Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boss loudly and excessively telling me about his ‘DARLING WIFE’

130 replies

ZiggyStarburst · 02/10/2020 18:58

Bit of a weird WFH one. I think my boss’s wife is listening to our calls.

I work closely with Boss, in a tiny team in big institution. We get on very well and chat etc in office hours but not outside it, and have never met up socially etc. We’ve WFH almost exclusively in last 7 months.

In the last couple of weeks he has started getting quite weird, loudly telling me last Friday that we wouldn’t be speaking over the weekend (Confusedneither of us has ever called each other over the weekend) and excessively and loudly talking about his ‘darling wife’ - literally crowbarred in to conversation as much as possible.

Background to this is that two weeks ago I told boss a male client had mentioned wanking (twice) and the same client had then been difficult in a meeting. Boss said nothing about the wanking thing but said I had misread the meeting. It has been weird since then, especially these calls. I have seen him once in RL which was normal but went back to weird as soon as WFH again.

So my question is, should I do something about this? I feel hugely uncomfortable being told excessively about his ‘DARLING WIFE’. (I very rarely mention my DH btw).

Until recently we had a great working relationship and I don’t want to disrupt that. However, I think the thing of me discussing wanking may (?) have caused him/his wife boundary issues? He is also good friends with this client.

YABU - leave this to blow over
YANBU - deal with it

OP posts:
Mandalayblonde · 02/10/2020 22:01

@IseeIsee

If he is loudly proclaiming that he wouldn't be calling you over the weekend then my guess is that he was calling someone and was caught and said it was you. The wanking incident was ages ago so probably not related.

This probably has nothing to do with you.

@IseeIsee has it...

It's nothing to do with you.

He was caught up to some comms with someone else and used your name as an alibi.

Now he's covering his tracks.

FOJN · 02/10/2020 22:02

Mulhollandmagoo

You beat me to it.

Sounds like he's been making phone calls at the weekend and telling his wife they're work related, she's told him to stop doing that which is why he's had to loudly tell OP he won't be able to speak to her at the weekend even though he's never done so.

Mandalayblonde · 02/10/2020 22:03

*something

BitOfFun · 02/10/2020 22:06

If you aren't trilling away swapping puppy memes, then you aren't anything to do with the other thread. This sounds very different.

gingerwhinger0 · 02/10/2020 22:10

Maybe it’s a coded cry for help, is his darling wife holding him hostage.

It honestly sounds like he’s doing it for his wife’s benefit because she’s noticed your close work relationship and is jealous, or she’s suspicious of an affair and he’s now over compensating. He ‘ had’ to make important work call last weekend to side piece and he’s using you to cover his tracks.

Would hope it will all die down again soon and normal business resumes, but I would just look at him slightly perplexed before moving the conversation on.

Bearnecessity · 02/10/2020 22:20

I had this with my ds's football coach, I cracked what I thought was a fairly innocuous joke and for 2/3 subsequent meetings he kept on going on about his lovely wife as if I fancied him and it was unreciprocated. I found it hilarious...he did tell me if he had his time again he wouldn't have got married...with quite a look in his eye.....She in her turn looks at me as some not to be trusted harlot out for her man...you couldn't make it up it is for me comical I wouldn't find it so funny at work I am sure you have my sympathies OP.

TheSpottedZebra · 02/10/2020 22:55

Ooh, have you been MNing from your work computer, and all the DARLING WIFE stuff is him letting you know that he knows.

SandyY2K · 02/10/2020 22:56

When he said we won't be speaking this weekend, I'm wondering why your response wasn't something like, "what do you mean? We never speak at weekends"

Honestly, I'd just ignore the comments about his wife and act like you didn't hear it.

Responding by bringing in your DH is just silly to me.

The client is disgusting and behaved inappropriately. What a sleaze. I don't like the fact that your boss thinks you misread or misunderstood.

Original poster
ZiggyStarburst · 02/10/2020 22:59

she has got completely the wrong end of the stick. So to speak. Lol. Grin I would actually be amazed if any of my colleagues were able to pull off having an affair right now. No one has an excuse to go anywhere.

Thanks to those who have said it is for his wife’s benefit - I think the weird weekend phone calls thing must be. Or at least a weird out-loud work/life balance assertion. As @Bearnecessity says, it’s not that funny when it’s my job and I am junior - it feels serious and like it is on a bit of a knife edge.

No swapping puppy memes here - but we did have pretty good banter about Covid or Brexit or whatever. I would have been pleased to be put next to him at the Christmas party - til now.

OP posts:
Original poster
ZiggyStarburst · 02/10/2020 23:01

@Mulhollandmagoo Would you feel confident in raising it with his next time you're in the office together? Previously I did feel I could raise things with him - which is why I said about the client. I really got that wrong tho.

OP posts:
Original poster
ZiggyStarburst · 02/10/2020 23:02

I don't like the fact that your boss thinks you misread or misunderstood.

Client is big spender client, and my boss’s friend. Basically a lot easier for it to be an issue with my thin skin and poor mental health.

OP posts:
GoldfishParade · 02/10/2020 23:08

I agree he has been caught messing around and you were his cover story

DundeeDiva · 03/10/2020 00:37

Urgh, I hate it when people do this. I've had similar with a friend - we used to banter away and then as soon as I became single he felt the need when inviting me round (as he always had) to caveat it with "just as friends" as he had a girlfriend. Made me SO uncomfortable and pissed off that I was being made to feel that way when I'd done nothing to suggest I was about to jump him. I can't imagine how much worse it is when it's your boss! But it's definitely for his wife's benefit.

