Realities of going from 2 to 3? Am I being materialistic?

[overweightcat]

Apologies for the long post but it's such a huge decision.
We will be sitting down with DP tonight to discuss the possibility.
He's all up for it and would happily start trying tomorrow, I'm also very tempted deep down but I'm a lot more concerned about finances and the practicalities of going from 2 to 3.

For him it trumps most things, he has always wanted 3 but we did initially settle on 2.
Our DCs are 6 and 3 one at school and one about to start nursery.

All the points below we will sit down and discuss tonight but I'd love some advice and insight from wise mumsnetters about the realities and practicalities of it, opinions on whether my views are a bit materialistic and maybe help me comply a list of things to discuss in case I've forgotten about anything.

My concerns:

• we are currently in a house that's too small for us, we are looking to upsize in our area but properties within our price range are few and far between hence we are still in here like sardines, DC 3 would mean an even bigger house. We are hoping to rent our current house out and are aiming to use it as a pension later on (we are self employed).

DP has initially said he would look to sell this house and use the equity to boost our budget and buy something bigger if we were to have another, then rethink our pension (we do potentially have a backup but it's not 100% ATM) He also said we might end up buying something small to extend but that would mean living in it as it is and then effectively living on a building site with 3 DCs and a dog which is my idea of a nightmare. We kind of did that with our current DCs and I've grown up moving a lot and living amongst renovations and for once I would just like to be finished and ready for a new arrival without having to worry about it, heck maybe even having a nursery ready. Is this self indulgent of me? We are a bit strapped for time as it is because we wouldn't want a much bigger age gap however I'm not prepared to start trying until we have secured a bigger house as I don't want to be in limbo with it.

• From a financial aspect I want to be able to afford things comfortably and be able to save and do things as a family without having to worry about it too much, and call me selfish/greedy but that includes materialistic things like holidays, I would value our financial security and comfort more than having a potential 3rd child which could put a strain on our finances and impact our current DCs.

Again this is something we will discuss tonight but I'd love to be able to have some insight to consider in terms of the expense of an extra child in all aspects of daily life and things like holidays and so on. We are not currently rolling in it and are conscious about finances however that might change but I'd like to be able to work out how doable it is.

Apart from the above which are the main points for me I also want to discuss / get advice on:

• the shift of dynamic from 2 to 3
• going back to sleepless nights and the baby stage
• cars - I'm guessing we would need something big to fit 3 car seats?
• practicalities like arranging a babysitter for 3 vs 2 - PILS can just about manage with 2 ATM if need be (it's not like we go off on jollies or need it much) but I'm conscious of the fact that it might be more difficult with 3 if it came down to it - any insight/advice?
• I love being a mum and love my DCs more than anything, I love having them climb into bed with us in the mornings for cuddles and seeing them grow and their characters develop, we have a lovely balance with them at the moment and I'm a bit in between worrying about a 3rd throwing a spanner in the works and making it a struggle or maybe another DC would end up just slotting in perfectly and making it even better - again any insight into this aspect would be great.

I would really appreciate any feedback / advice on the above points and also any potential things I forgot about.

We are in a similar situation as you, in that we are financially comfortable but only with two children. They say having a third is financial suicide as you need a bigger house & car!
We have decided to not go for a third and i'm enjoying me time again (both are at school & nursery) it was a hard decision but like you, we enjoy holidays & like to go on day trips every weekend which is costly. Not to mention the extra activities outside of schooling. Just don't have any regrets. I now know I won't.

I always wanted 3 but now we have 2 we aren’t planning any more for all the reasons you’ve said. We manage well enough with 2 but if we had 3 then things like holidays, extra curricular activities, nice days out, nice things probably wouldn’t be possible or at least not for a long time and I don’t want the two DC we have to not be able to do things like that. I also can’t see how I’d manage working and 3 DC and the childcare costs would be extortionate. That’s no criticism of people who choose differently but For me and DH we’re happy with that decision.

I’ve got three aged 2,4 and 6
The third was a very big surprise

I’m now also a single parent and they live with me.

It is very hard work at times but they are a great little team and and I love watching them grow up.

Yes two of them have to currently share a room but it’s a very big room. I have a large separate downstairs playroom just for them with space for a table, a big sofa, all the time toys, books and a tv so they goes straight into the garden so they spend most their time there
I would like a bigger car but I get by as I have the youngest rear facing in the front with an airbag off and a towing mirror on the side to see

Money is tight
I am tired
But this won’t be forever and when my youngest is three I’m hoping to go back to work full time and earn more again. If not we will manage as no mortgage.

