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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boss loudly and excessively telling me about his ‘DARLING WIFE’

130 replies

ZiggyStarburst · 02/10/2020 18:58

Bit of a weird WFH one. I think my boss’s wife is listening to our calls.

I work closely with Boss, in a tiny team in big institution. We get on very well and chat etc in office hours but not outside it, and have never met up socially etc. We’ve WFH almost exclusively in last 7 months.

In the last couple of weeks he has started getting quite weird, loudly telling me last Friday that we wouldn’t be speaking over the weekend (Confusedneither of us has ever called each other over the weekend) and excessively and loudly talking about his ‘darling wife’ - literally crowbarred in to conversation as much as possible.

Background to this is that two weeks ago I told boss a male client had mentioned wanking (twice) and the same client had then been difficult in a meeting. Boss said nothing about the wanking thing but said I had misread the meeting. It has been weird since then, especially these calls. I have seen him once in RL which was normal but went back to weird as soon as WFH again.

So my question is, should I do something about this? I feel hugely uncomfortable being told excessively about his ‘DARLING WIFE’. (I very rarely mention my DH btw).

Until recently we had a great working relationship and I don’t want to disrupt that. However, I think the thing of me discussing wanking may (?) have caused him/his wife boundary issues? He is also good friends with this client.

YABU - leave this to blow over
YANBU - deal with it

OP posts:
markzuckerbergsgreytshirt · 02/10/2020 19:34

So the clients behaviour was 6 months ago ? I don't think these two things are related. Are you sure you're not reading too much into it with him mentioning his wife? If you're both not used to working from home then perhaps he's only mentioning her as he's seeing a lot more of her than usual, nothing sinister about that.

Dilligaf81 · 02/10/2020 19:35

I think his wife has heard some calls and said "you never mention me". I have no idea why you need to mention a partner at work but maybe he just wants an easy life.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/10/2020 19:35

It sounds perhaps as if he thinks you’re up for it with anyone. Or maybe since the talked about wanting he’s been fantasising about you. I wouldn’t handle head on. If you say something it will be the lady doth protest too much. Maybe start talking about your significant other. If you don’t have one, make one up. You have a date this weekend. That sort of thing. Have a look at everything you do and ensure you are making it clear you’re unavailable and only interested in a working relationship.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/10/2020 19:37

Oh I’ve seen other responses. Ah maybe they’re better explanations. I hope.

Busybrain2020 · 02/10/2020 19:37

It's probably not about you, it's probably a bit of showboating to the wife and trying to sound like he talks about her loads at work. Maybe she's only recently started WFH or is around more or something.

Original poster
ZiggyStarburst · 02/10/2020 19:37

What next steps do you all advise?

Is he sexist? (Yes, probably, but that isn’t news)

Can I take the relentless implication that I need constant boundaries (No, not if this working relationship is going to survive)

Can I keep the client at a distance? Yep, everyone is WFH almost exclusively so it’s just Teams meetings.

OP posts:
TheSpottedZebra · 02/10/2020 19:42

Could you just gently /subtly acknowledge his wife. Eg on Monday, 'did you and Marjorie have a nice weekend?', that kind of thing.

Dont start talking about dates.

coldgraybrix · 02/10/2020 19:47

Seems to me that his odd behaviour on the phone is for the benefit of his wife, who is probably eavesdropping in the background if he is WFH.

I think that this is more likely about his relationship with her and it's not aimed at you at all.

Thisbastardcomputer · 02/10/2020 19:53

In my last job I used to travel a fair bit, we had group companies in most countries, I'd go to a country and be met by usually a man from the group company, who would accompany me to visit the customer. I'll bet 75% of them would bang on about how wonderful their wife was, as though I was interested in them ffs.

The mention of wanking is alarming though.

ClareBlue · 02/10/2020 19:56

@doublehalo

Is he recording you and trying to get you to say something inappropriate? Maybe the client you mentioned made a complaint about you?

In any event, cover your arse.

I think in the context of what you have said this is very good advice. Though probably shouldn't need to be said
Thelnebriati · 02/10/2020 20:03

YANBU and I think you need to talk to ACAS, he may be recording his outbursts and he could be trying to make a case for sexual harassment against you.

Next time put up your hand and say firmly ''please stop, you are making me uncomfortable''.

Original poster
ZiggyStarburst · 02/10/2020 20:04

How do I cover my arse?

I would like it all to go away, obviously. Weird client can be managed. Boss’s reaction (and wife’s?) is a lot more of a risk. And I am quite isolated, it’s really just me and him in the team.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 02/10/2020 20:05

Would also assume that his wife has got suspicious about who he is talking to during work meetings, so he's saying this for her benefit every time he speaks to a woman.

