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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to have Christmas at our house?

95 replies

DotTheCaddy · 07/10/2020 12:15

Backstory is that DH and I both have divorced/remarried parents so Christmas for us equals driving between houses and is never very relaxing. This year it's our year to have Christmas day at MILs and squeeze a visit to all the other parents in around that.

We are (touch wood!) moving to a bigger house in the next few weeks and I suggested to DH that MIL comes to us Christmas Day instead. She could stay as long as she wanted. I'm getting really excited about hosting in the new house, having never done it before but MIL has said flat out no because she likes hosting and it's always been that way.

I really don't want to cause a fall out because I love my MIL but I dont see why she is being so difficult about this. DH wants her to come to us too but is quite laid back and thinks we should give in as it means a lot to her. But the thing is, it means a lot to me too I just cant articulate why!

WIBU to insist we have it ours or should I just give in to keep the peace?

OP posts:

GnomeDePlume · 07/10/2020 15:01

This is why I strongly recommended to my recently moved out & married DCs that they did their first Christmas as a brand new event. We would love to see them at some point but dont expect them to get into a rotation.

We had our turn as hosts it is now their turn to make their own traditions.

underneaththeash · 07/10/2020 15:03

I think it’s a bit mean letting her know now. she’s probably been looking forward to her ‘turn’ fir 3 years. Have Christmas at hers and then everyone else can come to you.

81Byerley · 07/10/2020 15:16

When I got married the first time, I wanted Christmas how my parents had done it. That meant always just us, because dad was in the Army and we were never near relatives. My husband was from a small village and had spent all his Christmases being dragged round to see relatives. He said it wasn't very nice having to leave new toys at home and having to be well behaved at Nanny and Grandad's house. They were always in a rush to be somewhere else at a pre- arranged time.
When we married and lived in the village, my Mother in law expected us to do the same. Luckily my first baby was born at the end of November, so we said we wanted to stay at home, and that we would visit them on Boxing day. That started the most lovely tradition, which my husband's younger siblings were pleased about when they too, married and had children. Boxing day at Mum and Dad's house became like a 2nd Christmas day. Mum provided cold turkey , ham, potatoes and salad, followed by trifle, everyone mucked in, presents were exchanged. The kids loved being with cousins, and they all got to build their own Christmas day traditions with happy kids and a relaxed atmosphere. I miss those days! I'd advise you to start your own traditions as soon as possible.

GunsAndShips · 07/10/2020 15:20

When I was a child, my Mum insisted that Christmas was about the children. She said all of this, own little traditions, little families, "dragging" dc out.

I will never, ever get over the feeling that my poor grandparents, who only had us, were alone on the day. As soon as I had my own home, Grandma came to me on the day. They're such treasured memories.

I know your situation is different op and tbh, all you can do is offer. Then the choice is there. I'm not saying people have to host toxic relatives or schlep 300 miles with a 3day old baby but I do wonder sometimes at the sentiment in normal, loving families that seeing wider family is "nightmarish", "awful", "dragging the dc away from toys". People happily tell expecting and new parents that they should be at home, seeing family will be awful. And if you say it, then it is true isn't it? The children see and hear the attitude that wider family are an extraneous burden interfering with the true meaning of Toy Day. Staying at home might be fine. It might be the best option. There is no obligation to see anybody. But I do wonder at the black and white MN mantra of insisting on staying at home.

OP, repeat your offer. Make sure SIL knows the offer. That's completely reasonable. Perhaps have a chat about having a second celebration on Boxing Day. We have two Christmases so as to see all the people we would like to visit. Good luck and I hope the house works out.

UnicornAndSparkles · 07/10/2020 15:29

"We'd love to see you on Xmas day MIL and have decided to invite the family to ours for a change this year. Really hope you'll join us."

Faultymain5 · 07/10/2020 15:36

@GunsAndShips That is such a positive way to look at it.

I've planned my Christmas since January, but there's backstory.

Love the name, from my favourite musical right now.

HazelBite · 07/10/2020 15:48

Gosh, I host Christmas every flaming year for upwards of 12 people. I have 3 DIL's and I would love to go elsewhere. if someone else would offer!
I'd love not to have the work and pressure, and just enjoy Christmas without feeling dog tired.
(the OP's MIL must be mad!)

