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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to see them?

87 replies

Misshapencha0s · 07/10/2020 20:34

I have name changed for this. Will try to be as concise as possible...

Last year I made the decision to seek help from women’s aid to leave an emotionally abusive relationship (Name calling, constant criticising and undermining, always calling me ‘woman’ or ‘stupid woman’, calling kids ‘wicked childish, ‘evil child’ etc The abuse had also started to become physical towards me and my children...so throwing things, tripping up, pushing down, threatening. Bully boy type stuff that was so relentless I couldn’t endure it any longer or accept it as it was starting to be directed at my children and that was the final straw.

My brother and SIL didn’t know anything about all of this until my parents informed them that we were leaving the family home. My brother and SIL were very distant with me after they were informed, only reaching out once to say ‘thinking of you’ . I thought it was strange that they were so distant and uncommunicative but put it down to some people feeling awkward about these things... I found out a few months later that they were texting, FaceTiming, phoning and meeting with my ex the whole time. I would be able to understand them offering some support to him if they had offered some to me also, or at least told me they were doing this.

They had said to my parents I must have been blowing it all out of proportion and couldn’t understand why women’s aid would be helping me etc. They said I was selfish and cruel/cold for leaving my husband and could not understand why I would do that to him and the kids.

I was really hurt when this came to light.

My question is am I being unreasonable to feel hurt and betrayed? Also AIBU to not really have any desire to see them. The only thing I am sad about in this now is not being able to see my little niece, and for my children to not see their cousin. Should I be over it already?

I Suggested a while back we could have a chat to clear the air but they said they just want to move forward and not discuss any of it at all. That just left me cold.

Not really sure if this all makes sense.thanks in advance.

OP posts:
henrykissingher · 09/10/2020 02:57

YANBU. Well done for leaving

icelollycraving · 09/10/2020 03:10

Well done for leaving your husband.
I would never forgive them for this. I’d have absolutely no problem cutting them off entirely.

Original poster
Misshapencha0s · 09/10/2020 09:58

When my parents asked them about why they had behaved in such a sneaky way they said they were just worried that my eyes was alone, vulnerable and may harm himself. They said they felt responsible for supporting him emotionally as his family live quite far away.

I would understand this and appreciate it to an extent if they had shown any interest in talking to me or in the welfare of my children, but I got nothing. They said because I had my parents support, they should be supportive of ex, and didn’t like that he was being ‘cut off and treated like a monster.’ Nobody treated him like anything, we just removed ourselves from a very corrosive environment.

Anyway I know I am rambling, just want to give a full picture.

My gut tells me NC is right, but I don’t take these things lightly, I want to be sure I’m not being too extreme. I feel a bit guilty for potentially depriving my children of a relationship with aunt/uncle/cousin.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 09/10/2020 10:07

I feel a bit guilty for potentially depriving my children of a relationship with aunt/uncle/cousin.

Absolutely 100% no.

My overriding concern here would be the opposite - that by staying in touch with this frankly nasty pair you'd be opening your children up to future comments whispered in their ears -'Of course your mother treated your poor father dreadfully. All that talk of abuse... we never saw any of it... she's always been rather silly and over the top...'

They seem to have a real problem with you taking control. They sound misogynist, as well as having a rather nasty axe to grind - I agree that SIL is very likely to be bitter that you've done what she hasn't, and got away from the unpleasant controlling relationship. And your brother is simply having the knee-jerk reaction that most unpleasant, controlling, misogynist men have - who the fuck does that bitch think she is?

Cut contact. Polite and cold. 'No thanks, they clearly don't think much of me... and the feeling is now mutual.'

Keep your children a million miles from someone who is going to badmouth their mum and gaslight them into being convinced that theie dad's abuse was ok.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 09/10/2020 10:09

Imo you would be a shit dm if you allowed such people around your dc....

Original poster
Misshapencha0s · 09/10/2020 10:33

I agree.

Yes SIL is sickeningly nice, regular church-goers but obviously not what she appears to be. She is very judgemental. In the past when I was SAHM if we went out for lunch and paid the bill (they were having a tough time financially)she would make a point of only thanking my husband.
Brother made many disparaging comments over the years eg ‘we would never live where you live, far too over populated’, comments about my appearance eg ‘greasy hair, manly shoes.’ When I had my dd he text and said ‘congrats. She’s a bit small though isn’t she?’ Had to cancel meeting them the day before c section and he text saying ‘fine. You’d think you were the first person to ever have a baby’. Used to steal my money when I was younger, punched me in the arm once because I had such bad toothache and told me to shut up I was a drama queen.

Sorry for the verbal diarrhoea, I think I had always reasoned these individual things away and always let them go, always making excuses such as he’s having a hard time with x,y,z. It wasn’t until this recent thing came to light that all these things from the past flooded into my mind and I realised he had a really nasty, bitter streak in him. No idea what axe SIL has to grind but after reading these comments I am leaning towards it being maintaining the status quo and some sort of anger at me having the audacity to leave my ex.

OP posts:
LilyLongJohn · 09/10/2020 10:52

I'd not see them, infact I'd go as so far as no contact. If they are that caught up with your ex, regardless of why, they will use any relationship you have with them to report back to your ex. It's just not worth it. They've set their stall out, it's now in your control as to how you deal with them. Don't worry them potentially undo all your hard work.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/10/2020 07:47

He sounds dreadful.

wingardium8 · 10/10/2020 07:56

Tell them to fuck off

ScrapThatThen · 10/10/2020 08:03

Stand firm - I am willing to meet for you to hear and understand that ex's behaviour was not ok, and I would wish nothing dearer than to see dn. However, respectfully, I will not be disbelieved, demeaned or treated badly by anyone any more and if you

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 10/10/2020 08:23

You are totally right to not want to see them. I understand your brother might look upon your partner as a brother but I would expect my brother to want to know what the heck was going on if I'd needed the help of Women's Aid to leave. Even if your ex could do with support and friendship, I would expect my brother to listen to both sides. To take sides with your abusive ex is nasty of him. No wonder you feel hurt and betrayed

I wouldn't bother to meet up and just move forward. Me? I'd probably write to my brother telling him I am so disappointed in him for supporting someone who has been emotionally and physically abusive to me and my children and that I don't need people who support that behaviour in my life. You? Just break contact if that is what you feel. You and your children don't need that type of person around them.

