Realities of going from 2 to 3? Am I being materialistic?

[overweightcat]

Apologies for the long post but it's such a huge decision.
We will be sitting down with DP tonight to discuss the possibility.
He's all up for it and would happily start trying tomorrow, I'm also very tempted deep down but I'm a lot more concerned about finances and the practicalities of going from 2 to 3.

For him it trumps most things, he has always wanted 3 but we did initially settle on 2.
Our DCs are 6 and 3 one at school and one about to start nursery.

All the points below we will sit down and discuss tonight but I'd love some advice and insight from wise mumsnetters about the realities and practicalities of it, opinions on whether my views are a bit materialistic and maybe help me comply a list of things to discuss in case I've forgotten about anything.

My concerns:

• we are currently in a house that's too small for us, we are looking to upsize in our area but properties within our price range are few and far between hence we are still in here like sardines, DC 3 would mean an even bigger house. We are hoping to rent our current house out and are aiming to use it as a pension later on (we are self employed).

DP has initially said he would look to sell this house and use the equity to boost our budget and buy something bigger if we were to have another, then rethink our pension (we do potentially have a backup but it's not 100% ATM) He also said we might end up buying something small to extend but that would mean living in it as it is and then effectively living on a building site with 3 DCs and a dog which is my idea of a nightmare. We kind of did that with our current DCs and I've grown up moving a lot and living amongst renovations and for once I would just like to be finished and ready for a new arrival without having to worry about it, heck maybe even having a nursery ready. Is this self indulgent of me? We are a bit strapped for time as it is because we wouldn't want a much bigger age gap however I'm not prepared to start trying until we have secured a bigger house as I don't want to be in limbo with it.

• From a financial aspect I want to be able to afford things comfortably and be able to save and do things as a family without having to worry about it too much, and call me selfish/greedy but that includes materialistic things like holidays, I would value our financial security and comfort more than having a potential 3rd child which could put a strain on our finances and impact our current DCs.

Again this is something we will discuss tonight but I'd love to be able to have some insight to consider in terms of the expense of an extra child in all aspects of daily life and things like holidays and so on. We are not currently rolling in it and are conscious about finances however that might change but I'd like to be able to work out how doable it is.

Apart from the above which are the main points for me I also want to discuss / get advice on:

• the shift of dynamic from 2 to 3
• going back to sleepless nights and the baby stage
• cars - I'm guessing we would need something big to fit 3 car seats?
• practicalities like arranging a babysitter for 3 vs 2 - PILS can just about manage with 2 ATM if need be (it's not like we go off on jollies or need it much) but I'm conscious of the fact that it might be more difficult with 3 if it came down to it - any insight/advice?
• I love being a mum and love my DCs more than anything, I love having them climb into bed with us in the mornings for cuddles and seeing them grow and their characters develop, we have a lovely balance with them at the moment and I'm a bit in between worrying about a 3rd throwing a spanner in the works and making it a struggle or maybe another DC would end up just slotting in perfectly and making it even better - again any insight into this aspect would be great.

I would really appreciate any feedback / advice on the above points and also any potential things I forgot about.

@strivingtosucceed

IME it's the people who 'think everything will be ok' and go on to have the kids they fancy that struggle the most. There's a thread on here about a household that has 4 kids, earns 70k but can't afford to contribute the 5k shortfall of the student loan.

If in 15 years, all your kids want to go to uni, will you be able to afford the expected parental contribution? What about their hobbies, clothes, trips & transport. That's what you need to be worried about.

Completely appreciate this point of view. Thing is, you could drive yourself mad planning. Who would’ve predicted Covid for example. I don’t think you can live happily that way.

I would temper this by saying it’s sensible to be prepared to sacrifice too. In my case this means that I’ll be working full time rather than part time as would have been ideal. But it’s worth it for my three munchkins.

I would love a 3rd. My whole being yerns to be pregnant again and hold a newborn even though my youngest is only 10 months.

