To feel a bit pissed off after having a baby during lockdown

[MonkeyBeard]

Firstly, I know this could be worse, it's been shit for everyone and I need to get over myself. I'm just letting off a bit of steam.

Our first baby arrived three days into lockdown. This has been a bit shit in various ways. My parents couldn't meet their only grandchild for three months. I have never been so lonely and overwhelmed. DS is going to have to start nursery without proper settling in - we just have to leave him at a door with strangers for gradually longer periods of time. This is all monumentally shit, but now my friends are having babies and I'm having an attack of the jealousies.

One of my friends is breastfeeding. This is great, but I really, really wanted to breastfeed for the first six months and when I struggled to get DS to latch the community midwife (who were only doing first and fifth day visits) told me to hold him in front of me and declared it looked fine from the other side of the room. They couldn't come closer than 2m unless I had a problem with stitches. My friend has an NHS lactation consultant visit her house! I got a leaflet which I binned as we collected so many of the red crosses on the not going well section I couldn't bear looking at it. DS lost too much weight so I was told to express or supplement with formula on day five - there were no breast pumps to be had at the end of March so formula and breast rejection ended that. His six week check was only half completed to minimise contact. He hasn't been weighed since he was eight days old. I have a phone number instead of a health visitor.

I realise this isn't really important either, but friends have complained about what to do with all the cards and clothes they've been gifted. The shops were shut and people were preoccupied, it's fine, but we got hardly anything. By the time I could show DS off, friends has newborns for people to coo over and it feels like nobody cared he arrived.

I'm just feeling a bit pants today. I know it's not important and I'll pick myself up tomorrow.

Ah, take a squeeze OP. That does sound monumentally shit.

Of course it's important. You are important and I'm so sorry this time has been totally crap for you. I also don't blame you for being worried about nursery. There's going to be a lot of lockdown babies who have only really had their parents in those first months.

That sounds really shit OP, and you’re totally entitled to feel upset about it. It’s not what anyone would have wanted for the arrival of their baby, and you’re absolutely entitled to grieve for the experience you could / should have had

I had a baby in May and I can relate to a lot of this. My babys obvious tongue tie was missed so I ended up giving up breastfeeding which I had enjoyed with my previous child. Hardly anybody bothered to send a card let alone a gift. My 4 month old has been weighed twice.
Its not the end of the world but its not great, especially for your first child.

Yeah, that sucks, and I think the business about the breastfeeding help was actually pretty unjustifiable.

Jealousy sucks, I usually try not to give it too much space in my head as it's not a useful emotion. But it's very natural.

Yeah, it’s total BS. My son was born in January so we at least got 6 weeks of normality before everything shut down - I feel so much for anyone who had their babies in March/April/May as you’ve all had it so much worse. I’m dreading doing nursery without proper settles and it’s been shit being confined to the house for months with a newborn when everything you google about dealing with the forth trimester urges you to “get out and about”, “spend time with friends” and “ask family for help”! Watch out though, someone will be along soon to tell us to “give our head a wobble” and “get a grip” because they never bothered with baby classes or going to the weighing clinic and were just fine

I suppose you could say I share your annoyance at the situation!

I had my second baby in May and also felt like nonone really cared. I got a few cards but no presents and didn't feel like a big deal really. I get obviously everyone had bigger things to worry about but it made it really lonely the first couple of months. I tried to breast feed also but my 2 year old daughter was getting jealous and hitting me and struggling with a new brother, lockdown and not being able to see anyone else. I gave up trying to breast feed after a few days getting mastitis and a pelvic infection and just being fobbed off with antibiotics over the phone just pushed me over the edge. I do have alot of sympathy for first time mum's in lockdown it must be so hard having no support and all the nice moments (other than obviously the baby) being taken away. Sounds lik your doing a great job and will look back on these days like how the hell did we get through that lol.

