Page 2 | To feel a bit pissed off after having a baby during lockdown

SavingShoes · 03/10/2020 22:52

suggestion: don't send to nursery. Get a nanny, they don't have to live in but it means one new face rather than lots.
Also means that you aren't blocked with accessing your child because of the nursery's policies.
Even if the nanny is only for 6 months to a year, it's a better way for your DS to get his head round new.

RealMermaid · 03/10/2020 23:04

You're not being unreasonable at all! But you should ask around other nurseries. I had my first in January and will be starting nursery at the end of this month, and they're still letting me be with him for his first settling in sessions and doing a proper settling in process. It's a mid size local chain - not sure whether the big national chains are doing things differently, but we found a LOT of variation in approach between nurseries when looking for a place for him.

Tr1skel1on · 03/10/2020 23:05

Oh my goodness OP, you are right. That's really shit, really tough for all of you. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been.

I've got no helpful advice, all I can say is I breastfed one of my children and bottle fed the other.

They are 15 mo apart and both teenagers now, and no one could tell you how they were fed as babies. Although I will never forget how important it seems at the time.

A wise woman told me I needed everyone fed and no one dead at the end of every day, as long as I did that everything was fine. You know what, it still works, even when they are doing GCSEs!

Hang in there. You are doing great

Esspee · 03/10/2020 23:10

We have a niece who had a baby during lockdown and she thought it a wonderful chance to bond as a little family unit with no need to cope with visitors.
It is just a matter of attitude really.

Camomila · 03/10/2020 23:12

for you all. I had a baby this year too but before lockdown and my second so I feel lucky in that way.

If it helps anyone, my 2nd is doing everything his brother did at the same age (eg, moving, babbling) even though he has had none of the fun stuff DS1 did like baby yoga/baby sign/swimming etc.

yeOldeTrout · 03/10/2020 23:17

It's crap, OP.
I hope you feel better for being honest about yourself but then that release gives you space to find ways forward too.

Tr1skel1on · 03/10/2020 23:17

Oh wow. It's not just a matter of attitude for a lot of people. I'm delighted it's that easy for some.

Please don't read that comment and feel bad OP.

A lot of people struggle, and they haven't been dealing with a global pandemic whilst having their first child

YouBringLightInToADarkPlace · 03/10/2020 23:31

I really needed to read this thread tonight- my DC2 is due in a few weeks and I'm really hormonal.

Had a big crying argument with my sister in law tonight about this very topic- we're usually really close and rarely argue but we both really did tonight, and it's left us both shaken.

She doesn't have any children and I was saying exactly what the thread here is saying- how glad I am that this isn't my first baby but how hard it has been for women having them during lockdown, the lack of support networks, no groups, very little health visitor interaction, breastfeeding support etc.

She basically told me that covid is shit for everyone and that I should look for the positives in the situation, that none of her friends had experienced anything like this (2 close friends of hers had babies in the last 6 months) and that there were still loads of options like online health visits (?) and although there are no baby groups at least i will be able to take the baby for a walk to national trust properties. (Yeah great, roll on winter and walking around freezing gardens on my own).

I just ended up getting really upset because I felt like she was diminishing what is a really tough time and making it seem like I'm just being dramatic to have felt that I've lost something I was lucky enough to have had with my first pregnancy.

So this is my long winded way of saying yes OP it is shit, you have lost out and it's absolutely right that you feel cheated by f*&^ing covid.

Rosebel · 03/10/2020 23:32

It's horrible really. My last baby and has not been what I wanted. I'm so lonely, my HV keeps telling me to join groups on Zoom but it's not going to be the same.
My parents and MIL have met our baby but not held him yet. I failed at breastfeeding, my baby has been in hospital twice and I am dreading him starting nursery and just having to leave him. I can't bear to think of him crying and not being there.
I too feel like I shouldn't complain as others have it worse and I do have my gorgeous baby and lovely older daughters but I do feel a robbed.

FunDragon · 03/10/2020 23:50

OP that sounds horrendous. I had my son before the pandemic hit and I honestly don’t think I would have survived without midwife visits, HV visits, breastfeeding support or the weigh-in clinics. YANBU to feel the way you do, it is utterly shit. But you have done amazingly.

I think it is outrageous the way new mothers were deserted. Not just new mothers actually - cancer patients, couples seeking fertility treatment, the list goes on.

On the nursery thing, can you look at some different nurseries? The nursery we were booked into was insisting on doorstep handovers to masked strangers and no parental settling in (even though the governmental guidance doesn’t say that) so I thought no thanks and went to look at some others. And I found one that was allowing parents to settle their kids in properly (with some sensible precautions in place). So they aren’t all the same.

I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this.

Mmr224 · 04/10/2020 00:00

My little girl arrived in May and it has been really hard, difficult labour, had to stay in for a few days afterwards with no visiting allowed, her dad only saw her in recovery and then not until we were brought out to the car to go home a few days later. It's been hard to access nhs support for feeding and other health issues and no family able to help due to them sheilding

SapphosRock · 04/10/2020 00:04

Hi OP, also had a baby the first week of lockdown. It's been weird hasn't it? Especially not receiving cards or gifts or having any face to face support.

It was my second baby and I feel so sorry for mums who had their first in the pandemic.

No advice really just

MushMonster · 04/10/2020 00:07

Lots of and a big hug for you little one and yourself

Babyvibe · 04/10/2020 00:12

I feel what you are going through. My baby is 6 months now, was born just as lockdown was beginning. I had a failed induction where I was in hospital alone for 7 days and DP was only allowed in for 3 hours whilst giving birth. Then no-one was allowed to see him so we had our first baby alone with no help except advise over the phone. Its shit, we never imagined our baby to be born like this. Even now I'm worried about too many people in the house around him and everything is weird, having to ask family members if they're sure they have been keeping safe before coming near him. Definitely not what I wanted for my little baby. Hopefully things will get better though. I just keep thinking he won't remember this and hopefully things will be back to normal by the time he starts to have real memories.

folkloreore · 04/10/2020 00:17

for your OP. Congratulations on your baby and for making it through one of the toughest times of your life without any of the support that should have been there to make it easier.

I had my second DC a few weeks before lockdown so had a little normality but also suffered weeks of breastfeeding issues, infections, pain and tears with no one willing or able to help. There is even a photo of my infected breasts floating around somewhere at my GP surgery after I was told to send them a photo for a diagnosis, only for them to lose it and request another one The lack of support, dignity and care shown to new mums throughout this has been heartbreaking.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 04/10/2020 09:13

@Esspee

We have a niece who had a baby during lockdown and she thought it a wonderful chance to bond as a little family unit with no need to cope with visitors. It is just a matter of attitude really.

I had a baby in April, yes it has been a lovely opportunity to bond as a family.

However, positive attitude does nothing to help the pure neglect shown to women and babies in some areas using 'covid' as an excuse.

My sons 6 week check was done over the phone, we haven't been able to weigh him since he was 4 weeks despite the HV having concerns of his weight.

Breastfeeding support was shoved out of the window in my hospital and replaced with a formula first approach. I desperatly wanted to breastfeed but he wouldn't latch. I tried everything, zoom calls with 'experts', sheilds etc, nothing worked as no one could actually come closer than 2m or touch me. They pushed formula onto me on day 1, despite having a storage of harvested colostum, they told me I was basically starving my child if I didn't give him formula straight away.

I'm not jelous of other women but I do think as a collective we have been failed by the NHS during this time and I don't think there was an acceptable reason for this. I feel the same about many areas of the hospital but maternity is the only department I have first hand experience with.

Onamugsearch · 04/10/2020 10:27

And OP - one of the comments above about the niece having the better attitude?

It’s a bit like social media, don’t believe everything you hear

You are perfectly entitled to have a different experience to someone else and for it not to have been picture perfect.

Imbc · 04/10/2020 10:29

That is really shit OP and it’s completely understandable to feel the way you do

User36258 · 04/10/2020 10:46

We have a niece who had a baby during lockdown and she thought it a wonderful chance to bond as a little family unit with no need to cope with visitors.
It is just a matter of attitude really.

It’s really not just a matter of attitude. It’s a matter of going months without proper medical care, community support, or help from friends and family. No amount of toxic positivity changes the fundamental fact that OP’s experience has been much harder and less joyful than it would have been but for Covid. And just because your niece preferred not to have family around doesn’t mean it’s not a devastating blow for someone who does enjoy the company and support of their family.

Delbelleber · 04/10/2020 10:54

Sorry to hear what a shit time you've had op. I had my 3rd baby in May and I received a lot better care than you have. Luckily he was my 3rd though because that is completely different to a first. I still feel a bit robbed for my baby's sake though. He is missing out on baby groups and early socialising. Something my other 2 benefitted hugely from. I'm sad he has never met any other babies .
The nursery situation must be really horrible for you. Although having worked in a nursery they didn't really like parents there for settling in anyway. Still shit though. Congrats on your gorgeous baby

Holliej · 04/10/2020 10:59

OP I completely understand how you feel. I feel exactly like you do, I feel robbed of being able to show my DC off and I was so stressed during the first three months of his life I didn’t actually take time to enjoy him. He was also born at the beginning of lockdown (2 days into it) and I haven’t heard from my HV since day 3 and was given a phone number. I’m lucky my aunt is a midwife so I went to her for questions. He hasn’t been weighed since day 5 once I was discharged by midwifes. You are allowed to feel the way you do. I have taught myself to look at that we are all safe and well. I will make up the memories with him as he gets older. I made myself a lockdown photo book of all the pictures I took of him in the first 12 weeks and I have found family have loved seeing this. Fingers crossed your DC settles for you. Big hugs to you OP xx

SoloMummy · 04/10/2020 11:03

@MonkeyBeard

Firstly, I know this could be worse, it's been shit for everyone and I need to get over myself. I'm just letting off a bit of steam.

Our first baby arrived three days into lockdown. This has been a bit shit in various ways. My parents couldn't meet their only grandchild for three months. I have never been so lonely and overwhelmed. DS is going to have to start nursery without proper settling in - we just have to leave him at a door with strangers for gradually longer periods of time. This is all monumentally shit, but now my friends are having babies and I'm having an attack of the jealousies.

One of my friends is breastfeeding. This is great, but I really, really wanted to breastfeed for the first six months and when I struggled to get DS to latch the community midwife (who were only doing first and fifth day visits) told me to hold him in front of me and declared it looked fine from the other side of the room. They couldn't come closer than 2m unless I had a problem with stitches. My friend has an NHS lactation consultant visit her house! I got a leaflet which I binned as we collected so many of the red crosses on the not going well section I couldn't bear looking at it. DS lost too much weight so I was told to express or supplement with formula on day five - there were no breast pumps to be had at the end of March so formula and breast rejection ended that. His six week check was only half completed to minimise contact. He hasn't been weighed since he was eight days old. I have a phone number instead of a health visitor.

I realise this isn't really important either, but friends have complained about what to do with all the cards and clothes they've been gifted. The shops were shut and people were preoccupied, it's fine, but we got hardly anything. By the time I could show DS off, friends has newborns for people to coo over and it feels like nobody cared he arrived.

I'm just feeling a bit pants today. I know it's not important and I'll pick myself up tomorrow.

