To say no to request to clean his house?

[Rose789]

I feel like a bitch and I’m awake at 1am worrying about it.
My brother and sil have 3 kids. Between ages of 4-10 (so all in school)
Brother works full time sil works part time (3 days a week)
Kids spend every Saturday night at their grandparents house.
Sil has been signed off for work for depression and is struggling and finding it difficult to get the motivation to do anything.
I text sil and told her if she ever needed any support or someone to listen I’m here for her.
Spoke to my brother told him if there was anything I can do to help let me know e.g if they wanted me to have the kids overnight or if they got stuck with the school run.

He’s messaged today saying what would be the most helpful is if I could go round and clean the house as it’s a bomb site and sil isn’t doing any housework and he hasn’t got time with kids.
I’ve said no for several reasons

1. I have my own house to clean. Yes it’s hard trying to clean around kids I understand that. But that’s the same for everyone. The oldest 2 are more then old enough to start helping in the house but they have no chores at all. They will eat sweets and just drop the wrapper on the floor. Have a drink and the cup just gets put anywhere.

2. My dad has a lot of health issues. As a result I spend at least one day and one evening a week cleaning his house doing his washing making meals, getting shopping. My brother occasionally visits and doesn’t help at all.

3. I was ill at the start of the year and spent a lot of time in hospital. Dh managed to clean the house, look after the kids and visit me, and work full time. Brother and sil picked up dd from school on one day. No other help- or offers to help.

4. the kids are at their grandparents every single Saturday night. Blitz the place when they are gone if you can’t do it when they are there.
   I would kill for a night off every single week.

I know my reasons are valid. But I do also feel awful for sil I have been in a similar position where everything was just too much of an effort even getting out of bed. While the mess and dishes and washing piled up around me. It’s an awful place to be and it might help her if the house is clean and tidy and she doesn’t need to worry about it. But she has a husband who is just as capable as she is at stepping up and doing the cleaning.
I’m such a people pleaser I’m really struggling to stick to my guns and refuse to help.
I’m not being unreasonable am I?

Hahaha l would say no. He works full time not every waking moment! My partner and l both work 40-50 hours each week but don’t live in squalor. You offered to help, not be their skivvy. Being blunt but it she’s lying in bed every day that’s not going to help her

All the ‘but you offered’ people are really missing the bigger point here about who gives service and who doesn’t have to.

Is everything in your lives so literal?

Did you specifically limit your offer of help to school runs or having the kids over?

If you tell both people ‘tell me if there is anything I can to do help’ then that extends to cleaning which sounds like they really could do with help with.

Once it’s sorted it is much easier to keep on top off and get the kids to help with, sounds like both might be lost as where to start. You could even show the kids how to help Mum and Dad.

Also it’s not their fault you didn’t get the help you needed when you needed unless you asked, in which case why offer or with your Dad again unless you’ve asked

YANBU. Could you and the rest of your family club together to buy a one off clean?

As for ‘she’s lying in bed’ either you believe in depression in which case help, or you don’t in which case don’t offer it

I would offer to go over and blitz the kitchen say with the brother.
But I have a cleaner and for her to clean efficiently, I need to ensure that the area is tidy, stuff in bibs or away, surfaces clear, dishes in dishwasher.
So it's a 2 stage job.
So go over, and work with brother to clean kitchen and he does bathroom. Maybe see what other areas can be done quick (ie 10 mins to tidy Lounge so he can hoover and dust later)
I'd not mind so much doing it together as me doing it on my own.

I don't think it's right of him to ask you to do that. As a PP said, it's not a one off job and you might find yourself back there next week / every week.

You could take the kids on a Sunday and he could blitz the house himself.

@MrsRusselBrand

Nobody has said cleaning is a woman's job , this is about one human being asking another human being for help. Why are people bringing gender into it ? Why is every post I read on MN somehow boil down to this- it's detracting from the OP and diluting the answers with stuff that's likely not relevant to her . OP - I wish you the best , you do sound like you have loads on your plate too . Let's hope you and your brother get through it OK x

Oh well in that case that means this particular male will most likely have some male mates he can ask for help because unfortunately OP is too busy cleaning her own house and their fathers house to clean his house too.

YABU

You offered to help.

When you're depressed and struggling, actually asking for help is fucking hard for lots of people. It doesn't matter how you view the situation logically from the outside because that isn't how it's experienced when someone is depressed.