If I had a pound for every time people say I’ve got my hands full I would never need to work again but the love and happiness they bring me is beyond measure

I have two kids and I’m financially comfortable and about to move to a bigger house.

A third child would ruin that plan so there will be no baby no3 for me

We stopped at 2 DCs as well. The financial aspect wasn't a materialistic one for us - it was more about not intentionally overstretching ourselves. If we had a surprise third we would cope, and no judgement on anyone who plans more kids but we are both the kind of people who lie up at night worrying if money is tight.

I've considered a third. We have a 4 bed house and could fit them in, but we like the extra room for a playroom. Children are healthy, sleep and get on well - I'm not prepared to risk that dynamic! I feel so incredibly lucky to have them. We can afford swimming lessons etc and would become tight with a third child.

I think your should do what your hearts tell you to though - my heart agrees with my head that two is the perfect number for us but it may be three for your family!

I have always wanted two children and I've just had DC2, I am absolutely sure that this is my last child and I am not having another. I have a 3.5 year age gap and I can't imagine starting again when DC2 is 3, the idea of it makes me shudder!

Several reasons:

• environmental; I think it's irresponsible to have lots of children... I suppose having any children at all uses the planet's resources but I feel that we can justify having two children (to replace ourselves) but not more
• personal; pregnancy, childbirth and the baby stage are bloody hard work and I don't particularly enjoy it... I am looking forward to getting my body and my nights back, plus a bit more freedom as the children get older
• family resources and dynamics; I would prefer to focus my energy on the two children I already have rather than having to spread the attention and money more thinly with more children

That's just me and everyone is different, but I wanted to share my thoughts to let you know that if you want to stop at two, you are not alone and YANBU!

Given all the practical considerations you've mentioned about your housing and financial situation, I definitely wouldn't have another in your shoes. I don't think it's materialistic to think practically about how you're going to afford a comfortable house for your family and plan for the future with pensions etc.

Also we are planning to do an extension which is going to be hard enough with two young kids (we might move out for the worst of it) let alone three kids and a dog!

I've heard going from 2 to 3 is like going from 2 to 5! According to sil who has 3 anyway

I was one of three, and didn't like the dynamic, so I always said I'd never have an uneven number.

We have four.

I have three and in my opinion, it’s no more difficult than 2. We are very financially stable however so that isn’t a concern at all but in terms of the baby added in - it’s like he’s always been here.

We have a four bedroom house, but two children currently share as the fourth bedroom is an office and so small. We’re looking to move next year to a larger house. I have a Kia Sportage - all three kids fit just fine in the back but not in the back of OH car. I have just ordered a Volvo XC90 as I want more space however

I’m also one of three and I always loved it. I’m very close to my siblings.

I’m actually tempted to have a fourth baby in a few years (I’m just 30 this year) but that’s probably just a pipe dream that won’t happen.

I have 3. They are now 9,12 and 13.

Need a bigger house. Boys share at the moment but we are looking to move to a 4 bed. Obviously there aren’t as many 4 bed options in our price bracket as there are 3 bed so a compromise will need to be made.

Holiday ‘deals’ are alway set up for 2 kids. So we have to look a bit harder for accommodation for the 4 of us. But does mean we have have had some fun holidays and we aren’t conventional ‘pool and drinking all night in a resort’ people anyway.

3 kids means 3 sets of school shoes etc which can add up but then again can pass some stuff down to youngest (not school shoes etc but school trousers)

3 lots of activities/school homework can get busy but then again DD would test youngest on his spellings in car on way to school!

But then they have over the years had options on who to play with over the years eg if one didn’t want to play there’s alway another who could be persuaded. Oldest has ASD and I think it really helped him seeing the other 2 playing etc and modelling normal relationships so that he has learned how to function outside the house.
I like have a busy house, even if we aren’t as well off as we would be with just 1 or 2 kids. But then you could say the same about going from 1 to 2 kids! I know loads of people that stopped at 1 kid so they could afford private school or could only afford nursery for 1 kids etc.

2 to 3 is a big difference, for all the reasons you say, and more. Bigger house, bigger car and more expensive holidays/day trips can cause financial issues (most family tickets are for 2+2 or 1+3, and needing an extra bedroom in holiday accommodation really pushes the price up). It means we don't really go out much, and have 1 self catering holiday a year.

