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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my husband to do more

79 replies

GracieJ25 · 05/10/2020 14:20

We have a 4 month old baby girl. I am currently on maternity leave and we have both decided that I will be a sahm whilst she is little.
I am ebf so my husband can't help out with the nightfeeds at all which is fine. I also think it's fair that, because he works, I get up with our daughter so he can lie in a little and she is up really early.
This is fair enough but I literally do everything. Baby is still waking up frequently throughout the night and doesn't nap well in the day so I am constantly exhausted. I play with her all day,
which I love of course but my god it is tiring. I change the majority of her nappies, bath her, try and do all the housework all myself. DH will take her if I ask but other than that he generally let's me get on with it. I have tried telling him how exhausted I am and I once asked if he would get up with her so I could have a lie in. He said yes but didn't do it and said it was his day off I never get a day off. He says he wants to help me but doesn't-only I specifically ask for something.
I have zero time for myself. Ever. On his days off he trains for hours then has a bath then is tired from training and complains. Not a thought to how exhausted I am having not slept properly in 4 months and constantly looking after our baby. Don't get me wrong, he really is a lovely husband and father to our baby-he adores us both but I am starting to feel resentful. Seems he is thinking about his own needs a little too much.
Is this how it should be? If I am staying at home is it fair to expect that I do the very large majority of childcare and housework or should I ask him to do more?

OP posts:

picosandsancerre · 05/10/2020 14:25

Sorry but I would be changing my plans and be going back to work. SAHM doesnt mean your DH stops parenting his own baby or supporting his exhausted wife while she adapts to a new baby and sleepless nights.

You shouldnt have to be asking him to contribute to family life and stop saying he is 'helping'. You both had a DC, you both decided you would SAH. Sadly it would appear you both had differing views of what that should look like. you need to have a very fierce conversation about this and make clear this arrangement is no longer working for you. discuss your expectations as an equal partner in this marriage and that this situation has to change.

pepsicolagirl · 05/10/2020 14:27

You are acting as the primary care giver for your baby. That does not include the housework.

Sit down and talk about this. Draw up a clear rota of duties if you need to. Don't let it continue though.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 05/10/2020 14:30

How is he a lovely dh and df?
Doesn't seem so imo.

HermioneKipper · 05/10/2020 14:33

If he’s getting a full nights sleep why can’t he get up early with the baby and take her downstairs so you get some sleep before having to deal with her all day. Quite frankly going to work is a hell of a lot easier than parenting all day. Many men just seem to opt out when the baby is breastfed and use it as an excuse.

He sounds lazy

coconutpie · 05/10/2020 14:34

"I am ebf so my husband can't help out with the nightfeeds at all which is fine. I also think it's fair that, because he works, I get up with our daughter so he can lie in a little and she is up really early.*"
*
You do realise that you are also working but you are working 24/7. It is you that needs the lie-in, not him. Also, he can help out at night - if baby needs their nappy changed, he can do that so you don't have to get up out of the bed. That way you can concentrate on breastfeeding.

As for all this training ... he has a 4 month old newborn, he can't be training right now if he's not pulling his weight at home and has a wife that has zero sleep.

Liveandforget · 05/10/2020 14:34

As pp said, how is he lovely? He's lazy and selfish. It's time he stepped up and parented his child. Raise the bar op, divide up tasks and have a day at weekends where you each get a lie in/hobby time/me time

KatharinaRosalie · 05/10/2020 14:36

he really is a lovely husband and father to our baby-he adores us both

How does he express this adoration? He won't do anything with his baby, he won't help his exhausted wife in any way - how is he lovely and adoring?

LiveFromHome · 05/10/2020 14:39

Don't get me wrong, he really is a lovely husband and father to our baby

Why do women insist on posting paragraphs about what a useless fukcing gobshite their partner is, both as a partner and a parent, and then throw in a sentence after it all about how they're a lovely/wonderful/amazing father and husband.

He's not. He's a really really selfish shit.

Don't have any more children with him.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/10/2020 14:39

You need to just sit him down and tell him how things are going to be.

"DH, as of tomorrow, you are bathing dd every night. I will feed her before and after. Also, please let me know whether you would prefer the Saturday or Sunday lay in. I will take the other one. On my lie in day, I'll feed dd when she wakes and then you take her straight downstairs. I'll be up and ready for her next feed at 10(eg). I'll keep on top of what I can round the house during the week but I need you to change our sheets once a week, and vacuum the ground floor, as that's a couple less thing for me to worry about"

Then just start handing dd over for her bath and handing her over on the weekend lay in morning.

Lockheart · 05/10/2020 14:40

You need to split the weekends up so you both get one day to rest and get some time to yourselves. That way you're both working 6 days with one day off.

If he chooses to go training on his day off, that's up to him.

Can you express so that he can handle the feeding for a day?

KatharinaRosalie · 05/10/2020 14:40

And no it's definitely not how it should be. Any actually caring father would take the baby and give the mum who has been up all night a lie in. He would also want to spend his free time with baby, not disappear to do his own stuff for his entire time off.

You are not on holiday, you are taking care of a tiny baby. What are his working hours, 8 hours per day? Well, during this time, you are also working and taking care of the baby. Rest of the time, that task and the rest of the housework needs to be shared (factoring in all the night time wake ups you do), and you both should have equal free time and lie ins.

AnotherBoredOne · 05/10/2020 14:41

You need to stop this now. Equal share of care or you leave.
Do not leave your job.

unmarkedbythat · 05/10/2020 14:43

Don't be a SAHM. If you as a couple want your child to always have a parent at home, fine, but both of you working part time achieves that and means neither of you can mentally assign all child and housework tasks to the other. Share the load.

