You're Not Like Other Girls (or women)

[Lalaloveyou2020]

Why do men think this is a compliment? What's wrong with being like other females? If a man said this to me I would instantly think "red flag" but it's still being thrown out in Disney etc. How the f*ck are women supposed to progress when not being like other girls is condisered a compliment?

It is usually meant like 'so far I have never met a woman I can get along with so much/fall for and I feel that way for you, so you are not like them'.

Occasionally it might mean 'females are inferior vaccuous twats and you are less like that'. Obviously problematic.

Or it might just mean youre weird. That is usually what it means when people say it to me.

Just by the person saying it and the context.

@KateF

That's interesting, I'm an INTJ as well. I didn't know it was so uncommon. I was bullied by boys/men at school and university for not being girly enough and being good at maths and science. My exH agreed that I didn't do 'wife' properly either.

I have three daughters. Eldest very stereotypically girly, middle much like me, youngest in between. All four of us are just our own type of woman.

To be honest, I found that most of the bullying I've ever had for not being like other girls has come from girls themselves - if not outright bullying, disdain for my advice and perspective. Boys would kind of firmly put aside the idea of me being involved in their games/socialising, but they weren't dicks about it usually.

As I got older, people in general became less tribalistic and I mellowed too.

Our company training really helped me get to grips with the nuances of different skill sets. I'm afraid I do still struggle with nurturing, "kind" types of any gender (I tend to find them suffocating and desperate to impose their own version of comfort which is quite antithetical to my needs - which paradoxically makes them less supportive than they intend to be).

I still find that on Mumsnet I can find myself a bit of a lone or minority voice on a matter - and that certain types of women label that "handmaiden/cool girl/penis apologist". But I am a woman, they are literally my opinions and experiences, and I'm not going to be quiet about them. Women's issues are experienced by all women but that doesn't mean our reactions to them are the same, and not thinking like other women has in the past created a barrier between me and them that was created by women.

As for calling me a penis apologist - it does make me laugh. A boyband visited my school for a few days, getting involved with RE and social studies. They were fit. We all swooned over them. But through the week it became quite clear to me that their project masked a lot of sketchy religious sentiments. I was the only girl to stop fancying them and ducked out of the band performance on the Friday - whereon my friends were subjected to hectoring and lecturing of horrible perspectives that received a lot of complaints.

Maybe thinking like a man but being a woman gives me a better intuition into male behaviour? Makes it easier for me to spot the dickheads? I don't know, but it certainly tracks with my relationship history vs my friends.

It definitely appeals to people who want to be different/like to think they are.

@Mummyoflittledragon

I expect it is often used as a grooming tactic for the purpose of lowering boundaries, sexual, emotional and physical.

This exactly. Come on, don't be like the other girls and reject me when I try to cross your boundaries!

It is sexist to suggest the majority of us are lacking and if you are a woman who takes it as a compliment perhaps ask yourself why you have a such a low opinion of other women?

It's not a compliment. It's what a misogynist thinks is a compliment

absolutely.

id be interested to know what all the other girls are like?

@thecatsthecats @MulticolourMophead

I agree with taking those tests with a pinch of salt ; and also that our responses can vary day to day .

Somebody posted a link to one of these personality tests on MN once . It was amazing the number of posters who came back with the 'unusual' profile that only about 5% (or similar) of people are meant to have !!

I agree. I'm not like a lot of other women due to my hobbies... and there's nothing wrong with that because a lot of women aren't like me. I don't look down on other women for being different to me. I don't think I'm superior because I'm not into makeup, or other "feminine" things.

I take it as a massive red flag if a man says that to me, and a massive red flag if a woman said that to me as well. I don't like or associate with judgey people.

I'm afraid I do still struggle with nurturing, "kind" types of any gender.

i know loads of women (me!) who arent 'nurturers', (i doubt many would think it was something to apologise for either!)
why not challenge the crap stereotype rather than thinking youre an exception to the stereotype?.

I always found this to be a line spun by men to women they believe to have very low self esteem. The women would be so happy to hear it that they would allow behaviour that a woman with higher self esteem would have stamped on from day one.

@Helmetbymidnight

I'm afraid I do still struggle with nurturing, "kind" types of any gender.

i know loads of women (me!) who arent 'nurturers', (i doubt many would think it was something to apologise for either!)
why not challenge the crap stereotype rather than thinking youre an exception to the stereotype?.

I didn't say all women are nuturers, just that nurturing types can annoy me. There are two at work - a woman and a man. They both go out of their way to make other people comfortable based on the assumption that other people will only be comfortable if they get what they, the nuturers, find comforting. Not liking the things they like, politely refusing etc all just wash over them. They continue to persist in providing their designated form of comfort. Until I get rude, and they get offended

... but an intelligent nurturer understands what other people like and will offer them different things, or just leave them alone.

It's the first type I have a problem with.

