Raging husband

[natnoonat]

I need help to know if I AIBU.

Husband has raged at me over an opinion we didn't share and it all came spewing out. He hasn't spoken to me for 10 days. I have been told that 'this soon won't be your house'

I have been told that I do 'fuck all'. I'd would like to list out what we do and if my contribution to the household is indeed 'fuck all'.

What he does:

Works 8 hours a day
Cooks all lunches and dinners
Does all food shopping
Does all laundry

What I do:

I am the breadwinner and pay for our mortgage
I am primary childcare for 2DC under 5.
I have set my own business up from scratch so I could be at home with the children and I run this around the children. This is now a million pound turnover business.
So I manage absolutely everything for the children (bath time, bedtime, all schooling needs, all drops offs, night wakes, illness, clothing, play dates, potty training,etc etc)
I tidy the house daily but we have a cleaner once a week for cleaning.
I manage household organisation and storage so keeping cupboards orderly and maintained. Ensure the house doesn't fall to shit basically.

I think there may be more to this vitriol but I really need to know that my contribution to our household isn't worthless as that's what I'm currently feeling.

I'd also like to point out that I looked after both children for 4 months all day, every single day whilst in lockdown and worked on by business in the evenings whilst he did his 8 hours of work daily.

Thank you

Is there an update, two years on @natnoonat?

I need help to know if I AIBU.

Husband has raged at me over an opinion we didn't share and it all came spewing out. He hasn't spoken to me for 10 days.

Everything after this is entirely irrelevant at this point. He hasn't spoken to you in ten days?! That's totally fucked up - you have big issues here.

ZOMBIE 🧟‍♀️

It sounds like a pretty fair division of household jobs. But it also sounds like a lot of work for both of you. Working two full time jobs and doing all the childcare and housework is a lot to share between 2 people (I know lots of us do it! But it's really hard work)

If he's got form for being a dick, then he's probably being a dick. But if he doesn't, then maybe he just can't cope, even though he's doing his "fair" share.

@natnoonat

Thank you everyone! I think I just needed some perspective as I'm internalising it all. I am so upset by it all I literally feel like I'm having a heart attack.

Also to add, there is nothing wrong with working an 8 hour day. But having a set time to dedicate to work uninterrupted by small children is not the same as working whilst having 2 hang off you all day every day.

Thank you everyone. I can sleep well knowing I do have some worth.

You can see how his behaviours are impacting your health, both mental and physical health. I can tell you from experience that this doesn't get better only worse and you do not want to find out the hard way how much worse.

You're fortunate enough to have the means to put a stop to this torture, op. It's not going to be easy but it is going to be worth it. Start making your plans for your own sake as well as your dc.

You both work hard but he does have a point. Would it hurt you to put a load of laundry on occasionally or pick up some food at a supermarket or occasionally cook a meal?

You should reassess your roles imo so there is more sharing of them - he could sometimes share your jobs and you could share his to help with resentment brewing.

Even if you were doing nothing which you are not I would not expect a verbal assault like this. I would expect a rational discussion from a partner.
I think this is about something more than cooking and shopping.

Zombie 🧟‍♀️ zombie 🧟‍♂️ zombie 🧟

@JuanNil

I'd really like to clarify how he has the confidence to tell you that 'this soon won't be your house'? Is he expecting you to move out? Or has he done enough planning to come to the conclusion that you would have to give him the house in the divorce settlement?

It sounds like you need a solicitor, as many others have said here. You need to figure out how to make sure you don't lose everything you've worked so hard for. Perhaps if he realises that he's not just going to land in a pile of money and property after a divorce, he'll start communicating with you.

Honestly, and I know this sounds harsh, but I get the strong feeling that he's seeing somebody else and is looking for a way to leave and keep his luxuries in the process, by making the split acrimonious, your fault and then taking it to court.

I got a shiver too when I heard the comment about the house.

He’s seen a solicitor or looked at what he could take.

Lawyer up and protect yourself

He has no right to stonewall you. None whatsoever. It’s abusive and HE is the one that needs to do one, not you.

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE AAARGH!

Hello OP the problem here isn’t the terms of the argument it is his manner, his language and disrespect, and the fact he knows he’s made you feel so anxious and doesn’t care. I’m sorry about that and I hope you look after yourself.

He doesn't seem nice and he doesn't seem happy.

I'd say you don't do everything for the children if he shops for the food they eat and prepares the food they eat and does their laundry. I think if you are saying this it might be winding him up. Obviously it is unfair to say you do fuck all but it also unfair to say you do absolutely everything for the children.

Doesn't he earn money for the 8 hrs a day work he does? Surely you might be the bigger earner but he must be earning something.

He sulks for 10 days and doesn’t care what impact he has on his family and he isn’t involved at all with the kids. Boot the man child out, he doesn’t deserve to have a family, you and the kids would be better off without him. He knows this, hence the threats.

Zombie! Aaarrghh, how does this happen? What happened in the end @natnoonat?

@GiantHaystacks2021

He sounds very abusive. I would divorce him.

This!

What's with so many zombie threads being thrown up lately ?

Hi all,
We're closing this zombie to new responses now.