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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to have Christmas at our house?

95 replies

DotTheCaddy · 07/10/2020 12:15

Backstory is that DH and I both have divorced/remarried parents so Christmas for us equals driving between houses and is never very relaxing. This year it's our year to have Christmas day at MILs and squeeze a visit to all the other parents in around that.

We are (touch wood!) moving to a bigger house in the next few weeks and I suggested to DH that MIL comes to us Christmas Day instead. She could stay as long as she wanted. I'm getting really excited about hosting in the new house, having never done it before but MIL has said flat out no because she likes hosting and it's always been that way.

I really don't want to cause a fall out because I love my MIL but I dont see why she is being so difficult about this. DH wants her to come to us too but is quite laid back and thinks we should give in as it means a lot to her. But the thing is, it means a lot to me too I just cant articulate why!

WIBU to insist we have it ours or should I just give in to keep the peace?

OP posts:

Devlesko · 07/10/2020 13:10

Do we know if we can mix households yet?
I'd keep it simple, at home just your family.
Kids should be at home playing with their toys, it's for them not us.

SummerInSun · 07/10/2020 13:10

Why don't you go to her for Christmas Day and have her and some other family members for Christmas Eve or Boxing Day or New Year's Day? In my family we always had big gatherings on Christmas Eve, Christmas Fay and Boxing Day, with different bits of the family hosting and going to different things. We (my siblings and cousins) loved it as kids, and as people grew up and married, they could always come to at least one thing without all the focusing on a single day. Think of it as the Christmas Season, not just one day.

VanillaSpiceCandle · 07/10/2020 13:12

YANBU especially considering you’ve always travelled to her and split your time over Christmas. Seems very selfish that she won’t come to yours for one year. I think you’re perfectly reasonable to hold firm on her coming to yours but maybe offer going another day to her house instead? If she really won’t visit though I’d suggest having it alone and enjoying your house but visiting another day. I think you need to get your husband on side and emphasise how much effort you go to usually and how much you want to be in your new house for the day.

serialreturner · 07/10/2020 13:14

We're having Christmas at home this year because of Covid19 massive happy excuse

I'm secretly delighted we don't have to pack the car like we're never coming home, hassle of "santa"; cost (£700+ for travel alone) and the ability to make the dinner in my jammies.

Bliss!

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 07/10/2020 13:15

I agree. It will be a disaster covid wise if the whole country goes into its usual driving home for Christmas extravaganza. People from all over travelling, spreading, mingling and more mingling. It was not allowed for other religious festivals this year. Christmas can't be considered an exception to what's going on. There is talk of students isolating for 2 weeks so they can specifically go home and I would back that. No many other families are able to prepare the same. I think this year it should be very much stay at home. In your own home. Maybe with singletons joining support bubbles as it were but not the mass hooplaa it usually is.

Middle123 · 07/10/2020 13:17

Make the changes now before you have children!! Speaking from experience, you will start to resent it & not enjoy Christmas Day anymore.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 07/10/2020 13:18

Yanbu to say flat out you aren't leaving your home over Xmas...

MayFayre · 07/10/2020 13:22

I would go for one of two options:

Say because of Covid it’s not possible to make plans that far ahead and/or you’d rather stay at home

Say, ‘oh dear that’s a shame. You’d be very welcome to join us if you change your mind’

Chances are we won’t be allowed to mix households by Christmas anyway.

CaptainVanesHair · 07/10/2020 13:24

I think there comes a point when parents have to accept that Christmas is changing - we’ve recently moved and we’ll have a lovely home by December and there’s no way I’m not spending Christmas here. I want our daughter to have memories of Christmas at home, you know? My side couldn’t care what we do, they just want us to be happy. In laws is slightly different as they’ve had 30 years of tradition and generally have pretty fixed ways of doing things and DH is struggling to let go of those.

Which is all to say, yanbu. You tell her the offer is there but you’ll be having Christmas at home.

Original poster

DotTheCaddy · 07/10/2020 13:26

SIL is MILs daughter but isn't with anyone so only has MIL to worry about. And no we didn't have Christmas Day with her last year but we would have seen her either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day (cant remember which!). I'm not going to refuse to ever travel and we still will to see the others. If it was my own mum shed probably be the same tbh but I could probably convince her as shes a lot less stubborn- but it's not my mums year its MILs!

