To feel a bit pissed off after having a baby during lockdown

[MonkeyBeard]

Firstly, I know this could be worse, it's been shit for everyone and I need to get over myself. I'm just letting off a bit of steam.

Our first baby arrived three days into lockdown. This has been a bit shit in various ways. My parents couldn't meet their only grandchild for three months. I have never been so lonely and overwhelmed. DS is going to have to start nursery without proper settling in - we just have to leave him at a door with strangers for gradually longer periods of time. This is all monumentally shit, but now my friends are having babies and I'm having an attack of the jealousies.

One of my friends is breastfeeding. This is great, but I really, really wanted to breastfeed for the first six months and when I struggled to get DS to latch the community midwife (who were only doing first and fifth day visits) told me to hold him in front of me and declared it looked fine from the other side of the room. They couldn't come closer than 2m unless I had a problem with stitches. My friend has an NHS lactation consultant visit her house! I got a leaflet which I binned as we collected so many of the red crosses on the not going well section I couldn't bear looking at it. DS lost too much weight so I was told to express or supplement with formula on day five - there were no breast pumps to be had at the end of March so formula and breast rejection ended that. His six week check was only half completed to minimise contact. He hasn't been weighed since he was eight days old. I have a phone number instead of a health visitor.

I realise this isn't really important either, but friends have complained about what to do with all the cards and clothes they've been gifted. The shops were shut and people were preoccupied, it's fine, but we got hardly anything. By the time I could show DS off, friends has newborns for people to coo over and it feels like nobody cared he arrived.

I'm just feeling a bit pants today. I know it's not important and I'll pick myself up tomorrow.

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying and feeling here.

I had my second the first week of lockdown. I’ve mostly been able to stay positive about it as it’s all beyond my control but I definitely have days feeling just like you do.

I really struggled breastfeeding this time round and did literally everything I could. I found all the online breastfeeding groups, nagged my HV, pumped, got a lactation consultant, everything. But nobody was ever able to sit with me and observe a full feed and so nobody was able to help me get to the bottom of it and because his weight gain was so poor I ended up mixed feeding from 4 months. It’s absolutely fine and we are all happy but I still feel very disappointed that I wasn’t able to feed him the way I wanted to and that I felt so alone trying to make it work.

My Mum didn’t meet my baby til 3 mi the either as she lives at the other end of the country and doesn’t drive. That made me sad and I also really missed her support.

It’s ok to feel shit about it!

for you OP. I had my second baby prematurely a few weeks before lockdown and it has been utterly shit. My DD hasn't been seen by a health professional since 10 days old. I really feel for first time mums doing this with no support.

God rant away, that sounds shit.

I had DD in January so we had 6 weeks of normality but most of my family live at the other end of the country so there was no time to meet her or show her off to family members. I went to one baby group and have absolutely no friends in my area with babies.

She cries when anyone else goes near her. I'm dreading nursery in January and have ended up taking 3 months unpaid leave to extend my maternity. I appreciate how lucky I am to have a healthy baby, family and a roof over my head in these under certain times but do feel a sense of grief over the fun that DD and I should've had.

to you and your DS. Your feelings are completely valid.

Rant away OP it’s been utter shit!! I had a lockdown baby and 2 stays in hospital at 34 and 37 weeks with problems with the iPad for company when I was in preterm labour. Fortunately had baby as restrictions were lifting and so did get MW visits day 5&10 (also as I had a section so needed wound checked). I tried a couple of zoom things and it is just soulless and awkward if I’m honest. I’m in a local lockdown area so it continues to be crap the only blessing has been decent weather as I have walked miles everyday but this weekend has been miserable and not being able to get out with the pram has showed me how much I was relying on a long daily walk with a podcast in my ear for my mental health. On top of this my partners business pretty much disappeared overnight in March as it relied on him travelling frequently to Europe and despite applying for jobs no luck as of yet thankfully I have a decent mat pay policy. It’s utter bollocks and ignore the ‘make the best of it’ comments some days you just need a bit of a rant and that’s totally allowed!!

I am so sorry that you had that experience

It may not have been the start of lockdown on its own more the people who you had giving that 'care' during the period. I know that we (I'm a community midwife) spent a lot of time giving breastfeeding support (well within 2 meters) because women were being sent home before getting breastfeeding established

I agree with you completely, even though when I had my two back in the Dark Ages, none of those things were available to me either for reasons of lousy family, isolation, being skint, living in a crap area in rubbish accommodation (but not crap enough to be in receipt of funding for extra services) and so on. I'd listen to others talking about the support they got, the presents they had and wonder why we weren't getting any of those things - and what I had done wrong.

Rant away. It isn't nice for you and you are perfectly entitled to feel that way.

to all of you. I do feel desperately sorry for new mums, getting out, seeing people, going for walks round new places was so helpful for my sanity and I can't imagine how it felt being trapped home.

A couple of people have said their babies cry with other people - just want to reassure you that it's pretty normal for that to happen even when you've been around a lot of people, my DD had awful separation anxiety but she settled fine with patience.

Big sympathies. I thanked my lucky stars everyday that my youngest was 18 months when lockdown started and not a newborn. (Whilst also being jealous of people without toddlers!)

You’ve been through the mill and it is important, I feel for new parents in all this I really do, congratulations on your baby and I hope things pick up for you.

I’m with you OP! First baby was born at the start of May and I’m still a bit annoyed that my mat leave before he was born was not filled with shopping/massages/lunches with friends as I had planned.

