To feel a bit pissed off after having a baby during lockdown

[MonkeyBeard]

Firstly, I know this could be worse, it's been shit for everyone and I need to get over myself. I'm just letting off a bit of steam.

Our first baby arrived three days into lockdown. This has been a bit shit in various ways. My parents couldn't meet their only grandchild for three months. I have never been so lonely and overwhelmed. DS is going to have to start nursery without proper settling in - we just have to leave him at a door with strangers for gradually longer periods of time. This is all monumentally shit, but now my friends are having babies and I'm having an attack of the jealousies.

One of my friends is breastfeeding. This is great, but I really, really wanted to breastfeed for the first six months and when I struggled to get DS to latch the community midwife (who were only doing first and fifth day visits) told me to hold him in front of me and declared it looked fine from the other side of the room. They couldn't come closer than 2m unless I had a problem with stitches. My friend has an NHS lactation consultant visit her house! I got a leaflet which I binned as we collected so many of the red crosses on the not going well section I couldn't bear looking at it. DS lost too much weight so I was told to express or supplement with formula on day five - there were no breast pumps to be had at the end of March so formula and breast rejection ended that. His six week check was only half completed to minimise contact. He hasn't been weighed since he was eight days old. I have a phone number instead of a health visitor.

I realise this isn't really important either, but friends have complained about what to do with all the cards and clothes they've been gifted. The shops were shut and people were preoccupied, it's fine, but we got hardly anything. By the time I could show DS off, friends has newborns for people to coo over and it feels like nobody cared he arrived.

I'm just feeling a bit pants today. I know it's not important and I'll pick myself up tomorrow.

[quote IncyWincyTincy]@SoloMummy - lockdown Mum here too, my third so i've also had the 'normal' experience.

Looking through a window is NOT the same as being able to hold a baby, you can't hear, you can't have the physical contact you crave too. Don't try to pretend it's the same thing.

No - not everyone gets a pump in advance - i didn't with my first but luckily the hospital was around the corner from a Mothercare. Secondly i managed to overcome my initial problems with feeding my first two and feed for 22 months and 11 months respectively - my first the health visitor had to actively position my baby so wouldn't have been possible in covid times, second i had to attend a clinic and it was a simple case of needing to amend position for an abnormally large baby something that needed to be seen close up.

Do you drive? I wonder if you never had a lesson in your life, never had anyone show you how to drive, would you take the blame for not knowing yourself? Don't be so bloody ridiculous as to place the blame on OP.

And my baby was last weighed at 10 days old, there were no scales to be found online, i tried to do it on my own scales, it was bloody pointless![/quote]
My lo had tongue tie and yet I struggled through to ebf without a hv in sight.

I don't for a minute think this woe me attitude is helpful.

It's hard being a mum. Pandemics are hard. I don't think being a new mum is disproportionately harder when there's a partner on the scene too.

Yanbu. It's rubbish how all these supposedly vital services just stopped. It is really hard for new mums anyway, never mind without any of the usual support.
However you are a bit unreasonable to complain that no one made a fuss of your baby. People really only care about their own baby (or grandbaby). Babies under 6 months only care about mum anyway! They are probably better off without too many people doting over them.
I think you should insist on proper settling in at nursery. It's cruel to leave a tiny baby with strangers. They should be able to let you meet up with the key person wearing masks with distancing, even if you can't enter the nursery.

Please push back on nursery settling. I’ve had to settle a baby in recently and while it wasn’t quite the same, the nursery did visits in the garden where we could play with my baby and introduce her to the key worker properly. I wouldn’t have been happy just leaving her in the car park.

🥇🥇🥇🥇 @SoloMummy

This thread makes me so sad. So sorry to all the new mums out there who have struggled. My first was born last September and I remember how much I appreciated the visits, cleaning and help I was given in the first couple of months. The fact you've all managed without these...I think you're all hero's!!

Also please ignore the likes of @SoloMummy. Some people like to show off what an incredible parent they are for battling on and making others feel bad. Reminds me of the time someone told me I could cure my diagnosed depression with a positive mindset and a good cup of tea...

You are not to blame for any of this, and you have every right to be upset and angry!

I could have written exactly the same as I had a baby when you did to.Six week check the Dr asked if I was getting out and about...( This was mid April)...go where and do what see who dr...?!

