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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fight with neighbour - WWYD

102 replies

FrenchtoEnglish · 02/10/2020 09:49

I live in rural France. I have a neighbour who I've got on well with for years. I go to his house once a week for an art class. We have the same sense of humour, have always got on very well. I look after his cat when he goes away. I let him borrow my car for two weeks when he crashed his.

Two weeks ago I had my house painted. I used the same painter as he'd used. I paid 650 (three-storey house). He paid a grand (two-storey house). I negotiated. This as just a bit of back story.

Anyway, the painters (originally from the travelling community, settled in France with French-registered business - this becomes relevant later on) painted my house bright yellow (I'd asked for ochre). It's so bright, you need sunglasses to fucking look at it. I started panicking and they said: "Don't worry, when we put the second coat on, the colour will darken). OK.

Next day, the boss turned up and said he wanted paying. What about the second coat? No, no, no it was a "monocouche". A single coat. I started arguing with him. He wouldn't budge, so I went to get my neighbour for help. I thought I was being taken advantage of as a woman living on her own. The neighbour ended up agreeing with the painters. I paid. The boss guy said: "Thank you, pretty blonde" and my neighbour thought this was hilarious. That's the back story. I just accept that I have to live in an eyesore until I can afford to have in painted again.

Right.

Last week, I was in supermarket and there was a MASSIVE fight between a man (from the travelling community) and the manager of the supermarket. This was at the checkout. The manager was screaming. SCREAMING. And the customer was just standing there. The manager then POKED him in the face. Hard.

I decided to step in. I said: "Excuse me, sir. But, you just physically assaulted a customer". He then went mental at me and said if I didn't like it I could "go home too". I understood that he meant "go back to UK". When I asked for clarification, he said "go back to your house" and I could go and see the police if I wanted. So, I did. And I made a complaint to the headquarters and I got a written apology (of sorts - it said I'd misinterpreted what he'd said - but even if he'd told me to "go back to your house", it's still not great!).

Anyway, I mentioned this on FB later that day, I was pretty shaken. Especially because I'd noticed one of the dads at the school where my daughter goes really laughing when the guy told me to go home. I'm bilingual but have an English accent. It was obvious what the manager meant, he just back-tracked pretty well.

God, this is long...

Anyway, my neighbour commented on the FB post that he found this surprising because I was someone who "didn't like "gypsies" and treated them badly". He later said, "You told me that you saw some English people at the bank shouting in English and you didn't like it. I wonder why you didn't call the gendarmes on them?"

So, he's taken offence. Or thinks I'm a xenophobe or racist or something. It wasn't an anti-French post. It was an "I'm so cross at the guy in the supermarket" post.

I'm not very good at intervening when I see things. I get a weird adrenaline rush and I usually cry. So, it took a lot of courage for me to do. I see a lot of English people around here not speaking French and I don't think I would dare say anything to them. But, this was someone being prodded in the face. It's different.

I took the post down and wrote to him privately asking what was up. No response although he'd seen the message. I waited and then said "Yo! Are we still friends?" and he replied, "I guess so".

I'm just upset and feeling vulnerable. He's my only sodding neighbour here. WWYD? I want to be strong and just get over it, but I feel like he's really misunderstood me!

OP posts:
GoldfishParade · 02/10/2020 14:27

@SantaClaritaDiet

Look, you've admitted you don't actually speak French, so what are you doing? "Rentrez chez vous" absolutely is a way of telling someone to go back to their country.

beethecrackon24995 · 02/10/2020 14:29

He doesn't sound like a friend to me op. With neighbour options like that I'd rather be on my own

SantaClaritaDiet · 02/10/2020 14:31

GoldfishParade I speak French just as much (or as badly) as I speak English.

Rentrez chez vous means go home. Literally your home, or your home country.
It's also a polite way to tell someone interrupting something to fuck off and mind their own business.

There was a heated argument in the M&S near the station the other day. If you had caught up the end, you would have heard the manager pushing someone away and telling him to leave and never set foot in his shop again.

If you had been there from the beginning, you would have seen the man struggling with the self-serve till, starting abusing then screaming and insulting the (small) female cashier who came trying to help, the manager asking him nicely to go and things escalating.

As a female in the same shop, I was quite grateful for the no-nonsense attitude of the manager
🤷 The last thing anyone needed was someone like the OP barging in and defending the abusive customer.

FrenchtoEnglish · 02/10/2020 14:40

@SantaClaritaDiet There are a many number of ways he could have said it. If he'd said "Retournez dans votre pays d'origine" it would have been clearer. But, I know what he meant. I've had it said to me on three separate occasions (twice by drivers) and they're not telling me to get back to my big yellow house.
I was paying for my shopping and it was two checkouts away from me. I assume the man had tried to shoplift something. That's why he wasn't reacting. He looked a little guilty. But, I really can't say for sure. The manager was saying "Do you understand, you? You! Do you understand? YOU!" over and over again and he used the "tu" version, which is a mark of disrespect in itself. He used "vous" with me.
I only decided to say something when he was inches away from the man's face and gave him a sharp, hard prod. Even if the guy had been nicking a flatscreen TV, that's not how it should be dealt with. I suppose it wasn't my business. Someone kicking their dog isn't my business. Smacking a child isn't my business. A man hitting his wife. None of those things would be my personal business, but I'd still try to do something about it if I witnessed it. The guy would have lost his job in the UK, I reckon.

