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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I’m not being unreasonable (divorce)

207 replies

BettyBroderick · 06/10/2020 00:11

We are divorcing. Kids are pre teens, some mild disabilities.
My pension pot is 400
His pension pot is 725
Cash/shares 40
I’m SAHM, no income
He earns 85k
House equity 500
Mortgage -50

I want to keep the house, with no mortgage,
Not so bothered about anything else. Is that fair?

He wants to sell the house to release the equity and us both buy somewhere each, mine outright, and him using his as a deposit and then remortgaging. He wants the kids 50:50 so no child maintenance and also wants a clean break. We are both 50.

I think he’s not being fair. AIBU?

OP posts:
LizB62A · 07/10/2020 17:44

Please don't fall for the 50/50 thing
I did that - split the money from the marital home and agreed 50/50 custody
A few years later, he said that 50/50 wasn't convenient any more and my son then lived with me 100% of the time (which suited both me and my son !)
However my arse of an ex-husband then refused to pay CM for more than a few months, at which point he lied to the CMS and said he didn't earn enough (self-employed so can hide his earnings)

I wish I'd stayed in the marital home.....

DillonPanthersTexas · 07/10/2020 17:52

Anyways, YANBU. Keep the house. Also I know you didn't mention this, but if your child has autism then it is very important for them to retain consistency for their mental benefit and so that they do not regress. I think this will mean that they will not handle 50:50 anyway because of that (if that is the case) and they are vulnerable so it is in the children's best interest to remain in their home with their primary caretaker. Please mention their condition to the solicitor and how it makes them vulnerable, as I think it will make the case that you get the majority of custody and keep the house

Hmm
elmouno · 07/10/2020 18:30

@DillonPanthersTexas

It is in the child's best interest to remain with the primary caretaker who understands their disability and has been their carer. Life isn't all about money, it's about the welfare of a child with special needs.

DillonPanthersTexas · 07/10/2020 18:57

Life isn't all about money

No, but if you are 50 years old and about to be asked to give up your mortgage free marital home (and if some on here had their way everything else as well) and start from scratch again money curiously becomes a fairly important consideration.

HandfulofDust · 07/10/2020 19:15

@DillonPanthersTexas Yes but it shouldn't be moreimportant as the welfare of your autistic child.

elmouno · 07/10/2020 19:19

@DillonPanthersTexas

The welfare of the child is most important and he/she should not suffer in quality of life due to the choice of the parents. Since this child has SEN, it really depends on what that means but if the mum has been carer and going to all therapy appointments, then she knows best what that child needs on a day to day basis since much of therapy is training parents on what to do (I.e. speech therapy and the way to communicate with that child in order to, exercises to do, material to work with etc). That child is vulnerable and deserves to retain their school place, their trusted teachers, and their home. It's not their fault that this is happening. The adults can handle themselves, but a disabled child cannot handle all of the changes being forced on them.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/10/2020 19:20

Start again from scratch?!? What? With a 3/4 million pounds pension and 2 thriving children?

BewilderedDoughnut · 07/10/2020 19:42

This type of scenario is why women have such a bad name and why we find it hard to get ahead!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 07/10/2020 19:53

arethereanyleftatall

That sounds fair to me. Did I say that they wouldn't do that, though? Confused

arethereanyleftatall · 07/10/2020 19:53

What on earth are you talking about @BewilderedDoughnut?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 07/10/2020 19:57

Start again from scratch?!? What? With a 3/4 million pounds pension and 2 thriving children?

He's fortunate to have a great pension and that/if his children do as well as they possibly can under the circumstances - but how does that help his need for housing until he retires, without any claim whatsoever on a lump sum from the equity that they've both built up (him by earning the money and her by caring for the children and enabling him to do so)?

Stripesnomore · 07/10/2020 20:07

If both of you are 50, in five years you can take a quarter of your pensions as a lump sum, which would pay off part of the cost of new houses.

worriedandannoyed · 07/10/2020 20:12

@CruzControl

Just a few points:
  1. How will you afford to run a £500,000 house with no income?
  2. You don't get too dictate whether you get 50/50. You need to accept that he's a parent as much as you are. If you think that 50/50 is bad for your children "because they need continuity" then you should give him full custody. Mothers who think they're entitled to more custody for no reason other than having a vagina destroy the reputation of women who actually try to co-parent and be reasonable.
  3. When you say you're not bothered about anything else, do you mean you'll give him your full pension? Which he can then draw down to purchase a house? If so, how will you support yourself in your old age?
  4. Truthfully, yes, YABU. The house is by far your most valuable asset (as well you know). Your ex would be beyond stupid to give it to you for nothing. Given that he's financially supported you for years (and by your own admission, your decision to stop working was not due to him, the marriage or the children), he should be entitled to far more of the house than you.
What a vile comment. She's done all the child rearing while her ex has been out at work. How would he be able to care for them 100% of the time while still earning 85k??
Notthetoothfairy · 07/10/2020 20:24

