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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Raging husband

117 replies

natnoonat · 05/10/2020 22:08

I need help to know if I AIBU.

Husband has raged at me over an opinion we didn't share and it all came spewing out. He hasn't spoken to me for 10 days. I have been told that 'this soon won't be your house'

I have been told that I do 'fuck all'. I'd would like to list out what we do and if my contribution to the household is indeed 'fuck all'.

What he does:

Works 8 hours a day
Cooks all lunches and dinners
Does all food shopping
Does all laundry

What I do:

I am the breadwinner and pay for our mortgage
I am primary childcare for 2DC under 5.
I have set my own business up from scratch so I could be at home with the children and I run this around the children. This is now a million pound turnover business.
So I manage absolutely everything for the children (bath time, bedtime, all schooling needs, all drops offs, night wakes, illness, clothing, play dates, potty training,etc etc)
I tidy the house daily but we have a cleaner once a week for cleaning.
I manage household organisation and storage so keeping cupboards orderly and maintained. Ensure the house doesn't fall to shit basically.

I think there may be more to this vitriol but I really need to know that my contribution to our household isn't worthless as that's what I'm currently feeling.

I'd also like to point out that I looked after both children for 4 months all day, every single day whilst in lockdown and worked on by business in the evenings whilst he did his 8 hours of work daily.

Thank you

OP posts:
Casmama · 05/10/2020 23:19

Household organisation and storage 🤣🤣🤣.

Sorry, the silent treatment for 10 days is shit it it sounds like he does the running of the household and you look after the children while you both work. Sounds fairly equal to me and your point about being eh breadwinner might be a bit grating.

LunaLula83 · 05/10/2020 23:20

Do you even need this boy around?

MountIronSolo01 · 05/10/2020 23:21

But not all of your things are day in day out. All the cooking is more than that, it’s planning and purchasing too which is thankless. The laundry is just monotonous never ending drudgery. My husband does ‘important’ things in the house and is the breadwinner but I seem to get stuck with the cooking and laundry which can be soul destroying as it never stops.

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/10/2020 23:31

I’m assuming from your second comment that your role as primary carer of your children includes care during the day and you don’t have nursery places or anyone coming in to help, in which case, YANBU at all. Childcare of two under 5s is exhausting all by itself and you’re running a business and tidying up on top of that too. He sounds like he’s working hard as well (8 hour work day, presumably a commute, shopping, cooking, laundry it’s not a small amount) and maybe you could both do with more help around the house. But to say you do nothing sounds like he’s completely forgetting that childcare is, in fact, hard work, time consuming and cuts out a huge amount of flexibility even when they aren’t demandIng your full on attention.

10 days is a long time to sulk and the accusation you do nothing is self-centered and not at all loving. But if things had been good before kids I would think about looking for more help around the house and trying counseling to see if relieving the stress on both of you and improving communication could make your marriage work again.

crimsonclover · 05/10/2020 23:34

Sounds like he doing a huge amount of the daily drudgery tbh, and tidying drawers and potty training sounds like you're reaching. How often are you're children ill, and how often do they wake at night? You're contribution seems based on your achievements and earnings while in sounds like the daily grind.

twilightermummy · 05/10/2020 23:35

What * OhioOhioOhio* said.
That is some good advice right there op.

Elizaaa · 05/10/2020 23:37

I'd like to know what part-time business can turn a million inside 5 years 🤔

AntiSocialDistancer · 05/10/2020 23:41

Has he had a big personality change or has he always been a twat?

Semi serious, just wondering if he needs to see a GP.

Takemetothebar · 05/10/2020 23:45

The ten day sulking is ludicrous bad behavior.

But he sounds like he does a lot. Quite a bit of childcare and the effort involved is the cooking and laundry etc. which he does.

Your kids will be at school or pre school soon enough and he’s still goin to be shopping, washing and cooking.

I’m not saying you’ve had it easy, but I don’t think I believe he has either. 8 hours a day is a 40 hour week, a little more than full time, and he’s washing cooking and shopping for four people every day.

toilet · 05/10/2020 23:58

Your doing all the childcare whilst running a business, why not outsource childcare?

MsKeats · 06/10/2020 00:02

Get a solicitor and serve him divorce papers. It soon won't be his house...............

Nanny0gg · 06/10/2020 00:04

@Takemetothebar

The ten day sulking is ludicrous bad behavior.

But he sounds like he does a lot. Quite a bit of childcare and the effort involved is the cooking and laundry etc. which he does.

Your kids will be at school or pre school soon enough and he’s still goin to be shopping, washing and cooking.

I’m not saying you’ve had it easy, but I don’t think I believe he has either. 8 hours a day is a 40 hour week, a little more than full time, and he’s washing cooking and shopping for four people every day.

What childcare? Other than feeding them.

And can I just ask, no matter how hard they or their partners work outside the home, how many women on here do the shopping, cooking and washing?

I would guess, most of them. So why is what this man doing so exceptional?

