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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to have Christmas at our house?

95 replies

DotTheCaddy · 07/10/2020 12:15

Backstory is that DH and I both have divorced/remarried parents so Christmas for us equals driving between houses and is never very relaxing. This year it's our year to have Christmas day at MILs and squeeze a visit to all the other parents in around that.

We are (touch wood!) moving to a bigger house in the next few weeks and I suggested to DH that MIL comes to us Christmas Day instead. She could stay as long as she wanted. I'm getting really excited about hosting in the new house, having never done it before but MIL has said flat out no because she likes hosting and it's always been that way.

I really don't want to cause a fall out because I love my MIL but I dont see why she is being so difficult about this. DH wants her to come to us too but is quite laid back and thinks we should give in as it means a lot to her. But the thing is, it means a lot to me too I just cant articulate why!

WIBU to insist we have it ours or should I just give in to keep the peace?

OP posts:

Lazypuppy · 07/10/2020 12:18

We are finally having christmas in our new big house, however my mum is coming and doing all the cooking as normal. Best of both worlds.

With kids it is better to be in own home so they can play with all their toys

BashfulClam · 07/10/2020 12:19

Just have Christmas at home. She’s welcome but if she doesn’t want to come then fine.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2020 12:22

Huh? Why do her wishes matter more than yours? You might love her but she’s being very selfish. She’s had years of hosting and you’re not stopping her doing so again but you’re not obliged to be there.

Have Christmas at home. It’s brilliant. You’ve kindly offered to invite her. If she doesn’t want to come you’ll catch up with her another day. Don’t budge. Never pander to tantrums.

RandomMess · 07/10/2020 12:22

New house new traditions!!

At what point do you stop doing what everyone else wants??

Do you have children yet?

Justmuddlingalong · 07/10/2020 12:24

"Oh what a pity, never mind."
The 1st year of making your own plans at Christmas is always the scariest, but once it's done, it's easier. Make your own plans, dig your heels in about staying home and if she digs hers in just repeat the above phrase.

WorksTheDinerAllDay · 07/10/2020 12:24

I've started putting my foot down in recent years and having Christmas at home. I've got two kids and I want to make our own traditions. Like you my parents are divorced and remarried which makes it more complicated. It's so much easier to just stay home.

Problem is that if you get into a pattern people start to expect it every year. So you need to start being firm and stop committing to plans each year solely based on what was done last year. People will throw their toys out of pram but they'll get used to it eventually.

CalmdownJanet · 07/10/2020 12:24

Yanbu and now is the year to put your foot down, so when she flat out says no then flat out match her with a no. She doesn't feel guilty saying no so why would you "No worries, I understand, I am looking forward to having Christmas in our house too so we'll arrange another day to meet"

OliviaPopeRules · 07/10/2020 12:27

I would never get into that 1 year on/off at relatives as it's BS, unless you want to! Stay at home with DH and have a relaxing day. Say sorry MIL we are having Christmas at home going forward you are welcome to come.

WaffleCash · 07/10/2020 12:27

Surely covid is going to provide the perfect excuse to break from the usual arrangements?

Original poster

DotTheCaddy · 07/10/2020 12:28

The thing is I do want to spend Christmas Day with her, not just because it's her turn but because if she doesn't come then nor will SIL (single) and I like being with family at christmas! We could always invite one of the other sets of parents but that feels wrong somehow.

We dont have children yet so cant use that excuse.

OP posts:

Anydreamwilldo12 · 07/10/2020 12:32

So it's okay for MIL to be difficult about it but not you? I think with so many different family situations then this year would be a good time to set a precident and stay in your own home Christmas day in future.
If anyone wants to see you all Christmas day then they can visit. Its a bloody nightmare traipsing from one house to the next on Christmas day, even more so if you have children.
Start off as you mean to go on in your new home.

starfishmummy · 07/10/2020 12:35

YANBU
Some years into our marriage I realised that what we did at xmas revolved around what the in laws and/or my parents were doing...which revolved around what "more favoured" family members were doing.

