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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH caught sending inappropriate messages - yet angry at me?

88 replies

Knottedstomach11 · 06/10/2020 07:04

Last night I went through DH phone. I never usually do this but he has a new phone so I was adding numbers. Anyway I snooped in his messages when I saw a girls name that I don’t know.
The messages are not cool. He’s flirting with her - she’s not interested but the conversation is very inappropriate, mostly from him. She lives abroad so they haven’t met but he’s calling her stunning & commenting on her body.

I am so hurt but mostly furious. I straight away brought the phone to him and said that was a disgusting way for a married man to behave. An hour later I asked to see his phone as I never checked if there are others that he’s messaged. He refused to give it to me but I didn’t push it & he was angry at me for checking his phone.

Wtf!!!

I’m financially dependent on him but considering going to find advice on seperation & divorce.

AIBU? Over reacting?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 06/10/2020 10:08

Its totally understandable why you are financially dependent. I dont know many people with disabled children who are able to work actually, and you clearly said that otherwise your child would have had to stay in residential hospital full time, so it was pretty clear cut.

I would feel so betrayed by him. Especially his uncaring unremorseful response. What a fucking dick

Osirus · 06/10/2020 10:14

@BewilderedDoughnut

Another perfect example of why it’s absolutely bonkers to ever allow yourself to become financially dependant on a partner!
She doesn’t have a a choice doughnut (very apt name by the way Hmm).
Original poster
Knottedstomach11 · 06/10/2020 10:19

So financially I need him for another 3.5 years max. That’s when a mortgage is paid in full - house is in my name only thankfully.
Also in 3 years DS health will hopefully have stabilised dramatically - he has a huge life changing surgery next summer.

OP posts:
whatsyournamenow · 06/10/2020 10:21

Good job she doesn't trust him @MintyMabel imagine if she had!

3.5 years is a long time OP!

rossclare · 06/10/2020 10:30

So this happened to me - i had 2 young children (3yrs, and 3 months) and was recovering from mastitis when i picked up the iPad for my daughter to use and found these sort of messages. I spoke (shouted and cried) at my DP, and in his defence he was horrified and very sorry (not angry that i'd looked at his iPad). I cannot express how vulnerable i felt. 7 years on and another baby later, we are still together and very happy. It took me a long time to get over and i kept bringing it up in arguments which was not helpful really. I had to make a decision to either accept it had happened and move on, or leave. I'm glad i chose the former. So i suppose i'm saying that this is a really pivotal point in your life OP.....what he has done is hurtful and awful, but it doesn't have to be the end of the relationship. People make mistakes - it depends how sorry he is.

MrsWhites · 06/10/2020 10:33

@crosspelican

Of course given the OP’s situation she should re-evaluate her financial situation, I suggested that myself earlier on in the thread but some people on here have posted that ‘this is why women shouldn’t be financially dependant’, I’m just saying that sometimes it can’t be helped given the family circumstances. No-one in a seemingly happy marriage should have to plan ahead for potential infidelity.

longwayoff · 06/10/2020 10:34

Classic guilty male response. Put some space between you before it becomes "Look what you made me do."

supoort · 06/10/2020 10:35

No not overreacting at all and don't let him believe you are!

alwaysataldi · 06/10/2020 10:45

Playing devil's advocate - perhaps it's a bit of escapism for him ? - he may be struggling (as you surely are) with life. Still unacceptable.

Scweltish · 06/10/2020 10:51

So he’s life this with women who aren’t even interested in him. Imagine what he’s done with women who is. Creepy fucking sex pest

1FootInTheRave · 06/10/2020 10:58

Going to take a guess that this is the tip of a very large and very unpleasant iceberg.

SlowDown76mph · 06/10/2020 11:01

You need good legal advice. The house being in your name is irrelevant if you are married. It is a marital asset.

Nquartz · 06/10/2020 11:01

@1FootInTheRave

Going to take a guess that this is the tip of a very large and very unpleasant iceberg.
That's what I was thinking, or if he gets away with it this time it could escalate in the future because he wants more reciprocity (cam sites etc.)
Yogawithmydog · 06/10/2020 11:03

@CorianderLord
Why. Can't. You. Read. The. OPs. Posts. And. Understand. Her. Circumstances. Rather. Than. Blame. Her.

