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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH caught sending inappropriate messages - yet angry at me?

88 replies

Knottedstomach11 · 06/10/2020 07:04

Last night I went through DH phone. I never usually do this but he has a new phone so I was adding numbers. Anyway I snooped in his messages when I saw a girls name that I don’t know.
The messages are not cool. He’s flirting with her - she’s not interested but the conversation is very inappropriate, mostly from him. She lives abroad so they haven’t met but he’s calling her stunning & commenting on her body.

I am so hurt but mostly furious. I straight away brought the phone to him and said that was a disgusting way for a married man to behave. An hour later I asked to see his phone as I never checked if there are others that he’s messaged. He refused to give it to me but I didn’t push it & he was angry at me for checking his phone.

Wtf!!!

I’m financially dependent on him but considering going to find advice on seperation & divorce.

AIBU? Over reacting?

OP posts:
Strawberrycreamsundae · 06/10/2020 07:09

Sleazy @#£&
Definitely not overreacting, he’s angry because he’s been caught out. How long has he been doing this? Quite possibly much longer than you think.

Shoxfordian · 06/10/2020 07:10

Not overreacting at all
How many other women has he been messaging?!

Bellesavage · 06/10/2020 07:12

I'd find this a huge betrayal and his reaction to being found out as even worse. If you haven't got kids I'd cut and run. If you have got kids I'd be getting my ducks in a row to leave as soon as I could.

boymum9 · 06/10/2020 07:19

You're not over reacting at all, during the beginning of my relationship with ex h this happened multiple times, inappropriate messages/things he did that I found out yet still 15 years later if anything ever came up he'd me angry at me and it would be my fault because I'd looked in order to find the stuff (there were reasons that I had looked though, and obv my suspicions were right)
Stick to your guns don't let him turn it around on you, don't back down, and make sure he knows it, he's in the wrong not you

LunaLula83 · 06/10/2020 07:32

Cut and run!

MrsWhites · 06/10/2020 07:38

Not unreasonable at all, he’s angry because he’s been caught! The fact that she doesn’t seem interested but he’s carried on trying makes it so sleazy. I’d take steps to sort your finances out at the very least!

Librascales · 06/10/2020 07:44

Yuck YANBU he is trying to put it on you. What a creep.

Original poster
Knottedstomach11 · 06/10/2020 07:44

@Bellesavage we have young DC one of whom is severely disabled. I have a great team of carers & nurses so think I could manage but it wouldn’t be easy. I can’t work due to DC needing 24 hour care - but that could change in a couple of years.

I was hurt last night but this morning I am furious. We have a very active sex life, he has it good here so I feel really betrayed.

It’s been going on since the summer. I just logged onto his FB and he’s deleted the message thread. I can’t see any other messages to girls but they could be deleted too.

He mentioned his wife in the messages a few times so making it clear he’s married but he still crossed the line. Calling her stunning, beautiful, even wife!!! She just mostly replied politely so isn’t interested in him. Which makes him look like even more of a sleaze and a loser.

What will I do???

OP posts:
Tadpolesandfroglets · 06/10/2020 07:47

It’s unacceptable behaviour. You can’t be in a committed, loving relationship with this going on. How can you ever trust him? I’d be devastated. What is she had been interested? How far would he take it? He’s only cross because he got caught.

Tadpolesandfroglets · 06/10/2020 07:47

If!

oakleaffy · 06/10/2020 08:00

[quote Knottedstomach11]@Bellesavage we have young DC one of whom is severely disabled. I have a great team of carers & nurses so think I could manage but it wouldn’t be easy. I can’t work due to DC needing 24 hour care - but that could change in a couple of years.

I was hurt last night but this morning I am furious. We have a very active sex life, he has it good here so I feel really betrayed.

It’s been going on since the summer. I just logged onto his FB and he’s deleted the message thread. I can’t see any other messages to girls but they could be deleted too.

He mentioned his wife in the messages a few times so making it clear he’s married but he still crossed the line. Calling her stunning, beautiful, even wife!!! She just mostly replied politely so isn’t interested in him. Which makes him look like even more of a sleaze and a loser.

What will I do???[/quote]
@Knottedstomach11

What a CF your DH is.

