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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boss loudly and excessively telling me about his ‘DARLING WIFE’

130 replies

ZiggyStarburst · 02/10/2020 18:58

Bit of a weird WFH one. I think my boss’s wife is listening to our calls.

I work closely with Boss, in a tiny team in big institution. We get on very well and chat etc in office hours but not outside it, and have never met up socially etc. We’ve WFH almost exclusively in last 7 months.

In the last couple of weeks he has started getting quite weird, loudly telling me last Friday that we wouldn’t be speaking over the weekend (Confusedneither of us has ever called each other over the weekend) and excessively and loudly talking about his ‘darling wife’ - literally crowbarred in to conversation as much as possible.

Background to this is that two weeks ago I told boss a male client had mentioned wanking (twice) and the same client had then been difficult in a meeting. Boss said nothing about the wanking thing but said I had misread the meeting. It has been weird since then, especially these calls. I have seen him once in RL which was normal but went back to weird as soon as WFH again.

So my question is, should I do something about this? I feel hugely uncomfortable being told excessively about his ‘DARLING WIFE’. (I very rarely mention my DH btw).

Until recently we had a great working relationship and I don’t want to disrupt that. However, I think the thing of me discussing wanking may (?) have caused him/his wife boundary issues? He is also good friends with this client.

YABU - leave this to blow over
YANBU - deal with it

OP posts:
rattlemehearties · 02/10/2020 20:35

Sounds like he doesn't believe you on the dodgy client

And that he is somehow trying to cover his own back by insisting he is never inappropriate because he has a darling wife don't you know

Trisolaris · 02/10/2020 20:36

Some of the advice here is really bad.

You absolutely shouldn’t act unprofessionally just because he is.

If a client was unprofessional you absolutely did the right thing in raising it to your line manager in the first instance. Since he has failed to deal with it and is now treating you differently, I would now document with HR even if you want no further action at this stage.

When he keeps going on about his darling wife I would just keep bringing it back to work. Eg ‘How nice. Now about the account’

LoveEatYoga · 02/10/2020 20:39

Ask him

IseeIsee · 02/10/2020 20:42

If he is loudly proclaiming that he wouldn't be calling you over the weekend then my guess is that he was calling someone and was caught and said it was you. The wanking incident was ages ago so probably not related.

This probably has nothing to do with you.

CountFosco · 02/10/2020 20:51

Boss: I couldn't finish the task yesterday as my darling wife complained I was doing too much overtime.
You: Excuse me, Jeremy/Mr Smith, can I just ask you something? I would really like to keep these meetings about work only. I know we are working from home, but I'd really rather you didn't bring up your family in our conversations. Can we agree to just talk about work?

I think that response is just weird though. In my experience people do talk about their families at work and if anything it is to be expected even more now we're all WFH. DH and I work in different rooms but we've both walked in on the other's zoom calls at times and it is strange seeing how your OH is at work. My bosses kids were regular participants in our group meetings till the schools went back and a colleague now has the NN Blofeld because his cat joins our calls so regularly.

I'm not sure what the best response is though. Probably pointedly ignore all references to his wife and just be very professional yourself. But maybe escalate the problematic client. If one of our clients harrassed a member of our staff like that we'd refuse to work with them any more. Understand that not every company can do that at the moment of course.

Windywendys · 02/10/2020 20:52

This is really odd. There was a thread on here about a week or so ago from a wife who was getting annoyed at her dh talking to his work colleague over the phone, laughing and joking and the work colleague had apparently said some thing sexually inappropriate.

I wonder if it was about you!

Blonde87 · 02/10/2020 20:55

Sounds like his wife is listening to the calls and hes being careful to mention her x

WiserOwl · 02/10/2020 21:01

@Butchyrestingface

Do you think he thinks you want him?
Yes, I think he THINKS you want him Confused
Original poster
ZiggyStarburst · 02/10/2020 21:04

Since he has failed to deal with it and is now treating you differently, I would now document with HR even if you want no further action at this stage.

I have considered going to HR but honestly, this feels a pretty big step. I would like to sort it out if I can, and turn it down a notch. Boss and I need to work together functionally.

But this thing where I feel listened to on calls/repeatedly told about his wife will not work - I am a grown up, and ultimately do not need unsought quasi-rejection in every call about invoicing and client work.

