DH caught sending inappropriate messages - yet angry at me?

[Knottedstomach11]

Last night I went through DH phone. I never usually do this but he has a new phone so I was adding numbers. Anyway I snooped in his messages when I saw a girls name that I don’t know.
The messages are not cool. He’s flirting with her - she’s not interested but the conversation is very inappropriate, mostly from him. She lives abroad so they haven’t met but he’s calling her stunning & commenting on her body.

I am so hurt but mostly furious. I straight away brought the phone to him and said that was a disgusting way for a married man to behave. An hour later I asked to see his phone as I never checked if there are others that he’s messaged. He refused to give it to me but I didn’t push it & he was angry at me for checking his phone.

Wtf!!!

I’m financially dependent on him but considering going to find advice on seperation & divorce.

AIBU? Over reacting?

@LemmysAceCard I’m fine, thank you. I was very angry, then hurt, and now I’m a bit disappointed in him. I’m questioning if he’s a bit of a desperate loser & I just didn’t notice. I’ve lost all desire for him.

@BritWifeinUSA She’s a kind of ex colleague, they worked together briefly about 2 years ago. She contacted him over the summer to see if he knew of any job vacancies in their field. And he behaved like a leechy sex pest by making inappropriate comments & jokes. She mostly swerved them.
I don’t know their chemistry in real life but she clearly doesn’t fancy him.

[quote Knottedstomach11]@LemmysAceCard I’m fine, thank you. I was very angry, then hurt, and now I’m a bit disappointed in him. I’m questioning if he’s a bit of a desperate loser & I just didn’t notice. I’ve lost all desire for him.

@BritWifeinUSA She’s a kind of ex colleague, they worked together briefly about 2 years ago. She contacted him over the summer to see if he knew of any job vacancies in their field. And he behaved like a leechy sex pest by making inappropriate comments & jokes. She mostly swerved them.
I don’t know their chemistry in real life but she clearly doesn’t fancy him.[/quote]
Oh op, i was hoping that he at least come clean.

I have been there too, about 18 months ago. It shattered my world. I just couldnt believe how easy he go do that and lie to me.

We are still together but it wasnt bloody easy and i still at times hate him for what he put me through.

Good luck op.

You sound incredibly strong and resourceful. I know what you mean about losing desire when you start to find a man pathetic- why do they do it?!

I’ve been there too. My DH was messaging women and meeting up with them on his business trips abroad. I was so angry. We are still together but it completely wrecked my trust in our marriage for years and it’s still an issue now. I feel like I sacrificed my health and career to have our children and care for them but he couldn’t be arsed to keep our vows or treat me respectfully. We had a huge row recently and he finally realises the ongoing damage his behaviour caused. He’s trying really hard to make it up to me. He did try at the time too, he had counselling but not us together as we couldn’t fit it in.

@Ruralretreating thank you for sharing. I feel we will have to work through this too. Even though right now I want him out of my life! I cannot stop thinking about it, I’m angry.

I feel betrayed but also angry that I didn’t realise what type of man he was. Was he was a sleazy sex pest when we met and I didn’t notice? I’ve worked with men like That for years and I’ve zero tolerance for that creepiness.

It’s going to be a tough time for a while until I get my head straight

I’m glad it’s helpful to hear others’ experiences @Knottedstomach11. You have to decide if what you have is worth saving, in my case it was but the damage done has been huge. It’s about 4 years now and I still think about it every day. It’s made my previously secure life feel very insecure, emotionally as well as financially. Only after our recent massive row does he realise this. He is now making a huge effort but these behaviours can’t be undone.

I was in a relationship a long time ago and I was totally head over heels with this guy. I was friends with the brother of my partners ex and the ex went to see my partner to borrow a piece of photographic equipment and he was all over her. The ex triumphantly reported this to her brother and her bro told me. I got the ick from that point on. I had noticed slight sleaze tendencies but had ignored them. I believed what the brother told me as there was a detail that proved it. I couldn't get past the ick factor and I was done.

It was the sleaziness and the fact that all the flowery crap he had come out with about being in love with me was just that - crap. I was gone.

Oh and they never got back together because she was engaged to someone and went on to marry him.

I also remember thinking, “Yuk, he’s become a walking cliche, middle aged business man flirting with younger women whilst his wife is having his children”. It made me feel sick as well as angry. Stay strong OP.

This is the age old question.
Yes, YABU. You should not have looked through his phone. Yes, he was BU. He was messaging behind your back. If you didn't trust him, you shouldn't be with him. You shouldn't need proof he's cheating to know you don't trust him. You're both wrong.

Go away @BuddyRun... stop victim blaming

You're not overreacting at all. He sounds vile. You may be financially dependent on him at the moment but this is not how your life has to be. Leave him and make it work with whatever you can, you can only be better off out of it. Sending you hugs x

@BuddyRun

This is the age old question. Yes, YABU. You should not have looked through his phone. Yes, he was BU. He was messaging behind your back. If you didn't trust him, you shouldn't be with him. You shouldn't need proof he's cheating to know you don't trust him. You're both wrong.

Sounds like something one of my colleagues used to say to people in a crisis. She was the 'other woman' on three occasions and was a dickhead. I have never looked through someone's phone but tbh if it was the phone of the person I'm with now there would be nothing shady about looking through it cos hes a good man, op has done nothing wrong by illuminating her partner's twattish behaviour.