Yanbu op, I'm really sorry. My friend also had a baby during lockdown and I can't imagine how hard it must've been for her

I think you're completely justified to be pisssed off! My friend had a baby at the beginning of lockdown too and I'm angry for her... just because your grateful to have your baby doesn't mean you're not allowed to think it could of been better. Try to get out as much as safely possible now and congratulations on your little one.

Sympathise with the BFing situation OP.

I’m really lucky I had my baby just before lockdown, I can’t imagine having to care for a baby after birth on your own or having to have a scan with bad news on your own.

I know it sounds pathetic but I am very close to my colleagues and couldn’t wait to bring my baby in to show her off in the office like many others before me. But obviously that never happened and it really bothers me haha! Just seems mad these people spent 6 months going through pregnancy with me and they didn’t meet her when she arrived.

I half feel like nothing would have been different because I’ve just been at home with my baby. But I also feel like I’ve been a bit robbed of the experience.

Wouldn’t admit this IRL because I have to be grateful for what I have

I'm with you OP. I had my firstborn a few days into lockdown and while I know I'm so lucky to have had a healthy baby, none of this is as it should have been. My planned home birth was cancelled and only allowed my husband there for part of labour and an hour after she was born. There was no help in the hospital the next day. I honestly have no idea how I summoned the strength to get my baby and I out the door. I walked to the car barefoot because I hadn't got the energy to put socks or shoes on. We did eventually suss out breastfeeding but it took three long weeks to get there. One of the hardest things I've ever been through mentally. My mum was in bed with Covid which was so scary and I felt guilty thinking I'd given it to her - thank God she recovered well. We also had the anxiety over baby not being weighed and not having a clue whether she was putting on enough weight. There are still next to zero baby groups back running where we live. We've had a couple of NCT meet ups but as the weather turns people won't want to meet indoors so I suppose they'll dry up too. And I know I've had a much better experience than many other lockdown mums but it's just shit. I worry that it'll affect my daughter being so isolated.

I feel you!! I had a baby in lock on the 5th April in lockdown. Nurseries shut which meant home alone with newborn and toddler 5 days a week whilst dad was at work (not how I thought it would happen) thought I'd be able to catch up on some sleep whilst DD was at nursery 2 days! Missed all the visits and showing baby off all that jazz.

However my best friend is currently going through IVF she got pregnant just before lockdown via IVF, got her positive test during lockdown and then unfortunately lost the baby again whilst in lockdown! Then they stopped all IVF treatment and she's only just being able to start it again.

So when I have a moment of feeling sad I just think I'm so lucky to have two healthy babies with everything that's going on and for those who aren't as lucky as us.

It's still shit but could be so much worse big hugs OP

I had my second in April and it has been pretty poor. But on a couple of your points I think it’s down to the individuals you have had contact with rather than covid. For instance, my health visitors were still running weight clinics that you could go too. And baby’s 6 week check was completed normally and baby was weighed so it’s pretty poor that that didn’t happen for you.

The breastfeeding I can completely understand how you feel. My first baby I failed to establish bf and I felt so guilty for years afterwards. This time round I really struggled again, and I was all geared up for going to bf groups etc but obviously they weren’t running. I have managed to successfully feed him this time, but i was very close to quitting through the lack of support.

It’s been a really rubbish time to have a baby, especially your first. You are completely entitled to how you feel. But every time you feel jealous just look at your baby, and remember despite the circumstances, you have a beautiful baby that is all yours. I’m cherishing the time with my baby as I suffered terrible pnd last time and with the lockdown etc I was petrified I was going to struggle again. So despite all the negatives I’m just so happy to feel mentally well.

We all have our bad days, so allow yourself to wallow for a while and then pick yourself up and enjoy the rest of your mat leave - it goes too quickly 😫

I agree OP, it is shit. I had my 5th baby 2 weeks into lockdown and it was by far the worst post natal period because of lockdown. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for people like having their first.

The lack of available support or even perceived lack of available support really amplified issues that I would have perhaps not been too concerned about had things been normal.

