“That’s what mums do...”

[iamruth]

Following a discussion with someone this morning venting my frustrations a little about recent disagreements with my husband about how I am always the default parent (not acceptable to me or as an example to my children) this person said to me “that’s just what mums do” and suggested I should “toughen up a little bit and not get so jittery” when my husband and I disagree. Normally this person is someone who’s opinion I would respect but these phrases have really pissed me off. Surely it’s actually what PARENTS do and I think the toughen up statement was hard to swallow given some of the difficult childhood experiences I have endured (like many others I am well aware). I have no desire to toughen up and accept that the vast majority of parenting responsibilities should always fall to me to carry out or at least organise - AIBU?

You married him, so yes, suck it up or find someone who believes you are equal, not rocket science.
Are you another one who is surprised he hasn't changed and pulling his weight.

Next time reply to her; 'do you mean that's what martyrs do?'

Jesus bit unnecessary pp!

Clearly OP it is what SOME mums in SOME situations do. If it’s not acceptable to you you and your husband need to navigate your own path.

Obviously I’ve not expressed myself clearly, I wasn’t asking whether my husband is right - he is not (although he’s very good at paying lip service to these things) I’m asking whether AIBU to be annoyed that this person thought it was ok to say I am in the wrong and “it’s what mums do”

@AfterSchoolWorry - wish I had thought of that! I did tell her I believe it isn’t a good example for my children (daughters and son) to believe that mums do all of the homework, organising their lives and other life admin associated with having children. I want them to see that my job and live is as important as his (and actually theirs to a certain extent)

YANBU, OP. You don’t need to ‘suck it up’ ( )

Next time this person experiences sexism tell her ‘That’s just women do’ and ‘toughen up a little bit and not get so jittery’.

Well, it is what a lot of mums do, it's what a lot don't do too.
Some do it by choice, some do it under duress.
She is right, doesn't mean you have to be satisfied being like this, though.

This person sounds like a misogynist, and is also a little short on compassion. If they are normally a kind person then I'd give them the benefit of the doubt, but continual remarks like this would make me question our friendship.

I feel like I should add that I am well aware that some mums do that and I believe it should be entirely their choice. My point is it isn’t what MUMS do it’s what PARENTS do, however they choose to run their lives it is ultimately the responsibility of both parents whether that is in a M/F F/F or M/M relationship.

@Devlesko

Well, it is what a lot of mums do, it's what a lot don't do too. Some do it by choice, some do it under duress. She is right, doesn't mean you have to be satisfied being like this, though.

But have you misunderstood the point, which is that op SHOULD disagree with her husband when he treats her like the default parent?

@ComicePear I think that is what has upset me the most, the lack of compassion from someone who is usually kind and supportive. It almost took
Me by surprise so I wondered if I was BU.

Lockdown was a good example of "that's just what mums do". Do three jobs (childcare, home education and working from home), do the extra housework that comes from having children in the house, deal with the emotional fallout and phone calls from lonely relatives, take on caring responsibilities, don't sleep, run themselves into the ground, end up horrendously stressed...

But none of that matters of course, because "that's just what mums do".

@Iwantalonglie - depressingly you are so right, I feel like I have so many friends who are intelligent, forward thinking amazing women yet we are dragged back by this no matter how hard we fight against it - why should it even be an issue in this day and age?

Maybe they’re of the “if you can’t beat them, join them” school of misogyny.

It’s depressing seeing all the constant sexism

Depends on the circumstances of the conversation really OP, IMHO.
If you frequently "vent" to this person about this particular aspect of your relationship with your DH, then possibly they are getting a little tired of hearing about it.
Could the "toughen up" remark have been a suggestion to do something about it rather than just "venting"?
Would the person concerned, know about your difficult childhood experiences?

@Wingedharpy this person actually called me and specifically asked and we don’t discuss it that often so I think your suggestion they might be a bit fed up of it could have been relevant in different circumstances but I don’t think it is yes n this occasion no. This person is well aware of my circumstances and called me because she was concerned that I had been arguing with my husband about it so was and continue to so something about it. I was happy to discuss it to a point with her but she initiated the conversation, not me.

You say this person is usually supportive - could they just have something on their own mind so said something a bit crap? It probably is just what most mums do (not saying they Should). Did you ask her f she was ok? Wondering if because you were thinking of your own troubles you might not have picked up on hers.

Fair enough OP.

To be fair @crazychemist I didn’t know which is a failure on my part. She called me in the middle of my working day to ask if I was ok because she’d clearly heard about this from my husband. Perhaps I should have asked if she was ok, my mistake, maybe it was too focused on me.

Suggesting that you toughen up and not get jittery when you argue with you husband isn’t necessarily unreasonable. It might not be helpful (if you sound it easy to toughen up, you’d have already down that!). But telling you to toughen up in arguments isn’t the same as saying he’s right. Can be saying he’s wrong, but you’re not helping yourself with going to pieces during / after an arguments. (though it’s not clear what actually happened!)

It’s a bit hard to say, given that you haven’t given any detail.

Of course he should take an equal role - I’ve had 2 husbands, one that didn’t and one that does.

I find the whole situation a bit odd. Unless you’re freelance, I’d be pretty pissed off if someone on my team had A.N.Other calling to have a chit chat about a fight they’d heard about with a husband. It sounds pretty unprofessional not to have shut that down.

I’d also be shutting down the unsolicited interference tbh. Is this his mother, by any chance?

My husband and I have been through counselling and even the therapist commented that he depicts me as someone who goes to pieces at the drop of a hat when this actually is not true, I kind of took this comment to be along the lines of “suck it up”/“toughen up and just accept it” and I feel that would be the easy option but I don’t want that for myself or as an example to my children.

YANBU OP, that's minimizing your valid feelings using a medieval misogynistic argument. I would be annoyed too and would no longer share these concerns regarding your DH with this person.

@Cocomarine Don’t worry about my professionalism (or your perceived lack of it) it actually occurred during my “lunch break” but frankly my manager wouldn’t give a toss either way because I am professional enough to carry out every aspect of my job to a high standard and to manage my own time in such a way that all of the work expected of me, and more, gets done. That’s another thing women can do, survive, multi task and do a great job without being micromanaged!

It's interesting that the therapist made that comment - and it sounds like he is still doing it, if this person felt the need to call you at work in order to tell you not to overreact.

Maybe you and your husband would benefit from going back to counselling?