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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to have Christmas at our house?

95 replies

DotTheCaddy · 07/10/2020 12:15

Backstory is that DH and I both have divorced/remarried parents so Christmas for us equals driving between houses and is never very relaxing. This year it's our year to have Christmas day at MILs and squeeze a visit to all the other parents in around that.

We are (touch wood!) moving to a bigger house in the next few weeks and I suggested to DH that MIL comes to us Christmas Day instead. She could stay as long as she wanted. I'm getting really excited about hosting in the new house, having never done it before but MIL has said flat out no because she likes hosting and it's always been that way.

I really don't want to cause a fall out because I love my MIL but I dont see why she is being so difficult about this. DH wants her to come to us too but is quite laid back and thinks we should give in as it means a lot to her. But the thing is, it means a lot to me too I just cant articulate why!

WIBU to insist we have it ours or should I just give in to keep the peace?

OP posts:

LadyofMisrule · 07/10/2020 13:39

We have children. They stay home at Xmas and open presents in their own house. When they get older and leave home they can start making decisions about whether they want us there/ want to host themselves/ want to come to us/ want to bugger off to a beach. And I won't be putting any pressure on them to do any of the above. Life changes. In the child-rearing/ early married years you get to decide. Once those years are over, you adapt to change. Your MIL has to start adapting to change.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2020 13:39

@Bibidy

I would go to MIL's this time since she's probably already been looking forward and planning in her head, but make it clear that next time you spend Christmas with her it will be your turn to host.

It’s October.

HaggieMaggie · 07/10/2020 13:39

You could do it this year because you haven’t got your house yet but make it absolutely clear that next year (hopefully when covid is a distant memory) you will be hosting and will not be going anywhere,

Freddiefox · 07/10/2020 13:39

@DotTheCaddy

SIL is MILs daughter but isn't with anyone so only has MIL to worry about. And no we didn't have Christmas Day with her last year but we would have seen her either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day (cant remember which!). I'm not going to refuse to ever travel and we still will to see the others. If it was my own mum shed probably be the same tbh but I could probably convince her as shes a lot less stubborn- but it's not my mums year its MILs!

Totally get that Covid might put a spanner in the works anyway though.

Do a little bit of manipulation. Tell her not to worry you will try it with your mum next year, you’re have a whole year to plan, hopefully it will all go swimmingly and that may become the new norm.

shieldedsally · 07/10/2020 13:40

"Why on earth are people making plans for big family gatherings at the moment? We're not allowed anyone in our homes in Scotland at the moment and the way things are going in England I expect similar restrictions will be brought in soon"

I think they will move heaven and earth not to have restrictions over Christmas - but I also wonder how many people will inadvertently end up infecting vulnerable family members with get-togethers.

We are renting a cottage to be close to family, so that we can socially distance. FIL is extremely vulnerable.

TitsOutForHarambe · 07/10/2020 13:42

Just tell her that you're having Christmas day in your new home and that you would love for her to join you. She can say no if she wants to, that's her choice. Don't waste energy feeling guilty.

lanthanum · 07/10/2020 13:45

If you do give in and go this year, start planting the idea that it might not carry on happening if/when you have children. That's a rather stronger reason for change than now having a bigger house.

I like Freddiefox's idea - that sets the idea rolling that you're going to expect to do thing differently in the future.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/10/2020 13:48

Christ, it's one day. With current restrictions, you may not be able to do it anyway.

Just have a nice day with your partner. You don't have to rush around between houses.

PanamaPattie · 07/10/2020 13:50

Don’t give in now or she will come up with reasons every year why she owns Christmas. Do your own thing and MIL can do the same - and yes it’s only October!

burglarbettybaby · 07/10/2020 13:52

I think you should enjoy your new home. So just keep the invite open.

Lobelia123 · 07/10/2020 13:55

This is a really difficult situation! Even though rationally you know that its reasonable to be able to have Christmas in your own home (or even not to have anyone over or go to anyone, if thats your call) somehow there is so much emotional weight attached to the season and its hard to take a stand. Have been there, and do you know....after the initial tears, sad social media posts about loneliness etc etc, it was forgotten by Easter and we all survived. Stand up for yourself every now and again :) Its good and healthy - for you and for others in the family too

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 07/10/2020 13:55

I agree that your feelings are as important as anyone else's.

I would say you and DH hold the line, you are going to have christmas in your own home and won't be driving around visiting people. MIL (and SIL) are welcome to join you if they want to. They don't get to order you to them. If christmas day doesn't suit them, they are welcome to come over a different day.

The important thing is to hold the line next year as well, and not do driving around for everyone else. They come to you. Or dont and you have a day of just the 2 of you.

burntpinky · 07/10/2020 13:55

My MIL is like this and expects us to be there for Xmas every year. She got upset last year as was my parents’ turn. I’ve said to DH we will go to her this year but that I want a year where it’s just us. He says we will get that when she’s dead but I can see her going another 20 years or so and obv our kids will be grown up by then so I am going to make sure we get odd years here and there on our own

Leimarel · 07/10/2020 13:56

I'm not making any plans for Christmas this year. I think we will still be restricted about who we can and cannot socialise with and it's pointless making lavish arrangements right now, when it might not be possible.

