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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fight with neighbour - WWYD

102 replies

FrenchtoEnglish · 02/10/2020 09:49

I live in rural France. I have a neighbour who I've got on well with for years. I go to his house once a week for an art class. We have the same sense of humour, have always got on very well. I look after his cat when he goes away. I let him borrow my car for two weeks when he crashed his.

Two weeks ago I had my house painted. I used the same painter as he'd used. I paid 650 (three-storey house). He paid a grand (two-storey house). I negotiated. This as just a bit of back story.

Anyway, the painters (originally from the travelling community, settled in France with French-registered business - this becomes relevant later on) painted my house bright yellow (I'd asked for ochre). It's so bright, you need sunglasses to fucking look at it. I started panicking and they said: "Don't worry, when we put the second coat on, the colour will darken). OK.

Next day, the boss turned up and said he wanted paying. What about the second coat? No, no, no it was a "monocouche". A single coat. I started arguing with him. He wouldn't budge, so I went to get my neighbour for help. I thought I was being taken advantage of as a woman living on her own. The neighbour ended up agreeing with the painters. I paid. The boss guy said: "Thank you, pretty blonde" and my neighbour thought this was hilarious. That's the back story. I just accept that I have to live in an eyesore until I can afford to have in painted again.

Right.

Last week, I was in supermarket and there was a MASSIVE fight between a man (from the travelling community) and the manager of the supermarket. This was at the checkout. The manager was screaming. SCREAMING. And the customer was just standing there. The manager then POKED him in the face. Hard.

I decided to step in. I said: "Excuse me, sir. But, you just physically assaulted a customer". He then went mental at me and said if I didn't like it I could "go home too". I understood that he meant "go back to UK". When I asked for clarification, he said "go back to your house" and I could go and see the police if I wanted. So, I did. And I made a complaint to the headquarters and I got a written apology (of sorts - it said I'd misinterpreted what he'd said - but even if he'd told me to "go back to your house", it's still not great!).

Anyway, I mentioned this on FB later that day, I was pretty shaken. Especially because I'd noticed one of the dads at the school where my daughter goes really laughing when the guy told me to go home. I'm bilingual but have an English accent. It was obvious what the manager meant, he just back-tracked pretty well.

God, this is long...

Anyway, my neighbour commented on the FB post that he found this surprising because I was someone who "didn't like "gypsies" and treated them badly". He later said, "You told me that you saw some English people at the bank shouting in English and you didn't like it. I wonder why you didn't call the gendarmes on them?"

So, he's taken offence. Or thinks I'm a xenophobe or racist or something. It wasn't an anti-French post. It was an "I'm so cross at the guy in the supermarket" post.

I'm not very good at intervening when I see things. I get a weird adrenaline rush and I usually cry. So, it took a lot of courage for me to do. I see a lot of English people around here not speaking French and I don't think I would dare say anything to them. But, this was someone being prodded in the face. It's different.

I took the post down and wrote to him privately asking what was up. No response although he'd seen the message. I waited and then said "Yo! Are we still friends?" and he replied, "I guess so".

I'm just upset and feeling vulnerable. He's my only sodding neighbour here. WWYD? I want to be strong and just get over it, but I feel like he's really misunderstood me!

OP posts:
FrenchtoEnglish · 02/10/2020 09:51

I suppose the lesson is not to put this kind of thing up on FB. I don't usually. It was virtue-signalling. And wanting support. I should stick to pictures of the sodding cats.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 02/10/2020 09:56

As the post above. And you should have checked the colour paint before they started.

FrenchtoEnglish · 02/10/2020 09:58

Yeah, I gave them a sample to colour-match. I was out when they did the first (only) coat.

OP posts:
ThePlantsitter · 02/10/2020 10:00

You can't control what he does, and you are not unreasonable for any if the stuff you did. Sit tight, don't apologise for anything you're not sorry for and it'll come out in the wash I reckon. If it's a good friendship it can take this kind of rumple.