Staffy1 · 06/10/2020 00:10

@crimsonclover

Sounds like he doing a huge amount of the daily drudgery tbh, and tidying drawers and potty training sounds like you're reaching. How often are you're children ill, and how often do they wake at night? You're contribution seems based on your achievements and earnings while in sounds like the daily grind.
Oh come on, doesn't laundry equate to sticking things in the washing machine and ironing things that really need it? Kids bath time and bed time routines, all the home work and school runs can take quite a bit of time, plus OP is running her own business and does the general day to day tidying. I would say they are both doing a fair amount.
JuanNil · 06/10/2020 00:11

I'd really like to clarify how he has the confidence to tell you that 'this soon won't be your house'? Is he expecting you to move out? Or has he done enough planning to come to the conclusion that you would have to give him the house in the divorce settlement?

It sounds like you need a solicitor, as many others have said here. You need to figure out how to make sure you don't lose everything you've worked so hard for. Perhaps if he realises that he's not just going to land in a pile of money and property after a divorce, he'll start communicating with you.

Honestly, and I know this sounds harsh, but I get the strong feeling that he's seeing somebody else and is looking for a way to leave and keep his luxuries in the process, by making the split acrimonious, your fault and then taking it to court.

JuanNil · 06/10/2020 00:15

@crimsonclover

Sounds like he doing a huge amount of the daily drudgery tbh, and tidying drawers and potty training sounds like you're reaching. How often are you're children ill, and how often do they wake at night? You're contribution seems based on your achievements and earnings while in sounds like the daily grind.

Funny that. Because that's normally how marriages work, but with the woman doing the drudgery. And nobody ever expects a working mum who also does all 'the boring stuff' at home to suddenly start shrieking and throwing all her toys out of the pram. She gets on with it and is called a Wonder Woman. A man gets a blankie and a pat on the back and told his life isn't fair and that he should demand more.

NiceGerbil · 06/10/2020 00:18

Irrespective of the actual disagreement

There are 2 under 5s in the house and he has been giving you the cold shoulder/ not speaking to you at all/ anything for 10 whole days?

That is really not ok for the children.

I can't stand sulkers. Never been out with one but have friends who have. 10 fucking days.

That's awful.

rainkeepsfallingdown · 06/10/2020 00:19

It sounds like you both work hard, and you both have reasons to be stressed, but his behaviour is not normal.

You need to find out why he's really so upset. Does he want to change who does which household duties? He looks after the kids more and you cook more? That kind of swap is achievable.

Or - and this sounds more likely to me - something else is wrong. Maybe there's something big going on at work (does he think his job is at risk?), or a family member is unwell - but something has set him off in this way, and it needs to be addressed.

BoomBoomsCousin · 06/10/2020 00:20

“ Kids bath time and bed time routines, all the home work and school runs can take quite a bit of time, ”

It’s much more than this even. It’s not school runs and homework. The OP has two children under 5. That is full time childcare all day, all week. Yes, she may be able to get 30 minutes here and there when they watch a program on TV or if they take a nap. And she may be able to do some work while keeping half an eye on them while they play in the garden. But 2 under 5 is a full time job that most dual income families pay another person to do.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 06/10/2020 00:25

Why don't you have a nanny ?

ScribblingMilly · 06/10/2020 00:27

Why are you diminishing your husband's not inconsiderable domestic input while over-egging your own? Why are your achievements with your business presented as amazing while he just 'works for eight hours a day'. Why are you 'the breadwinner' rather than the main breadwinner - does your husband make zero contribution to the household income? You both sound very hard-working and are both putting admirable effort into building a shared life - it's a shame you don't seem to value or respect each other at the moment. You should talk.

BoomBoomsCousin · 06/10/2020 01:14

@ScribblingMilly

Why are you diminishing your husband's not inconsiderable domestic input while over-egging your own? Why are your achievements with your business presented as amazing while he just 'works for eight hours a day'. Why are you 'the breadwinner' rather than the main breadwinner - does your husband make zero contribution to the household income? You both sound very hard-working and are both putting admirable effort into building a shared life - it's a shame you don't seem to value or respect each other at the moment. You should talk.
The OP wasn’t asking if her DH did nothing. She hasn’t claimed he doesn’t pull his weight at any point. She was querying his pronouncement that she did nothing. So he domestic input is what is relevant to the question, not his.

Why are you expecting a woman who has been maligned by her husband and comes on MN looking for support to be his cheerleader? That’s kind of nasty.

BoomBoomsCousin · 06/10/2020 01:14
  • her domestic input, not he.
Singinginshower · 06/10/2020 05:04

How often are your children in nursery or other childcare OP?

musicalfrog · 06/10/2020 07:08

Is he still feeding you and washing your clothes whilst giving you the silent treatment?

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 06/10/2020 07:18

It sounds like he doesnt want to be married to you anymore for whatever reason which is hard for us to know, let alone you if he wont even talk to you. It seems he's using this disagreement as an excuse to cause a big rift . ( been there!)
You have to think of the kids this isnt good for them , you dont sound like you are financially bound to him so I would start the practicalities to separate. Unless of course you were both blissfully happy until 10 days ago but I suspect this is not the case .
Sorry this is happening to you OP, the break down of a family is not an easy thing

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