To not want to see them?

[Misshapencha0s]

I have name changed for this. Will try to be as concise as possible...

Last year I made the decision to seek help from women’s aid to leave an emotionally abusive relationship (Name calling, constant criticising and undermining, always calling me ‘woman’ or ‘stupid woman’, calling kids ‘wicked childish, ‘evil child’ etc The abuse had also started to become physical towards me and my children...so throwing things, tripping up, pushing down, threatening. Bully boy type stuff that was so relentless I couldn’t endure it any longer or accept it as it was starting to be directed at my children and that was the final straw.

My brother and SIL didn’t know anything about all of this until my parents informed them that we were leaving the family home. My brother and SIL were very distant with me after they were informed, only reaching out once to say ‘thinking of you’ . I thought it was strange that they were so distant and uncommunicative but put it down to some people feeling awkward about these things... I found out a few months later that they were texting, FaceTiming, phoning and meeting with my ex the whole time. I would be able to understand them offering some support to him if they had offered some to me also, or at least told me they were doing this.

They had said to my parents I must have been blowing it all out of proportion and couldn’t understand why women’s aid would be helping me etc. They said I was selfish and cruel/cold for leaving my husband and could not understand why I would do that to him and the kids.

I was really hurt when this came to light.

My question is am I being unreasonable to feel hurt and betrayed? Also AIBU to not really have any desire to see them. The only thing I am sad about in this now is not being able to see my little niece, and for my children to not see their cousin. Should I be over it already?

I Suggested a while back we could have a chat to clear the air but they said they just want to move forward and not discuss any of it at all. That just left me cold.

Not really sure if this all makes sense.thanks in advance.

Ok, now your SIL is being crazy, intrusive and delusional!!

Dont bother any contact. You are better off without them.

Holy shit, she tried to rehome your dog...she's a thundering bitch.

Who does that?

OP, honestly, you need to toughen up, you are too forgiving.

I don't even have a dog and know that is a completely vicious thing to do.

She is absolute poison.
As is your brother.

You don't want them near your precious children.

‘Both of you support hitting my children. You supported a man who has abused me and my children. You tried to rehome my dog. I hope bil is not shoving my beautiful niece around the way ex did my children, but the way you’ve reacted I wouldn’t be surprised. I can’t let my children spend time with people like you.’

And that’s it. They are horrible people and your life is better without them.

I am quite forgiving. I always try to give the benefit of the doubt, that's probably why I had them in my life up until that point.

It was so hard to get my head round the fact they would betray me like this, and not try to understand what I was going through. After 6 months of NC I reached out, my mum was so happy, she said SIL had cried tears of joy when I text her. It's all so bizarre why they behaved the way they did. I think I just wanted to do it for my mum and for the sake of harmony. Also really love my niece.

Anyway I know I'm going round in circles. I need to accept it and move on.

Your brother and SIL are utter scum, just like your ex (no wonder they were drawn to each other).
Cut them off, block their numbers, and move on without these vile people in your life.

Stay strong OP You are very smart and self aware. You do not need to be nice to people who:
are not nice to you
put you and your kids in danger
side with someone who is abusive
etc. etc. etc.

You are not “forgiving” you have been conditioned to be a bloody doormat. You need counselling and to work on developing self-esteem and adequate boundaries. These people are all monsters. None of their behaviour is normal, kind or remotely decent. I would call them evil, self-serving and frankly, weird.

If you grew up in a home with abuse perhaps your Brother thinks you're over reacting because he was brought up to think this is normal.

You don't have to explain yourself to make them switch sides. It's your brother, he should automatically stick up for you. I'm proud if you for leaving as it's a very hard thing to do. I wouldn't give them another thought. In years to come, I'm sure his mask will slip for everyone to see.

@timeisnotaline
👍
By text or directly, this is the issue in a nutshell.

Your brother and his wife are scum.

People like that add nothing to your life OP.

Also please be very wary of whomever told you what they were saying about you.

I agree with PP.

This isn’t you being “forgiving”. Glad you’ve blocked them. Don’t be tempted to cave again. If your mum is upset then that’s sad but they caused it not you.

@Misshapencha0s

I am quite forgiving. I always try to give the benefit of the doubt, that's probably why I had them in my life up until that point.

It was so hard to get my head round the fact they would betray me like this, and not try to understand what I was going through. After 6 months of NC I reached out, my mum was so happy, she said SIL had cried tears of joy when I text her. It's all so bizarre why they behaved the way they did. I think I just wanted to do it for my mum and for the sake of harmony. Also really love my niece.

Anyway I know I'm going round in circles. I need to accept it and move on.

It's easy to mix up forgiveness and making excuses for people. You can forgive them (by letting go of any harsh feelings you have towards them) without giving them the opportunity to hurt you again.

Forgiveness is an act of strength. It does not require you to put yourself at risk of harm again.