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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to do more

79 replies

GracieJ25 · 05/10/2020 14:20

We have a 4 month old baby girl. I am currently on maternity leave and we have both decided that I will be a sahm whilst she is little.
I am ebf so my husband can't help out with the nightfeeds at all which is fine. I also think it's fair that, because he works, I get up with our daughter so he can lie in a little and she is up really early.
This is fair enough but I literally do everything. Baby is still waking up frequently throughout the night and doesn't nap well in the day so I am constantly exhausted. I play with her all day,
which I love of course but my god it is tiring. I change the majority of her nappies, bath her, try and do all the housework all myself. DH will take her if I ask but other than that he generally let's me get on with it. I have tried telling him how exhausted I am and I once asked if he would get up with her so I could have a lie in. He said yes but didn't do it and said it was his day offConfused I never get a day off. He says he wants to help me but doesn't-only I specifically ask for something.
I have zero time for myself. Ever. On his days off he trains for hours then has a bath then is tired from training and complains. Not a thought to how exhausted I am having not slept properly in 4 months and constantly looking after our baby. Don't get me wrong, he really is a lovely husband and father to our baby-he adores us both but I am starting to feel resentful. Seems he is thinking about his own needs a little too much.
Is this how it should be? If I am staying at home is it fair to expect that I do the very large majority of childcare and housework or should I ask him to do more?

OP posts:
Grobagsforever · 05/10/2020 15:53

You've got yourself a sexist arse there I'm afraid. It's essential you return to work and don't allow yourself to become financially dependent on him. He doesn't respect the parenting role at all.

Sexnotgender · 05/10/2020 15:53

I kind of naturally do all the housework myself and he just doesn't seem to notice when things need doing.

How terribly convenient for him!

He’s massively shirking his responsibilities and he is NOT an amazing husband and father.

bananallamas · 05/10/2020 15:55

Men like this are ridiculous. They expect to spend their lives being looked after by women and being able to swan around doing whatever they please, and I don't stand for that shit.

However... men don't magically become like this when they have kids. More likely, he has always been this way, and OP you either haven't noticed for some reason, or you have noticed and didn't care about him expecting you to run the house, clean up after him, and generally do all the errands and life admin while he got on with his work and hobbies. So if you suddenly start getting him to pull his weight he will probably be surprised. Some men even then blame the kids for ruining their relationship, when what they actually mean is 'my wife used to do everything for me until we had kids, and now she spends most of her time looking after them, so I now have to look after myself sometimes, and even occasionally look after my own kids, which I didn't sign up for'.

So while this isn't OP's fault at all, you probably could have seen it coming. As others have said, during working hours you are the SAHM and he goes to work. The rest of the time, it's all 50:50.

BewilderedDoughnut · 05/10/2020 16:04

You can expect it but it doesn’t mean he will do more. You gave up a lot of your freedom and the ability to set the ground rules the moment you became a Mum and agreed to stay home. He’s got you where he wants you.

picosandsancerre · 05/10/2020 16:05

HollywoodHandshake she is on maternity leave so when I stated return to work I wasnt meaning now. I meant she should enjoy her maternity leave and return to work. I dont think anyone on here is suggesting she dumps her 4mth old in day care.

HollywoodHandshake · 05/10/2020 16:10

@picosandsancerre

HollywoodHandshake she is on maternity leave so when I stated return to work I wasnt meaning now. I meant she should enjoy her maternity leave and return to work. I dont think anyone on here is suggesting she dumps her 4mth old in day care.
maternity leave can be the length you want it to be, you usually stop being paid quite early in this country anyway.