So they took you up in your offer and you withdrew it because they don't need the very specific type of help that you're willing to offer. Although it doesn't sound like you told them what was acceptable at the outset.

Are people really like this?

If the kids are visiting grandparents your brother can clean then.

@CaptainBrickbeard
I didn't suggest that at all . You have muddled me up with another poster !!

You offered to help. It didn't come with conditions on whether it was only jobs you fancied doing did it? I know it's a ball ache to clean someone elses house when you have your own to clean but I've had depression does it ever really leave you? and cleaning the house was a massive amount of stress for me, it just seemed insurmountable at the time. Perhaps your brother is feeling lost and overwhelmed by it all. Perhaps he needs some support as well and would like you to be around for a bit.
Take my word for it when they recover they will remember who was there for them, depression is a vile condition that robs you of any coping skills. Help them out op.

@justanotherneighinparadise

You look after the kids and he cleans his own house!!

Don't you think it might be important for him to prioritise spending time with his kids when their mum is poorly?

@Poppingnostopping

People saying 'don't offer to help' are being ridiculous.

My husband died, lots of people offered to help, I didn't send them round a cleaning rota! They offered the type of things they could actually do- so making an extra meal, giving me a lift somewhere, just phoning for support.

'Let me know if I can help' is a social code. The OP's brother can read the social code, he knows it's cheeky, but he hates cleaning so gave it a whirl. I hate how women especially would feel guilty about this. If the OP had been male, then there no way on earth he would have texted his brother who said 'let me know if you need a hand' with a request to come over and clean!

Do you know him?

@tearstainedbakes

YABU

You offered to help.

When you're depressed and struggling, actually asking for help is fucking hard for lots of people. It doesn't matter how you view the situation logically from the outside because that isn't how it's experienced when someone is depressed.

So they took you up in your offer and you withdrew it because they don't need the very specific type of help that you're willing to offer. Although it doesn't sound like you told them what was acceptable at the outset.

Are people really like this?

But weirdly the SIL hasn’t reached out for help has she? The husband has asked for help because there’s a house staff vacancy and he’s hoping to fill the role for free. I would imagine SIL has no idea he has even asked.

You asked. He told you.

YABU - this is what they need, not your 'idea' of help.

Your brother sounds like a lazy, sexist, mysoginist. And a cheeky fucker to boot. What did his last slave die of?

At most I would offer to have the kids round for an afternoon so he can clean since a clean house is apparently what would help your SIL.

I agree with the PP that your feelings about your brother are interfering with your desire to support your SIL

The problem with those suggesting a cleaner is that it sounds like the house needs to be tidied/sorted before it can be cleaned. To be honest I find the tidying often takes more time than the cleaning and you need to know where to put things. The other thing to suggest is that they organise a 'family tidy weekend', everyone mucks in - children etc. Start to instil into the children that they need to tidy up after themselves.

I’m sorry but also in the ‘you offered camp’
I’d do it ONCE and then say he needs a cleaner and support getting one in

I just think when you are low and people refuse to help , it’s dispiriting

Don't you think it might be important for him to prioritise spending time with his kids when their mum is poorly?

Omg I’ve heard it all now!!!!! Then let the husband and children bond whilst cleaning up the house! Fucking hell ive never heard such a large collection of pathetic excuses to not clean up your own shit.

@MrsRusselBrand sorry!

@justanotherneighinparadise
He asked his sibling . I would always ask my family first
To those touting the whole gender 'men are lazy bastards ' card - how would you have responded if this was a female asking , very differently I bet . And that means you are making gender assumptions .
The bother could be a lazy piss taker or could be the salt of the earth. NONE of us could possibly know that

You offered “was there anything you could do”. He asked for help and you said no. Nice! He’ll not ask again I’m sure.

Your brother is taking the right royal pee. His wife might be ill but he isn't. There's nothing stopping him from cleaning his house and clearing up after his disrespectful children. It's pretty clear where his kids get their attitude towards their home and their 'usual cleaner' from.

"Anything I can do?", answered by "Please could you clean the house" (I'm assuming that he did say please?), is an acceptable response from a sick lone parent, not from a perfectly healthy man.

I think I might offer to clean once WITH HIM to make sure he knows how to it properly himself.

Yes he should be able to work it out but it would be both a kind and constructive thing to do.