My breast feeding journey was similar. I really just needed some hands on help which wasn’t available either NHS or private so we ended up fully formula feeding from 6 weeks.

When I feel a bit shit about it all I do try to think of the positives. I didn’t have to have to make myself look presentable for visitors for the first couple of weeks and we could just get used to being parents. My DH is working from home full time so is seeing so much more of our son than he would otherwise.

As for nursery, mine has said that I can go in for settling in but I’ll have to wear a mask etc. Would it be worth asking them if that is an option?

I’ve given some quite strong feedback to our NHS trust about HV provision during the pandemic as it wasn’t good enough. My NCT WhatsApp group has been a god send and luckily we are all OK but I’m sure there are new mums really struggling with a real lack of support.

It is crap OP and all of your feelings in this are valid. However, you probably don't want to wallow here and you want to now move forward and surround you and your baby with positive vibes. Simply begin again. You can't undo what is done, it was horrid and you feel left down. But you can make sure the rest of this parenting journey has some highlights for you and your family.

Whenever I am spiraling with limiting thoughts, I say out loud Reset Reset and I reframe my thoughts. This has been a year if many resets for me but wallowing in the depths of despair or sadness don't help me so I choose to find a more positive angle, purely for self preservation.

I'm really worried about nursery. My son is okay round my parents /MIL as long as he can see me or my husband. All hell break loose if we dare to leave the room.
My husband says we need to start letting the grandparents hold him so he can get used to other people I know he's right but the idea worries me.
Setting in was better with my older children as I could stay with them and they were used to different people as we saw friends and family lots.
I still feel awfully lonely in the week. My husband is at work and the older children at school. Most of my friends are well past the baby stage and my parents only live 16 miles away but it's a long journey time wise.
Hate being so isolated. Used to love going out with my older two but nowhere to go now. Really is shit.

I had my baby at the beginning of May. But my experience in general has been positive as I am not in the Uk.
In another European country that also had lockdown etc.

However here treatment was different, if anything better care has been given due to it being one to one.
I was given private room in hospital due to Covid, dh was allowed in and stayed 5 hrs after birth. Then we left after 2 nights (dh not there). We then were issued a midwife to do home visits, she came every other day for 2 weeks, then twice a week for 6 weeks. Baby was weighed, measured and checked by midwife each time and she checked me out and monitored breastfeeding.
All doctors visits since for monitoring and vaccinations have been kept, each is roughly once per month.( he’s been 5 times so far)

I have been weighing ds at home at using luggage scales and a reusable cloth bag! Worth trying if you can’t get him checked easily.

I have missed out of meeting others though as all groups closed.

@Esspee

We have a niece who had a baby during lockdown and she thought it a wonderful chance to bond as a little family unit with no need to cope with visitors. It is just a matter of attitude really.

That's what she told you. Pleasantries and platitudes.

My cousin said similar to our Grandma to.stop her worrying. To me she said how isolating, lonely and frightening it had been. How she didn't know if she was getting it right because there was no way to check and nobody to be reassured by. Her baby had a tongue tie, she had mastitis, and infected stitches in her vagina. Her HV wouldn't come over the threshold, her MW appointments were over the phone. Her baby was born early and was undetected breech.

I can fully sympathise, I had my baby in December so at least I got a few weeks to enjoy before lockdown but it’s still been fucking hard. I had a difficult recovery and felt like I was totally abandoned by the so called heroes at the NHS once lockdown happened. Coupled with the fact that neither mine nor DH family live locally and DH having the threat of redundancy looming over him constantly it’s been so bloody hard. I’ve spent a lot of time being angry that my child’s first year on this earth has been spoilt and ill never get this precious time back.

BUT - I’m glad she came into the world now because she’s given us both a reason to get up in the morning. DH has gotten to spend so much time with her and it’s been so lovely to watch, she’s a real daddy’s girl. Things will get better OP, I’m sorry it’s been like this for you give your little one lots of extra kisses and cuddles today and I hope things will be brighter for you tomorrow

My lockdown baby was stillborn. Even that doesn’t mean I think you should “get over yourself” because I happen to have had an even worse experience than you.

You’re allowed to be disappointed and worried and jealous that others timing has been better so they will have the nice experiences that you missed out on. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Have a rant on here when you need to and try to make the best of things is all you can do. Your baby doesn’t know or mind about any of this and better days are ahead

Thank you all - I do feel a bit better today, yesterday was just a bit of a low. It's very sad to read so many others have had a rough ride too though.

Extra hugs to @Giespeace though - there's no words, so please accept a virtual cuddle instead.

That's awful, I didn't realise it was so bad for new mums I'd have been sad too.

My baby was born in April, too. I hear you, OP.

@Giespeace for you.

My second and last baby was born in May. He’s gorgeous but I’m still grieving for what I thought it was going to be like. A lot of what has been said on this thread resonates. Hugs to you all, ladies.

Hardly anybody bothered to send a card let alone a gift

That was because it was your second child, not because of covid.

Oh OP, what a monumental shit time you've had. Such a shame you've had such an awful start with your little one.

Things will get better.

I'm so very sorry @Giespeace, no words I can say, but I'm so sorry.

Giespeace, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry for all the women who have lost babies and not had the help and support that they need to make that even a tiny bit more manageable.

I'm also sorry for all those women who did have babies and haven't had the help they need, especially first time mums who never quite know what to expect from motherhood, it's been so hard for you all, you all deserve to feel a bit let down x