You have a good sex life...And he still messages other women?

In a "Way" I can understand men and women getting frustrated if they get zero sex for years with their DP from doing something like this...But you clearly have an active sex life together.
Many married couples would kill for that after many years.

No wonder you are hurt. Jeez.

burntpinky · 06/10/2020 08:06

Oh they always do this when caught - turn it around to become the victim because you dared to invade their privacy.

Total cunt. Leave the bastard but get your divorce ducks in a row first

CorianderLord · 06/10/2020 08:08

Why. Are. You. Financially. Dependant. On. A. Man?

LaBellina · 06/10/2020 08:12

I would be seriously pissed off and feeling betrayed if my DH was having some sort of emotional affair behind me back regardless of where the woman was living, abroad or not, its very inappropriate.
Getting angry is his defense mechanism, trying to shift the blame whilst he knows very well that he's the one being wrong here, not you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/10/2020 08:14

Coriander - wtf!

Because. She. Has. A. Severely. Disabled. Child

Original poster
Knottedstomach11 · 06/10/2020 08:14

@CorianderLord I had to leave my high paying job to take care of my DS. The only way I could get him out of hospital was to agree to be available as his full time Carer.

Therefore DH is the only earner.

OP posts:
notalwaysalondoner · 06/10/2020 08:15

I never get the “you shouldn’t be looking at my phone” argument! In the old days if you caught someone cheating they wouldn’t try to justify it by saying “you shouldn’t have burst into the bedroom without knocking!” or “you shouldn’t have eavesdropped while I flirted with this other woman at a party”. I mean, honestly. It’s pathetic. They’re just getting defensive and trying to shift the blame for THEIR huge mistake. You have every right to be angry. I wouldn’t necessarily immediately leave someone for this but they’d have to be really grovelling and want to fix it which it doesn’t sound like he is yet. Unless you really want to leave for other reasons I’d probably ask him for some space (ideally he would stay somewhere else) then see how you both feel in a week or two. I wouldn’t just let things carry on as normal especially if he hasn’t even seen the error of his ways. Plus making him leave for a few days will make him realise he could actually lose everything because of what he’s done which means he’s far less likely to do it again if you do decide to stay together.

Flittingaboutagain · 06/10/2020 08:17

What a horrible way to treat you. He has grass is greener syndrome. It literally wouldn't make difference if you never had sex. This has got jack shit to do with your marriage and is all about him needing to boost his ego or escape to a fantasy.

romeolovedjulliet · 06/10/2020 08:22

@CorianderLord

Why. Are. You. Financially. Dependant. On. A. Man?
ffs how bloody patronising ! many women give up to be a sahm, plus the fact not everyone can have a high earning career, nannies and cleaners.
BewilderedDoughnut · 06/10/2020 08:29

Another perfect example of why it’s absolutely bonkers to ever allow yourself to become financially dependant on a partner!

Purplecatshopaholic · 06/10/2020 08:31

Jeez, what a sleaze. I am sorry op. He’s angry he got caught out. Time for you to have a serious think about what you want. Do you want this relationship to continue? If so, he has to take his behaviour seriously and work to get your trust back.

Mandalalorianna · 06/10/2020 08:33

The old 'switching blame routine'. He's clearly not content with the best you can offer (sorry).. If you can, cut your losses and separate. Tough times Flowers

Slightlybrwnbanana · 06/10/2020 08:35

I don't think I would leave my dh over this, but I would be requiring absolute honesty from him in terms of who she was, what exactly went on etc. But of course how could I know he told me the truth?

FlapsInTheWind · 06/10/2020 08:41

That would have me ending my marriage for sure.

I would never be able to look at him again let alone shag him so the marriage would end anyway. YANBU.

Ohtherewearethen · 06/10/2020 08:46

The people whose only contribution is to berate OP for being financially dependent on a man are condescending and unhelpful. How can she work and care for her child 24 hours a day? This situation is the husband's doing, not OP's.
This absolutely stinks. Your husband is definitely doing the blame shifting because he knows he has no defence so the only thing he can think of to do is pretend you're the one who has broken the trust in your relationship. Do not let him succeed in that. He needs to leave the house now, giving you time to think and plan your next steps.