To expect my husband to do more

[GracieJ25]

We have a 4 month old baby girl. I am currently on maternity leave and we have both decided that I will be a sahm whilst she is little.
I am ebf so my husband can't help out with the nightfeeds at all which is fine. I also think it's fair that, because he works, I get up with our daughter so he can lie in a little and she is up really early.
This is fair enough but I literally do everything. Baby is still waking up frequently throughout the night and doesn't nap well in the day so I am constantly exhausted. I play with her all day,
which I love of course but my god it is tiring. I change the majority of her nappies, bath her, try and do all the housework all myself. DH will take her if I ask but other than that he generally let's me get on with it. I have tried telling him how exhausted I am and I once asked if he would get up with her so I could have a lie in. He said yes but didn't do it and said it was his day off I never get a day off. He says he wants to help me but doesn't-only I specifically ask for something.
I have zero time for myself. Ever. On his days off he trains for hours then has a bath then is tired from training and complains. Not a thought to how exhausted I am having not slept properly in 4 months and constantly looking after our baby. Don't get me wrong, he really is a lovely husband and father to our baby-he adores us both but I am starting to feel resentful. Seems he is thinking about his own needs a little too much.
Is this how it should be? If I am staying at home is it fair to expect that I do the very large majority of childcare and housework or should I ask him to do more?

Have a 5 month old.
Your dh sounds an ass

I also breastfed and baby refuses bottle. Dh is working and I am on maternity so yes I do do a lot more baby stuff.

But.. Dh works 9-6pm, so I roughly ‘work’ full time baby related 9-6pm mon- fri. Nighttime’s, early mornings, weekends it’s a shared parenting as much as possible. If baby wakes at night ( he does 3-4 times!), Dh will get up and get him from cot so I have a minute to wake and get comfy with pillows to feed. If baby won’t settle after long feed, Dh will walk the room at night as well rocking him. Bathtimes, playtime, nappies, balancing eating meals with one hand are all shared during Dhs ‘non working time’.
Dh also has to share the mental load of remembering anything baby related.

Why do you expect to be working 24/7 alone as your a sahp? You stay home surely instead of sending baby to childcare. Paid childcare would only be daytime whilst you both worked, not all night, early mornings and weekends.

My youngest was ebf she is now 14 months and still bf during the night. I’m also a sahm and we also have a 4 year old.

From 8 weeks when the girls started to bath together DH has done bath time. I rarely change a nappy when DH is around as he always does them because he doesn’t do night feeds. I would have naps at the weekend as needed.

I would say it’s very easy to fall into the trap if you doing the majority of stuff but it doesn’t have to be this way.

Shit your comments have made me feel ridiculous! You are so right. I think he has just got used to me doing it all and thinks that, because he has a demanding job, he is equally tired but when he is home it totally needs to be even if I am doing it all day. I have let him get away with it. But he should just do it naturally.

I tried expressing ages ago but didn't make a lot so kind of gave up. Guess I could try again.

Gonna have a massive chat. Feel fuming now and can't believe I thought this could be normal.

Sorry but all men need specific instructions.

Of course the poor bumbling darlings to, they could not manage to even tie their shoelaces if wives didn't point it out for them. That's why there are no men in higher positions, earning money, running companies and governments, right?

He (and you) needs to stop seeing it as him helping you. If anyone, it would be helping dd.

@KnitFastDieWarm yeah OK well it's nice that yours does stuff you want doing. Mine does stuff too, but not really the stuff I want doing. He does 1 thing absolutely perfectly, as opposed to getting through the jobs. What's wrong with talking to him about what needs doing (as opposed to him folding washing insanely neatly for hours) and negotiating a process that works for both of us??

Don't get me wrong, he really is a lovely husband and father to our baby
Why do people persist in saying these things? He is NOT a lovely husband and father; he CBA looking after his own child and doesn't seem to notice/care that his wife is exhausted.

OP, just tell him to step the fuck up and do his share. If he says he doesn't know what to do/doesn't notice mess etc, ask him if he encountered the same problems at work and, if so, how he overcame them.

Sorry but all men need specific instructions.
This kind of shit perpetuates a very damaging myth.

@KatharinaRosalie I earn nearly twice what he does, and spend my working days telling grown men and indeed women what to do. I've often thought my whole job shouldn't exist, because what to do is blindingly obvious, but apparently it isn't.

Until we all stop going on about how there is a single way for the sexes to relate well to each other, we won't get far. The sledgehammer instructions work well for me, both personally and professionally. They don't for others - OK fine.

I’m embarrassed for all the women here wittering on about their shit choice in males needing little rotas and lists done to function on a bare minimum level. If anyone has selected such a misogynistic, feeble man get him to do his own little rota, he can figure it out with his man brain once the fridge is empty and he has no clean clothes 🙄 I wish women would stop allowing themselves to be treated as servile appliances.

For goodness sake DO NOT BECOME A SAHM IN THIS SITUATION!!! Read the countless threads on here with women like you who are five or ten years down the line. Your husband will see you as the domestic slave around the clock which is his given right because he pays the bills, you’ll give up all independence and earning potential for someone who treats you like shit and you’ll end up stuck and utterly, utterly miserable. And if you have a chat now and he bucks up his ideas for a bit, don’t assume things have changed until it has lasted for quite some time. This is absolutely the epitome of a case where being a SAHM will leave you completely fucked. It simply can’t work when the employed spouse doesn’t recognise that you need to clock off at some point too. He is lazy, entitled and a shit father. Look after your own interests until he proves he’s capable of acting like a reasonable husband and father and that does not involve giving up your job.