Not sure how I would handle in a work environment. In my situation I called him out on it but you can't really do that with your boss.

Interested to see the advice you'll get but I'd be inclined to limit phone/Skype interaction with him to the minimum your job allows.

timeisnotaline · 03/10/2020 00:53

I would definitely do this, partly because this is a perfectly normal conversion for me with my colleagues- Could you just gently /subtly acknowledge his wife. Eg on Monday, 'did you and Marjorie have a nice weekend?’ that kind of thing.
I’d always ask about families, so you may as well build that into your regular conversation.
But v weird re the client. Is there a hr you can also report it to/ as just noting, boss thinks he’s handled but I’m a bit concerned it will happen again. I don’t need to find myself in pointed conversations about that at work.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/10/2020 01:09

@ZiggyStarburst

I don't like the fact that your boss thinks you misread or misunderstood.

Client is big spender client, and my boss’s friend. Basically a lot easier for it to be an issue with my thin skin and poor mental health.

Big spender or not, his discussing masturbation during a work call crosses a boundary. The fact that this client is your boss's mate speaks volumes. I've been there, but luckily as a freelancer. Sounds like your boss is happy to throw you under the bus.

Personally, I'd contact ACAS with my concerns, then email both the the client and the boss with a clear mandate for acceptable conversations going forward.

Sounds like a horrible boundary infringement to me but it absolutely needs addressing dbs the pair of them should feel ashamed if that's their interpretation of a healthy working relationship.

joystir59 · 03/10/2020 01:12

Can't imagine discussing masturbation with a boss.

timeisnotaline · 03/10/2020 01:16

I wouldn’t ‘discuss’ it with a boss but I would absolutely report inappropriate behaviour to a boss, and if that included client said wanking then I’d say it, I wouldn’t pussyfoot around saying client said something inappropriate about down there. That doesn’t give them enough information.

Anordinarymum · 03/10/2020 01:31

@GoldfishParade

I agree he has been caught messing around and you were his cover story
I am inclined to think this also.
JimmyJabs · 03/10/2020 01:37

@ZiggyStarburst

Since he has failed to deal with it and is now treating you differently, I would now document with HR even if you want no further action at this stage.

I have considered going to HR but honestly, this feels a pretty big step. I would like to sort it out if I can, and turn it down a notch. Boss and I need to work together functionally.

But this thing where I feel listened to on calls/repeatedly told about his wife will not work - I am a grown up, and ultimately do not need unsought quasi-rejection in every call about invoicing and client work.

That's an extremely good way of putting it - you're being unsubtly told to back off every time you speak to him, and it's bloody insulting. I'm currently in a very similar situation. My boss calls me on Teams a couple of times per week to check on my workload, but over the last two or three months he's started namedropping his wife into conversations that have absolutely nothing to do with her. Where it differs is that I'm single and older than him, so the idea that he sees me as this desperate creature who needs to be constantly knocked back lest I mistake basic polite interaction for mad lust, is insulting and baffling in equal measure.

It's really shit, but there seem to be threads on here at least twice a week on the subject of "My DH talks to his female colleague and sometimes I hear them laughing, AIBU to ask him to stop communicating with her?" so I wouldn't be surprised if his wife has had a go at him and he's now having to loudly let her know that she's in his thoughts at all times.

I don't know what to suggest, but I'm reading with interest to see if there's any ideas I can use myself!

Original poster
ZiggyStarburst · 03/10/2020 08:48

What if I unsubtly say at some point that I am trying to reorganise my house so that everyone has privacy to be on the phone. I don’t want DCs and DH to feel overheard, equally I don’t want callers to feel like they are on the phone to more than the person they called?

OP posts:
JimmyJabs · 03/10/2020 09:49

That might work if he's doing it so his wife can hear him; frame it as a GDPR thing about customer confidentiality. Does he not wear headphones during your calls so that at least your side of the conversation can't be heard?

If he's doing it because he thinks you fancy him, I think you'd need another tactic though.

doublehalo · 03/10/2020 10:11

You're thinking to tell you require more privacy whilst on the phone to him? Not a good idea. He's already skittish about something so you need to be keeping it super professional. I think lots of people don't take those kind of hints anyway.

WilsonMilson · 03/10/2020 10:33

I completely agree with posters who think this isn’t about you at all. Or the wanking client.

I think your boss been caught out by his wife with some other indiscretion and you’re being scapegoated for it to cover his tracks. I think his wife is likely monitoring his contact with you (and maybe everyone).

I think you should speak to him about it in person if you do challenge him, you won’t get anywhere doing it over the phone or video call as his wife is likely on high alert.

Honestly, unless it gets unbearable I’d be tempted to assume domestic drama and ignore.

SteveArnottsbeadyeyes · 03/10/2020 10:43

All very fucking weird. I don’t think the wanking thing is connected. It’s more like either he, or his wife have got it into their heads that you fancy him.
Honestly - unprofessional or not, I think I would stage something with DH the n the background or similar. Or at the very least when he’s banging on about darling wife say counter it.

SteveArnottsbeadyeyes · 03/10/2020 10:47

Or maybe at least say something like “oh you mention dw so often- it’s lovely to see a couple so close” or some shit like that.
Many moons ago I worked in a pub - think I was about 22 and had a lovely boyfriend my age. Landlords wife completely got it into her head that I fancied him (he was in his 40’s, looked like Rodney, and was quite obviously and alcoholic). My absolute look of horror when she decided to confront me and me saying “him! Are you joking” still didn’t convince her

Swipe left for the next trending thread