Raging husband

[natnoonat]

I need help to know if I AIBU.

Husband has raged at me over an opinion we didn't share and it all came spewing out. He hasn't spoken to me for 10 days. I have been told that 'this soon won't be your house'

I have been told that I do 'fuck all'. I'd would like to list out what we do and if my contribution to the household is indeed 'fuck all'.

What he does:

Works 8 hours a day
Cooks all lunches and dinners
Does all food shopping
Does all laundry

What I do:

I am the breadwinner and pay for our mortgage
I am primary childcare for 2DC under 5.
I have set my own business up from scratch so I could be at home with the children and I run this around the children. This is now a million pound turnover business.
So I manage absolutely everything for the children (bath time, bedtime, all schooling needs, all drops offs, night wakes, illness, clothing, play dates, potty training,etc etc)
I tidy the house daily but we have a cleaner once a week for cleaning.
I manage household organisation and storage so keeping cupboards orderly and maintained. Ensure the house doesn't fall to shit basically.

I think there may be more to this vitriol but I really need to know that my contribution to our household isn't worthless as that's what I'm currently feeling.

I'd also like to point out that I looked after both children for 4 months all day, every single day whilst in lockdown and worked on by business in the evenings whilst he did his 8 hours of work daily.

Thank you

[natnoonat]

Thank you everyone! I think I just needed some perspective as I'm internalising it all. I am so upset by it all I literally feel like I'm having a heart attack.

Also to add, there is nothing wrong with working an 8 hour day. But having a set time to dedicate to work uninterrupted by small children is not the same as working whilst having 2 hang off you all day every day.

Thank you everyone. I can sleep well knowing I do have some worth.

[essexmum777]

You need to see a solicitor OP, please protect yourself.

[Davespecifico]

I think he sounds awful. Sorry you have had to put up with this horrible onslaught.

[Asterion]

You need to see two types of solicitor - a family law solicitor, and a corporate solicitor, to protect you and your business. Best of luck, he sounds awful.

[BrummyMum1]

It’s really common to argue over who does what especially when there are young children involved and you’re both working hard. What isn’t common is being ignored for 10 days. What a petulant child.

[Heffalooomia]

He sounds like a dick

[OhioOhioOhio]

I lived like you do. It's so hard to see it. You feel like you have to wait tip they turn that corner and it all gets back to normal. He's training you up to question yourself and obey him.

[Fortunategirl]

Ignored for 10 days!! What on Earth was the fight about? That’s ridiculous. Why can’t you agree to disagree? Is this the first time he’s pulled this stunt? And go you! Million pound turnover business with two young kids! Wow. Wow. You’re incredible.

[ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore]

He sounds like a selfish, entitled, deluded dick.

I'd be careful and get legal advice about your business. It doesn't sound like a healthy marriage.

[tenlittlecygnets]

Sounds like his ego is bruised if he's having to do the washing, shopping and cooking... 🙄

Seriously, he sounds abusive. I'd get your ducks in a row.

[studychick81]

You say you are the breadwinner but he must earn too as he works. Do you just mean you earn more?

I think his list does sound a lot as he's working full time too. Sorry but the distribution of jobs sounds uneven. But I wouldn't say you do shit all.

[cdtaylornats]

You have a cleaner
He does all the cooking and food shopping
He does the laundry

What are you doing that makes you the primary carer?

[FortunesFave]

Get legal advice and start divorce proceedings. Don't let him catch you on the back foot. Look at protecting your assets and money immediately.

That's not to say he shouldn't get some share of the property of course but how much is up for debate since the children will likely stay with you.

[Purplewithred]

You had me at "he hasn't spoken to me for 10 days".

He does do a lot and I think you have to give him some credit for that. And if he's never had to manage the kids + associated mental load while working he will hugely underestimate how much work it is. I also take it you don't appear to be working as many hours on your business as he has to work, and it might appear as if you're just snapping your fingers and the money comes rolling in.

But 10 days sulk? really? is he not prepared to have a discussion about it at all? have you tried to talk to him about it?

[123becauseicouldntthinkofone]

So basically, he works a full time job (you dont mention your own hours but given its your own business i presume it is probably longer than 8 hours) he makes food and does the washing well whoop di dooo. If he didnt sound like a complete tit i would say fair enough but you still have the lions share. It sounds a bit of jealousy given he has threatened you financially being the petty sod i am i would probably reply saying not a problem you want to go that route i can afford a better solicitor than you but before i get jumped on that isnt the route to go ha ha. As you say there is definitely more to it so not sure if drip feed and he has hinted at other things and has he behaved like this in the past? If you want to work at it maybe try counselling but personally i would never be threatened to make me feel like i am walking on eggshells x

[justasking111]

You are an instagrammer influencer perhaps

[OverTheRubicon]

@cdtaylornats you notably left childcare off your list. Presumably doing all the childcare makes the OP the primary carer

[DarkDarkNight]

Your post honestly sounds condescending towards him. He’s not doing too badly if he’s working full time, doing all lunches and dinners, all food shopping and all laundry. He’s ensuring the house doesn’t ‘fall to shit’ too. Calling yourself the breadwinner is horrible, he is earning too, is that not valid? If a man said that on here he’d be jumped on from a great height.

[ScreamingBeans]

@cdtaylornats

You have a cleaner
He does all the cooking and food shopping
He does the laundry

What are you doing that makes you the primary carer?

LOL, that's a bloke speaking.

Because obviously, cleaning, cooking, shopping and laundry is all there is to child-care.

[UserABCDE12345]

It sounds like he does a fair amount tbh. And you cannot count things like potty training fgs. Once it's done, it's done unlike laundry which is never ending. How many cupboards exactly do you have that you have to keep tidying them?

This is MN though and you are female so clearly you will automatically be in the right.

[musicalfrog]

He sounds pretty awful, but so do you OP.

[MotherofTerriers]

Get yourself to a good lawyer and make sure you protect your house and business. Even if you decide not to LTB yet

[Singinginshower]

This is MN though and you are female so clearly you will automatically be in the right

We cannot assume the OP is female

[MilkOfThePuppy]

It does sound like he does a good bit around the house, tbh, but of course you have worth, and you're contributing a great deal if you do all the child-care and are paying off the mortgage. Maybe the split of who does what needs to be renegotiated, but that's beside the point if he's treating you like crap.

It's one thing to blow up every now and then, but to not speak to you for 10 days after means that something is really wrong. I'd be preparing for the worst and considering whether you want to stay together, even if he does.

[thepeopleversuswork]

DarkDarkNight

"Calling yourself the breadwinner is horrible, he is earning too, is that not valid? If a man said that on here he’d be jumped on from a great height"


Breadwinner literally means the primary earner. Which very clearly is the OP. What's horrible about that? She's stating a fact.

Some really unpleasant female on female mysoginy on display here as well: OP accused of being "condescending" by pointing out she's the higher earner.

If she were taunting him with this or using it as an excuse to do nothing in the home it would be one thing. In actual fact he's thrown a world class strop at her, apparently about nothing, because he clearly feels threatened.

I think you just aren't comfortable with the idea of a woman out-earning her partner.