OP posts:
FrenchtoEnglish · 02/10/2020 14:45

@SantaClaritaDiet This customer wasn't being abusive. He was standing there, taking it, looking sheepish and his wife had her head down. He was in his sixties. The manager in his forties. If there'd been a full-on scrap between two men, I doubt I'd have got involved. In fact, when the face poke happened, it was the SECOND time the manager had had a go. The first time was shouting, then he went to stack the baskets very noisily and angrily, then he went back to say it all again and give the man a jab in the face. If you think that sort of thing is pleasant enough behaviour, then we'll just have to agree to disagree. You seem very invested in proving me wrong.

OP posts:
SantaClaritaDiet · 02/10/2020 14:45

The guy would have lost his job in the UK, I reckon.

and you wonder why you think people have an attitude against you as a foreigner... Wink

What you are spectacularly missing is that a UK manager would probably have told YOU the same in this country. Or worst. But then you wouldn't have been able to play the "poor foreigner" card. And I am speaking about a foreigner living in the UK before I am being accused of being a xenophob and a racist...

Elsewyre · 02/10/2020 14:49

@FrenchtoEnglish

Yeah, I gave them a sample to colour-match. I was out when they did the first (only) coat.
What stupidity is this?
FrenchtoEnglish · 02/10/2020 14:54

Oh, just jog on @SantaClaritaDiet. You've done nothing but try to turn this into some weird debate. What we're both spectacularly missing, so let's try to clear it up now, is that we're wasting our time communicating with one another. You've checked with your BIL to make sure my French is up to scratch (and decided it isn't), you've told me you're surprised I don't understand why people don't like me here... It's just all getting a bit weird. I posted on here for a little support, not to sit and have some sort of pseudo-intellectual wankbattle. I've got work to do. It's in French. Do you think your BIL might be able to check it for me?

OP posts:
resinoiernd · 02/10/2020 14:56

@santaclaritadiet I think the words used can mean "bugger off" or "go back to your country" depending on context. There is a huge amount of bad feeling towards travellers in rural France, so I think the OP is right in her assumption. There is some bad feeling towards English who are also immigrants, it depends. I also agree with you that immigrants in the UK face a lot of abuse which is swept under the carpet. The OP got involved because a 60 year old man was having their face poked by a 40 year old man - I would have stepped in and told the 40 year old he was going too far too.

FrenchtoEnglish · 02/10/2020 14:57

@Elsewyre I know. I'd be put in Set 6 for project management, wouldn't I? Bet you feel better for pointing it out. ;-) There I was going around thinking I knew what I was doing in life. But you and @SantaClaritaDiet have seen to it that I know my place!
To everyone else, thanks for the advice and your kindness! :-)

OP posts:
resinoiernd · 02/10/2020 15:00

OP your work sounds great. I am really mindful not to tread on toes here and to fit in to some extent, but - and this might cheer you up - after sitting and listening to French mothers rip other French mothers who are also their friends to pieces a couple of times while watching dc play sport means I am a little less worried about how I am seen! I think your efforts sound great. I help out with some PTA events but I am not a full on member, again because of the internal politics between the French mothers! And oh goodness the politics at the music school is terrible. The teachers are great as are the older community and the really genuine acts of kindness I have seen have been lovely though - so it is all good!

FrenchtoEnglish · 02/10/2020 15:04

@resinoiernd :-) The thing is, you have to be self-disciplined to translate from home and I've spent almost all day on Mumsnet! I'll be picking DD up soon. :-) Yeah, I think I'm lucky to be here really. I'm sure you feel the same. But everyone needs a bit of a moan now and again. :-)

OP posts:
SantaClaritaDiet · 02/10/2020 16:19

FrenchtoEnglish

I posted on here for a little support Confused
You posted on MN asking if you were BU. You might not like being told you actually ARE BU, so don't ask the question.

Vous exagérez complètement et vous êtes en tord dans votre histoire.
I don't even need my native French BIL to tell you that in basic French Wink

LacroixstOuen · 02/10/2020 16:54

What’s the word for “bun-fight” in French?

Suzi888 · 02/10/2020 17:06

You live alone (pretty much) in a foreign country. I think your very brave.
I don’t think your neighbour wanted to get involved in the argument with the people who painted your house. He probably also feels bad that he didn’t take your side.
£650 for the front of a house by a non professional is in my opinion a lot. Presumably they did not need scaffolding and it was one coat and took how long?! A couple of hours if that. You were taken advantage of by the sounds of it.