Original poster

GracieJ25 · 05/10/2020 14:44

Ok yeah I made him sound awful.
He is away a fair bit with work so I kind of naturally do all the housework myself and he just doesn't seem to notice when things need doing. I've noticed it even more now we have a baby. He has said in the past I should do a rota. Might have to it just annoys me that he can't see what needs doing and just do it without being told.
Thanks for the replies so far-It is probably really naive of me, I just have no idea what the role of a sahm is. But you are right that he should be helping me out when he isn't at work.
It is upsetting that he doesn't offer when he sees me struggling.

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 05/10/2020 14:48

In my opinion that is not how it should be; I’m on maternity leave with my second baby and when DH gets home from work in the week he cooks dinner and before he goes to work he empties the dishwasher and his work clothes getting washed are his responsibility.
At the weekends he gets up up with both children on both days as I’m up in the night all week; once the baby is sleeping through we’ll go back to taking it in turns on the weekend. I probably still end up doing more at the weekends for our DC as I sort out their meals although mainly because I’m the one who plans their food but I’ll ask my DH to do things like bath the kids or put them down for naps. I do more of the housework because I’m home more but we also pay to have a cleaner to help with that (probably more because DH doesn’t want to have to do more) and that’s fine with me.
I think in the first year you set the tone for how things will be so I’d act now; tell him that on the weekends he’s getting up with the baby rather than ask him, agree what jobs are his to do around the house and don’t keep enabling him (feed the baby and then give her to him and shut yourself in the bathroom for an hour or go out so that he gets used to)

KatharinaRosalie · 05/10/2020 14:53

he should be helping me out
No, he should not be helping, he should be doing his share. His home and his baby too.

Tootletum · 05/10/2020 14:56

Sorry but all men need specific instructions. I also hate it, as I don't know why it isn't obvious, but tbh I feel very differently with three kids than I do with one. I don't think him not doing housework is anywhere near as much of an issue as him doing his own hobbies rather than spending time with you at weekends. It's a bit weird.

When I was on mat leave I got angry if he tried to help with the housework, because I viewed it as a criticism and wanted to do everything so that we could have relaxing time together. Whereas now: geez man, can you not see the overflowing washing basket right next to the washing machine??! Empty the bins! Do the dishwasher! Get the kids out of bed! I basically spend all my time barking orders...

LiveFromHome · 05/10/2020 14:57

I once asked if he would get up with her so I could have a lie in. He said yes but didn't do it and said it was his day off

That is not him being oblivious to how exhausted you are and not realising you need a sleep in. That is him being explicitly asked to help, in a very clear way - and him not giving a fuck and not doing what he was asked to do.

I don't think a rota will help, I mean if he ignores a very explicit "DH can you get up with DD tomorrow morning please, I'm exhausted and need to catch up on a few hours sleep" he's going to give zero fucks about a piece of paper stuck to the fridge.

I'd be looking at going back to work if I were you. It's a big mistake to make yourself financially reliable on this selfish man.

Cocomarine · 05/10/2020 15:00

He’s not a lovely husband and he’s not a good father.
Nip it in the bed NOW.

Do that rota.
Don’t have another child if he doesn’t change.
Keep your options open - don’t become a SAHM, go back to work after your maternity is over.

AgentJohnson · 05/10/2020 15:02

Make a rota! I remember my Ex giving me that tip and then adding insult to injury, by promptly ignoring it because he thought I should always bare the responsibility for his laziness.

Stop making excuses for your twat of an H. It’s not that he doesn’t see the mess or you struggling, it’s that a) he doesn’t care enough to b) knows that you will always pick up his slack. He doesn’t appreciate the stuff you do because he expects it, you should take a few notes from his playbook.

He’s sadly just another man who thinks being a SAHM = no domestic or parenting responsibilities for himself. You need to think long and hard about the vulnerable position you’re just walked yourself into.

Christ, it’s 2020 and women are still readily accepting this bullshit.

Chantelli · 05/10/2020 15:03

I think you need to radically reset things as advised by taking control, making a rota and setting limits and boundaries for what you will do in terms of house work.

sofato5miles · 05/10/2020 15:04

He's got it all set up so it suits him. Tell him that you are going back to work and parent/ home duties will be split down the middle. I"d be inteterested in just how horrified he would be at the thought..

This will only get worse and you will never recover your financial independence and will be tied miserably to him.

KnitFastDieWarm · 05/10/2020 15:04

Sorry but all men need specific instructions

This right here is the sort of enabling bullshit that allows men to behave like overgrown children in heterosexual relationships.

I’m damn sure all these men who ‘can’t’ participate in the care of their children and home without step by step handholding manage perfectly well at work. Funny that

ahhanotheryear · 05/10/2020 15:10

Just hand him the baby and say I'm having a lie in/bath/evening off. If he doesn't do it then you have a problem.
Mine only sees that certain things need doing feed children/change children/keep house warm solid fuel heating so it does require effort/ vacuum floors/all gardening. He has to be reminded about other jobs and he wouldn't notice a rota if it bit him. Think about what he does do and gradually add jobs slowly so he doesn't notice.

Yaty · 05/10/2020 15:10

He shouldn't be helping you, he should be parenting his child. He sounds selfish not oblivious please stop making excuses for him. There's no reason why you couldn't express a bottle before bed so he could do one of the night feeds. Or why he cant take the baby on the weekend mornings so you can get some rest. As for housework being a sahm is about looking after the child full time, it does not mean you are cleaner, cook and other misc skivvy duties.

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