DH caught sending inappropriate messages - yet angry at me?

[Knottedstomach11]

Last night I went through DH phone. I never usually do this but he has a new phone so I was adding numbers. Anyway I snooped in his messages when I saw a girls name that I don’t know.
The messages are not cool. He’s flirting with her - she’s not interested but the conversation is very inappropriate, mostly from him. She lives abroad so they haven’t met but he’s calling her stunning & commenting on her body.

I am so hurt but mostly furious. I straight away brought the phone to him and said that was a disgusting way for a married man to behave. An hour later I asked to see his phone as I never checked if there are others that he’s messaged. He refused to give it to me but I didn’t push it & he was angry at me for checking his phone.

Wtf!!!

I’m financially dependent on him but considering going to find advice on seperation & divorce.

AIBU? Over reacting?

@BewilderedDoughnut
OP has a severely disabled child requiring 24hr care.

I think it’s not just the fact he’s messaging another woman - it’s also that she’s clearly not interested and yet he persists.
That’s not just unfaithful, it’s being a pest, borderline harassing. He needs to sort this, because, in the end, is he the kind of man you want to be with?

@CorianderLord

Why. Are. You. Financially. Dependant. On. A. Man?

Why. Are. You. So. Ignorant?

I think if he had confessed or seemed genuinely sorry and fully discussed with you what where he went wrong and why and showed you what he was going to do to change and rebuild trust (eg open access to his phone) then there could have been a way forward.

As it is, he is acting like it's fine to try and sleep with someone else (if she had been visiting the uk and was responsive to messages and asked him to meet up, do you really think he'd have said no?), he isn't showing any signs of recognising this behaviour is not appropriate in a marriage or showing signs of being sorry and is instead pissed off with you for going on his phone. Deleting messages shows that deep down he knows it's wrong I think but is not admitting this. I think he will do it again but hide his messages or improve the security on his phone. I wouldnt chuck him out I'd start researching and preparing to split, getting all your financial info together etc

And yes I agree what does it say about him that he continues to pursue someone else when they clearly aren't interested

@CorianderLord

Why. Are. You. Financially. Dependant. On. A. Man?

Don't be a dick. She has a child with severe special needs.

@BewilderedDoughnut it was a choice between having my child or keeping my job - not a tough decision IMO. Sometimes life doesn’t work out how you plan it.

@Mandalalorianna that’s it - he’s not content with what he already has & would risk it for some online flirting? Seems reckless and disrespectful to me. He said she’s just a friend but I repeated what he’d said to her which was more than friendly and he shut down.

I’ll see how he is when he gets home if he’s apologetic I might be able to forgive him. If he continues to be angry and rude then he can fuck off back to his mothers.

He's an utter creep. I'm really sorry, OP. I'd be out of there.

Is there any scenario in which you can go back to your career right away? I would not be trusting my financial future to this man for another week.

If it was absolutely imperative that you went back to work immediately (which I would say it is?), how would the logisitics work? Work it out for two scenarios - the one in which you stay together, and the one in which you are living separately.

You don't HAVE to leave him over this, but you've just seen how risky it is being financially dependant on someone untrustworthy, so that's the first thing I would fix. You made the decision to leave your career in a situation where you could trust your partner. That has now changed, so you have to rethink.

You say you had a high paying job. Would the combination of your two salaries pay for care? Is there day care available in a centre/hospital? It doesn't have to come out of YOUR salary - it comes out of your JOINT salaries.

Of course No one SHOULD check a phone. But there SHOULD NOT be anything you wouldn't want a spouse to read either.

YANBU.

Another perfect example of why it’s absolutely bonkers to ever allow yourself to become financially dependant on a partner!

Sometimes like in the case of OP, it's unavoidable!

OP, get out as soon as you can.

Deflecting his guilt to you! What a prick! So out of order he is.

Divorce ducks all the way. Sorry OP.
If he's deleted stuff what else is he hiding?

Get rid of him, he's scum.

@CorianderLord

Why.no.matter.how.shittily.a.man.behaves.do.you.feel.a.need.to.blame.and.attack.women?

I would go nuclear. The fact that he's not even one bit sorry and more bothered that you checked his phone speaks volumes. At least if he was sorry and realised what a dick he's been you could maybe move forward but he's not. What an arsehole

FFS people make different decisions based on their own personal circumstances!

I’m a stay at home mum - I better get back to work even though it isn’t what’s best for my family just in case my husband turns into a sleazy bastard who starts texting other women!

LTB there is no way back from that.

I’ll see how he is when he gets home if he’s apologetic I might be able to forgive him

How on earth are you ever going to trust him again?

I don't know how you can think of forgiveness, he has shown nothing but contempt for you.

I'm so sorry for you, this is really so awful. How could he!

I’m a stay at home mum - I better get back to work even though it isn’t what’s best for my family just in case my husband turns into a sleazy bastard who starts texting other women!

Of course not, but if he DID, wouldn't you reevaluate the situation? In a scenario where there was a clear risk that your husband would break up your marriage through infidelity, would you being at home still be best for your family?

You will never trust him again and it will start to erode everything. The damage has been done. Been there got the T-shirt and currently divorcing him.

Even if you don’t split up now at this point start preparing your self for it. Eg, looking at what you would receive in benefits, what would happen to the house.

I let dh off the hook when I found he had been messaging some one, I later found he had been trying to message other people too but he wiped it all and minimised the lot. I had two very young children and was financially dependent on him and was advised by family members to let it go and move on as I had no proof he had physically cheated.

But the rot set in, he wasn’t who I thought he was and it changed my view of him. I began to catch him out in little lies because now I was aware he was liar and capable of deceiving me I was looking for it.

In the end I lost all respect for him and it turned in to a very toxic relationship and I can literally pin point it to that day I seen the first messages.

The book ‘Too good to leave too bad to stay’ is good at being able to sift through your relationship.

But really - start looking in to how you would be able to live by yourself if you would need to.

[quote neversayalways]@CorianderLord

Why.no.matter.how.shittily.a.man.behaves.do.you.feel.a.need.to.blame.and.attack.women?[/quote]
Absolutely this... The husband is in the wrong, not the wife.

i am so sorry, this sounds as if your marriage is over already and really there is no decision to be made. He made the decision when he began either his affairs or attempts to begin one. The trust is gone. I hope you find courage and support from friends and family to end this marriage and move forwards in a new life. It will take great courage but you deserve better than this !

I never usually do this but he has a new phone so I was adding numbers.

You were snooping, own it.

Sure he is wrong to be sending messages, but the fact you were snooping shows you don’t trust him. Same with logging in to his Facebook.