To not want to see them?

[Misshapencha0s]

I have name changed for this. Will try to be as concise as possible...

Last year I made the decision to seek help from women’s aid to leave an emotionally abusive relationship (Name calling, constant criticising and undermining, always calling me ‘woman’ or ‘stupid woman’, calling kids ‘wicked childish, ‘evil child’ etc The abuse had also started to become physical towards me and my children...so throwing things, tripping up, pushing down, threatening. Bully boy type stuff that was so relentless I couldn’t endure it any longer or accept it as it was starting to be directed at my children and that was the final straw.

My brother and SIL didn’t know anything about all of this until my parents informed them that we were leaving the family home. My brother and SIL were very distant with me after they were informed, only reaching out once to say ‘thinking of you’ . I thought it was strange that they were so distant and uncommunicative but put it down to some people feeling awkward about these things... I found out a few months later that they were texting, FaceTiming, phoning and meeting with my ex the whole time. I would be able to understand them offering some support to him if they had offered some to me also, or at least told me they were doing this.

They had said to my parents I must have been blowing it all out of proportion and couldn’t understand why women’s aid would be helping me etc. They said I was selfish and cruel/cold for leaving my husband and could not understand why I would do that to him and the kids.

I was really hurt when this came to light.

My question is am I being unreasonable to feel hurt and betrayed? Also AIBU to not really have any desire to see them. The only thing I am sad about in this now is not being able to see my little niece, and for my children to not see their cousin. Should I be over it already?

I Suggested a while back we could have a chat to clear the air but they said they just want to move forward and not discuss any of it at all. That just left me cold.

Not really sure if this all makes sense.thanks in advance.

Out of interest WHO told you about what your brother had said?

What why?

Back away from ALL of them.

Nobody should have told you about what your awful brother said. That would obviously hurt and upset you.

Go NC with you’re treacherous brother, avoid SIL and keep your parents at a very long arms length

Don’t forget an abuse victim is usually created by a disfunctional upbringing

I think there was something unhealthy going on in your childhood

You need to find space and peace to mend yourself and work on seeing yourself as the wonderful and kind person you are.

Any half decent man worth the title of brother would want to kill anyone who hurt their sister

Not, we love you, got your back and all that bullshit!

@MzHz I really do agree with you. When I discovered that my DSis's marriage had been abusive after they had split up, the last thing I wanted was to have any kind of friendship with her ex. I didn't have anything to do with him after that and really wouldn't have wanted to.

I can't understand why anyone who genuinely cared about their sibling would want to have anything to do with their violent partner.

Please don't respond to her. She may just want to gloat at how often they have met up with your ex. She may have a thing for him or a thing against you. Head high, walk away...all the best to you x

Either carry on ignoring-my preferred method or send a pp’s response
You might want to pretend the last x months didn’t happen. I can’t. I don’t want a huge row but I’m not going to be meeting up with you and DB. Please respect my wishes and stop contacting me.

If you send the message, add in ‘because you don’t believe that me and the dc were abused. Perhaps you should have got their version too.’

You sound like a very kind person to even consider their feelings given how awful they have been. You did so well to have left a toxic environment for you and your DC, please try not to let misplaced loyalty to so-called family drag you down. These people will never, ever bring anything but hurt to your door as they will never listen or acknowledge what you know in your heart to be true - that you are worth far more than the abuse and disrespect you were shown by your ex.

At best (and I’m just being kind here) your SIL just wants a superficial relationship where everything is just kept light and fluffy, but at worst, your DC will think being fake is normal and correct. Be under no illusion, this is just to keep up appearances as heaven forbid anyone should think they are bad people! They are the worst kind of people - disloyal, ignorant and cruel. Just think, if you weren’t blood, would you even want anything to do with them? If this was a friend rather than family, would you think twice about cutting them loose?

I would even go one step further than just NC in your case and make fully sure if there is any kind of inheritance due to you (you don’t mention any other siblings so not sure if he is your only one?) make sure that your parents / family have it absolutely sewn up with no cause for ambiguity as both B and SIL will not think twice about screwing you and your DC over given what you have said about them.

When people show you who they are, listen.

You deserve so much more than people like them. I think to avoid any further contact from SIL which will only upset you, you need only reply once so there is no confusion going forward “I think you’ve made yourselves perfectly clear on how you view the break up given your continued association with ex. I can no longer trust either of you, so don’t see any point in pursuing any kind of relationship now or in the future.” Be clear and take no shit, and tell your parents or family members (whoever they are in contact with) that it’s got nothing to do with anyone else and you aren’t asking anyone to take sides between you and your B & SIL so no one else feels awkward. None of this is your doing so you have nothing to feel guilty over. Be brave and enjoy your life with people who do deserve your time as you sound a lovely person who deserves a great life after all you have gone through.

YANBU OP

If it makes you feel any better, my "D"M sided with my XH after he kicked the living shit out of me in front of my DC after a row about housework.

Some people are just cunts

My life is so much better being NC with the bitch.

Maybe the main reason for siding with your ex was so that they didn't have to support you and your children at a most vulnerable time? They've framed it as doing the 'right' thing ..... but it's much easier to align with an abuser than actually help the ones in crisis - IF they are fundamentally lacking in empathy.

Sickening that it's been dressed up as a charitable act, and now the crisis is somewhat in the past SIL is angling for business as usual.

@MzHz
Agree.

