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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Raging husband

117 replies

natnoonat · 05/10/2020 22:08

I need help to know if I AIBU.

Husband has raged at me over an opinion we didn't share and it all came spewing out. He hasn't spoken to me for 10 days. I have been told that 'this soon won't be your house'

I have been told that I do 'fuck all'. I'd would like to list out what we do and if my contribution to the household is indeed 'fuck all'.

What he does:

Works 8 hours a day
Cooks all lunches and dinners
Does all food shopping
Does all laundry

What I do:

I am the breadwinner and pay for our mortgage
I am primary childcare for 2DC under 5.
I have set my own business up from scratch so I could be at home with the children and I run this around the children. This is now a million pound turnover business.
So I manage absolutely everything for the children (bath time, bedtime, all schooling needs, all drops offs, night wakes, illness, clothing, play dates, potty training,etc etc)
I tidy the house daily but we have a cleaner once a week for cleaning.
I manage household organisation and storage so keeping cupboards orderly and maintained. Ensure the house doesn't fall to shit basically.

I think there may be more to this vitriol but I really need to know that my contribution to our household isn't worthless as that's what I'm currently feeling.

I'd also like to point out that I looked after both children for 4 months all day, every single day whilst in lockdown and worked on by business in the evenings whilst he did his 8 hours of work daily.

Thank you

OP posts:
BumblebeeBum · 06/10/2020 08:25

I feel for you OP, your home/marriage does not sound a nice place to be right now.

Worth noting that a multi million pound turnover business does not mean multi million pound profit. Depending on overheads and business growth plans it could in fact be providing quite a modest income.

HandfulofDust · 06/10/2020 09:15

You can have a rare LTB from me. There's having a bit of a strop but 10 days is ridiculous! He sounds like he's insecure about you being the breadwinner.

Pickledpie · 24/01/2022 17:43

YANBU, he has shown you who he is - listen

HollowTalk · 24/01/2022 17:46

ZOMBIE THREAD!

toconclude · 24/01/2022 18:00

@cdtaylornats

You have a cleaner He does all the cooking and food shopping He does the laundry

What are you doing that makes you the primary carer?

The above is housework. Not caring or parenting.
GremlinDolphin4 · 24/01/2022 18:07

Been there! Unfortunately the very fact that you are writing out lists of what you do to justify each other means it’s not good. People who behave like your partner is to you are not nice people. Xx

Hawkins001 · 24/01/2022 18:08

Could you look at transferring your business into someone else's name, so he has no claim on it ?

Nanny0gg · 24/01/2022 18:11

As this was Oct 2020 hopefully divorce proceedings are already underway.

T00Ts · 24/01/2022 18:12

I know this is a zombie, but fuck me, the misogyny in this thread is fairly fucking horrendous.

A man is labelled as the ‘breadwinner’, no one says anything, it’s expected. A woman says she is the breadwinner and she’s accused of lauding it over her husband and upsetting him with taunts. This is not a fifty year old thread. What the fuck is going on?!

Hawkins001 · 25/01/2022 00:25

I think I need to read more, I've commented on around 3-4 zombies this morning and yesterday

sst1234 · 25/01/2022 00:44

What’s the backstory here OP?

Flickflak · 25/01/2022 00:52

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

UniversalAunt · 25/01/2022 01:09

‘It soon won’t be your house?’

Odd remark really.
Maybe he has already seen a solicitor,m but somehow a I doubt that as he’d be better informed.

More likely someone has been whispering sweet bollocks in his ear & he thinks that he’s on to something.

He has given you an emotional going-over & you now have feelings of worthlessness - this is not a good landscape for a successful let alone tolerable marriage.
A 10 days sulk is way past unreasonable.
I agree with pps that it is time for you to see a family law specialist so that you are entirely clear about what would happen to your assets if you split & how reasonably you can minimise that liability.

He wants out already, he’s just not very good at getting it done.

UniversalAunt · 25/01/2022 01:10

Blimey! Yes, it’s a proper zombie.
Way past my bedtime!

saraclara · 25/01/2022 01:20

The 10 day bit is awful. But I was thinking the same as this pp.

imagine this post by a man, saying he set up his own business and is the breadwinner, and his wife merely works an 8 hour day and does all his cooking and cleaning

He's doing all the drudge work that we women moan about. It gets us down when we have to do it alone. So why shouldn't he be pissed off too?

