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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

You're Not Like Other Girls (or women)

127 replies

Lalaloveyou2020 · 02/10/2020 00:15

Why do men think this is a compliment? What's wrong with being like other females? If a man said this to me I would instantly think "red flag" but it's still being thrown out in Disney etc. How the f*ck are women supposed to progress when not being like other girls is condisered a compliment?

OP posts:
scrappydappydoooooo · 02/10/2020 08:45

Exactly @BitOfFun. I'm ashamed to say that when I was younger I absolutely thought this was a compliment. I was the absolute epitome of a 'cool girl.' I was pretty and dressed to compliment my body but I didn't really like silly things like shopping or romantic movies. I liked proper things like football, diy and science fiction. I ate what I liked and never dieted or worried about silly things like calories. I was always being told that 'I wasn't like other girls' and I revelled in it. Because I clearly had my own misogynistic streak and genuinely thought it was better to be one of the lads rather than a silly girl. My version of feminism was proving that I, a woman, could be as good as the men. Not that all women and their/our interests are equally valid.

myapplegreenjumper · 02/10/2020 09:00

I used to take it as a compliment too! Then I had a very feminine dd and I realised I needed to rethink. I remember all that pink stinks crap - she loved pink, she still does and she’s managed to still be clever and brave, emotional and strong, loyal and independent, affectionate and emotionally intelligent. She’s amazing and she is very feminine and I support her choice to be who she is.

corythatwas · 02/10/2020 09:00

"You're not like other girls" - well, you could take it like some posters have done and say "why do you have to be offended by every single little phrase".

Or you could look over your life experience and do a swift calculation as to how many of the men you've heard using that phrase have turned out to be knobs. In my case, I'd say that's a pretty high percentage.

Not all exactly the same kind of knobs. Some of the slightly milder can't-be-bothered-to-engage-with-this-female-on-a-personal-level-so-I'll-just-use-a-template-from-a-movie variety.

Others of the slightly more worrying everything-female-is-inferior-so-the-greatest-compliment-I-can-pay-a-woman-is-to-tell-her-she-is-more-like-me,-a-Man. (Doesnt' necessarily mean they believe you are more like them, they just think it's the nicest thing anyone could say).

Others again of the far more sinister everything-going-wrong-in-life-has-been-the-fault-of-women.

I wouldn't say it's a positive, either way.

The thing to remember is, when we're courting, to use an old-fashioned word, we don't owe it to a man to evaluate him fairly as if we were an employer reading his CV. If we don't like something he says, or if we just don't fancy him or his turn of phrase, we don't owe him anything.

Years into a relationship, with shared memories and mutual obligations, quite possibly children, we do owe it to our partners to be fair to them, to be patient. to not take offence at an unfortunate phrase, to not slam out of the door the moment they get on our nerves.

But in the early stages, we don't owe a new potential love object any more than we owe all the other millions of men in the world! Unlike an employer, we don't have to fill this post unless we happen to want to. And the only reason for wanting to should be that we spontaneously and without effort like what we see. Fairness doesn't come into it.

SurreyHillsGirl · 02/10/2020 09:10

My DH says it to me, but he means it in an entirely complimentary way to me, and I CBA to go into why he thinks this, but I totally agree with him and he's right, in some respects I am not like most of the women I know. In some respects I am, but in others, no, I am very different. There is NO misogyny in this opinion, it's a FACT!

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/10/2020 09:17

Man tells woman she is womaning correctly when all other women are doing it wrong. What’s there not to love ? 💕

TooTrueToBeGood · 02/10/2020 09:17

To me at the very least it indicates that the individual stereotypes women and, as he is using it as a compliment, that clearly implies his stereotypical view of women is a negative one. Best case scenario is that he sees you as non-girly (practical, outdoorsy, can put up a shelf etc) but that is not a flattering or accurate view of women generally. Worst case scenario it's part of a strategy to manipulate you.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/10/2020 09:22

30+ years ago, now DH used that line on me. But he followed it up with "I can talk to you about anything. I've never felt comfortable enough to do that before"

Sometimes it's just the beginning of a longer thought! Maybe some of the men who have said it to some of the posters here haven't felt comfortable enough, especially if met with the inevitable WTF? face, to continue Smile

CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/10/2020 09:25

And yes, I am not much like mosy of the women we know in that I am almost entirely disinterested in 'feminine' stuff, am fiercely independent and lean more towards male company, friendships.

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 02/10/2020 09:26

@SurreyHillsGirl

My DH says it to me, but he means it in an entirely complimentary way to me, and I CBA to go into why he thinks this, but I totally agree with him and he's right, in some respects I am not like most of the women I know. In some respects I am, but in others, no, I am very different. There is NO misogyny in this opinion, it's a FACT!
Ok then Hmm
Spottybluepyjamas · 02/10/2020 09:34

I appreciate that there might be rare exceptions, but for the most part it's a misogynistic comment - telling the person that their gender is in general bad and that they should be flattered that they aren't the same.