Rant away OP, it is total shit. I had my second baby at the start of June, so not quite in the thick of lockdown but still very much restricted and family/friends weren’t allowed to visit. It sounds pathetic but I was so gutted I didn’t get to enjoy my first few weeks of maternity leave like I’d planned, with nurseries being shut I was exhausted from working from home with a toddler and then having to entertain said toddler right up until giving birth with no family help. These last few months have been the hardest of my life, I have no doubt they would have been hard anyway but the restrictions have made life unbearable some days. I have PND and am now on medication which hopefully will help, but I’m in Scotland so my mum can’t even come round to help me which is quite upsetting. I’m so grateful for my health and my kids but it’s still totally and utterly shit.

I think we just have to all accept that it is shit for everyone.

I'm dealing with my mums sudden death and the current covid climate is making it so much harder (limited numbers at the funeral, cannot have a wake after, huge delay with her post mortem and funeral etc... not to mention the delay in first responders assisting as they had to get into PPE.... whilst my dad and sister performed CPR on her!!)

Not comparing as I know my situation is infinitely more shit but we've all had to sacrifice so much.

I totally agree OP. I had my first baby in May and as lovely as he is I've been very disappointed with my ftm experience being effected by covid. No baby shower, not many gifts, parents couldn't meet baby until he was 2 months old, labouring alone in hospital. They wouldn't even let my husband come in to help with the car seat when we were going home from hospital, so I had to carry the car seat with the baby in (heavy!) plus my suitcase and the baby bag 1 day after having surgery all the way out the hospital on my own. The aftercare has been non existent. We were first time parents and had to do it all alone with no support from friends, family or the nhs. I am very jealous of my friends who've had children more recently and had much better support. The only silver lining was my husband working from home allowed him to be with the baby a lot more.

I feel you op, it’s been so crap having a baby this year. I had my second baby in February so I was lucky that the first month things were pretty normal. I’d planned on starting a few baby classes after Easter which of course never happened and we still haven’t been to anything. There are 4 baby and toddler groups in the village i live in and none of them have restarted.
I feel like we missed out on getting out and seeing people.

@crunchymum I'm really sorry for the sudden loss of your mum but the OPs feelings are still valid. As any ftm or second time etc mum's are (or dads). If you seek you'll always find someone in a worse position doesn't change the fact that others can feel disappointed and upset at their current or previous experience. Your situation is different, it isn't to do with being a mum but losing one.

@giespeace I'm so so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine

OP, that sounds really hard and shit. You’ve lost the nice stuff that goes with having a baby and have had to deal with loads of stress that you wouldn’t normally have. Whatever you do, don’t have another baby now! Wait until there’s a vaccine so the next time you can get the full experience. I feel for you that you’ve missed out on newborn bliss. Let yourself feel sad. How about making it into a positive? Get him a T-shirt with 2020 on it. Make a lockdown photo book. Your child has the unique experience of being born during the most unusual time in history. Make a thing of it? Get a doorstop baby photographer. Make it into a framed photo. Google lockdown products and make a wall in his room with “once in a lifetime” things. Not everybody else will be able to say they were born during 2020. Make it a thing. That’s really all you can do, print off all the bizarre/shocking newspaper front pages and make a scrap book. Imagine if it was you, in years to come you’d want to know what happened. You can then pull out the scrap book so he can read what happened.

I’d give anything to be in your situation rather than mine. Anything

@Crunchymum some of us are in the lovely position of having both a new baby AND a dying parent. I wouldn’t dream of coming on a thread like this and telling people how much worse my situation is.

It is totally shit op, I feel for you so much. I had a baby in lockdown too but she's my second so I already had an idea. Mothers have been forgotten, and treated very badly during this pandemic. You are doing your very best, you are an amazing mum and you are not alone. Much love xxxxx

@cruncymum and others- it doesn't need to be Misery Top Trumps... empathy or silence are also available options.

[quote YouBringLightInToADarkPlace]@cruncymum and others- it doesn't need to be Misery Top Trumps... empathy or silence are also available options. [/quote]
Oh the irony of this post.

It's been a crap year for everyone. It's not too trumps for whose lives have been worse affected. Let's just agree that 2020 is bad for everyone. The most important thing is to keep well physically and mentally so when this thing is over (let's be optimistic and it will be early next year) we can get on with our lives fully.

I'm sitting posting because I'm unemployed but my plight is no worse than others

But this thread isn’t about everyone.