there, many don’t. You have your life back. Flowers

HandfulofDust · 07/10/2020 21:03

Wow I'd be horribly hurt OP. I'm not sure I could ever forgive my brother and I'd certainly have no desire to see him any time soon. Perhaps your ex was a personable guy socially but how could your brother put that in front of supporting his sister in a horrible situation.

I hope you're in a better place now OP and surrounded by better people.

GarlicMonkey · 07/10/2020 21:36

He's an abuser & abusers are expert groomers. You're obviously not stupid OP but I bet he charmed & gaslighted you for a number of years before his true colours showed? Your DH & SIL will find out the in time what he's really like & then they'll be sick to the stomach. Until then blank them. And after then, still blank them!

Ilovesausages · 07/10/2020 21:38

I’d be so hurt and I would struggle to have a relationship with them after that to be honest.

PostItJoyWeek · 07/10/2020 21:59

My immediate assumption was that your brother sympathises with your ex because he is like your ex.

Did you grow up in a toxic household? If so, that greatly increases the chances of you and siblings ending up in abusive relationships either as the abuser or the codependent victim.

Original poster
Misshapencha0s · 08/10/2020 20:40

Hi, thank you all for your responses. It has been helpful to read through these and get the validation that others would feel the same way about this.

I will answer the questions:

  • brother and SIL did not know ex in any capacity other than through me
-yes I grew up in what you would describe now as an emotionally abusive home...fraught with tension, many fights, dad sulking for days over the slightest thing or going into a blind rage. It was quite a tough environment to grow up in, especially as from the outside everything seemed so 'perfectly normal.' I do think bro and SIL lapped up ex's version of events. I am not sure why as from my point of view I have only ever been a supportive, loving and kind sister. I always involve them in everything. I was blindsided by all of this. My brother has never been very communicative, and has a tendency to be quite acerbic, but I always assumed he would be there for me during a tough time and vice versa. I found out he sent messages to my ex saying 'I am on your side' and 'you are like a brother to me, I love you man.' They want to pretend like nothing ever happened and just meet up somewhere to 'catch up'. I feel like I have just got the knife out my back and with their unwillingness to discuss anything and desire to just 'move forward' I don't see any relationship being salvaged from this.

Thanks again for the insight and advice...very helpful.

OP posts:
Krampusasbabysitter · 08/10/2020 21:01

Given this level of total betrayal, I would go NC with your brother and SIL. It could have potentially been endangering your and your kids' lives if you had relied on them to protect you from his abuse as they took his side. They don't get to rewrite history or pretend nothing happened. They are utter scum!

Mum2jenny · 08/10/2020 21:05

Definitely go no contact with your brother and ignore your sil. They have betrayed you totally.

PostItJoyWeek · 08/10/2020 21:22

Cut them out. Sounds like your DB is cut from the same cloth as your dad and your ex. The cloth where men have the right to be dicks and good women suck it up, women who don't pander and appease are not nice, they are bad women. They can fuck off.

7yo7yo · 08/10/2020 21:27

Cut them out and be careful what you say to your parents as they will pass in the information you give them.
If they say anything about getting together make it very clear that they’ve chosen your abusive ex over you and you don’t want to know them.

awesmum · 08/10/2020 21:37

He can keep the one who's 'who's like a brother' to him. Go NC.
You don't need that, you kids don't need it.
Your brother and SIL made their choice. Leave them too it.
I am sorry though Thanks

Sunnydaysstillhere · 08/10/2020 22:17

They can't comprehend that their judgement of him was so wrong so they choose to ignore the fact he is a massive twat.
Keep them away op...

Original poster
Misshapencha0s · 08/10/2020 22:26

Thank you all.

OP posts:
HidingFromDD · 08/10/2020 22:30

You may well find, given your background, that your B and SIL marriage closely resembles your own. By leaving and naming the behaviour, you're shining a light onto their own circumstances and therefore they will do their best to ignore/minimise it.

I agree with you totally and would also not interact with them at this point, you don't need that atm

Original poster
Misshapencha0s · 08/10/2020 23:02

HidingfromDD this is a theory I considered myself when trying to understand this situation. It makes sense from brothers POV but can’t understand how that would serve SIL...she was the one that was most vocal about objecting to me leaving, saying what I’d done ‘was just not on’, that I’d ‘put him in and awful position’ and that I ‘treated him badly’ by leaving. The thing is they didn’t know any of the background about what had been going on and never once reached out to ask me about it.

OP posts:
Krampusasbabysitter · 08/10/2020 23:43

HidingfromDD this is a theory I considered myself when trying to understand this situation. It makes sense from brothers POV but can’t understand how that would serve SIL...she was the one that was most vocal about objecting to me leaving, saying what I’d done ‘was just not on’, that I’d ‘put him in and awful position’ and that I ‘treated him badly’ by leaving. The thing is they didn’t know any of the background about what had been going on and never once reached out to ask me about it.

It actually does make in a very toxic way. Your SIL wants you as miserable and abused as herself. You managing to leave, makes her feel more of a failure.

Krampusasbabysitter · 08/10/2020 23:44

*make sense

PostItJoyWeek · 08/10/2020 23:55

Other people see more than you think. I bet loads of people will have noticed behaviours and interactions you didn't notice you were doing. SIL could easily be avoiding asking because she already knows and does not want to admit to herself that she's in a bad relationship.

Original poster
Misshapencha0s · 09/10/2020 00:08

She does say to my mum that she finds my brother ‘difficult to live with’. You would think she would have a drop of compassion for others, but this is a person who said years ago she doesn’t think depression is a ‘real thing’. She has some strange and slightly unevolved ways of thinking.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/10/2020 00:14

You do not have to justify ending your relationship. Being unhappy was reason enough. I don’t doubt that you were abused, but my point is that you don’t need to explain the ins and outs of it to B/SIL to be allowed to end it. They have behaved very badly towards you. I wouldn’t see them.

Chloemol · 09/10/2020 00:19

I would go nc. You don’t know that what you say won’t make it back to your ex

They have shown you that they don’t have your back and don’t care for you

I would have nothing more to do with them

Elsewyre · 09/10/2020 02:29

Does your brother consider your childhoods abusive too?

I'm just wondering if he disagrees with you there he may assume the same now?