Devlesko · 06/10/2020 11:03

You are worth far more than this, ducks in a row and divorce him.
Don't ever give up your career for a man, he could have gone pt and you when you have to provide 24/7 care.
Any decent man would have wanted to.
I think your problems are much deeper rooted, he thinks you are his child's carer, he doesn't respect you, or equality in the relationship.

stillsomewhatsheldonesque · 06/10/2020 11:04

I would have maybe been more amenable to working through it if he had been remorseful and genuinely so. The fact he blamed you? No.

And granted you shouldn’t be snooping but he shouldn’t be giving you reason to want to. I’m team you.

If you can stick it out for 3.5 years then you are a stronger person than me.

He could whistle long and hard for sex though....

MintyMabel · 06/10/2020 11:09

Good job she doesn't trust him MintyMabel imagine if she had!

Indeed. If you are going to snoop, though, own it rather than making excuses. Her DH has decided it was wrong to do, and it seems OP agrees if she is making excuses about it.

Daftapath · 06/10/2020 11:16

Get legal advice OP before you make any decisions about staying/leaving. As previous poster has pointed out, you are married, your house is a joint asset so only having it in your name doesn't really matter. It may matter if your marriage has been short so divorcing now may be better than leaving it.

I divorced after 17yr marriage. XH hadn't paid a penny towards my house but I ended up having to pay him half the value of the house ... plus lots of legal bills!

Definitely worth seeing where you stand now.

Original poster
Knottedstomach11 · 06/10/2020 11:30

@MintyMabel I did snoop but I didn’t pick up the phone to snoop. I was adding contacts then noticed a message stream from a name I didn’t recognise & as it was female I jumped right in!
I’d have no problem with DH reading my texts - I’ve nothing to hide.

Initially he was sorry, agreed that a married man shouldn’t be sending another woman inappropriate messages. But stated twice that I shouldn’t have gone into his phone. Then later was snappy and defensive.

To me it’s like he was fishing for compliments from this woman. Like a right loser.

He knows he’s in the wrong, he hasn’t contacted me today as he usually would.

It depends on his attitude later. But I’m not trapped in this relationship by any means.

OP posts:
LemmysAceCard · 06/10/2020 21:17

How did you get on OP? I hope you are doing ok.

whatsyournamenow · 06/10/2020 21:35

Indeed. If you are going to snoop, though, own it rather than making excuses. Her DH has decided it was wrong to do, and it seems OP agrees if she is making excuses about it.

Oh yes the good old, attack is the best form of defence! That's all he's doing. Sadly given his awful behaviour he gets to decide absolutely nothing! Especially not that the relationship will continue! The ball is 100% in OPs court!

I love the fact he's sulking by not calling you OP, it's really going to endear you to him.. not!

justilou1 · 07/10/2020 04:31

OMFG - really? Victim-blaming? In this day and age? Don’t feed those trolls, just offer the OP the support she came to get. OP, don’t question yourself. You didn’t ask for this, and he was and is being a dick.

BritWifeinUSA · 07/10/2020 05:54

He just started messaging a random unknown woman in another country? Or is it someone he knows? I’m not making excuses for him I am just wondering if it’s an old friend or a colleague and they just think they are having a laugh. It just seems so odd to message a random woman overseas. What does he expect will come of it?

Onadifferentuniverse · 07/10/2020 06:41

He doesn’t respect you op, I actually think this behaviour is worse than a drunken one night stand, it’s calculated and he knew exactly what he was doing.
Made even worse by your family situation and the fact he is behaving in the way he is now he’s been caught.

He’s a looser and a creep and you deserve better.

MsDogLady · 07/10/2020 08:05

You do not have an equal, mutually respectful relationship. While you’ve been pouring your love and commitment into your marriage and family, your H has been creating distance between you by secretly channeling his emotional energy elsewhere.

For months he has been emotionally unfaithful by pursuing this woman. On discovery he was ultimately unremorseful and manipulative (blame shifting). Instead of showing deep regret, he was ‘angry, rude, snappy and defensive.’

He needs to back right off of being angry that you looked at his messages. If you had not followed through after her name popped up, you’d still be in the dark (where he wanted you).

In your shoes, I would send him away while you process all of this. He needs to experience a loss and understand that you mean business. As he still has weak boundaries and a sense of entitlement to seek illicit ego boosts, he is a bad bet.