It's not going to solve anything to add a job to a baby and all the chores... There are enough threads on here about working wives who are still expected to do everything, or only work part-time, or shorter hours.

cptartapp · 05/10/2020 16:16

He can't be bothered and you're only four months in. Your poor DD. He's showing his true colours right enough, so early into parenthood too. Doesn't bode well.
Make sure your contraception is watertight.

bananallamas · 05/10/2020 16:31

@cptartapp good point about contraception but... In OP's shoes, DTD would be the last thing on my mind. That sort of thing is only possible when you're well rested and not exhausted trying to run round after everyone. Maybe some additional motivation for her DH ;-)

Sh05 · 05/10/2020 17:29

For expressing, try the manual silicone pump OP. I bought the Aldi one by MaMia after trying and failing to get much milk with the electric pump.
Set the tone now before he becomes too comfortable with you doing everything then it will be really difficult to get him to do anything

Original poster
GracieJ25 · 05/10/2020 17:34

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your comments-I needed to hear it!
I've just had a massive chat with dh about everything-he honestly felt awful-he thought he was doing everything right but I explained he needed to do more without me having to ask.
...didn't really have a response to the "day off" comment thoughHmm but he has promised to do bedtime tonight and get up with her in the morning.

I'll give the pump a go, thanks for the adviceSmile

We will see how we go...

OP posts:
SpaceOP · 05/10/2020 17:49

Well done for having the conversation. it's unlikely to be fixed overnight, but if he's willing to listen, change can happen.

...didn't really have a response to the "day off" comment though

What did that mean? He doesn't think you need a day off? Or he was horrified he hadn't realised it before.

I've told this story before but I think it's illuminating. Dh had taken over as SAHD when I went back to work. And he certainly pulled his weight overall but like most working mothers, I was more than doing my share of the night times, chores etc etc etc....

At the time, he was in training for a marathon. He was also a bit precious about it (must get good sleep etc etc) as well as a bit of a faffer so would take forever to get moving etc. So Sundays weren't my best day, it has to be said.

One Sunday, he came in at 2pm. He'd "needed" rest, so had got up at 8. Then he'd faffed about and only left at 10:00. Then he managed to get lost on a 3 hour training run, turning it into a 4 hour training run. When he eventually came through the door, I was sitting on the floor with ds in the middle of the lounge, absolutely shattered. I looked up and just said to him, "I've been with the baby, alone, since he woke up at 6am this morning.... on mother's day." He was absolutely MORTIFIED and it completely changed things. I think we'd just sort of got sucked into this weird place where, if we were both "at home" I was the default. Even looking after DS when I was at work was almost like he was "helping me". And we were both a bit guilty of this thinking.

Things completely changed after that, because he's a genuinely good man who had been thoughtless and who was committed to not doing that again.

GeorginaTheGiant · 05/10/2020 17:53

Well done for raising it but I still think you’d be insane to give up your job and be a SAHM until he has proven over an extended period that he has the right and fair attitude to that set up. I’m sure you have already but if not then please read up on here about the potential pitfalls of being a SAHM in terms of pensions, finances etc and if you do go down that route then do it with your eyes open and yourself as protected as possible should the shit hit the fan. And never ever end up in a situation where you can’t go out and get a job should you want or need to (in so far as it’s possible to control that). Just don’t end up trapped with an unappreciative husband pulling all the strings.

user1471538283 · 05/10/2020 17:58

I would make plans to get back to work. If he can see you struggling and not step in he is not likely to ever.

KatharinaRosalie · 05/10/2020 18:35

Until we all stop going on about how there is a single way for the sexes to relate well to each other, we won't get far.

There are plenty of ways sexes can relate. Like some friends of mine have chosen a way where husband does fuck all. Some have chosen a way where husband is an additional child, who needs star charts to do some chores around the house. Surprisingly, all those men who 'just don't see' that sink is full of dishes manage to hold down jobs though without someone standing over them and giving them a list of every move.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/10/2020 18:53

I’d expect a lie in one day at the weekend and to split the cooking over the weekend. If DH was home full time I’d expect him to parent and keep on top of the house.

Imworthit · 05/10/2020 19:08

Don't do a rota! It will just become another job of yours. Sit him down and tell him he is going in the right direction to lose a wife and he needs to decide what the fuck to do about it!

Treating men like kids just enables useless behaviour.

Pilgit · 05/10/2020 19:37

As to the not noticing that things need doing - if he pulled that shit in his job he'd be out of it as that's what happens when you don't notice 90% of your workload or abdicate responsibility for it.

It's about respect. When people show you what they're like, listen.

blackcurrantjam · 05/10/2020 19:38

I hope he realises the error of his ways. If he doesn't, think very very carefully about being a sahm. If you do, make sure you get clued up about all the family finances, property etc, insist a pension for you is paid into, and insist on your own savings account. And keep your hand in somehow re working. But if you've got a good job you can go back to, seriously consider keeping it. Ime, selfish men get more selfish with each child and then some have a massive midlife crisis and for a clueless trusting sahm that situation can be extremely challenging. Flowers

Katela18 · 05/10/2020 19:40

Tbh I ended up in a similar situation. Not a SAHM but whilst on maternity. Partner travels a lot and so I was happy to do nights and early mornings in the week while he was working.

However for more I felt that weekends should be 50 / 50 and he should also be pulling his weight around the house. However he was happy to sit back and let me do it and if I mentioned it he said all I had to do was ask. But my thought was, if you can hear our baby crying why do you just sit there and assume I'll go and do it?

In all honesty, I have had to 'nag' him to get him to help and now (finally) he has picked it up and does now do things off his own back. I also always have one night off and one lie in per week. I just think you have to be extremely clear about what you want from them. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. I did tell my partner I resented him and it made a difference, he said he didn't realise how little he was doing until I laid it out like that x

wobblywinelover · 05/10/2020 20:08

What's he 'training' for? A triatholon? He sounds like a total over exercise bore who is shirking his responsibilities. I know many fellas like this. They have no idea of the real work which goes into looking after a baby as they leave their partner/wife to it. They're always enthusiastic about making babies though. So many selfish men about and it saddens me to hear about how exhausted some of us women are having to do all the work.

firstimemamma · 05/10/2020 20:14

I exclusively breastfed our son and am a sahm and ds' dad does loads (without needing specific instruction) despite working a demanding job in the emergency services and always being tired. Your husband is being lazy and unreasonable.

positivelynegative · 05/10/2020 20:25

tell him he is going in the right direction to lose a wife and he needs to decide what the fuck to do about it!

Yes funny how they work out hold down a job, but housework eludes them. My DH got told in no uncertain terms he worked it out or I’d fucking sack him.

dontmesswiththeGC · 05/10/2020 20:38

I'm shocked there are men that think this is ok or normal. I have a 4 month old too - my first and I honestly don't know what I'd do if my husband behaved like this you must be absolutely exhausted, both mentally and physically. Mine works in a restaurant so gets home very late (2am sometimes) and still gets up in the night to do a feed. One of us does the night feed and the other gets up with her in the morning. We change depending on what times he's working the next day. Then on his days off he's 'in charge' - so does the majority of the playing/entertaining, changing, feeding and bath to give me a break and some headspace to get things done that I can't do when he's at work. It may have slightly helped that he was on furlough for 8 weeks after she was born so we did everything 50/50 and he completely understands how tiring it is looking after a baby all day long. However I know him and he would never expect me to do everything to look after our DD every single day. More importantly he wouldn't want to, he wanted a baby so much and is so excited to look after her and spend time with her, otherwise why have a baby? Just to look at from across the room? The other thing is, if he even gave a hint of expecting me to do everything like that, he'd be shut down so fast by me. I hate to say it but part of this is likely you letting him get away with it. I know everyone's relationship is different but he's doing it because he can. You need to put a stop to this, it's not fair on you. It's not what a father or partner is. He needs to step up.

PurplePrincess31 · 05/10/2020 22:03

It’s funny I posted the other day that I was fed up because DH doesn’t do any housework and mostly got slated for it as he works full time and I only work a few hours (as people pointed out) and my DC are at school now but since they were babies I have always done all the housework he did some cooking and shopping but that was about it. He only had 3 days off work with each one and I was doing the school run when my third was less than a week old. On the days I’m at work I feel they are fairly full between work and seeing to the kids when we get home. I just thought it was funny that when you are looking after a baby housework should be 50/50 on days off but when you work part time and see to the children I should do everything because I have a day off. Just thought it wasn’t much to ask for him to do a few things, it wasn’t as if I was saying it should be 50/50.

Anyway my point is as others have said do something about it now or if you do decide to be a SAHM then it will be all put on you and will just be expected!

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/10/2020 22:13

There’s a huge difference between having a breastfed 4 month old and children who are at school.

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