Also, months of no family/ friend support was really difficult.

Also had a baby in May, very traumatic labour OH only allowed with me for the labour then asked to leave a hour after (first baby) 3rd degree tear, struggled to look after my daughter for the first 2 months because of pain but wasn’t allowed anyone in the house so had to get on with it, I think this caused the prolapse I’ve been left with.

Now feeling racked with guilt because she seems genuinely terrified of other people. I’m hoping this isn’t going to cause social issues later on. I’m also really struggling with loneliness and wishing baby and mother groups were still on just to break my week up and release me from these 4 walls. It really is shit OP I sympathise x

I feel you op i had my ivf miracle 2 weeks into lockdown and same as you he hasn't been weighed since he was 6 weeks old, it also turned out my little boy has a milk allergy that wasn't picked up until he was 4 months despite ringing the doctors every week and even got an out of hours appointment at a n e who told me to suck it up because it was just reflux we have no drop in clinics and very little help we are 100% allowed to feel gutted and let down xx

Yanbu. Absolutely robbed.

Both you and your DS.

Loads of sympathy, OP. It is all so, so shit. I had my second baby last autumn but it was a very dangerous pregnancy and I had to have surgery when she was small, so I was only really feeling well by about Feburary - just in time to get locked down. Then work announced temporary Covid pay cuts, which meant I had to go back a month early. I am now back to working (from home) 5 days a week, DH and I are juggling two small kids and life is frantic. I feel really cheated out of that maternity leave.

I had a baby just before lockdown- I know I’m so lucky it was before so we had some time but it’s just not how you imagine your baby’s first year to go.

And if you dare to complain a little someone always says ‘yes but think of all the extra time you got as a family’ ...yeah and that was lovely but also terrifying as ‘it takes a villiage’ and all we had was the two of us!

My DD2 was born about 6 weeks before lockdown so I'm lucky I had a few weeks of normality, although I kick myself for not getting round to going to a baby group in the first few weeks because I thought I had plenty of time for that. I'm about to go back to work and my baby cries when anyone else holds her, I feel like no one knows her really

op and all other lockdown mums

NO you don’t need to give head a wobble. It’s horrible for you so please look after your mental health. keep on top of your mh, pnd is common without the restrictions you’ve had to bear.

i have great sympathy for you

HUGE CONGRATULATIONS ❤️

I feel your pain. I had my second a few days after you.

Not being able to find paracetamol anywhere for my mastitis about 2 weeks in was a low point.

Starting to feel a bit jealous of people expecting babies next year.

So many friends, all my colleagues and all my church family have not met the baby. Someone asked me the other day (via online message) when the baby is coming 😞

When I return to work in May it will be online, working from home 😑 so I will go from isolated from the outside world, to isolated from my children too, while I am alone in the house working and they are with the childminder.

Nah that's properly shit. You're allowed to feel regret for not having the experience you expected.

Could have written nearly every word of your post myself OP. I have no advice. There are days where I feel really down and I can’t stop crying. Then there are days where I remind myself how blessed I am and know things could be much worse.

You and your lovely baby boy didn’t deserve this. He deserved everyone to come and fawn over him when he was born. He deserved proper medical care and not to slip through the cracks. You deserved all the help available to give you the best chance of succeeding at BFing. It’s shit OP there’s just no other word for it.

Wishing you and your little boy all the best .

I'm sorry this happened to you. It really is quite shit.

My kids are older now but I failed to breastfeed for various reasons. I remember the guilt well. I promise you that one day you will be able to look back and realise it wasn't the be all and end all, even if it doesn't feel like that now.

Can you do anything to treat yourself and your son? A new toy for him, just because, and something nice for you? You missed out on a lot of firsts so I think it would be deserved and a little boost for your mental health.

I had a baby in middle of lockdown ! It was daunting stressful the midwife after birth only visited day 2 and again day 5 and discharged over the phone on day 10 so I know how you feel meanwhile I had 3 toddlers at home