But I know financially it's not viable and 2 would have to share a room or eventually we would have to convert a downstairs room to a bedroom (not impossible but removes family space) also age is a big factor, I am late 30s and dh is early 40s

Dh is dead set against a 3rd though, doesnt want to be an old dad, money, stress, the pressure it puts on me and health risks ...

My issue is now I have to find a way to work through the longing or grief that I wont be able to do what my heart wants.

I suddenly snapped out of it. One day I saw some with a tiny baby and thought thank fuck that's not me.

I suppose we were lucky in that for both of use head and heart were matched up and neither of us wanted a third. For lots of reasons, all mentioned already I think but mostly along the lines of what you've mentioned.

We have a plenty big enough house for a third but would mean either giving up the spare room (all close family and friends live far away so not having a guest room would be a pain for us) or 2 sharing and having 2 share and 1 not just because 2 of them are the same sex seems very unfair.

Really don't want to have to get a new car that fits everyone. Memberships to places are nearly all 2 adults+2children. Always being outnumbered. Financial - DC1 has just started school, in 3 months DC2's 30 hours will kick in and the childcare bill we had a few months ago which was bigger than the mortgage will be tiny.

My second child was twins.
It is:
Expensive
Busy
Noisy
Challenging

And also:
Fabulous, fun and brilliant. There is plenty of love to go around and everything else you just stretch to fit.

I'd definitely recommend it

Ages now 6, 3 and maybe .... look at the ages going forward in say 4 and 8 years. Di you think you could happily occupy all three ages.

Also the environmental impact of more than a couple. If in the future when you feel more stable financially would you consider adoption? Theres already a lot of people in the world ( i say this as one of five) so not to judge others but it is worth thinking about

One thing that occurred to me is what if you're on the fence about a third child, you decide to go for it and then it turns out to be twins

I was very sure I only wanted two children so when I got pregnant with DC2 I was very relieved it wasn't twins!

Being honest first of all, I only have one child and I never felt the need for more.

I would just think about the teenage years, you could have 18, 15 and 12. The costs of feeding, clothing and entertaining 3 could sky-rocket. Of course they don’t all need school ski trips, but they will all need £200 uniforms etc and it is nice to be able to send them on trips. What you do for one had to be followed through for all. The same applies to out of school clubs, sports and seeing mates.

However, I appreciate I’m just a random off the internet!

I think if anyone sat down and thought logically about having a child then quite possibly we would all be childless! Its a decision where heart often rules head.
If your heart says 3 then go for it, you will adjust and manage, if you are only thinking of it to make DH happy then thats another matter. Does he do 50/50 or are you left with the bigger burden ?
I have 4 dc, we always wanted 3 but nearly stopped at 2 and the fourth was a big surprise!
So yes you will be outnumbered, you may need a bigger car to fit 3 car seats in, dc can share rooms, bunk beds etc but i do think its easier sometimes is they have their own room . Obviously costs increase 3 lots of school shoes , 3 lots of swimming lessons etc and you may have to buy a family ticket plus one when you go out, hotel rooms can be trickier but there are lots of other types of holiday accommodation. Finding willing babysitters for all 3 can be more of a challenge.
Its sometimes tiring and demanding juggling everyones needs but ultimately you love them unconditionally and they are worth it.
Sounds like you are in a secure loving relationship and in a reasonable financial situation so I don't think it would be a disaster but of course having another DC will involve an element of comprise.

I feel very lucky with 2 healthy children. Your third may not be, pregnancy in itself does have inherent dangers even if your previous ones were ok and you might have twins/triplets (yes I know someone that happened to). I’d count your blessings. This world is overcrowded already.

Thank you again for all the insight!

To answer a few PPs.

• I do the majority of the childcare as I work PT from home, he has much higher earning potential than me and works long hours so it makes sense
• we are not rolling in it financially but are comfortable, however there is a possibility this might change to a bit of a better position due to DPs job but again this isn't a guarantee at the moment
• DP definitely wants a 3rd more than me which is why he's probably trying to jump at the chance now I've expressed an interest too so I'm trying to keep a very level head about it as I know he potentially won't
• I would definitely not have another if it meant struggling financially as that would be to the detriment of my two existing DCs and also I would not have another if we cannot secure a house large enough to comfortably accommodate us - I am aware people make do with small spaces all the time but it's just not something I would like or enjoy for us I'm feeling claustrophobic as it is in our current house we are steadily outgrowing.