DBML · 02/10/2020 17:23

Holy shit balls...I just saw the photo.
Hopefully yellow will grow on you.

As for your neighbour, don’t worry about it. Just carry on as normal when you see him. He’ll be nice as pie by the time he next wants to borrow your car.

oakleaffy · 02/10/2020 17:40

@cbt944

Oh, that's sad. For what it's worth, I think you are already doing a lot of 'womaning up'. I have found that quite a lot of men/people don't like women who live 'on their own'. It offends their sense of the natural order of things. A woman who is living without a man and who can negotiate a better price for a house painting is a slight to them. I bet he stepped in and bitched at them about it, and encouraged them to stiff you, out of injured male pride and envy of your good deal! I also think speaking up in the shop was good and brave of you. Again, you should not be able to speak up, in the eyes of some, as a woman. I think you are doing very well, and hope you come to like your Van Gogh yellow house! He sounds like a secret sook, but it must be very disappointing to find your friend is not really your friend. I hope he can come to his senses and apologise to you some day, for being shitty and spiteful and irrational and unkind.
My DS is a skilled trade {would be far too outing to stay what} but he knows to treat women with respect, and never to take advantage.

He knows some men roll eyes at women, but he knows it is women who often have the ideas and it is them who need talking with , not the husbands.

FrenchtoEnglish · 02/10/2020 20:59

@SantaClaritaDiet Thanks for all your input. You've been a delight. I wish you were my neighbour. I could look up to you and admire you with your wise ways and great French. You've made me feel totally unreasonable. Not just about questioning physical assault in the supermarket... but about everything. My life, my job... my very essence. Fuck me... I'm just wrong all over.

OP posts:
Krampusasbabysitter · 02/10/2020 21:52

OP, I am not sure if you really grasp the actual tonal range of colours but the picture you took is ochre - not bright yellow! If you google 'ochre' you will get the kind of colour and brightness your house is painted. You should have confirmed and checked as they started painting if you found it too bright. You were in the wrong in that regard and I reckon tradespeople anywhere in the world would not be impressed if you kicked up a fuss after not understanding what ochre looks like and expected them to repaint it, especially after knocking down their price. I'd have been a lot less polite in their place. I am from the south of France originally and that is very a typical house colour, so you come across a bit neurotic. And you put your neighbour on the spot after kicking up a fuss, I would not be impressed and I can understand why he thinks you might be a meddling hypocrite.

Fight with neighbour - WWYD
Whererainfalls · 02/10/2020 21:53

@SantaClaritaDiet Holy shit! What's your problem? You're being very weird about this.

Op, I think you're probably giving the neighbour too much headspace. He was a bit snarky, you were a little unreasonable to drag him into the fight with the painters. You've probably both irritated each other a bit. Just cool things down for a while and I'm sure it'll all blow over.

I'm also in rural France, but the other side of the country. Supermarket manager sounds like a jumped-up little shit throwing his weight around. Ignore him completely if you have to go back in there again.

Btw, I think your house would look fabulous with a green door.

SantaClaritaDiet · 02/10/2020 21:57

FrenchtoEnglish

talk about over-reacting because a random person tells you that you are wrong Confused

No wonder your neighbour feels a bit... overwhelmed and is trying to distance himself?

Krampusasbabysitter · 02/10/2020 22:07

^ Yep. The manufactured outrage over @SantaClaritaDiet comments makes you come across as hard work. Especially, in rural areas in France, folk are quite tribal. In fact, down in my region, people loathe the Northern French far more than foreigners.

FrenchtoEnglish · 02/10/2020 22:07

@Krampusasbabysitter - Perhaps my phone camera hasn't captured it well. The colour I asked for (and gave them a sample of) is like the colour you posted, just ever so slightly lighter. You'd need sunglasses to look at my house. I should have been there, you're right. But, they did say they were coming over at nine and I waited until three to go out. They must have turned up at fourish. I shouldn't have got my neighbour involved. I felt I needed back up when I had two men shouting at me after having lied to me all day the day before. I think I was in my right to challenge them. Having a disagreement with tradesmen is one thing. And sticking up for someone from the travelling community who'd been poked in the face is another, so I don't know how it's hypocritical. The only link is the racial origin of the trademen and the man being attacked in the supermarket. If I was such a basher of people from the travelling community, I would hardly have stuck up for one of them in the supermarket, would I?

OP posts:
SantaClaritaDiet · 02/10/2020 22:12

If I was such a basher of people from the travelling community

if you must insist...
I am curious to know HOW you identify a member of the travelling community in France when he's standing in a supermarket and hasn't even opened his mouth.

Your tradesmen are one thing, a random in your shop, really?

FrenchtoEnglish · 02/10/2020 22:12

Yeah, I was trying to be funny. Nevermind. OK. I don't know how long these things go on for... I don't think I'll keep answering these posts. I think we've flogged this one to death now. It's been fun though!

OP posts: