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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to request to clean his house?

881 replies

Rose789 · 03/10/2020 01:32

I feel like a bitch and I’m awake at 1am worrying about it.
My brother and sil have 3 kids. Between ages of 4-10 (so all in school)
Brother works full time sil works part time (3 days a week)
Kids spend every Saturday night at their grandparents house.
Sil has been signed off for work for depression and is struggling and finding it difficult to get the motivation to do anything.
I text sil and told her if she ever needed any support or someone to listen I’m here for her.
Spoke to my brother told him if there was anything I can do to help let me know e.g if they wanted me to have the kids overnight or if they got stuck with the school run.

He’s messaged today saying what would be the most helpful is if I could go round and clean the house as it’s a bomb site and sil isn’t doing any housework and he hasn’t got time with kids.
I’ve said no for several reasons

  1. I have my own house to clean. Yes it’s hard trying to clean around kids I understand that. But that’s the same for everyone. The oldest 2 are more then old enough to start helping in the house but they have no chores at all. They will eat sweets and just drop the wrapper on the floor. Have a drink and the cup just gets put anywhere.

  2. My dad has a lot of health issues. As a result I spend at least one day and one evening a week cleaning his house doing his washing making meals, getting shopping. My brother occasionally visits and doesn’t help at all.

  3. I was ill at the start of the year and spent a lot of time in hospital. Dh managed to clean the house, look after the kids and visit me, and work full time. Brother and sil picked up dd from school on one day. No other help- or offers to help.

  4. the kids are at their grandparents every single Saturday night. Blitz the place when they are gone if you can’t do it when they are there.
    I would kill for a night off every single week.

I know my reasons are valid. But I do also feel awful for sil I have been in a similar position where everything was just too much of an effort even getting out of bed. While the mess and dishes and washing piled up around me. It’s an awful place to be and it might help her if the house is clean and tidy and she doesn’t need to worry about it. But she has a husband who is just as capable as she is at stepping up and doing the cleaning.
I’m such a people pleaser I’m really struggling to stick to my guns and refuse to help.
I’m not being unreasonable am I?

OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 03/10/2020 13:33

So you had cancer OP? Did your brother come and clean your house for you during chemo?

Howlooseisyourgoose · 03/10/2020 13:33

OP, it’s clear you have a lot on, I’m so glad you said no.

One evening a week and 4 hours on a Saturday with your dad is a big commitment.

Brother has every Saturday off, when do you have time off?!

MordredsOrrery · 03/10/2020 13:33

@Howlooseisyourgoose if they do, then OP shouldn't have offered time she didn't have.

Clymene · 03/10/2020 13:34

People are deliberately misunderstanding you Rose because baiting OPs on AIBU, especially kind ones like you, is a bit of a sport for some people. They really take pleasure in upsetting people and making them feel shit.

FWIW, you're not unreasonable, you have nothing to feel guilty about and you're worth about 10 of your brother and 100 of many of the posters on here.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 03/10/2020 13:34

Before your SIL had depression, did DB ever spend time with DF on a Saturday?

mbosnz · 03/10/2020 13:35

I'm buggered if I know where you're supposed to fit in a top to bottom clean for your brother, OP, with that schedule.

I'm knackered just reading that.

And there's absolutely no time in there for you, just to do what you want. Already.

Laureline · 03/10/2020 13:35

@PatriciaPerch

Rose, you are a giver. Nowhere in your post have you said what you do for yourself. It is all about looking after other people, making other peoples lives easier. You are a good person. Please don't feel guilty about saying no to him x
This a million times. You have a full plate, your brother is being unreasonable.
mbosnz · 03/10/2020 13:36

[quote MordredsOrrery]@Howlooseisyourgoose if they do, then OP shouldn't have offered time she didn't have.[/quote]
She offered clear examples of what she was able, at some degree of effort and trouble to herself, to give in terms of help.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 03/10/2020 13:37

Exactly @mbosnz

Straven123 · 03/10/2020 13:37

I have 3 brothers and 3 bils who don't see cleaning as their duty - naively they assume we females don't mind doing it when in fact it builds up a big grudge.
Def don't clean, he needs to get a cleaner.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2020 13:37

@Rose789 what has he replied to your "no"?