But jeeze. Ten days not speaking to you. Yeah, this isn't going to end well.

saraclara · 25/01/2022 01:21

Oh bum. Caught in a zombie trap.

Lucycantdance · 25/01/2022 01:31

You don't need to justify anything. "this soon won't be your house" - to me that would be the end. Sorry OP xx

1forAll74 · 25/01/2022 01:57

Why would all this anger and resentment from your Husband, make him say that this won't be your house soon. Is it because you both argue a lot, about who does what in the house, and everything has now got out of hand.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 25/01/2022 02:17

Hire a housekeeper/cook to do the meals and food shopping and laundry. Then he can take his earnings and rent a bachelor pad. See a solicitor before he does. Make sure your name is on everything and payments come out of your private account not a joint one.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 25/01/2022 02:19

He sounds very abusive.
I would divorce him.

Justilou1 · 25/01/2022 02:30

I am assuming you have been paying mortgage via direct debit from your own account and this is traceable. If from a joint account, sort that out immediately. In fact, stop paying into joint account entirely. If mortgage MUST come from joint account, transfer that amount only, and label it “Mortgage Pmt” as you do. Make sure every payment to do with running of household from your accounts is labeled. You’re going to need everything clearly traceable. Your DH has shriveling dick syndrome and I suspect this has more to do with something one of his mates or colleagues has said about his “lucky” he is rather than you.

WildPoinsettia · 25/01/2022 02:39

@Casmama

Household organisation and storage 🤣🤣🤣.

Sorry, the silent treatment for 10 days is shit it it sounds like he does the running of the household and you look after the children while you both work. Sounds fairly equal to me and your point about being eh breadwinner might be a bit grating.

No it doesn't sound like he runs the household.

House organization and storage is obviously what most people would call life admin and tidying up after everyone. It's ongoing and time consuming. As much as laundry and being in charge of food is. So kind of equal on chores.

But...

He does his fixed hours and his chores then has downtime. OP has no downtime ever and is on duty in one form or another 24/7 due to doing 100% of the parenting even while OP is trying to work. So OP is doing the most.

OP he sounds jealous and as though he's planning to divorce you. You should protect yourself, two solicitors business and family, as already mentioned by PP. If he doesn't divorce you, then divorce him because he's clearly threatening you and that's not ok at all. This hasn't come out of nowhere, if it was a stand alone event you'd be outraged at the obvious injustice of his words and attitude. Not questioning yourself and feeling worthless. He's been working upto this, I'd say, chipping away at your confidence, but it's only this big thing you've noticed.

I'm wondering how it happened that you became a SAHM. Maybe his intention was you being financially dependent on him for control reasons and with your successful business that's backfired.

Whatever else is going on, he sounds like he doesn't even like you at all. Or your children, since he apparently has no interest in parenting them. Does he do the Disney Dad thing or just ignores their existence?

WildPoinsettia · 25/01/2022 02:47

@1forAll74

Why would all this anger and resentment from your Husband, make him say that this won't be your house soon. Is it because you both argue a lot, about who does what in the house, and everything has now got out of hand.
I'd guess he's already got himself a divorce solicitor and is trying to threaten OP to make her feel bad and get her to agree 50/50 is reasonable, then planning to say he'll let her keep her business if she gives him the house. Most probably raging because he's been told by solicitor he's not going to get 50/50!
WildPoinsettia · 25/01/2022 02:50

@HollowTalk

ZOMBIE THREAD!
Oh blooming heck Confused why do people raise zombies? Bizarre.
Marchitectmummy · 25/01/2022 04:31

My thoughts are your husband has the short straw here and its been building up. I would much rather look after my children and enjoy them than do the shopping and cooking. Ultimately because I had children to enjoy them but really don't enjoy the chores of life.

Also don't compare the success of your business with his job. You are both working, the fact one is more lucrative than the other at this moment shouldn't undermine the others contribution.

I'm not saying you aren't pulling your weight you are, but perhaps speak to your husband and redistribute so thwt you both look after the children and both do some of the monotonous tasks.

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