To say no to request to clean his house?

[Rose789]

I feel like a bitch and I’m awake at 1am worrying about it.
My brother and sil have 3 kids. Between ages of 4-10 (so all in school)
Brother works full time sil works part time (3 days a week)
Kids spend every Saturday night at their grandparents house.
Sil has been signed off for work for depression and is struggling and finding it difficult to get the motivation to do anything.
I text sil and told her if she ever needed any support or someone to listen I’m here for her.
Spoke to my brother told him if there was anything I can do to help let me know e.g if they wanted me to have the kids overnight or if they got stuck with the school run.

He’s messaged today saying what would be the most helpful is if I could go round and clean the house as it’s a bomb site and sil isn’t doing any housework and he hasn’t got time with kids.
I’ve said no for several reasons

1. I have my own house to clean. Yes it’s hard trying to clean around kids I understand that. But that’s the same for everyone. The oldest 2 are more then old enough to start helping in the house but they have no chores at all. They will eat sweets and just drop the wrapper on the floor. Have a drink and the cup just gets put anywhere.

2. My dad has a lot of health issues. As a result I spend at least one day and one evening a week cleaning his house doing his washing making meals, getting shopping. My brother occasionally visits and doesn’t help at all.

3. I was ill at the start of the year and spent a lot of time in hospital. Dh managed to clean the house, look after the kids and visit me, and work full time. Brother and sil picked up dd from school on one day. No other help- or offers to help.

4. the kids are at their grandparents every single Saturday night. Blitz the place when they are gone if you can’t do it when they are there.
   I would kill for a night off every single week.

I know my reasons are valid. But I do also feel awful for sil I have been in a similar position where everything was just too much of an effort even getting out of bed. While the mess and dishes and washing piled up around me. It’s an awful place to be and it might help her if the house is clean and tidy and she doesn’t need to worry about it. But she has a husband who is just as capable as she is at stepping up and doing the cleaning.
I’m such a people pleaser I’m really struggling to stick to my guns and refuse to help.
I’m not being unreasonable am I?

He's stated what he'd like, she's stated what she can offer. Given that she and her DH are already running their household, sans any regular offloading of their kids onto someone else, and also doing the cleaning and cooking for her father. I'm not surprised that neither her nor DH feel either willing or able to onboard yet another household to help run.

They're clearly struggling, yes. That doesn't mean that their problems became her problems, any more than her problems became his problems when her family was struggling. It means that they should be accepting any help anyone is kind enough to offer, and appreciating it, and using it to their best possible advantage.

You did ask if there was anything you could do to help...
A few years ago I was suffering with my mental health badly and trying to raise two kids alone, one of whom is disabled. I had a few offers of help, but the help that was offered wasn't the help that I needed. Still it was nice of them to offer.

This thread reminds me of my aunt, every time she gave birth (all four of them), she always arranged someone; MIL, her own mother, her sister (always a woman in the family of course) to come and take over for a few months because of course her DH can't do anything else apart from working full time. Mind you outside mat leave she is also working full time on top of household duties and childcare.

I remember visiting the baby and saw her DH watching some footballs whilst her mother cooking and helping her out with the baby. The mother then had to go home to deal with her own housework and her husband was moaning because he felt that he loaned his wife to his stepson.

I got as riled as hell when I went to visit my mother, DH was given all the offers of help, food, etc. I was gone a couple of days.

DH would be gone weeks at a time. Cue the tumbleweed. . .

Tbh OP, someone wouldn't ask for something like that if they weren't struggling or under a lot of stress.

Rose you have an incredibly busy time. You work I would say full time not part time. Your spre time is already taken up with your own kids and your dad.

You've offered some things you can do and I think your brother just needs to accept cleaning is not one of them.I don't think he is rude or cheeky to ask. I just think it is fine to ask and fine to say no. Why not have this thread moved to relationships now or deleted as outing, as it could be. Unless it is helping to read so many comments.

I felt conflicted at first but I now see how much you give to others. Where is the 'me time' in your bust life! Nowhere.

I'd definitely pull back on helping anyone. You do a lot.

For anyone who missed your post - you said...

"I work Monday- Friday 7-3. Dh starts later so he can do beakfasts and drop the kids at school/nursery. I pick the kids up come home make tea. We eat together as a family then it’s homework, family time, bath, and bed. One of us does bath and bedtime the other cleans up after the evening meal and has a quick tidy round.
One evening I go to my dads for a few hours and dh does tea, bath and bed and the cleaning. One evening he goes to the pub and I do tea, bath, bed and cleaning.
At the weekend I spend 4 hours cleaning, cooking and shopping for my dad while dh has the kids. When I come home he goes for a couple of hours to the gym, or to play golf or see a friend. In between that we do our own cleaning, washing, shopping for the week.
The remaining day is family day. Where we spend time together."