I'd tell him you meant re childcare etc due too time so perhaps you could take them for a few hours tomorrow so he has chance to clean.

ktp100 · 03/10/2020 13:40

You're in no way wrong to refuse to clean their house, OP.

Your brother has opposable thumbs so is just as able to clean a house as you are.

Just tell them that's too much, with you working full time, sorting your own kids, looking after your Dad etc

Maybe offer to have the kids for a few hours one day a week and he can schedule his cleaning in then?

Elsewyre · 03/10/2020 13:41

Arange to pop over take sit with kids and sil while you both item A and brother can clean.

Everyone's in the house everyone's interacting but theres peace and space to clean. A bit of community can help with depression rather than the exact same grind every day

Belladonna12 · 03/10/2020 13:44

@MordredsOrrery

I think YABU - you offered to help.

As for PP suggesting you take the kids so he can clean, perhaps the kids need more of him, not less, given that their mother isn't able to be as active just now?

I was thinking that she could offer that as a one-off so he could get on top of things.
beachedwhales · 03/10/2020 13:45

So you offered to do what you could to help, they asked you to help and you said no?

You sound so lovely.

MordredsOrrery · 03/10/2020 13:46

@mbosnz OP said I said if there’s anything I can do to help or if you need me to do the school run or have the kids

Frankly, I'm impressed she said she'd help at all given her schedule.

However, the AIBU was about cleaning the house and having said 'anything' originally, then to me that pushes it into U territory. Too many people repeat the 'let me know if there's anything I can do' platitude, then remember there are lots of reasons why they can't help when they're actually called upon. The intention comes from a good place but can leave things strained when it comes to the details.

Arthersleep · 03/10/2020 13:48

I'm on the fence here. Yes he should do it. But if it is piling up and detrimental to her mental health, then it could really help. So I would do it once, alongside her whilst trying to motivate her. Also draw up a cleaning chart/rota too for all of them and the kids as structure can really help. So I would do it once as a one off, esp as you did offer to help out.

justanotherneighinparadise · 03/10/2020 13:48

@beachedwhales

So you offered to do what you could to help, they asked you to help and you said no?

You sound so lovely.

Read the full thread FFS.
CaptainBrickbeard · 03/10/2020 13:49

OP, not one person on here suggesting that you go over and clean would take it on themselves if they had your schedule and your commitments given that your brother has a child free night every week and is perfectly capable of cleaning his own house. And no one really thinks that an offer of ‘anything to help’ literally means absolutely anything. That would be insane.

SallySeven · 03/10/2020 13:49

Having read all your posts you are being reasonable imo.

You do sound like a very giving person who so it's going to feel "wrong" for you to say no to anything. But it's not wrong or unkind to have these boundaries : you need them to maintain the ability to help.

smurfette1818 · 03/10/2020 13:51

This thread has taught me that people are a lot more literal then I am.

OP I am with you I am offered and being offered a generic "if there is anything I can do" over the years. It never across my mind to take the piss. You are very reasonable in my opinion. I am genuinely confused of the responses here that say that when you offered it actually literally mean anything Shock.

SupremeDreamz · 03/10/2020 13:51

I am so shocked at the responses on here. "You offered", Jesus Christ.

  1. When someone says "is there anything I can do", it's on the person hearing that to be reasonable. The OP already gave her brother examples of the kind of things she would be willing to do and he has come up with this.

  2. He didn't ask her to "pop" over and do the washing up while he cracks on with hoovering or something. He wants her to "clean the house as it’s a bomb site". That's a big ask, everyone banging on about having done that for someone, great, so have I, but only because someone needed that, not because a perfectly capable person (OP's brother) could not be arsed.

  3. He can't clean the house himself because he has kids to look after. So...a reasonable person would take the OP up on the offer of childcare and clean their own home. Not pick the task they clearly prefer and shoe horn the other off on the person offering to help. Surely people get that?

If I didn't have time to get my shopping done and scrub my kitchen floor and you offered to help me, which task is it reasonable to offload onto you?

  1. The kids leave mess everywhere and this guy would rather get his sister to pick that up rather than...I dunno, tell/teach his kids to not leave mess everywhere.

  2. He doesn't do any of the shopping/cooking/cleaning for his father because the OP does it all. Now his wife is suffering from depression it makes more sense to him to get his sister to clean his house rather than do it himself.