Totally get that Covid might put a spanner in the works anyway though.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 07/10/2020 13:26

It sounds like you need to figure out a new pattern. We have tended into a one year with dh's family, one year with my family, and then a year at home pattern. It's not this set in stone, but basically we have done all three on a rotating basis. This has been helped frankly that we are LC with MIL (and now actually not welcome in her house because her partner is a controlling wanker and won't allow it ). And we are NC with my family now too (due to similar issue with my mum's abusive partner). So it's a bit less complicated going forward - but we still tend to rotate a year or so seeing extended family, last year we spent it with aunt/uncle/cousins, and being at home for a quiet one. It's nice. And perfectly reasonable. As you grow up and get your own life, times change and it's not always easy to travel home. COVID is a good excuse to implement a new plan this year.

LittleChoCho · 07/10/2020 13:29

Can you get SIL onside to help persuade her to come? If not, then let them be and do it your way - there's nothing wrong with wanting to spend your first Christmas in your own new house.

Bibidy · 07/10/2020 13:31

I would go to MIL's this time since she's probably already been looking forward and planning in her head, but make it clear that next time you spend Christmas with her it will be your turn to host.

ChillerKillerCroissant · 07/10/2020 13:32

I don't think YABU at all OP, and COVID might seal the deal for you anyway this year - but if you are worried about how it will pan out, I'd say stick with the plans for this year but start talking now about how you will be having Christmas next year in your own home. Lay the plans down early!

LH1987 · 07/10/2020 13:33

YANBU, however, I just don’t think it’s worth the potential fall out. But then I am an absolute pushover!

Serendipity79 · 07/10/2020 13:33

Ive tried for years to persuade my mum to spend just one Xmas day with us, and have never succeeded. I've always given in and gone there. But she cooks for a number of single friends on Xmas day, she's always done it (which I do admire in some ways but not when her own grandkids don't get a seat at the table and have to eat off their knees on the sofa) and she is refusing again this year to come to us.

I've already said we wont be going if the rule of six is in place, as she has every intention of breaching it because she doesn't believe Covid-19 will ever impact her life and I don't think she believes me that me and the kids will be staying away but this year is the perfect year to break habits that you don't want to keep!

NataliaOsipova · 07/10/2020 13:33

Agree with others - the line is “That’s a shame- shall we sort out another time to meet up then? Feel free to change your mind at any point, though - we’d love to have you.”. And refuse to engage any further. My own mother is out of this mould. You’ll get a slightly huffy but “can we come” phone call about 3 days later if my experience is anything to go by....

Roselilly36 · 07/10/2020 13:33

It’s understandable to want to spend your first Christmas in your new home.

The way things are going many of people’s plans will be taken out of their hands sadly.

Friendsoftheearth · 07/10/2020 13:34

It is your christmas as well, why should you have to keep going there!

No, you stay at home in your new house! Your dh can grow a backbone and tell his mother the plan.

You have invited her, she is welcome and that is great, if she chooses to stay at home anyway that is her choice. She sounds controlling and annoying in equal measure.

Enjoy your new home op

Sunnydaysstillhere · 07/10/2020 13:35

Xmas is still 11 + weeks away. Plenty of time for mil to accept her way isn't the only way. Or sat round lunch she will be planning next year at her house again and you will feel obliged to nod in agreement so as not to spoil the day..

FlouncingBabooshka · 07/10/2020 13:37

It sounds like you’re close to your SIL. Could you talk to her about the situation? Your MIL might rethink if her DD can help her see she’s being unreasonable.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2020 13:38

but it's not my mums year its MILs!

They’re not the bosses of you. When does it get to be your year? Not having children doesn’t mean you get less of a say if that’s the impression people are trying to give you. Having Christmas in your new home is such a special way to warm it.

mrsm43s · 07/10/2020 13:38

I think this is all a moot point anyway as its likely that Christmas may well be different this year!

I don't think you have any right to force MIL to come to yours. All you can do is invite them - if they'd prefer to stay at home, then you have to respect that.

You also have the same choice. MIL has invited you to her place, you can accept or decline and stay at home.

Your SIL has been invited to both yours and MILs. If she'd prefer to go to MILs, then you must respect that.

If both households wish to spend Christmas in their own home, then you will have to accept that you spend it apart.

It's that simple really.

Friendsoftheearth · 07/10/2020 13:38

I would also implore you to change this now, before you have children. Once you have a newborn to contend with, and sleepless nights there is no way you are going to want to manage your MIL and christmas visits then. Use your new home as the perfect reason (not covid, because if the gov change the rules for christmas then your excuse will not hold)

Your new home - your first christmas together and hold firm. You only have to read the grief, stress and family breakdowns on here every christmas to know the true meaning of making a rod for your own back!! Don't make the same mistake...

burnoutbabe · 07/10/2020 13:38

Would sil also come or would she be left on her own if mil comes to you? That may be mil concern?

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