Women have been undermined since the beginning of time, and saying that a woman is likeable because they don't act like one is the opposite of progression. It's basically saying that a particular woman is special because they don't act like a woman.

So yes, it's a compliment - but at the expense of your gender.

thecatsthecats · 02/10/2020 09:34

Interesting. I've had formal personality assessment through work (DISC and MBTI). My MBTI is INTJ:

personalitymax.com/personality-types/population-gender/

My MBTI type is one of the rarest overall and the rarest female type, typically. My thought processes and the things I value are quite literally not like other girls, and not especially like other people's generally. Not only that, my profile is almost the exact opposite to the most common female profiles. (I wonder how much socialisation plays a role there? Either way I plainly haven't been socialised to be typically female.)

(www.discprofiles.com/blog/2015/05/facts-disc-manual/#.X3blOBTTXxM - for DISC, the gender skews are smaller but I still sit on the male DC side of the spectrum)

Most interestingly of all in the context of this thread - the results explanation said that "INTJs are highly likely to prize their individuality and see their small level of representation as a compliment" Grin

(I was flicking through sample results with colleagues, and I commented that there weren't any sample results that looked like mine. My manager said, "that's because the sample results are based on normal people"...)

Enchantmentz · 02/10/2020 09:39

It's a lazy complement at best and in general it does signify putting on a pedestal or general low opinion of woman.

Mostly I think it is a pedestal that I don't want to be put on. If someone says that to you it would be a good idea to ask them what they mean. It will either put them on the spot and highlight their lack of depth or their general dislike of women, either way a response can be made to whatever they say.

I have the same sort of feeling when a guy says he is a nice guy and would never..[insert whatever]. I just mentally think hmmm sure.

Pelleas · 02/10/2020 09:40

The best response is "In what way?" said in a tone of genuine curiosity.

CoalTit · 02/10/2020 09:40

The most bizarre version of this that I've heard was when a bloke got very excited at seeing me hold a vinyl record it by its edge so as not to get grease or dust in the grooves. He said I was the first woman he'd met who knew how to hold a record. It stayed with me for years because it seemed such an odd thing to turn into a men-versus-women matter.
Now that I think of it, it might have been a performance directed at his then wife.

thepeopleversuswork · 02/10/2020 09:44

I agree that its horrible:

a) insults your intelligence
b) implies that the rest of womankind are weak, immoral, easily-led

TableFlowerss · 02/10/2020 09:46

In the same way they say ‘you’re beautiful’, when let’s be honest, most people aren’t the definition of beautiful.

(Beautiful being the category of the most attractive people in society, so the top 5%)

I take from that they are liars Grin

KateF · 02/10/2020 09:47

That's interesting, I'm an INTJ as well. I didn't know it was so uncommon. I was bullied by boys/men at school and university for not being girly enough and being good at maths and science. My exH agreed that I didn't do 'wife' properly either.

I have three daughters. Eldest very stereotypically girly, middle much like me, youngest in between. All four of us are just our own type of woman.

CSIblonde · 02/10/2020 09:53

Hmm. Depends on the man saying it: & context. I got that when younger because I didn't 'put out' within the time frame deemed acceptable . I still don't according to London men (I'm not a Londoner). Apparently 'most' women sleep with OLD strangers on 1st or 2nd date. Knowing how people lie in online dating, he could be a total nutter. So, nope, not happening that quick.

CoalTit · 02/10/2020 09:55

I have the same sort of feeling when a guy says he is a nice guy and would never..[insert whatever].
Oh, yes! I really regret not having the wit to reply "and I would never poo on your sofa" to the man gazed earnestly at me and told me he'd never, ever ask me to get a boob job.

AuntyPasta · 02/10/2020 10:01

Agree, it’s usually said by very sleazy men.

On MN it could mean you have a toilet brush.

MulticolourMophead · 02/10/2020 10:02

@thecatsthecats I'd take that with a pinch of salt. It's known that your responses can be different on different days and result in a different classification.

Mine is ISTJ, seen in a greater number of men, but some of the questions I had could result in a different answer on a different day.

I know one person who's had to do the test 3 times, 2 results the same, one result quite different.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/10/2020 10:03

@IndieTara

I'm often told I'm not like other women. I take it as a compliment
Why do you assume other women are something you'd not want to be like?
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 02/10/2020 10:05

Men who say that usually have a crazy ex Wink and they have NO IDEA why she crazy.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 02/10/2020 10:07

And obviously they’re nice blokes/ one of the good ones.

GrumpyHoonMain · 02/10/2020 10:10

@Lalaloveyou2020

Why do men think this is a compliment? What's wrong with being like other females? If a man said this to me I would instantly think "red flag" but it's still being thrown out in Disney etc. How the f*ck are women supposed to progress when not being like other girls is condisered a compliment?
Agree with you. I especially hate it when men use this to compliment women who are a bit tomboyish - invariably it’s only ever good looking women who get that compliment. A fat or plain woman who is also tomboyish usually gets ridiculed for being butch.