This is irritating for you and makes it look rather as if you are not professional. Do you know him well enough to write an email saying that you'd rather he didn't bring up his private life so often?

Diverseopinions · 02/10/2020 20:07

Could you speak to the HR department about feeling threatened by the client's wholly inappropriate conversation matter?

I would go very formal. Lots of structure - " This is what I'd like to speak about today:". And, " So to recap, I shall be...". And: "Could we schedule an opportunity to talk about xyz".

I would keep responses to talk of the wife very perfunctory: "That sounds quite delightful. Thank you for sharing it with me. The view you mention has brightened the mood of the day".

You could ask your DH to come into the room to pass you something when you're talking online to your boss, and say " Thank you my love." But don't stoop to boss's level of being wholly unprofessional. Why should you have to act as though to defend yourself from the assumption that you're interested in these men ? It's awful, for you.

I feel dismayed that you are having to put up with these things, OP, in the course of doing your job during these difficult Covid times.

doublehalo · 02/10/2020 20:10

Stop him anytime he starts to speak of matters unrelated to work and say 'sorry, can we keep calls strictly about work please?' or somesuch. Possibly put it in an email also so you have a paper trail.

Stop dealing with the wanking client and put it in writing as to why.

thepeopleversuswork · 02/10/2020 20:11

I think CatMagic is right; lots of men think that they are under constant scrutiny of their work relationships with women and become utterly neurotic about it.

I had a boss at a previous employer who would refuse to drink after work one on one with women. It was really ridiculous.

I don’t know if it’s a post #metoo thing or what - I think the idea that you socialise platonically with someone of the opposite sex suggests people don’t get what boundaries and appropriate behaviour is - but I have come across this before.

Eckhart · 02/10/2020 20:12

I'm with @Dilligaf81, OP.

I don't think this is personal, it's just too random, and it doesn't make sense that that would be his response to the er... 'difficult' client. He has dealt with that issue, anyway. Very poorly, but from his side, he's done his job.

I reckon his wife is suspicious of him talking to any female. Why the hell is she listening in on his work meetings if she's not jealous? What a wierd thing to do!

It's not about you, OP. I think the best thing to do is ignore it.

Dhalia443 · 02/10/2020 20:12

I’d play the DH card, if he mentions his wife...talk about your DH.

Gush about how fab he is.

Trut · 02/10/2020 20:12

Like some previous posters, I think it is nothing to do with you. It is about his relationship and dynamics with his wife.

Maybe he is having an affair and covering it by banging on about his wife, maybe he is trying to get some action at night by easy flattery...whatever.
Nought to do with you. Just take it easy and mention your husband or ignore.

doublehalo · 02/10/2020 20:16

"That sounds quite delightful. Thank you for sharing it with me. The view you mention has brightened the mood of the day"

I love this - especially the bolded bit! Made me laugh Grin. A perfect response for all awkward occasions.

ravenmum · 02/10/2020 20:18

Bringing in husbands and responding to his comments about his private life just seems so unprofessional, though. I think I'd approach it from the position of a professional woman who thinks that he is the unprofessional one for bringing it up.

Boss: I couldn't finish the task yesterday as my darling wife complained I was doing too much overtime.
You: Excuse me, Jeremy/Mr Smith, can I just ask you something? I would really like to keep these meetings about work only. I know we are working from home, but I'd really rather you didn't bring up your family in our conversations. Can we agree to just talk about work?

Al1Langdownthecleghole · 02/10/2020 20:21

Clients convo was inappropriate, but how did you end up in a situation where he gave you a lift?

My hunch is that boss mentioning wife is a) a separate issue and b) to reassure eavesdropping wife.

FWIW I used to mention my DH & DC a lot in conversation with new people at conference dinners. (And ask after their families). Not because I’m arrogant enough to think every bloke fancies me, but because I couldn’t be bothered to deal with the ill feeling and complications that could result from the wrong end of the stick being selected.

Dancingwithdaftness · 02/10/2020 20:22

This is a man who is afraid you're going to accuse him of 'inappropriate conversation'.

Original poster
ZiggyStarburst · 02/10/2020 20:25

Lovely DH would do anything I ask re sticking up for me. I could get him to come into calls or whatever and I have considered it but - it’s the working day! And I am a professional.

Saying ‘DARLING HUSBAND’ excessively just seems weak and churlish. And also doesn’t seem like it will bring this to an end, but really might escalate bad feeling.

OP posts:
OfaFrenchmind2 · 02/10/2020 20:33

Maybe his wife is insecure and not happy you were talking to him and complained. Now he is trying to placate the poor bint by mentioning her as she sticks her hear to the door to listen in.
That reminds me of a thread just days ago...