But there are other issues too. When there are more of them than you to give 1 to 1 if they need it. The different dynamics between the kids - will one be left out? The same day out/activity might not suit both the youngest and the oldest due to the age gap so you can find yourself split as a family, one parent doing something with two kids while the other takes the third. My parents couldn't manage all 3 of mine so they would take either the oldest two, or the youngest. Almost never all three.

I sort of feel that if you are going to have three, then four is actually a better number, probably! I only have the 3 though, so can't be sure about that :)

Similar reasons to us not having a third.

Our 3 bed is very small and were short on space now. The plan is once dc2 is at school, ill go full time and we can buy a bigger house. Atm with the market as it is in our area and wages, we need to save about 100k in that time for a deposit for what we want

A 3rd dc would mean id have to stay PT and we'd be even more squashed in our current house

We're also considering a 3rd and can't decide. Financially it wouldn't really make much difference to us and already have a house and car that would fit three.

I feel really selfish because it's much more about giving up my body, my time, my sleep, my health, to be pregnant, breastfeeding, waking multiple times overnight for years, then having to lose the baby weight and get back into shape etc etc. I'd love another child but I'd quite like them to be handed over to me aged around 6 months old...

DH is keen for a 3rd but he doesn't have to do any of those things. He is very hands on when he can be, but he'd basically work and live as normal and have an extra little one to snuggle when he gets home.

I have 3 and it's really not much different from having 2. DS9, DS7 and DD9months.

We have a 7 seater car, a 4 bedroom house and financially the third hasn't made much difference.

A fourth I think would be our tipping point because it would involve two kids sharing a bedroom which none of them have ever had to do.

I don't think it's selfish not to want to do all that again. Motherhood is so demanding.

Cross post, I was replying to LadyIronDragon

Thank you @NameChange30

I think it's drilled into us that we should be delighted to be pregnant and a new mother etc. Of course I was but the reality of the toll it takes on your life, your body, your mental health and your career is huge! I don't think I had anticipated that. I came from a large family with parents who made it all look quite easy. It was the 80s though...

You aren't married neither of you have pensions...

If it all goes tits up who is going to bear the financial and practical burden.

I think if you are happy as you are abs you are the one making the biggest sacrifice stick with the 2 you have. The economy is looking bleak tbh!

Also when they reached secondary school they get much much more expensive! What about their hobbies, going to uni and so on?

We have 4 DC they have felt the economic impact and we relocated to afford a bigger home and massively reduce or mortgage.

My older kids were nearly 4 and nearly 2 when I found out about DD. We had originally planned to have another but had changed our minds when we were told there was no way of knowing if the birth defect would be repeated. So it was a tough time and my DH wanted an abortion. I didn't but was also looking at all the questions you ask. In the end, I looked behind me one day whilst driving the car (just before the BPAS appointment) and saw an empty seat on the back row. And in my head, that seat was for my baby, and no other rational thoughts about practicalities mattered.
It was very hard for the frist six months and the close age was difficult because my 2 year old was insanely jealous and was always trying to hurt her. We got cheap car seats from Halford for the older two because they were the only ones that fitted in a row with the baby seat. We also had building work done when she was 6 weeks old, which was hard but we needed a bath for them. It does mean we cannot consider private school, which was possibly achievable with remortgage before. We don't go on beach package holidays any more, as they get really expensive. We do villa holidays, and camping. It's fine. People are very generous with baby clothes.
I can't imagine having two any more. It is very very draining though.

We have 2. I really wanted 3 but in the end we decided to stick at 2 because we live in a very small house with not much potential to move, possibly extend but still won't be a big house. We already have a really big 7 seater car so that's not a problem, we are both self employed so dp would get no time off, I wouldn't be paid for time off obviously, and even when I didn't go back to work I would have to take a drop in earnings.
Our oldest is 12 and youngest is going to be 7 next month and I'm now pregnant with a surprise baby, and absolutely shitting myself.
How big is your house now?

I have a 6, 4 and almost 1 year old. Third was a very pleasant surprise. Am finding 3 easier than 2 as the older ones help out lots and adore their little baby sister.

We're in the middle of moving from a 3 to 4 bed house and having to really look at budgets. The biggest costs for us have been having to change the car and me having to have another temporary career break. Plus it's harder to leave all 3 with family if we wanted to pop out for dinner as a couple.

Good luck with what you decide :)

I'd love a third but we have a two bed terraced house with a cheap mortgage - we don't have money to move up to a 3 bed.
Reluctantly we have decided that for the future sadly a third baby isn't possible.

It's a head/heart decision.

I went with heart. In cold light of day I often think head should have won!