Partidgeinpeartree · 02/10/2020 10:05

I´m also living abroad (for 20 years now) and still I feel that I´m not allowed to make the same comments as the locals. Examples: locals are criticising the local government, but if I make a similar comment they look at me (and sometimes jokingly comment) as to say ´what are you doing here then, if it is all so bad´. In my experience you have to be a bit careful what you say as your neighbours will almost always continue to see you as "the Brit".
I do think there are several issues in your relationship with your neighbour. Partly it may be the above, that he feels you shouldn´t intervene as it is not your country. Partly he apparently felt for the travellers. Maybe because they have been in the village so long, maybe because he had a good relationship with them when they painted his house. In your place i would have been quite annoyed with your neighbour for allowing you to be taken advantage of. Especially as you have done him some favours in the past. On the basis of that alone I would probably take a step back and let him make the first move (when he needs another favour).
And indeed, no more facebook posting.

CSIblonde · 02/10/2020 10:09

God, never leave workmen to it IME. What you think is crystal clear can get so misinterpreted it's unbelieveable! I think your neighbour might have underlying resentment of 'settlers' to be honest ,much as he's been nice before. It pays to maintain cordial relations with neighbours even if they're not your cup of tea ,so maybe the previous cordiality was just a surface thing. You know him best though. Just keep the pleasantries up if you see him around.

RhodaDendron · 02/10/2020 10:13

Jeez, nice first post. I don’t think you have been unreasonable, I really feel for you. That sounds like a horrible clash of politics across three different cultures. I think you did the right thing in each complicated situation. I don’t know what you can do about the house though.

Harryhenderson10 · 02/10/2020 10:15

It's there a reason you have to have a friendship with this neighbour?
I mean obviously the polite good morning when you see him but other than that it doesn't seem necessary.
I honestly think in most cases having a close friendship with a neighbour ends in tears.

Your neighbour isn't being friendly to you and pandering to him by asking 'are we still friends' is needy and playground like behaviour.

This might be a really good future lesson that when people say mean things just ignore them, don't let them even have head space and remove yourself from the person's company until they apologise or you don't feel bothered by the behaviour anymore. You don't need to remain friends with people if they make you feel bad.

BaronessBomburst · 02/10/2020 10:17

I think you should plant bright blue flowers and channel your inner Van Gogh.

FrenchtoEnglish · 02/10/2020 10:27

Yeah... I am a bit needy to be honest. I really get upset if I think I've done something wrong or if someone doesn't like me. I do need to woman up a bit. I think I feel a bit trapped here. I can't afford to move. I'm on my own with my 3YO DD. I get too emotional. I'll just leave it now. I'll say hello when I see him and that's that.

OP posts:
ItIsEnola · 02/10/2020 10:29

"Yo! Are we still friends?" and he replied, "I guess so"
Are you both very young? I can't imagine sending a message like that as an adult. You didn't have a fight with a neighbour. You were virtue signalling. He burst your bubble.

diddl · 02/10/2020 10:29

Sounds to me as if the neighbour has never liked you-but found you useful.

Why nothing in writing for the paint job?

FrenchtoEnglish · 02/10/2020 10:37

I'm 41, he's 51. That's how we talk. My apologies.

I think he did like me. I spent a couple of hours a week with him. Coffee and painting. I used to go to the gym with him before I had my daughter. He adopted a cat from me (I run an animal charity). He has given me four paintings for my birthdays. I bought him a bottle of whiskey when he found my missing cat. We lend each other box-sets and books. It's all been very "friendly".

OP posts:
RhodaDendron · 02/10/2020 10:38

OP don’t do yourself down. ‘I am a bit needy?’
You are not the jerk here!

TitsOutForHarambe · 02/10/2020 10:40

Sounds to me like the neighbour holds you to different standards because you are foreign.

I get this quite a lot where I live. They don't think of themselves as racist because they don't hate the colour of my skin, or the fact that I'm foreign, so how can they be racist? And yet... everything that I do and say is looked at differently because they think "that's a bit bloody cheeky for one of THEM to say/do".