I would love to host Christmas but I suspect it will be a virtual one - and looking on the bright side, how cheap is that going to work out?
Presents will be lightweight items that won't cost an arm and a leg to post, food will just be for DH and me to indulge in, and my home made sloe gin and blackberry vodka will be mine, all mine

jessstan1 · 07/10/2020 14:04

@BashfulClam

Just have Christmas at home. She’s welcome but if she doesn’t want to come then fine.

That. You can go to her on another day, maybe Boxing Day.

Sadolmeee · 07/10/2020 14:05

YANBU

1forAll74 · 07/10/2020 14:08

If you get on well with your MIL, I would try and "win her over", about wanting to have Christmas in your new home, she should understand that this would be special for you.. If not, just do what You wan't to do.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 07/10/2020 14:15

Explain to your DH how important it is to you. Stress that you want to start making your own traditions and doing your own hosting . See how he takes it.

If he is still adamant that he would prefer to go to his mums, negotiate - agree to go this year and have a fantastic time on the understanding that next year you will be hosting. If that happens make sure you both signpost it very clearly to MIL, that you are really looking forward to Christmas at hers this year and will picking up lots of tips so you are ready to host for whoever will be coming to you in the future.

If he understands where you are coming from and is willing to disappoint his mum this year then the next step would be to say to his mum you quite understand that she wants to stay in her own home for Christmas Day so you won’t be seeing her then. When does she think would be a good alternative day to meet up?

I sympathise with your MIL. I’m in her position. I’ve hosted big family Christmases with my husband, children and various other family members for 30 years and I love doing it. However now D.C. are older and establishing their own homes with partners I am aware that the day will soon come when at least one of them will want to spend it elsewhere. It will be a very sad end of an era for me but I will try and be gracious and a lot less stubborn than your MIL.

Chottie · 07/10/2020 14:16

YANBU

(and I am a MiL)

Mumof2and · 07/10/2020 14:36

I think you are being unreasonable. How would you feel if you had arranged with everyone last year that this year you would host Christmas dinner and it was agreed. Then some months before Christmas your MIL tells you, I’m sorry Iv bought a new house and I want to have Christmas there instead of yours this year. I assume you would be upset and not want to attend the Christmas dinner at her house. I think because you already agreed you should go. Next year you can say I’m doing it in my house so everyone knows.

Very · 07/10/2020 14:37

I agree you should be able to host at your new home... But not having kids yet, you probably don't have enough ammunition to make a good case for your side. This may sound unfair, but if you had children I think you'd have much more moral weight to your wishes as far as mothers and MIL's are concerned. As PP's have said, maybe suck it up this year but make it clear that going forward you will be hosting in your turn, especially if/when you have children.

marriednotdead · 07/10/2020 14:41

I was always the host for family gatherings as I had the biggest family/youngest kids plus step kids at the time.
Splits happened when they were quite young so they all got used to seeing parents separately/Boxing Day being Christmas Pt2 etc.

When DD moved in with her now DH and later when DGS was tiny, they'd spend Christmas Day having breakfast at home with my ex, lunch with her inlaws and then finally come to mine for Christmas dinner!

She made it very clear when they bought their own place that from then on, Christmas Day would be spent at their home and anyone that wished to join them was welcome at whatever time suited.

Have joined them for breakfast which while the GCs are young, is the best part of the day imo

My point is, life changes and 'I've always done it this way' is never a reason to continue something.
Stick to your guns from now, deferral of a change until DCs come along may be several years away or not at all.

Some of our traditions have remained- each year DD(33) and DS(23) still like to open their stockings together

CamillasHardHat · 07/10/2020 14:42

The only reason we all cram together on Christmas day and no other days around Christmas is my sister works in a theatre so the only days there are no plays on are Christmas day and boxing day. They spend boxing day just as their little family, Christmas day is our family and then my sister's family go to her SIL's (biggest house) and they all spend it there.

When we were children Christmas eve was at one Grandparent's house, Christmas day, just us, Boxing day the other Grandparent.

Bonniegirlie · 07/10/2020 14:50

I had this exact problem with my Mum. Not only did she want Christmas at her house every year, she wanted to do it exactly how SHE wanted it every time, never mind the preferences of the rest of the family. I used the excuse of a new house too and her attitude was the same, we've always done it like this. Well no, actually she hasn't. Because at one point when she was younger then Christmas would have been at her parents house. I commented that I was 39 and I had never done what I wanted to do at Christmas. Her reply was that she would be dead in 10 years so we could do what we liked then. I told her things move on, she does things differently than she used to and I insisted and now we have Christmas here every year. She threw her teddy out of the cot but I just let her get on with it. Tell her she's more than welcome to come but that from now on Christmas will be at your house. Start off as you mean to go on. Best thing I ever did, everyone can please themselves what they do all day and it's much more relaxed. Wished I had done it sooner. All the best

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/10/2020 14:59

I’d just politely tell her that you’re doing it at your house this time, she’s welcome to join, but if she doesn’t want to, that’s up to her. And calmly ignore any sulking.

I know someone who went into a massive sulk because her adult dc with teen dcs wanted to stay at home on Chr. Day for once - they’d gone to the parent every single year.

Ridiculous behaviour, so petulant.

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