OP posts:
Upsidedownpineapplecake · 02/10/2020 21:08

If he is loudly proclaiming that he wouldn't be calling you over the weekend then my guess is that he was calling someone and was caught and said it was you

This

Original poster
ZiggyStarburst · 02/10/2020 21:08

This is really odd. There was a thread on here about a week or so ago from a wife who was getting annoyed at her dh talking to his work colleague over the phone

Really @Windywendys - are you able to link the thread?! Could it be about me?!

OP posts:
Elsewyre · 02/10/2020 21:11

@FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18

Could it be that because he thinks you misread the situation with the client, you could misread him too? So he's trying extra hard to let you know he's not available for any shenanigans?

I mean, not sure how you can misread someone talking about wanking in the workplace, but.... Men.

There is that Mitchell and web sketch about working from home and having to "reign in the wanking"
Elsewyre · 02/10/2020 21:12

@ZiggyStarburst

Lovely DH would do anything I ask re sticking up for me. I could get him to come into calls or whatever and I have considered it but - it’s the working day! And I am a professional.

Saying ‘DARLING HUSBAND’ excessively just seems weak and churlish. And also doesn’t seem like it will bring this to an end, but really might escalate bad feeling.

Remind me again what DH stands for?
BDOne · 02/10/2020 21:14

@Diverseopinions your response (that sounds quite delightful...’) has made my evening!

I’m going to steal this and use it at every opportunity!

Elsewyre · 02/10/2020 21:24

@doublehalo

"That sounds quite delightful. Thank you for sharing it with me. The view you mention has brightened the mood of the day"

I love this - especially the bolded bit! Made me laugh Grin. A perfect response for all awkward occasions.

I get the feeling people saying that dont actually work with other human beings over the age of 10 ..
DollyDoneMore · 02/10/2020 21:34

@ravenmum

Bringing in husbands and responding to his comments about his private life just seems so unprofessional, though. I think I'd approach it from the position of a professional woman who thinks that he is the unprofessional one for bringing it up.

Boss: I couldn't finish the task yesterday as my darling wife complained I was doing too much overtime.
You: Excuse me, Jeremy/Mr Smith, can I just ask you something? I would really like to keep these meetings about work only. I know we are working from home, but I'd really rather you didn't bring up your family in our conversations. Can we agree to just talk about work?

What stick-up-your-arse job do you do where talking about your family on a work call is unprofessional?

I talk about my family all the time at work, to colleagues, to clients, to suppliers. It’s not unprofessional, it’s human.

Original poster
ZiggyStarburst · 02/10/2020 21:39

I do talk about my family at work, but it would be general and undemonstrative (if affectionate in a professional way).

The ‘Darling Husband’ stuff would be very notable. And tbh I don’t really want to do it. It feels weird.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/10/2020 21:41

@Upsidedownpineapplecake

If he is loudly proclaiming that he wouldn't be calling you over the weekend then my guess is that he was calling someone and was caught and said it was you

This

But that doesn't make sense - he WAS calling her!
HollowTalk · 02/10/2020 21:43

It sounds very strange - does he actually say the words "Darling Wife"? Maybe his wife is a Mumsnetter and has asked him to drop a hint to you - of course if she was writing, it would be DH.

Travis1 · 02/10/2020 21:45

His wifes a mumsnetter who doesn’t believe that a man and woman can converse about work and general chit chat without wanting into each others knickers.....

Original poster
ZiggyStarburst · 02/10/2020 21:46

Yes - he says ‘darling wife’. I have actually heard him say it once or twice before but not recently until this weird thing of saying it several times a day.

OP posts:
Mulhollandmagoo · 02/10/2020 21:46

What are the chances that he's having an affair IRL?? And his wife is suspicious of you (incorrectly of course) and he's trying to cover his tracks? His behaviour is clearly arousing suspicion at home. Has he been with someone on weekends and blamed work when his wife has pulled him up on it maybe? Would you feel confident in raising it with his next time you're in the office together?

coldgraybrix · 02/10/2020 21:48

Perhaps he (somewhat ill-advisedly) mentioned to his wife that you had spoken to him about the talking-about-wanking client, and she has got completely the wrong end of the stick. So to speak.

supercatlady · 02/10/2020 21:52

Maybe he thinks his darling wife has bugged his phone?

Notyoungbutscrappyandhungry · 02/10/2020 21:56

@FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18

Could it be that because he thinks you misread the situation with the client, you could misread him too? So he's trying extra hard to let you know he's not available for any shenanigans?

I mean, not sure how you can misread someone talking about wanking in the workplace, but.... Men.

This. He is socially awkward and trying to be above board so as not to be misunderstood.....and now is actually being weird in his attempt to be normal. I'd leave it.