Hoppinggreen · 10/10/2020 08:27

Your brother obviously recognises a kindred spirit and your SIL is bitter that you have managed to do what she isn’t brave enough to
Ignore the pair of them

Original poster
Misshapencha0s · 10/10/2020 09:32

I suggested a couple of months back that we could meet, chat and try to clear the air in order to move forward. The only way I can move forward is by acknowledging what has happened and to hear their thoughts in order to understand it. The response I got was:
Hi. I’m just not sure what good going over it all will be. It feels like a backwards step. Rather than dwelling on the past, we need to move on & enjoy the present & look to the future. It was never our intention to hurt anyone in all of this & I’m truly sorry u have felt hurt by it, but I feel we need to put it behind us & move on xx

I just felt dismissed. I can't force them to discuss it and it kind of told me what I needed to know.

Thank you for these responses, it has made me feel much more confident that my position is reasonable.

I won't write a letter to brother. To say he is emotionally stunted would be an understatement. He doesn't do talking/emotions or anything other than surface stuff.

SIL was the main driver in terms of contact with ex and is the one pushing for us to meet and just pretend nothing happened. I have only heard from my brother once in 9 months, a text to say Happy birthday.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 10/10/2020 09:40

I was think “go no contact” is thrown around quite flippantly on here but my god! In your case that is exactly what you should do!

LilyLongJohn · 12/10/2020 06:48

I'm truly sorry you have felt hurt by this

This stood out to me, no acknowledgement that 'they' hurt you, or that their actions cause you hurt, just that 'you' chose to be hurt. They just want to brush this under the carpet, I wouldn't want any relationship with these people.

Wibblypiggly · 12/10/2020 07:14

They are repulsive. Stay well, well away. Your kids are missing out on nothing by not seeing them.

TidyDancer · 12/10/2020 07:17

Without an apology and a full acceptance that they were in the wrong and now understand that, I wouldn't ever want any contact with them again. YANBU.

Mittens030869 · 12/10/2020 07:46

I did wonder when reading the thread that your brother and SIL might be taking the position they are because of religious objections to divorce. So I wasn't surprised when you said that they were churchgoers.

When my DSis and her abusive ex split up, she was forced to leave the church they had been attending because church members supported her ex rather than her, because his family were key members of the church and they were keen to 'restore him'. I'm afraid that a lot of churches are very misogynistic in their understanding of relationships.

Thankfully, though, our family all supported my DSis, including my DH's family, despite them being very devout Christians. My MIL even came to her wedding when she married her really lovely second DH.

I'm sorry your brother has sided with your ex, OP. It must really hurt. I don't see how you can have a relationship with him and your SIL if they continue to support your abusive ex. That's a massive betrayal. ThanksThanks

Nanny0gg · 12/10/2020 07:50

@Misshapencha0s

HidingfromDD this is a theory I considered myself when trying to understand this situation. It makes sense from brothers POV but can’t understand how that would serve SIL...she was the one that was most vocal about objecting to me leaving, saying what I’d done ‘was just not on’, that I’d ‘put him in and awful position’ and that I ‘treated him badly’ by leaving. The thing is they didn’t know any of the background about what had been going on and never once reached out to ask me about it.
Is your brother the same?
LockdownMayhem · 12/10/2020 08:13

How old are you children? Are they old enough to remember some of the more obvious behaviour (eg pushing, name calling etc) as your brother is perhaps more likely to believe them?

But to be honest, I wouldn't want to pursue a relationship with them anyway, even if they changed their mind about how you were all treated, mostly because they never bothered to ask you about it all and made their minds up based on one person's view.

To say they want to move on basically means they still believe him and don't want to hear your side because it wouldn't make any difference to them anyway, but want to maintain a relationship with you. I couldn't do this I don't think.

Original poster
Misshapencha0s · 12/10/2020 15:15

Yes my children remember everything. I wouldn't want to have to convince brother and SIL or persuade them. I have not done anything to be considered dishonest or lacking in credibility. It was as if they just decided to side with ex and listen to him ad nauseum and not talk to me once. I went to visit them once after the split, before I knew what they were up to, and they gave me a complete wide berth, skulking about in the kitchen the whole time while I played with the kids. I remembered thinking it was a little odd but just put it down to them being a bit awkward about what to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
Misshapencha0s · 15/10/2020 09:05

Just one final thing...SIL has text 3 times in a week asking if we can meet, asking if we are having a good week and asking when the kids are off school.

I haven't responded and don't want to meet but also don't want to seem rude or as if I'm playing a game.

Equally I really don't want to be blunt about this as it will seem as if I want to rehash this or hold on to it.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 15/10/2020 09:27

Can you text back once to her 3
Can’t meet up too busy with ....
Or
Can’t meet up
Or
You might want to pretend the last x months didn’t happen. I can’t. I don’t want a huge row but I’m not going to be meeting up with you and DB. Please respect my wishes and stop contacting me.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 15/10/2020 10:39

Personally I would just block her number. You owe her naff all.
Not even a text..

OhCaptain · 15/10/2020 18:38

Honest to god I would NOT be losing sleep about being rude to such an absolute cow bag.