@CruzControl

Just a few points:
  1. How will you afford to run a £500,000 house with no income?
  2. You don't get too dictate whether you get 50/50. You need to accept that he's a parent as much as you are. If you think that 50/50 is bad for your children "because they need continuity" then you should give him full custody. Mothers who think they're entitled to more custody for no reason other than having a vagina destroy the reputation of women who actually try to co-parent and be reasonable.
  3. When you say you're not bothered about anything else, do you mean you'll give him your full pension? Which he can then draw down to purchase a house? If so, how will you support yourself in your old age?
  4. Truthfully, yes, YABU. The house is by far your most valuable asset (as well you know). Your ex would be beyond stupid to give it to you for nothing. Given that he's financially supported you for years (and by your own admission, your decision to stop working was not due to him, the marriage or the children), he should be entitled to far more of the house than you.
Agree this is vile. Btw, although I do have a vagina, I would say that my contribution in creating and bringing my children into this world MASSIVELY outweighs the contribution of my husband, even before we get to the question of who looks after them the most and spends more time with them (which would be me).
Lowhangingfruit · 07/10/2020 20:36

See a solicitor, half hour free advice. Pop a claim for cms. Get copies of everything. Be calm detached email everything no text. Keep a paper trail. Dont go by what you think or feel. Go by someone is qualified and has knowledge to do. These battles tend to be ugly in personal experience. Good luck!

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 08/10/2020 01:42

Let's say your husband gives you the house. I bought a flat at age 52 (had to sell the first one) and despite now earning a substantial amount more than him and having a 20% deposit have a horrendously high mortgage because it's over such a short period. He's got no chance of getting himself on the property ladder if he gives the whole thing to you.

Then there's the upkeep. Properties need things doing. We have had our roof fixed and hall fixed and I need my boiler fixed. Furniture wears out, flooring needs replacing, windows get broken. House maintenance goes on and on, and there's insurance too. How will you pay for that?

Then there's cars. The car, the insurance, new tyres, MOTs, tax etc. Getting things fixed on them.

One way or another these things must be paid for. If he does a clean break and gives you the house and let's say your pension and you have 50/50 how will you keep up with these costs? I'm assuming you will be entitled to some benefits, but not masses. They will expect you to sell the house to get much in the way of benefits I think.

And he will be renting desperately trying to save to get back on the property ladder so that won't be an option.

What I'm trying to say is that right now what matters isn't just what you get out of the divorce, it's what you can do to look after yourself and your children for the future.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/10/2020 07:47

The husband has a three quarters of a million pound pension pot. That will return an income of £50k pa for the rest of his life from maybe 60yo. He will be able to get a 25year mortgage.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 08/10/2020 08:12

No it's £75k. Three quarters of a hundred k

arethereanyleftatall · 08/10/2020 08:16

I think those numbers in the op are all thousands.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 08/10/2020 08:17

Sorry I just looked again you are quite right! It's £750k. Hers is £400k. However he's not anywhere near an age of drawing it yet. And it won't pay a mortgage (and leave him with enough to live on) if he's starting now as a property he buys is going to be £500k and he's not got a deposit.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 08/10/2020 08:18

There is a mortgage on the existing property of £50k too

ivfbeenbusy · 08/10/2020 08:25

I actually agree with @CruzControl comments so not sure why they are getting such vitriol back

There is a lot of entitlement expressed by women in a divorce.

OP hasn't addressed how she would maintain a £500k house. Or how she expects her husband to be able to buy a house of equal status - or do women just not care so long as they keep the family home and the largest marital asset?

Most mortgage companies wont allow mortgages to people who only have a pension as their wage. It's unfair to expect him at 60 to then take out a 25 year mortgage and pay for it out of his pension when the OP is sitting pretty in an expensive house whilst keeping her pension all to herself

arethereanyleftatall · 08/10/2020 08:41

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl
I'm in a very similar position to op, but one year down the negotiating line, and what our solicitors and ourselves have agreed on is....sell the family house to release equity for me to buy a smaller house outright and him to have a deposit for a similar sized house. His salary (and or pension im not sure) has allowed him to get a mortgage. He keeps entire pension. He is to pay me spousal maintenance which will cover my bills. The sm agreed was at a level which gives us both our living expenses plus the same amount of disposable income after it.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 08/10/2020 08:49

I think selling the house is the only answer. Both parties have to be able to move forward. £85k gross isn't that much and a mortgage will cost him around 50% of that. He wants somewhere his children can stay and that's not unfair.

Of course some people share the family home and rent small flats elsewhere when it's their exes turn to 'have the kids'. I would hate that personally. But a court may think that is an excellent solution.

I think that the OP just not ever working is a disaster. Houses cost a lot of money to maintain as do teenagers.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/10/2020 08:56

I agree with you.