Life got much easier when we decided it's xmas in our own home by ourselves!!

FilthyforFirth · 07/10/2020 12:37

I hate people who try to 'own' Christmas. She doesnt have a monopoly on hosting. You have an exciting new house and understandably want to host. So host! If she continues to be petulant invite others.

I'm sure your family will understand.

Sleepingdogs12 · 07/10/2020 12:41

I don't know what the answer is to this if you genuinely don't want to upset her and want to be with her and SIL. Can you ask her to help you prepare and cook at your home, bring the bits with her that she really likes to provide (her pudding for eg) What about saying you d like to go to hers for NYE instead if she comes to you for Christmas. I don't agree with the posters who every year say they want their little family at home ,won't ever travel and people can come to them if they want to see them. It seems mean and inflexible to me.

valtandsinegar · 07/10/2020 12:42

she likes hosting and it's always been that way

Has she been hosting Christmas since she popped out of her mother? Things change, try again but tell her instead of asking.

2me2u2u2me · 07/10/2020 12:49

I think it's quite rude of MIL to have said "flat out not" especially as she probably knows you've just got your first house that you can host in and you're excited about that.

Why does your DH think YOU should give in, why shouldn't his mother give in, she's had it her way every other year, now it's your turn, that's how I would see it and wouldn't be persuaded any other way.

I'd definitely be hosting in my own house if it were me.

Ponoka7 · 07/10/2020 12:52

So next year will you go to your Mum's, or insist that she comes to you? Is SIL her daughter?

Sleepingdogs12 · 07/10/2020 12:53

I just realised it is your MIL saying that if you want to see her you'll have to travel to her so my comment above isn't relevant to what you do now. It is hard to advise without the logistics of journey times etc. 4 sets of parents is hard to please so maybe you should just stay at home. You need to sometimes so maybe make the change this year as things aren't normal anyway and visit next year.

incognitomum · 07/10/2020 12:53

Just say because of Covid you're staying home. You might not legally be allowed to mix?

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 07/10/2020 12:57

Enjoy Christmas with someone else cooking and hosting, you say you don't have children yet as though that is your plan for the future, once you have children it's nightmarish either lugging them around everywhere or hosting everyone and missing half of Christmas in the kitchen while everyone else plays with your children. Go with it now then when you have DCs you put your foot down and easily so ' oh we're making the same traditions as you, being the host once you have children, you've been so kind hosting all of these years now it's our turn to repay the favour and I know you wouldn't want the children rushed here there and everywhere at Christmas so I know you'll agree it's best that everyone comes to us'

Londongent · 07/10/2020 12:59

I voted YANBU but...presumably you did not go there last Christmas, and if you always rotate where you go then there would have been an assumption, understanding that you would be at MIL's this Christmas?
If so, and you want to see MIL and SIL, perhaps such it up this year, but state that you will host next year. Plus with the stress of moving, you may not actually want the stress of hosting Christmas reasonably soon after

Calligraphy572 · 07/10/2020 13:02

Have it at yours. Invite whoever you want (Covid restrictions allowing). It's your life, start living it as you mean to go on. If MIL won't come, and SIL won't come, so be it. You cannot host a party if the guests refuse to show up. You can cave to her demands, have Christmas just you and DH, or invite someone else if she declines your offer.

BlueThistles · 07/10/2020 13:05

I hate going other people's houses at Christmas.

I like it in my own home, my own food, fave tv music whatever, jammies and a glass of wine.

my kind of christmas day 🌺

JumperTime · 07/10/2020 13:06

Why on earth are people making plans for big family gatherings at the moment? We're not allowed anyone in our homes in Scotland at the moment and the way things are going in England I expect similar restrictions will be brought in soon. Things could of course change by December but personally I wouldn't plan anything right now.

CarrotInATree · 07/10/2020 13:09

I wonder how many of the ‘prioritise our own little family’ ‘stay at home, it’s what you want that matters’ people will turn into the mother in laws insisting people come to them because they always stay home at Christmas. Quite a few I reckon.

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