Those people won't change. You don't have to be friends with him just because he's your neighbour. He sounds like a bit of a prick anyway. Just smile and wave when you see him, and pick up each other's post when the other goes on holiday. That's all you need from a neighbour.

FrenchtoEnglish · 02/10/2020 10:46

The painting contract just said: "cleaning, anti-moss/fungal spray, painting (colour match)" with the amount and a mention of a "grue" which is a crane thing on a truck to reach the top floor.

I should have stayed at home while they did it. It was a bloody shock. I'm getting used to it. I would be gorgeous by the seaside, but looks a bit crackers here.

Fight with neighbour - WWYD
OP posts:
cbt944 · 02/10/2020 10:47

Oh, that's sad. For what it's worth, I think you are already doing a lot of 'womaning up'. I have found that quite a lot of men/people don't like women who live 'on their own'. It offends their sense of the natural order of things. A woman who is living without a man and who can negotiate a better price for a house painting is a slight to them. I bet he stepped in and bitched at them about it, and encouraged them to stiff you, out of injured male pride and envy of your good deal! I also think speaking up in the shop was good and brave of you. Again, you should not be able to speak up, in the eyes of some, as a woman. I think you are doing very well, and hope you come to like your Van Gogh yellow house! He sounds like a secret sook, but it must be very disappointing to find your friend is not really your friend. I hope he can come to his senses and apologise to you some day, for being shitty and spiteful and irrational and unkind.

cbt944 · 02/10/2020 10:48

Oh! Just saw the pic! It's egg-yolk. David Hockney house, then!

Thecobwebsarewinning · 02/10/2020 10:49

@diddl. I would think there was nothing in writing because they were travellers doing a very cheap job for cash. Travellers aren’t known for meticulous paper work! If nothing else this should be a lesson that if a price seems to be too good to be true it probably is. To expect to pay €650 for a three storey house when her neighbour paid €1000 for a two storey but still get the same quality of finish was naive.

And I’d let it lie now OP. Your neighbour might still be annoyed at you, but from my limited experience of rural life neighbours are much more mutually reliant on each other than people are in towns so I am sure he doesn’t want it to escalate any more than you do. Carry on smiling and being polite and I am sure this will be forgotten soon.

oakleaffy · 02/10/2020 10:49

@FrenchtoEnglish

Yeah... I am a bit needy to be honest. I really get upset if I think I've done something wrong or if someone doesn't like me. I do need to woman up a bit. I think I feel a bit trapped here. I can't afford to move. I'm on my own with my 3YO DD. I get too emotional. I'll just leave it now. I'll say hello when I see him and that's that.
When my DH left, I contemplated buying a house with land in France...So cheap compared to UK. I can see the appeal. But as a single person with child/ren...Could be very lonely.

One will always be the outsider. a ''Blow in'' as the Irish call English people who settle there.

A friend has just sold up in UK and bought a French house with land..BUT his mum lives nearby and he has a new partner.

I am like you, @FrenchtoEnglish..I hate conflict, and get upset easily.

Loneliness is a real thing. Also.....Dealing with Trades/Travellers, they are often ''Manly men'' and know that women, and washy men can be intimidated and bullied into paying more.

They definitely treat 'Manly' men with more respect.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 02/10/2020 10:51

My neighbour painted his house a similar shade. It looked awful for a year but has faded to a very nice mellow gold. Admittedly our houses are on the Atlantic coast which probably speeded up the process but I’m sure yours will get there in the end.

FrenchtoEnglish · 02/10/2020 10:55

I think 650 was a lot, but maybe I'm behind the times. It was a lot for me.

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 02/10/2020 10:55

Just a thought OP...huge tubs of white masonry paint are mega cheap on eBay. Neutral colour will make it easier to sell if you can ever afford to move.Can you BnB a spare room to raise funds to move if you're feeling so lonely there? Maybe have child in with you while people stay, or you sleep in her room.

FrenchtoEnglish · 02/10/2020 10:56

@Thecobwebsarewinning Ha! I hope so! Storm "Alex" is giving it a good bashing today!

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 02/10/2020 10:57

I agree with smile and wave.

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