Lazybones12 · 07/10/2020 15:48

Similarly, we do it at home, we used to invite IL's but they never wanted to move out. We eventually stopped asking.

stayathomer · 07/10/2020 15:51

I feel for you OP, Christmas is always a tough one, everyone has their expectations and tick boxes of what they want to do and want to have it at their own houses! No advice for you but hope you have a good time anyway and that by Christmas we can do something about seeing family

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2020 16:00

@HazelBite

Gosh, I host Christmas every flaming year for upwards of 12 people. I have 3 DIL's and I would love to go elsewhere. if someone else would offer! I'd love not to have the work and pressure, and just enjoy Christmas without feeling dog tired. (the OP's MIL must be mad!)

“Right you lot, I’m tired of hosting, whose turn is it this year as one of you needs to take over. I’ll bring a bottle of wine”.

And don’t blame the DILs. Having a vagina doesn’t make you more responsible for festive hosting.

unlikelytobe · 07/10/2020 16:08

How long have you being doing this Xmas rota as a couple? If it's already even stevens for both families it's a good time to change established habits. Part of your ammunition is "we've been to MIL for 3 years and we've been to my DM for 3 years so it's all fair.....now time to do it another way." First and foremost the longer you allow these things to become set in stone the harder they are to change.

Grapewrath · 07/10/2020 16:25

Yanbu have your own Christmas your way.
My Mum always insists that she stays at home in Christmas Day which suits her buy means everyone has to flock to her. Her house is small and there isn’t room for everyone, meaning that once my siblings go it would bd very uncomfortable for us and we don’t get invited.
It means we haven’t seen my side if the family for Christmas In years but their loss. If people are insistent they stick to their own plans then they lose out imo

BlueThistles · 07/10/2020 16:26

I wonder how many of the ‘prioritise our own little family’ ‘stay at home, it’s what you want that matters’ people will turn into the mother in laws insisting people come to them because they always stay home at Christmas. Quite a few I reckon.

Nope... and did you mean to sound so very sneering ? 🌺

Original poster

DotTheCaddy · 07/10/2020 16:32

Thanks for all the replies

I'm not sure how many years we have been doing the rotation for exactly (before we moved in together we would just split up for Christmas day - easier!) but we've been to MILs twice and I think 2 christmas eves too. And obviously all the years before we were together DH spent there.

I totally would just try the whole 'Ah well, that's a shame, we will see you another day' thing but she is so set in her ways I'm worried this wouldn't change her mind and at all and we will end up spending Christmas on our own just the two of us which isnt what I want! Tis so very annoying.

OP posts:

Original poster

DotTheCaddy · 07/10/2020 16:34

I'm certainly not trying to 'prioritise my own little family' - I want to see everyone! I just feel really excited about doing it in our lovely new house, making a big effort with the food etc - and not having to have the usual debate over who has to stay sober to drive us home or to the next location!

OP posts:

BlueThistles · 07/10/2020 17:58

Nothing wrong with your wish OP 🌺

FarTooMuchWashing · 07/10/2020 18:07

We travelled til the kids arrived and once we had kids we said that we would have Christmas at ours and that everyone was welcome.

The result is that now we have DH parents and DB (single) every year and my parents every 3rd year (they rotate through my siblings who do the same since their kids arrived).

We also get the odd aunt or uncle or friend of ours depending on what they fancy.
I guess it depends if kids might be on you radar or if you can wait that long to do Christmas in your own place and only you know that.

Sheknowsaboutme · 07/10/2020 18:10

Stay home! Im one who’s had someone else’s Christmas forced upon us for yrs, especially when the kids were small.

Now we’re having our Christmas. And no ones else us coming.

Limeandlemon · 07/10/2020 18:17

Dh parents are divorced and remarried too. We get up open presents and he gets ready and fucks off visiting them all while I’m left to clear up, etc. I could go but I want some time in the house at Xmas and don’t want to come back to a shithole with stuff everywhere. It really really pisses me off but I don’t say anything cause it’s what he’s always done.
I totally get you want to host in your lovely new house. I hate these people that constantly have to host like they are the queen of it and nobody else is good enough type thing.
I’ve suggested to dh that we have Xmas in our own house but he doesn’t think it would be the same and wants to go over to mil or my parents every year...only because my mum and mil won’t budge and want to host because they like staying in their own house. I’m the same but I have to go to everyone else’s. It annoys me.

thecatsthecats · 08/10/2020 08:53

I'm a firm believer in Tis the Season. I celebrate Christmas from the first day of Advent to Twelfth Night - which is loads of time to have special occasions with all my family and friends.

I intend to make sure my kids have a lovely annual tradition with both sets of in laws that's just for them.

The day itself is for chilling at home with new stuff, the Christmas Day walk, having the roast and drinking from breakfast til bedtime.

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