Basically I need security and certainty, I'm not happy to "just go for it" as he put it and work out the details later, I want to know where we stand and what it would look like before I actually make this huge decision.
I might update after the conversation, not sure if it will happen tonight as we've a few things on the to do list.

Are you married? If not would be v unwise to have another DC, returning to FT paid work a much higher priority IMO!

Almost all the risks are on you, personally, and the DC: not your DP.

You don't sound like you want a third so that suggests to me that you shouldn't. Simple.

What does your heart say? Practicalities aside, if you are having serious doubts, or are happy with 2, your wishes trumps your DHs

If you need security and certainty then I would prioritise:
Marriage or civil partnership
Building up savings (you don't mention these)
Pensions

Before adding a new risk in the form of a child.

It sounds like all "work" of moving, sorting out childcare, sorting out pensions, logistics etc will fall to you as well as pregnancy, childbirth and sleepless nights...

Very easy to "go with the flow and have a third" when it has little impact on your life and expect finances to sort themselves out as if by magic

When you hit 50 you certainly wish your pension pot was bigger and you had more income to help out your DC with uni/cars/housing...

What Taswama and RandomMess said

We have 3 however we are married and financially stable. We were very lucky to be able to afford a bigger car and home. However we don't prioritise holidays etc, dc3 brings far more joy than any holiday would!

However in your case I wouldn't be considering it given you are not married, don't have financial security, you don't actually sound like you want a third.

When I look at dc3 I cannot imagine life without them. I am so so glad that I went with my heart. Someone once told me that you don't regret the children you have, only the ones you don't. I totally agree with this! I am considering looking into fostering in the future but we won't have anymore dc.

There seems to be no good reason to go for it. Wanting a third isn’t a good enough reason. 2 is enough. Especially in today’s climate. Focus on the ones you have.

To be honest, if you can't afford /cater for a third without a financial/domestic hit then why would you?

@Minniem2020 similar with us, We have 10 years between our two , 12 and 2, so we have decided to try for a third as we want a closer in age sibling for our youngest , I feel like that was missing with our eldest , but it is quite a different dynamic to most , I always say it will probably feel more like 2 children and then a bonus child -my eldest who I got to have 10 long years with alone , although I do worry about her feeling pushed out of the family unit so I will make effort to have time with her alone.

We have three but we are financially comfortable.
We can afford to pay more for holidays. I am finding the kids activities hard to split ourselves three ways. DH is a very hands on dad. That is very important with three. It’s still hard. I find when its me on my own with three very hard. I kind of hate leaving the house if I have all of them on my own (Youngest is 2). But I love they are a little team together. We do a lot as a family at the weekends. I would hate to do it with financial issues though. I just wouldn’t have done it. I also find going out as a couple more difficult. Grandparents aren’t hands on and have yet to find a great babysitter that can take on all three. Ours our a handful at bedtime as the are very much the jump in bed with mum and dad type of kids.

Hi everyone.

So we talked and are still undecided. Well I am anyway.
We crunched the numbers and we think it would be OK financially, we will look into it more tonight to be able to go into more detail with it. I want to be able to equally save for and give all my DCs the same support and help both practically and financially so it's something we need to break down and see what's possible.

DP went into a bit more depth with his idea re upsizing and it does make sense.
We were actually going to get married this year but lockdown happened. We planned a small wedding abroad as my elderly DGM who had a stroke towards the end of last year and as a result cannot travel anymore and who I'm very close to lives there and I really wanted her to be there, so we put it on hold its definitely on the cards though and we are currently giving it some more thought as we'd definitely like to be married before a 3rd was on the cards.

I didn't talk about it much in my posts because I don't want it automatically overriding everything else but in my heart I would really love one more but my head is a bit full of my own insecurities, anxieties and worries.