Sorry OP but he sounds like a dick - a good husband and father would notice how exhausted you are and should not need telling to support you. My DD is 11 months now and I am now a SAHM. My job is to take care of her during working hours. Our shared responsibility towards her continues for the rest of the day/night! DH (admittedly working from home) takes her every morning from around 5 after I've fed her so I can give back to sleep for a couple of hours. I do more housework than him as I can do some of it during the day, but in the evenings and weekends anything left over is shared. What's most important to me is that he actually wants to spend time with DD - and he does. Does your husband actually want to be around you both?

Don't get me wrong, he really is a lovely husband and father to our baby-he adores us both but I am starting to feel resentful. Seems he is thinking about his own needs a little too much.

Well, I don't think he sounds like a lovely husband and father at all.

So he can't get up in the night because your'e EBF, fine. But he CAN take over from 5:00/6:00 or whatever time is appropriate for him to get an earlier than normal start before work while you get a few hours of sleep.

He CAN have the baby while he gets himself ready for work.

He CAN come in after work and prepare a meal, do the washing up, bath the baby, do a load of washing or whatever task needs doing.

He CAN cut back on his "training" so that you also get a break because currently he's working 5 days a week and you're working 7 days and 7 nights a week.

And if he doesn't see that he should be doing some of this then he's an ass.

This is why I'm a strong advocate for shared parental leave or at least for the father to take time out using holidays if necessary so he spends some time looking after his child on his own.

In your case OP you need to go back to work. When you do tell your DH he is paying 50% or as appropriate percentage according to your salaries of the childcare costs. Also he has to do half the pickups or drop offs, so the childcare provider needs to somewhere where you both can get to from work.

Yanbu! He sounds like a selfish twat! Nip this in the bud now.

"doesn't nap well in the day so I am constantly exhausted. I play with her all day,which I love of course"

No wonder you're finding all day with a 4 month baby such heavy going. A 4 months old baby does not need to be constantly held, cuddled or played with. If that's really what you're doing, you may be overstimulating her which may explain why she " doesn't nap well"

You both need to relax and chill out.

While you're doing chores, put her on the floor on a clean cotton blanket , to gurgle and kick by herself. She can't come to any harm down there, the excercise is good for her; she will explore her own fingers and toes,watch a hanging mobile or clouds and trees outside. Maybe a few finger toys to explore. Or a dummy to suck. Just make sure she is wearing something light and loose , like a babygrow. If your house is warm enough, leave the legs bare. Get her used to you quietly coming and going, in and out of sight and earshot. Don't keep up a constant running commentary, let her practise being peacefully alone in a quiet familiar place for a little while. Use some of her solo time to have a 20 minute break fir yourself lie on the sofa, read a book, watch TV, do yoga, enjoy a cup of tea. If she falls asleep, just put a light blanket over her and leave her to it.

Remember she can spend some of her floor time lying on her front, which will strengthen her neck and back and give her a different view.

Of course he sees mess. He sees it and decides not to do anything about it because he knows it’s your job to clean up after him and your shared child as he’s so fucking important.

He is not a lovely husband and father. Lovely husbands and fathers don't let their wives struggle on doing everything while they just carry on doing what they want to do. From where I'm standing, this does not even remotely show adoration.

He needs to stop being such a selfish self obsessed twat and do his share of the housework and parenting his child.

Go back to work. You then have grounds to ask him to do 50% of everything. He will learn how to care for a baby and how to keep house. You will have responsibilities outside the home which will make you feel independent.

He’s not a lovey husband if he sees you suffering and does nothing. Stop doing the housework for starters. Don’t ask for his help, tell him to look after his child.

So you keep asking and giving her to him.

he should be helping me out when he isn't at work

You have to change your language for a start, OP. It is not a case of him needing to help you, he needs to pull his weight, do his share.

It is upsetting that he doesn't offer when he sees me struggling.

Frankly this is the issue. You have a husband who ignores your needs. He’s not ‘lovely’, he’s selfish.

My DH took a month off immediately after each baby, shared nights from day 1, did his share of housework etc. Proper equal partner from day one.

Go back to work. Nothing against staying at home, but it’s much harder than working a job, you will never get a break, and it sounds like your husband doesn’t support you. He probably won’t change, they never do ( sorry, very pessimistic here).

You had more than enough comments about your DH himself, I wont' bore you with more saying the same

but on another note, you do need to chill out about your baby. I assure you a 4 months old (or any age) does not need someone to play with them and interact with them constantly. Bouncy chair, travel cot, soft play area on the floor near you whilst you get on with things is plenty.

You will still have your baby full time during the day whilst your DH is working, it's horrible if you stress about chores. A 4 months old doesn't make any mess, you can keep on top of everything in an hour max and relax. I know how time consuming it is to change nappies, feed a baby etc but that should be a nice time, not worrying about endless chores.

Not much you can do about lack of sleep, but you are allowed to be tired, you are allowed to go for a walk or a run pushing the buggy, you are allowed to slob on the sofa all day with your baby... Relax. I am not mean, if you ever have more children, the new baby will have to fit with school run, and the care of the others and won't be a bit upset about it.

It's all very good to say "go back to work" but 4 months is nothing. It's not fair you would have to shorten your time with your baby - and one that wakes up at night won't magically sleep through because you are back to work!