(MIL once got herself in a huge tizzy making me leave her house in a coat. She gets cold. She likes me. So she can't contemplate the idea of letting me be cold if it's in her power to stop it. Since I don't want to be rude, I accept the good intentions and layer up in coats and hats and gloves and scarves - all of which she's bought for me. Then I take them off as soon as I'm out of sight.

My own mum? She provided me with a coat and scarf as a kid and let me make my own mind up. Usually not to start wearing them til December.)

@Southernc0mfortmirror

When I hear that phrase I think of this cartoon

I love this! illustrates it very well

just that nurturing types can annoy me. There are two at work - a woman and a man. They both go out of their way to make other people comfortable based on the assumption that other people will only be comfortable if they get what they, the nuturers, find comforting.

yes yes, i know what you mean, i find it controlling and try not to mix with people like that- must suck to have to work with them!

@thecatsthecats what you're describing is pushy people who don't respect boundaries, not nurturers

You're not like anyone else I know. - fair enough, but in what way. Possible conversation point.

You're not like other girls - negging wankers spouting cringe non compliments or just ridiculous people reading chat up books as a hobby.

It's sad enough when men say this, let alone women about themselves. There's a reddit sub about it: r/notlikeothergirls/

@IndieTara

I'm often told I'm not like other women. I take it as a compliment

What's wrong with 'other women'? We aren't a homogenous groups.

When women say it I think it shows internalised misogyny (no doubt brought on by society so I place blame generally).

When men say it it shows overt misogyny. Again probably society as a whole's fault.

Either way you look at it, it's a shit compliment.

I get this quite often. My personal favourite was at university when my part time job was with a large group of girls, most very nice, all very stereotypically "girly" in appearance (i.e, none of them would have looked out of place as cheerleaders in an American high school film). Most had boyfriends who were, again, very macho athlete types ) again, mostly very nice people). I was approached by one of the men we worked with with this line.

"I like you. You aren't like the other girls. They're all obsessed with hair and makeup, I swear it's the only thing they ever talk about. That and their boyfriends. They only like those tough, jock, neanderthal types, don't they? Not you. I think you'd like a mana bit smarter, more sensitive than them, wouldn't you? A man like me."

He sounded so fucking ridiculous that I wasn't sure whether to first remind him that most of the girls and their boyfriends were graduate students and considerably smarter than he was giving them credit for, or ask him if he wanted to meet my girlfriend. She found it all quite funny too.

Actually it depends on context but consider this, when someone says "you are not like other (minority group et al)" than yes, its an insult hidden in an apparent (non) compliment.

It was said to me by a man who was introduced to me by a wonderful female friend of mine. It still makes me angry when I think about it.

[quote IJustWantSomeBees]@thecatsthecats what you're describing is pushy people who don't respect boundaries, not nurturers[/quote]
Respectfully, no.

I'm describing people who are simultaneously:

• nurturing
• pushy
• a bit dim

Those three things combined piss me off. They like to nurture people (I'm especially not a fan of being nurtured), they don't take no for an answer (annoying in any circumstance) and dim (well, who actively likes stupid people?).

Combine the last two with, say, a tendency to argue about how to do things. Pedantry. Selfishness. An interest in film. Take your pick. Those things aren't great (say, someone endlessly starting chats with you about last night's TV even though you've politely tried to back out, change subject etc). But I can deal.

But pushy, dim nurturers make me feel wildly uncomfortable, unhappy and irritable. Which is the exact opposite of their intended effect.

They want everyone to be happy but they go about it in a way that specifically makes some unhappy, instead of learning what makes others tick.

Funnily enough this was something the nurturing guy at work really took away from the training. He's a sensitive, considerate soul, who LOVED the fact that he now knows a whole new different set of ways to make people happy. I gave him a lot of credit in his last performance review because I've really seen and appreciated the warmth he brings to our organisation and that he's no longer making people who aren't like him uncomfortable.

(nurturing is often prized as a characteristic but I treat it with great scepticism because I have seen the really awful havoc caused by nurturing done wrong - which is by far worse than being "nurture neutral")

Some people would lap it up because they just love to think they are “different” even though they’re really not.

I agree, it’s really misogynistic to say this and mean it as a compliment. What’s wrong with women and girls?

I don’t think that I, personally, have a very feminine personality- I’m not ladylike at all, for instance. But I think when misogynists say this they mean “you’re not a nag” which equals “you’ll put up with shitty behaviour” as others have said.

People don’t actually say it to me to be fair!

“You’re not like anyone else I’ve ever met” is such a cheesy line, you hear it in films but I can’t imagine anyone saying it in real life.

My DH says it to me, but he means it in an entirely complimentary way to me, and I CBA to go into why he thinks this, but I totally agree with him and he's right, in some respects I am not like most of the women I know. In some respects I am, but in others, no, I am very different. There is NO misogyny in this opinion, it's a FACT!

If almost all the women you both know are so homogenous, you should get out more.

A lot of movies also have the line "You're not like other guys"