I cannot see any 'Rose' time in this schedule at all.

Xxxxxxx

I think OP knows about struggling and a lot of stress - y'know, what with having a young family, cancer recovery, looking after her father, doing a full-time job, and all. . .

busy

@Eviebeans

Have read some but not entire thread so ignore if this has already been suggested - perhaps you could suggest arranging a time when you could go round when they are all at home and help them all with the cleaning - allocate tasks to the kids, your brother and SIL and tackle one major task yourself - make it time limited and see how much you can get done in that space of time. Pick on tasks that make the most noticeable impact... Sometimes starting from scratch by yourself when there is a backlog may seem insurmountable...

Exactly this. And do it as a one off so that they can go forwards.

Clean once. You offered help, nut that doesn’t mean you need to help every week. If there’s too much work, refer them to a cleaning service. Is your help enough to get the house in order, your brother / Sil can keep their own house clean in the future.

just tell them, I'd rather have the kids to give you time for cleaning. You already have a lot on your plate.

OP HAS ALREADY SAID NO

Certainly not cadent

What I feel is utter confusion as to why the OP offered help if she already has too much to do and has her own serious health problems - cancer wasn’t mentioned in the OP or for several hundred posts and I hadn’t seen it. It rather changes things from the first post don’t you think?

She offered examples of the help she was able to give, despite them stretching her reserves. . .

I'm a bit surprised her brother hadn't clocked just how much she had going on. Oh wait. No I'm not.

I think you offered to help and now you are adding criteria to that help, when your offer seemed to genuinely be let me know if there is anything I can help with. They have done that...you have backtracked..looks shitty. Maybe next time dont offer at all if not truly willing

Okay. When I'm cleaning my house top to bottom, it takes around 6 hours. That's starting from something other than a shit-tip, where children who have not been litter trained just drop their business where they wish. And it's bloody hard work.

I wouldn't expect anyone to do that, or ask them to, if they offered to help me out. I might ask if they could pick something up from the shops, babysit, or do some washing?

Possibly I'm a bit weird?

@mbosnz it’s also really difficult to know where to begin in someone else’s house, especially if it’s a shit tip. It would take me twice as long to clean someone else’s house.

You wouldn’t expect it because you’re reasonable. And if you’re weird then I am too!

I've helped a friend springclean. That was eye opening enough for the both of us, lol!

I also wonder if DB's wife knew about this request? Personally, I would have been mortified.

OP - you are doing and have offered more than enough. It is not on you to clean db's house. Please don't feel guilty.

It's really important that your db learns that actually cleaning is his job too. And teaching his dc to tidy and clean is also his job.

Please restrict any help you have time for to being there for sil and helping with childcare to enable db to work.

@Italiangreyhound

Rose you have an incredibly busy time. You work I would say full time not part time. Your spre time is already taken up with your own kids and your dad.

You've offered some things you can do and I think your brother just needs to accept cleaning is not one of them.I don't think he is rude or cheeky to ask. I just think it is fine to ask and fine to say no. Why not have this thread moved to relationships now or deleted as outing, as it could be. Unless it is helping to read so many comments.

I felt conflicted at first but I now see how much you give to others. Where is the 'me time' in your bust life! Nowhere.

I'd definitely pull back on helping anyone. You do a lot.

For anyone who missed your post - you said...

"I work Monday- Friday 7-3. Dh starts later so he can do beakfasts and drop the kids at school/nursery. I pick the kids up come home make tea. We eat together as a family then it’s homework, family time, bath, and bed. One of us does bath and bedtime the other cleans up after the evening meal and has a quick tidy round.
One evening I go to my dads for a few hours and dh does tea, bath and bed and the cleaning. One evening he goes to the pub and I do tea, bath, bed and cleaning.
At the weekend I spend 4 hours cleaning, cooking and shopping for my dad while dh has the kids. When I come home he goes for a couple of hours to the gym, or to play golf or see a friend. In between that we do our own cleaning, washing, shopping for the week.
The remaining day is family day. Where we spend time together."

I cannot see any 'Rose' time in this schedule at all.

Xxxxxxx

I cannot see any ‘Rose’ time in this schedule at all. This also stood out to me.

I haven't rtt but surely you could help your brother and SIL get on top of it as a one off?

You offered. He believed you. You don't to do it, but you have misled them, sorry.

*have to

You offered to help, he told you what would help, you refused and went on tinternet to justify your reasons. If you really want to help offer to help clean the house. Its what they said would help.