OP, you really owe them nothing at all.

I would go as far to say it isn't in your best interests or that of your children to be involved with them.

Block your SIL if that is easier.

She is really nothing to you.

Hi. I’m just not sure what good going over it all will be. It feels like a backwards step. Rather than dwelling on the past, we need to move on & enjoy the present & look to the future. It was never our intention to hurt anyone in all of this & I’m truly sorry u have felt hurt by it, but I feel we need to put it behind us & move on xx

I would have been raging to receive. No acknowledgement of what they did, they just want to brush it all under the carpet now they've realised your ex isn't going to be the good contact/friend they ditched you for. I would have to cut them out and go NC. People like this don't change, my sister like this, we went NC 2 years ago and it's so much better for my mental health not to engage with her at all.

Just one final thing...SIL has text 3 times in a week asking if we can meet, asking if we are having a good week and asking when the kids are off school.

I haven't responded and don't want to meet but also don't want to seem rude or as if I'm playing a game.

Equally I really don't want to be blunt about this as it will seem as if I want to rehash this or hold on to it.

What would you do?

Oh OP you're too nice and I do worry that you'll cave and let these people in again.

I would either block and delete her or text back saying 'You supported a man who was abusive to me and my children. When I tried to meet you to understand why you did this you refused to discuss it. You avoided me whilst you treated my abuser like a friend. Please do not contact me again as me and my children need to move on.'

@Elieza l agree with all of this, lm think it’s one of these scenarios

Your siblings are out of order. I can’t believe they are siding with him?! I would be tempted to go NC with them

I think I would block both brother and Sils numbers. I think that would be the best option in your situation. Don't meet up with them they are not bringing anything positive into your life.

I would just text back

sorry, your actions in supporting my ex as opposed to me as family make me wonder why you would want any contact with me. As I can’t trust you not to report back to him I think it’s best we don’t meet. I wish you the best for the future but please don’t contact me again.

I would ask her “Why? What do you want?”

^^ what was said above but omit the sorry
You have nothing to be sorry about

Im sorry you've had to go through this.

Your DB sounds like mine (different situation but same attitude). I cant say they are the same but they do show similar behaviour. OP, its easy to side with the least risky path so you gain points for being gutless tbh! Sometimes when I think why my DB never stood up for me I look out back to our childhood and see patterns. Its just a selfish way of surviving. Its baffling to me that my DH stands right by me compared to my family who is just too indifferent or selfish.

As for your SIL if you are genuinely wondering why shes the way she is with you go meetup with yer but just be vague and not ket her dominate you. Otherwise ignore her.

Dont worry about the cousins. They'll connect when they are old enough x

My friend was raped by her ex whilst she was on a online call to her male best friend( like zoom) ex didn't know she was on call. Found out 3 weeks later that her bf and ex were chatting and bf actually said that maybe she should forgive him -_-

Some people are just lunatics and assholes. She ditched the both of them in the space of a month.

Thank you all for the kind and supportive messages.

I have blocked them both. They will find a way of making it about me being harsh and them being the victims. She is alwaysbutter wouldn't melt.

I also found at out a while ago she was trying to rehome my dog on Facebook during this time. My dog was safe and happy with me but my ex said he was worried I wouldn't be managing with kids and dog. She swooped in and put up a long post on FB and on her local church website about 'a couple I know from x area are going through a challenging time in their marriage and need to have their dog re-homed (may be permanent but for now it is temporary). I only found out about this through my aunt's friend who saw it on her feed (I am not on fb). I couldn't understand why she wouldn't check with me. I felt so embarrassed and hurt and livid that she would think she could take my dog from me.

All of this reminds me why I am best off without them and their fake ways. It is so true that you find out who your true friends/family are when you are going through a hard time. I just assumed my brother and SIL would be kind and concerned for my children. People can be so perverse.

I had a brother and sister in law like this, OP. Really hurt me during a difficult time in my life and sided with a person who was hurting me. I went NC. It's been 7 years and last I heard they had divorced and he was an alcoholic. You deserve better as do your kids.

[quote Mittens030869]@MzHz I really do agree with you. When I discovered that my DSis's marriage had been abusive after they had split up, the last thing I wanted was to have any kind of friendship with her ex. I didn't have anything to do with him after that and really wouldn't have wanted to.

I can't understand why anyone who genuinely cared about their sibling would want to have anything to do with their violent partner.[/quote]
You’re a great sister

My family all turned their backs, pullled as many rugs from under me, and left me to it.

Now my sister is splitting up with her h, they’re all over her like a rash

I’m about it all, but it’s shit to watch others make other people suffer.
I know they enjoyed watching me struggle but that’s on them, they don’t mean anything to me any more really.

The sad thing i was the one who reached out initially and said 'life is too short, maybe we can chat about it and then try to move forward.' I thought I was being reasonable. It was after her flippant response that I thought I just don't want to do this.

@Misshapencha0s I’m horrified at your SIL wanting to rehome your dog!!

Wtaf!

She tried to rehome your dog without speaking with you?! That’s awful.

I think you’re right to go NC. The only thing is that they may try and go through your parents so making sure they’re aware of the situation and don’t feel that they have to act as a go between would be good.

I think you've got this. You're handling it really well, despite how badly you have been treated. By blocking them you've avoided any chance that you will be drawn into an argument with them and they won't be able to try to cause trouble (or worse a reconciliation) between you and your ex.