First of all congratulations. Secondly, you don't sound as though you have been particularly proactive in anyway. Not a criticism, but much of the concerns could have been "remedied" or addressed to some extent. 1 parents couldn't meet their only grandchild for three months - why couldn't they have seen baby through a window? From 2m apart on a Socially distanced walk? 2 bfing pump - I don't understand why you hadn't preempted this and had a small.pump,even if only a hand pump. Everyone in my social circle who intended to ebfnhad this in advance of the birth in the same way those opting to bf had bottles and formula. Its easy to blame everything else. Bfing is hard. And takes dedication. But blaming everyone else serves no.purpose. You did what you could. Don't be envious of others. Try and focus on the positives. You had 100% unfettered time with your baby with no. interference and interruptions. Maybe wasn't your ideal, but a positive spin. helps. 😊 The NHS lactation consultant is due to rules changing and adaptations being put into place. There were online specialists however!
3 His six week check was only half completed to minimise contact. >>>Was that not safer for your baby do you not think rather than a half glass empty view? 4 He hasn't been weighed since he was eight days old. Why didn't you buy scales? I had a set when my lo was born... Again an obvious proactive workaround... 5 I have a phone number instead of a health visitor. That's standard here anyway except for the big checks. And tbh most people dislike their involvement! For many the grass isn't greener for that one.

Hopefully the loneliness will have eased. When you return to work this may improve. Likewise trying apps like bumble and frool may help you connect.
The nursery is hard. Is it possible not to return and being a sahmnfor a bin longer? If not ask for a virtual tour, download their app so can see his online record which should have videos and photos etc.

I'm sad noone acknowledged your baby's birth. Id have expected people to have still had given and really to have already bought before the birth if close to you. And even baby clothes could have still been ordered from supermarkets. Or a home made card.

I would have still expected cooing over lo whether a newborn or a 6 mother. I had friends who didn't manage to meet my lo due to a variety of issues until my lo was 3m6m and 11m. Boy did they coo over him.
If your friends and family didn't do any of this, tbh I'd be reviewing the relationships. Yes their lives have moved on too, but should have shown this courtesy towards you and your lo.

I'd try not to let this all eat you up. You cannot change the past, but you can influence the future. Try to be someone who sees "issues" as something requiring a solution rather than being insurmountable because believe me as a parent moving forward there will be so many big issues coming up. 6 years in the decisions and "problems" seem to just grow and grow if you let them.

Good luck.

Crimblecrumble1990 · 04/10/2020 11:15

Agree with everything you have said OP. It makes me sad if I think too much about it (had a baby 3 days before lockdown)

If my husband hadn't been furloghed for the first couple of months I would have been in a very dangerous headspace as I relied on him so much without support from anywhere else. I'm an introvert and zoom sessions with strangers are not my cup of tea and breastfeeding help over FaceTime... a million miles away from face to face help.

I'm most saddened about my friends - I feel as though since it's been such an odd time for everyone and since they couldn't see my baby for 4 months they act like he doesn't exist? Just can't get my head around it.

IncyWincyTincy · 04/10/2020 11:16

@SoloMummy - lockdown Mum here too, my third so i've also had the 'normal' experience.

Looking through a window is NOT the same as being able to hold a baby, you can't hear, you can't have the physical contact you crave too. Don't try to pretend it's the same thing.

No - not everyone gets a pump in advance - i didn't with my first but luckily the hospital was around the corner from a Mothercare. Secondly i managed to overcome my initial problems with feeding my first two and feed for 22 months and 11 months respectively - my first the health visitor had to actively position my baby so wouldn't have been possible in covid times, second i had to attend a clinic and it was a simple case of needing to amend position for an abnormally large baby something that needed to be seen close up.

Do you drive? I wonder if you never had a lesson in your life, never had anyone show you how to drive, would you take the blame for not knowing yourself? Don't be so bloody ridiculous as to place the blame on OP.

And my baby was last weighed at 10 days old, there were no scales to be found online, i tried to do it on my own scales, it was bloody pointless!

HOkieCOkie · 04/10/2020 11:25

I’m really sorry it’s so so shit for all you mums who had babies doing lockdown xx your allowed to feel rubbish about it. I would be too.