It really sounds like this man thinks cleaning is something vaginas do and no matter what the circumstances he would rather shunt those duties onto a woman than do it himself. The kids go to the Gps on Saturday nights, he could ask OP to have them from that house on a Sunday.....or ask him sister to do it for him while he...what exactly?

There's every chance going forward that this is something he would come to expect/ask for all the time because otherwise he would make clear that he knows this is a big ask and he's only asking because there's no way he can do it himself. There is, he takes Op up on the offer of childcare. If he was a single parent would OP have to clean for him all the time like she does for the father with health issues?

  1. You can look after kids and clean your house too. The idea that this man is incapable of doing the cleaning his wife usually does because he has children is ridiculous.

  2. People suggesting the handholding method of going round and sitting someone else's family down and training them and helping them and chivvying them on to do some cleaning...again, yeah, if they really needed that, OK. Or could this bloke manage that himself?

I apologise for the length of that but this whole site has an attitude that women have to move heaven and Earth to clean for men who cba and it winds me up.

mbosnz · 03/10/2020 13:52

I have one sister out of three, that I'd offer, and do for. Dependent on my limitations as to time, childcare, and energy to spare. The other two never do nuffin', for nobody, but are first with their hands out for help. And I'm done enabling that bullshit.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 03/10/2020 13:54

@CaptainBrickbeard

OP, not one person on here suggesting that you go over and clean would take it on themselves if they had your schedule and your commitments given that your brother has a child free night every week and is perfectly capable of cleaning his own house. And no one really thinks that an offer of ‘anything to help’ literally means absolutely anything. That would be insane.
I thought exactly the same. Armchair cleaners!
OVienna · 03/10/2020 13:56

@SupremeDreamz

I am so shocked at the responses on here. "You offered", Jesus Christ.

  1. When someone says "is there anything I can do", it's on the person hearing that to be reasonable. The OP already gave her brother examples of the kind of things she would be willing to do and he has come up with this.

  2. He didn't ask her to "pop" over and do the washing up while he cracks on with hoovering or something. He wants her to "clean the house as it’s a bomb site". That's a big ask, everyone banging on about having done that for someone, great, so have I, but only because someone needed that, not because a perfectly capable person (OP's brother) could not be arsed.

  3. He can't clean the house himself because he has kids to look after. So...a reasonable person would take the OP up on the offer of childcare and clean their own home. Not pick the task they clearly prefer and shoe horn the other off on the person offering to help. Surely people get that?

If I didn't have time to get my shopping done and scrub my kitchen floor and you offered to help me, which task is it reasonable to offload onto you?

  1. The kids leave mess everywhere and this guy would rather get his sister to pick that up rather than...I dunno, tell/teach his kids to not leave mess everywhere.

  2. He doesn't do any of the shopping/cooking/cleaning for his father because the OP does it all. Now his wife is suffering from depression it makes more sense to him to get his sister to clean his house rather than do it himself.

It really sounds like this man thinks cleaning is something vaginas do and no matter what the circumstances he would rather shunt those duties onto a woman than do it himself. The kids go to the Gps on Saturday nights, he could ask OP to have them from that house on a Sunday.....or ask him sister to do it for him while he...what exactly?

There's every chance going forward that this is something he would come to expect/ask for all the time because otherwise he would make clear that he knows this is a big ask and he's only asking because there's no way he can do it himself. There is, he takes Op up on the offer of childcare. If he was a single parent would OP have to clean for him all the time like she does for the father with health issues?

  1. You can look after kids and clean your house too. The idea that this man is incapable of doing the cleaning his wife usually does because he has children is ridiculous.

  2. People suggesting the handholding method of going round and sitting someone else's family down and training them and helping them and chivvying them on to do some cleaning...again, yeah, if they really needed that, OK. Or could this bloke manage that himself?

I apologise for the length of that but this whole site has an attitude that women have to move heaven and Earth to clean for men who cba and it winds me up.

I think my own response to this OP has come from enough years as an adult now to have learned the hard way that one person's being reasonable is just not another person's. I have made requests deemed unreasonable and also been asked them.

I am not saying that the OP shouldn't set boundaries. My view is that the problems start when people assume theirs are the same as others. I can understand why she is frustrated but also that her brother may be genuinely confused about what he did wrong.